Spousal Apathy

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  • determinedbutlazy
    determinedbutlazy Posts: 1,941 Member
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    I think I would respond well to
    "I want to get fitter and healthier, and it would mean the world to me if you would help me do that."
    Your wife is your best friend and your lifelong support... let her know that and maybe she'll come around to the idea!
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
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    I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.



    Might I enter a thought? I was once living and married with a man who had similar qualities and (probably worse) in his reportoire of things he seemed to enjoy doing. For 20 years I supported him through this kind of struggle. Let me tell you that sitting back and watching the man you love, suffer and struggle with his demons and not be able to "fix" him so that you can both live long and happy lives together.....is not something that a women wears lightly...so to speak. She is dealing with that in some way, shape or form. In other words, perhaps once you change yourself into the better you that you strive to be...it might actually turn her head and wake her out of her "sleep" and she might be motivated to follow you and you will both live happily ever after? :)
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.

    I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.

    I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

    So Step 1) Lose weight
    Step 2) Rebuild my body (I debated doing both at the same time, but I am trying to stave off my history of getting discouraged and diving into a quart of ice cream.)
    Step 3) Professional counseling. I have almost 40 years of baggage. I am handling the things I can fix, then I will get help for the rest.
    Step 4) School. I have a well paying that I hate. Why do I hate my job? I'm bored. I sit in my office with nothing to challenge me, and no way to advance my career. I'm IT, but I started almost 20 years ago, before people wanted degrees. I never got one.

    Now you have the basic plan. Where the missus comes in is I see myself needing to grow and evolve and break out of the patterns I have made. What if I grow and evolve and realize that the man I become isn't in love the woman I married? It sounds angsty and a if set to music would make a lovely Country song, but I don't want to trade one miserable life for a completely new miserable life.

    TL;DR: EEEEEKKK!!!!

    I am married... I would hope eventually your changes for the better will rub off on your wife. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation - people get defensive when they feel like they are being attacked or overly criticized even if your intent isn't to come off that way, sometimes the others perception is you are doing just that... and if you have typically been that angry unhappy person like you say you have, I am sure your wife is automatically on the defense and rightfully so, yes?

    You are married. You have a child together. I am sure she would also love to live as long a life as possible to be there for your son. Sit down and tell her you recognize the type of person you have been and who you are striving to become and why. Instead of contemplating how miserable you'll be if she also doesn't lose weight and that maybe you'd be apart in the future, concentrate on how happy you'll be if she could embrace the changes you are making and focus on staying together and being healthy together. Make healthy meals you both can agree on together. Try to find active things to do together. Have you already discussed this with your wife and been honest? If she gets so defensive a rational conversation is impossible - try a letter - stress the positive... at maybe 300 pounds I am sure your wife's image of herself is also shattered so be gentle.

    So many say married love is supposed to be unconditional but in the real world: there are always conditions... always.
  • Cameronzmum
    Cameronzmum Posts: 10 Member
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    Here is the situation: My wife and I are both overweight. I think she qualifies as obese, but I'm not sure, I'm not very good at judging other people. She says she is under 300 lbs. I decided at the first of the year that I was tired of looking the way I do, so I have been mostly diligent at logging and watching what I eat. My wife tells me she is very supportive, but when I am making my meals, she will be cooking tortellini, noodles with gravy, eating ice cream while I am munching a veggie burger. Granted, I have lost almost 30 pounds, with another 30 to go.

    How can I approach her? When I discuss her weight she becomes very defensive. The other problem I have (and this is more serious) I find myself being less attracted to her. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly, I just keep seeing her continuing down the same path and wonder if we are still going to be walking together later.

    Well for one don't mention anything about HER weight. And when suggesting exercises and such. Ask her to go on a "romantic" walk with you. That way it still counts as some exercise she's getting plus it may or may not ease your mind a little bit. Maybe even find some healthy recipes, and possibly suggest she "try" a bite of something you made. But omg don't say "weight loss recipes". If you have to mention it say, "healthy recipes". And I myself am married too so I know what it feels like to have a semi-unsupportive spouse for weight loss and such.
  • MrUgly
    MrUgly Posts: 54 Member
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    ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

