How do i tell my fiance...

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Replies

  • hookandy
    hookandy Posts: 278 Member
    Having been there, with a caring other half wanting me to lose weight I am not sure there is an answer. It took a Biggest Loser Challange at work to open my eyes. Even after a few years of delicate nagging from the better half.

    However be careful and nagging will have the direct opposite result! We blokes are stubborn like that.
  • zsaoosh
    zsaoosh Posts: 402 Member
    Sounds like you have been trying so maybe now its time for a doctor to help. Next time he has a check up, tell the doctor how worried you are and maybe he can talk some health since into him. Good luck!
  • AZnewme
    AZnewme Posts: 228 Member
    Tell him nicely, then drop the subject. He will lose weight when HE feels like it is a problem. Start moving the buttons IN on his pants. Wash some of his stuff in hot water and dry on high heat. Replace his underwear with some a size smaller. Pat his belly when you walk by. Move his car seat forward a notch. Mention during an intimate moment that he used to feel longer. Giggle when he walks by and when he asks.... "just admiring the way you jiggle as you go by".

    These little tricks were learned from my SIL....my brother lost 60 pounds once HE thought it was a problem. :devil:
    That's just evil. :-D

    And devilishly clever! ; ) - Ok, and probably a terrible idea.
  • wingednotes
    wingednotes Posts: 274 Member
    50 pounds in a year? Sickly pale? Loss of motivation? "The list goes on and on?"

    Time to see a doctor.
  • zsaoosh
    zsaoosh Posts: 402 Member
    Tell him nicely, then drop the subject. He will lose weight when HE feels like it is a problem. Start moving the buttons IN on his pants. Wash some of his stuff in hot water and dry on high heat. Replace his underwear with some a size smaller. Pat his belly when you walk by. Move his car seat forward a notch. Mention during an intimate moment that he used to feel longer. Giggle when he walks by and when he asks.... "just admiring the way you jiggle as you go by".

    These little tricks were learned from my SIL....my brother lost 60 pounds once HE thought it was a problem. :devil:
    That's reprehensible. Honestly whomever would try such tactics should be ashamed of themselves.

    I dont think mental and emotional abuse is the answer. That isn’t supporting a healthy lifestyle. If someone treated me like that, they wouldn’t be in my life!
  • FitBunnyEm
    FitBunnyEm Posts: 320
    Maybe compliment him? E.g. I love your strong arms/biceps/shoudlers etc. and maybe then he'll be like "likes my arms, aye?" and start trying to make them even better! I've seen it happen before.

    Or something like, I just love being with someone when I workout, but you're my favourite person to spend time with. Keep me company this once?

    Tell him you'll always love him no matter what, but you want to love him for as long as possible, so you'd love it if he'd like to get in shape with you! Try to make it something you can do together, instead of putting all this pressure on him :)
    YEP agree with this...good luck x
  • jilliebk
    jilliebk Posts: 252 Member
    I'm in the same boat as u. My husband is doing the same, and I try to talk to him but it falls on deaf ears
  • marathon64
    marathon64 Posts: 378 Member
    Take this very seriously. Do not believe he will ever change until you see that he DOES change. YOU do not have any control of this.

    If this is make or break for you in the relationship then tell him NOW. Keep in mind all the health consequences that he could have, and their implications for YOU if he maintains this lifestyle. I have had a lot of heartache in my life because of a loved one who did not take better care of themselves and had I know this is the path my life would have taken I would have made different choices. It sounds brutal but it doesn't make me a bad person. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness and think about how this might have an impact on it.
  • ZombieChaser
    ZombieChaser Posts: 1,555 Member
    Yeah, way to go everybody.

    Make the poor guy feel unattractive AND sexually inadequate.


    Look, he's a chef, he's around great food all day, and if he's a good chef, he's tasting it all day too.

    Men might not respond well to constant reminders, because WE see that as nagging, but we are competitive, and do respond to positive role models.

    Gordon Ramsay runs EVERY DAY, because he has to, because he's a chef. Your BF needs to see a man doing what he does, but better, and keeping in shape too.

    But to get the ball rolling, why don't you use your feminine charm and good looks and sees if you can't tempt him out on a hike once a week. Find something YOU can bear to do, that'll get him to see how much fun being healthy is. It'll be harder work for you, and you might feel it's just not worth it, but being fit can be good for 2, don't you think?

    I like this!

    Something I used to say to my now ex bf was: "You know honey, you drink, smoke and you've stopped exercising. I love you (I did at the time!), and i want you to be around with me for as long as possible, and be around and healthy for our future children." The next day he went out and put himself on the patch, and took out the mountain bike.
  • shelbyfrootcake
    shelbyfrootcake Posts: 965 Member
    Even when you tell him, and no matter how you tell him, don't expect him to heed it. My partner is obese (we wasn't when we got together) but refuses to pay any attention to his increasing waistband. I've tried nicely encouraging him to eat better by offering to cook for him, but he's not interested. He will mention exercising once in a blue moon but never actually does it. He won't even accept that he's obese, as far as he's concerned he's just a bit overweight.
  • delikium
    delikium Posts: 196 Member
    Just take some before and after pics, put them on the table, sit down, and talk about YOUR fears to him.
    Let him respond.... and connect in that place where you do as a couple, with love.
  • CharityAngel
    CharityAngel Posts: 111
    The only person that we can change is ourselves. We cannot convince someone else to be different than they are, they must want to change. Everyone has their own 'rock bottom' moment. Mine was when I was at a baby shower, and the pregnant lady whose stomach was out there, and after we measured it, it was the same as mine.

    Going to the doctor sounds like it should happen with all those symptoms. Something else could be causing the weight gain other than just food.

    I have found that love and caring motivates much more than negative approaches. When people said something to me, I got worse because I felt worse about myself. When they encouraged the good things I did, I did it more.
  • d0gma
    d0gma Posts: 3,966 Member
    Can you show him some before and after pics? I knew my clothes were fitting tighter etc, but it wasn't until I saw some pictures of myself that I REALLY noticed it.
  • SeeDRun
    SeeDRun Posts: 12
    I can't tell you how to do it, but I can tell you it is the right thing to do. Everyone in my life has always been very kind to me about my weight saying things like, " You aren't fat. You are just a big guy." or worse," I like a guy with a little meat on his bones" It let me tell myself that I did not have a problem when I did.

    Sadly, my wife and family still give me those platitudes. The good news is I saw that I wasn't capable of the physical things I once was and made a change.

    It may not be a pleasant conversation, but it is for the best. Catch him now when he has 50 pounds of extra bulk before he is like me and needing to lose nearly 200 to get back to normal.
  • skinnyrnow
    skinnyrnow Posts: 4
    I'm in kinda the same situation with my wife. She was never a small girl , she has a big frame and will never be tiny. But when we met she was nice and shapely. Over the last 10 years of marrige and 2 kids she has put on some weight and I'm concerned for her health and self esteem. I've tried to encourage her but I usually just offend her. So I think you do all you can but they have to come to it on thief own
  • aaronf289
    aaronf289 Posts: 50 Member
    Tell him you love him and want to grow old together... and that your worried about all of his health issues..... leave it open ended without saying anything about his weight and see how he responds. Chances are he will come to the same conclusion, only he'll think it was his idea. Then be there ready to help him take the next step......Best of Luck!
  • DonniesGirl69
    DonniesGirl69 Posts: 644 Member
    Tell him nicely, then drop the subject. He will lose weight when HE feels like it is a problem. Start moving the buttons IN on his pants. Wash some of his stuff in hot water and dry on high heat. Replace his underwear with some a size smaller. Pat his belly when you walk by. Move his car seat forward a notch. Mention during an intimate moment that he used to feel longer. Giggle when he walks by and when he asks.... "just admiring the way you jiggle as you go by".

    These little tricks were learned from my SIL....my brother lost 60 pounds once HE thought it was a problem. :devil:

    I :heart: this
  • DonniesGirl69
    DonniesGirl69 Posts: 644 Member
    Ok, just my two cents here, but.....the whole time that I was 250 pounds, inactive and unhealthy, my (now ex) husband did this whole "I think you look beautiful, I think you're sexy, I love you just the way you are".
    That did NOTHING to motivate me to lose weight or get healthier. In the end, I had to find the motivation for myself and decide it was what I wanted and when that happened, he freaked out.