    My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

    Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.
  • WaxMama
    WaxMama Posts: 369 Member
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    First, let me say, congrats on your weight loss! You should be proud of all your hard work! As a woman, I can tell you there is NO easy way to approach this with your wife! But It has to be done, there's no avoiding it. However you decide to confront her, just remember to be sympathetic and understanding. After all, if anyone can understand how hard and frustrating it is to lose weight, I'm sure it's you... I would take more of an "I'm scared for your health, I want us to have many more years together" approach versus the "I'm not really all that attracted to you anymore" approach! I can totally understand where you are coming from, although I haven't actually been there before... I can see how it could affect your view of her. However you decide to move forward, I think you will be fine as long as you do it out of love and kindness. Good luck!
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
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    This is touchy. Maybe instead of approaching her about it, when you go for a walk or something, ask her if she would like to come with you? Approach it from the perspective of making this quality time instead of you trying to change her.
  • mslack01
    mslack01 Posts: 823 Member
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    Just saw this and thought it was a new post. Sorry. :( Congratulations on getting her to join you!
  • Dayna154
    Dayna154 Posts: 910 Member
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    I feel for you, I don’t think there is an answer. I'd be defensive in her shoes too.
    I think she needs to decide she wants health and fitness to go there.
    As far as not being attracted to her as much, there isn’t much you can do other than continue to love and support her as much as you always have.
    I could help if you tell her its harder for you to stay on track when she eats like she does and doesn’t exercise also.. To tell you the truth it could also really piss her off. So you are on a slippery slope.. I wish you two the best and good luck...
  • Kitten2629
    Kitten2629 Posts: 1,358 Member
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    I know it's hard watching her do what she's doing, but remember she may not be in the same mental place you are as far as weight. You were able to make your own decision and she should be able to make her own. She may not be ready to make that kind of life change yet. My advice to you would be to continue on your journey without worrying what she is doing. However, feel free to do exercises and invite her along. You could volunteer to make dinners for both of you so she can see what healthy and delicious foods are available. Invite her into your new lifestyle, but don't take away her choice. And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

    So there's my 2 cents

    I agree with this. I'm sorry, Thinking! My husband assures me he loves me, but at the same token hates fat.. He doesn't hide his comments even from me. Yesterday, I asked if he could see a change yet.. First words out of his mouth was You haven't been doing anything... I'm crushed, and having a hard time today.
  • rugbyphreak
    rugbyphreak Posts: 509 Member
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    I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, active all my life, but seriously trying to lose weight for the past year. Just last week, my boyfriend did one of those BMI tests online and was told that he was obese, not just slightly either... He's been swearing up and down for the past year that his entire stomach is just water weight. Well after his BMI test showed him as obese, I finally told him what I really thought, "You could sit in a sauna for a week and still be just as fat as you are now, just sweatier! Your weight is NOT from water, it's from all the pizza and soda you inhale every single day!" Well now that he's heard it straight from me, he's starting to drink more water, less soda, and take more walks with me.

    Sometimes it just takes a little harsh encouragement to get started.
  • 4myhealth77
    4myhealth77 Posts: 77 Member
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    And lastly, my husband told me at one time that he loved me but didn't find me attractive anymore due to my weight gain. It crushed me, but I did work to lose weight for him and am continuing to do so. However, this comes at a price. Although I am back to my original weight of when he met me, the pain is not gone and the self esteem has not returned. I have a constant fear that he doesn't find me attractive still. This is a problem. If you do decide to tell her how you feel and she stays with you and works to lose the weight, I recommend to lavish compliments on her as she loses the weight. You will forever after need to reassure her that you love her on a much more frequent basis then you do now. I would also like to point out that "for better or for worse" means not leaving because you're living through the "worse" part. She may not be attractive to every aspect of your appearance either, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leave.

    This! This is exactly what happened to me. My fiance, who is, and always has been into bodybuilding just finally told me he was not attracted me at this weight and couldnt get into being intimate with me. He said it in such a horrible and hurtful way that I finally decided it was time to do something about it. But, I will NEVER forget his words and how he talked to me. Please be kind to her and loving to her...no matter what. Its really hard to be in a relationship when there is an unhealthy partner. There is going to be resentment if you do it the wrong way.
  • 4myhealth77
    4myhealth77 Posts: 77 Member
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    Kitten, I know EXACTLY what you are saying. Mine says the same things...like, "You've been down this road before. Maybe when/if you lose at least 50lbs I will start to get excited." I dont understand why men say hurtful things like that. What is so hard about being supportive of all the changes I have made and that Im excercising five days a week, plus training with a trainer for 3 days a week. I dont get it.
  • jessrbt
    jessrbt Posts: 8
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    Your wife must decide for herself when and how she will lose the weight. You are being a wonderful example for her but she may have deeper issues that keep her where she is. Be supportive, tell her you love her, how beautiful she is to you, how much you love talking to her and spending time with her. Love is a choice no an emotion, you chose to love her forever, find someting you two can do togther that doesnt involve food, or talk of weight loss. Send her some flowers or just give her a back rub. As a woman I can tell you I feel much more secure when my husband goes out of his way to tell me these things or does something nice for me. Dont give up. I've been married to my best friend for 20yrs and he is the first person I want to tell good new to and the first person I run to with bad news. She will return the attention and affection if she sees that you are genuine. Her time will come for weight loss later. The fact that you are concerned says that you are not ready to give up on her or your marriage just yet. Remember true love is selfless.
  • jenbridges
    jenbridges Posts: 213 Member
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    ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

    My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

    Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.

    That is fantastic! So happy for the two of you! :flowerforyou:
    Now if only I could get my hubby to do the same! :wink:
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,292 Member
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    ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

    My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

    Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.

    That is fantastic! So happy for the two of you! :flowerforyou:
    Now if only I could get my hubby to do the same! :wink:

    my hubby joined, but hasn't logged a thing since the first day a few months ago...
    now he's taken up exercising and keeps telling me how much (water) weight he lost during his latest bicycle ride... overall his weight is on a downward trend though, so that's a good thing...

    not all tools work the same for everybody.

    i just get pissy when he tries to tell me 'we're eating too much protein' - when i'm trying to build muscle, and he's the one eating eggs and sausage for breakfast, thinking sausage and meat are 100% protein - that doesn't leave much for lunch or dinner...
  • myohana4
    myohana4 Posts: 205 Member
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    I'm just taking a stab here, because I don't know y'all. But here's my take on it.
    If you say you feel like you are less attracted to her, chances are she already knows that and feels unattractive. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be a woman who feels undesireable to your husband. We are constantly bombarded by messages from our society that we aren't enough...not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough housekeepers, not good enough wives...
    Women who feel loved *generally* love and take care of themselves. Does she feel loved by you? Does she feel overwhelmed/stressed? Does she feel happy? Ask her these questions. Ask her what you can do to help her. Listen to what she tells you.
    If she's having a hard time finding the motivation to take care of herself, be her knight and come to her rescue. Let her know that she's still beautiful to you and that she's valuable to you. Take care of her. Show her that she's worth taking care of.

    THIS! EXACTLY! My husband has always been fit. I gained weight after kids and never took it off. Even though my husband never once said anything negative about my weight, he never said anything positive about me either. I totally agree that your wife needs to feel that she deserves to be healthy and fit. I didn't start feeling this way until I met a group of amazing women who talked me into going to walks with them and made me feel like I had value.

    As for your health, you do need to put that first. (as does she) It will be more challenging for you to stick to your diet and exercise without the support at home. But you need to do what I did and find support in other places like this wonderful community on MFP!
  • beefolks
    beefolks Posts: 21 Member
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    I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.

    Two suggestions:

    1. You have already realized that weight gain can derive from issues in one's life. Perhaps your wife needs to overcome her own issues before traveling down a healthy path.
    2. Perhaps you are feeling less attracted to her because her size reminds you of yourself, and you are trying to change yourself.

    Maybe it would be helpful to bring her to therapy with you? Not as a way to help her, but to show her that you are trying to help yourself. Let her see more of the path you are traveling, the overall image, not just the weight management side. After all, weight management is just a small part of a larger journey you are taking.

    In my own instance - I had reached a point, for years, where I believed I could not do anything about my weight. I have four kids. My husband had a stroke. I run the family business. I did not have the time or energy to devote to such things. Then, late last year, I realized I had some health issues that need to be addressed. Happily, not related to my weight, but losing weight will help me recover from surgery faster. That was my big push, and I have lost almost 20 pounds since March. In my instance, simply logging calories and watching portions is enough! I wish I had known earlier that it could be so easy! But, looking back, I wasn't ready for the change. When your wife is ready, she will have your support, I am sure.
  • Sid422
    Sid422 Posts: 77 Member
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    bump
  • ruthechesney
    ruthechesney Posts: 34 Member
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    You really must give her time to come around. People cannot break addictions simply because someone says so. She must be ready to do it for herself.

    That being said, there is nothing wrong with being an glaring example. Continue on your healthy path of self-improvement. Gentle encouragement to eat healthy and offers to exercise together should be about the extent of your involvement in her decision. It sounds like you guys are making two different dinners. You should offer to cook for her, and then make it healthy! I know that my hubby's more veggie friendly palette always helps me eat better.

    Thanks for saying this! This is exactly what I was thinking. Encourage her. I am sure she would love it if you would cook..maybe you could become the main cook in the house, taking old favorites, and make them healthier.

    I went through this with my husband when I first jumped on the bandwagon almost 10 years ago. Needless to say, he joined me. I told him I loved him for who he was, but I didn't want to be a single mom when I was forty. He weighed 340 when we got married and is currently at 257. He is working on it, just as I am.

    Start finding reasons to compliment your wife, find active things to do together, and get them integrated into your whole lifestyle. I know on the weekends it is hard for me to sit on the couch. I always have to be doing something. This has rubbed off on my husband.

    Good luck!

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