    Maybe I'm a hardass or a *****, but I do NOT believe in sugar coating things. Life is too short and this man is not a child. If the truth is that he is unhealthy and that you're concerned that he could keel over at any moment because of it, then THAT is what he needs to be told. The truth isn't always pretty, but it's always the truth.

    In the end, whether you're nice about it or not, he won't change anything until HE wants to change it.
  • dlyeates
    dlyeates Posts: 875 Member
    I would do a visual representation. Maybe sit down one night (make it a romantic night.....romantic healthy dinner, walk with lots of hand holding) and then look through old pictures. From the beginning of the relationship, when he was thinner, and now. Let him see the difference. If he doesn't maybe comment about the size of his shirt in the pics (how it's gone up).

    Because, you're right, if he doesn't see it or want to change he won't. You can't make him because he will think that it's you and not him. And if he still sees himself as skinny then maybe seeing the difference in pics will help him see the difference in himself.

    But you may not be able to change him......make sure that the snacks in the house are healthy, try to get him to go for walks/hikes with you, do bowling on the weekend, make your free time more active, cook healthier meals (which he doesn't need to know are "healthy", etc. You make small changes and then maybe when he's out of the house he won't do as much damage.

    My husband is the same way. He has started running at the gym 2-3 days a week and I make him eat like me but I also take "normal" recipes and make them healthier (we have tostadas, meatloaf, steak, burgers, etc)--sure he has a regular burger sometimes and mine is turkey but we all eat healthy. But he eats out a lot at lunch (wrecking my budget)...because they have no microwave at work...but doesn't make healthy choices. He eats like a king when he travels and doesn't work out on the road. And then complains about his tummy. I've had him sign up on here but he doesn't use it and until he really wants to the lose the weight he won't. I'm just trying to make sure it's not worse by having him eat healthy while at home.
  • miracole
    miracole Posts: 492 Member
    Whether your fiance decides to lose weight or not is his choice, how he does it is his journey. Nothing you say will force him to start on it, all you can do is lead by example and encourage him once he makes that choice. In the interim you can discourage unhealthy choices (it's amazing how much of an effect can be had by saying "nope I don't want pizza" or "no, I'm not in the mood for ice cream" or "well if you want to go out to dinner why don't we walk instead of driving?"). All of that can be done without making him feel bad about his choices, if you don't partake in them he may decide he doesn't really need to either. It's WAY too easy to be each other's crutch in unhealthy behaviours.

    Pointing out his faults, nagging him or manipulating him will only injure his feeling of self worth and his feelings for you. If my spouse were constantly picking at me for how I look, even with a platitude about how worried they are about my health, I'd start to question why they're with me if I am so unattractive to them.
  • cavewoman15
    cavewoman15 Posts: 278 Member
    i recently decided to lose weight (again, ugh) because my partner lost 50 pounds. he looks smokin' hot and i'm still just regular hot (haha, j/k). so i wanted him to think i look as sexy as he looks. he didn't have to say or do anything to me, just his actions were enough to inspire me. i don't know what your workout patterns are, but maybe you could set him a good example?
  • michellesz
    michellesz Posts: 429 Member
    How do i tell my fiance that i am worried about his weight. When we met, he ate better, was thinner, etc. Now he drinks a lot, smokes a lot of cigarettes (this isn't really new though) and never exercises. He is on his feet all day as he is a Chef. I think hes gained more than 50lbs in a year or year and a half.I have told him before that he should lose some weight, but i feel incredibly bad when i say that. He literally thinks he still looks skinny. I cook him healthy dinners and tell him its not all about 'salads' etc. Basically hinting it every now and then that eating healthy can be amazingly good.. Yet he has no motivation. I have literally said that i am worried about his health and was emotional about it. He is sick all the time, crazy stomache pains almost every day! , very sickly pale, herniated disk in his spine, the list goes on.

    How do you tell someone who is very dear to you that you are worried and want them to have a healthier lifestyle...
    You just tell them. This is supposed to be your fiance for goodness sake. Someone you love dearly and are planning on spending the rest of your life with them until the end of time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you have difficulties talking with them now, what is going to happen later. You are supposed to be able to confide in them about everything and anything! Why is everyone trying to sugar coat things...How about I am truly concerned about your health and the weight you have put on and it how you look and it scares me. Can we please talk about this....I think you need to get checked at the doctor to see exactly what is going on, so we know how to get you feeling better and be your ole' self again. You know I love you from the bottom of my heart and am here to help you through this and to feel better. We can do this together. Hugs n' kisses...
  • orangesmartie
    orangesmartie Posts: 1,870 Member
    What did it for me was seeing photos of myself. I vaguely knew I was a lot overweight, but in my head i was still the size 12 curvy girl i was in my teens. the mirror lied to me often. But I went on a trip with some friends earlier this year and we took a lot of photos. These really were a wake up call for me, worked far better than the mirror. Might be worth a try?
  • MzBug
    MzBug Posts: 2,173 Member
    Tell him nicely, then drop the subject. He will lose weight when HE feels like it is a problem. Start moving the buttons IN on his pants. Wash some of his stuff in hot water and dry on high heat. Replace his underwear with some a size smaller. Pat his belly when you walk by. Move his car seat forward a notch. Mention during an intimate moment that he used to feel longer. Giggle when he walks by and when he asks.... "just admiring the way you jiggle as you go by".

    These little tricks were learned from my SIL....my brother lost 60 pounds once HE thought it was a problem. :devil:

    I didn't do this stuff....this is what was done to my brother. It probably saved his life. At the time he was the biggest egotistical @ss you would ever meet. He had gotten a promotion at work and had been doing the high power buisness lunches (including alcohol) for a couple years. He thought he was THE MAN period, no other could come close to his awesomeness in any way. My guess is that he was close to 300 pounds. He was having digestion problems, back pain, high blood pressure and was becoming an alcoholic. He also found that when he told the doc that his back hurt he would get magic pills that took the pain away....

    My SIL tried to talk to him....he wouldn't listen. The doc tried to talk to him, he couldn't hear over his own ego. My SIL threatened to leave and take the kids, he backed off on the alcohol. It was actually a health care professional who suggested the pokes to the ego. Took about 6 months, but the little pokes got him to realize that there might be a problem. After HE came to that conclusion "on his own", my SIL and the doctor were able to talk to him and get him to lose the weight and stop the bad behavior.

    I have always been a "big girl" and have had plenty of nasty things said and done to me because of weight, things MUCH worse than the above. I would never have thought to do these things to anyone. In this case the above tricks worked because of my brothers personality issues. I did have to applaud my SIL for doing it instead of just taking the kids and leaving.
  • keepitcroosh
    keepitcroosh Posts: 301 Member
    Wow! I didnt think i would get so many replies. Thanks so much everyone. I have tried alot, and i feel that maybe it is time for him to have a checkup with the doctor. I have mentioned that i am worried before, and he will usually reply with a 'i know' and then continue from there. He has a herniated disk that never got better (since he was 16!) so he is terrified to hit the gym with me. I think ill plan an afternoon for us to go to the gym and do some research of how he can avoid his back and strengthen his core. This has been difficult because i feel like i am being a horrible person. I too had gained 50lbs within a year of dating, and he never said a word. He said i look beautiful either way. So i feel like I'm not a nice person, but i just want him to live healthy, he always feels sick and hes always suffering now. Seeing the doctor would be the best possible option! Thanks so much everybody.
  • weighlossforbaby
    weighlossforbaby Posts: 847 Member
    Maybe compliment him? E.g. I love your strong arms/biceps/shoudlers etc. and maybe then he'll be like "likes my arms, aye?" and start trying to make them even better! I've seen it happen before.

    Or something like, I just love being with someone when I workout, but you're my favourite person to spend time with. Keep me company this once?

    Tell him you'll always love him no matter what, but you want to love him for as long as possible, so you'd love it if he'd like to get in shape with you! Try to make it something you can do together, instead of putting all this pressure on him :)

    Well said and nicely put :smile:

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