Spousal Apathy

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  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
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    This is a very touchy subject for sure! I am in a similar situation myself. My fiance (we have been together for 6 years) and I live together. I prepare the meals and we both work full time. I made the decision this year to change the way I have been living my life. I watch portion control and choose healthier options for my meals. In the past, he was not doing the same. He eats what I prepare, but often wants to go back for more (so I stopped making more than 2 portions of anything). I have lost 36 pounds to date and he is really starting to notice. He is currently very close to 300lbs but I don't bring up his weight with him unless he asks me about it because it can be a very hurtful topic. The thing is... you can't suggest to her that she needs to lose weight. Only she can do that for herself. You can provide support and suggest that she help you by not eating the "tempting" food items around you. My thing is if it's unhealthy, it's not allowed in my house... period.... We do not have junk food or prepared foods besides the Kashi granola bars and cereal I have in my house. Does she do the grocery shopping, or do you? Maybe you could use the grocery shopping together as a time to really talk about what you want to eat to what you don't want to eat. I will tell you it takes many people more time than others to become motivated to lose weight. My fiance and I grocery shop together and most of the stuff we purchase and he is starting to look at lables before consuming foods. Sometimes it comes by slowly. Just make sure she knows that you love her and want to spend a LONG and healthy life together. If she doesn't feel that, then she will never make the change and start living a healthy life. Communication is key! Maybe she will come around soon and this can be something to do together. Best of luck, to you! :)
  • jadesign19
    jadesign19 Posts: 512 Member
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    I'm right there with you. My husband is very thin. I'm very self conscious about bing bigger then him. I remember a friend asking me what it's like to have my husband so much thinner than me.:explode:

    Anyway, he is very unsupportive of my lifestyle changes. He brings home chips, cookies, ice cream, donuts from the store (even if I already did the grocery shopping for the week). He always wants to go out to eat on weekends. He wants to stop for ice cream with the kids after events. If I tell him I lost a pound he will bring out the desserts. He has never been complimentary and I knew this when I married him.

    All negatives aside this is how I learned to handle it and help my marriage.

    You can't change them accept them.

    My new lifestyle is not his new lifestyle just because it works for me. I shouldn't expect the whole family to eat what I eat when I eat it.

    I Work my exercise routines around him and the kids. I get it done even if I wake up at 5 a.m.

    I make dinner for the family. Frequently I make pasta, rice, and many dishes not on my menu. I haven't cheated yet. My new
    Lifestyle allows me to be around the food and not desire it. My benefits outweigh the risks due to eatting their food.

    I have snacks in the house that I can eat. When they munch on theirs, I can munch on mine.

    I don't share any weightloss goals, ideas or accomplishments with anyone outside MFP. I'm too sensitive and I may knock someone out if they tell me again "you know what you need to do" while they are pAthetically out of shape stuffing their pie hole.:huh:

    I focus on our time together not being about food, exercise or appearance. I always get him to talk about things he's interested in and next thing you know we are enjoying our time together.


    Most of all I don't expect anything from my spouse. He(she) has their own issues of stress to handle. I just remember that I love him and support him. This thread reminded me that I'm doing this for me, my health, my life.
    Hope this helps.:flowerforyou:
  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
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    ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

    My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

    Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.

    That's great! You don't have to exercise together to be successful together... just the simple fact that she is trying can make a world of difference for both of you. Congratulations and keep up the good work :)
  • verptwerp
    verptwerp Posts: 3,659 Member
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    Oh fabulous, a happy ending ...... bumping for later ..... with a cup of tea :drinker:
  • ElyseL1
    ElyseL1 Posts: 504 Member
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    My husband I just got married exactly a month a go. But almost immediately after the wedding we were sitting there and I just flat out told him. "Look Babe, we're both on the overweight side. I really want to change that for myself and I'd like you to do it with me. I know you hate working out so I wont make you. I'll work out during the day and maybe we can go walk puppups (our dog) together at night. Besides when we have kids we need to be able to keep up with them." Totally worked. Now he watches everything that he eats. If he's not sure how many calories is in something he asks. And he has one bad day a week. He's more serious than I am abt it!! Well minus the working out.
  • curvymomo3
    curvymomo3 Posts: 253 Member
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    love her through and keep persistant. I have learned in ten years of marriage never to nag my husband... I still to this day offer him " would you like some zuccini? eggplant? whatever Im cooking at the time" Same with the gym.... now he has been seeing my results and we made an agreement * He commits three days a week to the gym, I commit to playing airsoft with him over the weekend" he is finally joining the dark side! muahhahahaahahhahaaha
  • Kara_xxx
    Kara_xxx Posts: 635 Member
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    As a woman, I want to be loved regardless of my weight. I don't want to have to worry about the fidelity of my partner because they decided it was time for them.

    Isn't there a bit of a limit to that though? It's a bit lame to say "yeah but you're still the same person underneath" and all that.

    If I became 300lb, as the OPs other half, there would be LOADS of things that my OH and I do together that simply wouldn't be possible anymore. Our lives would be completely different. I think it's perfectly legitimate that, if I didn't want to change that, my partner could say "I'm sorry but I can't live like this".
  • fee2dancesing
    fee2dancesing Posts: 86
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    For better or worse. Those were the words you said. So you're wife isn't ready, its okay. Love her and support her and let her know how important she is to you. If you talk to her mention that you want her to be healthy for your kids (or future kids) and to have more time with her. Don't just say she's overweight, because that will hut and I dont' think you want to hurt her. You love someone for who they are as a person and what they bring to your life. Apperances change but the person shouldn't.

    How would you feel if this was all reversed and you were the overweight one?
  • MrUgly
    MrUgly Posts: 54 Member
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    For better or worse. Those were the words you said.
    <snip>
    How would you feel if this was all reversed and you were the overweight one?

    Um, I felt bad. That's why I am losing the weight. As it happens, continue reading the thread, including the update. That said, if my saying 'You're weight is making you less attractive.' hurts, well, it's a deserved pain. I don't lie, I don't fib, I don't prevaricate. If asked a direct question, I will give a direct answer, or simply decline to provide an answer. She had asked a direct question. I answered directly. I wasn't happy about hurting her feelings, but I have feelings also, and they are just as important.
  • littlepinkhearts
    littlepinkhearts Posts: 1,055 Member
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    so happy for your update....very inspiring...may you's truly live happyily ever after :smile:
  • myohana4
    myohana4 Posts: 205 Member
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    ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!

    My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.

    Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.

    So happy for you!! :) Thank you for posting the original post. Obviously this is a subject that effects many.
  • milk_shakes
    milk_shakes Posts: 46
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    The most important part of a relationship is having each other's back. Don't give up on one another and fight through the process together. Strength and confidence is sexy and once she starts taking care of business those qualities will show regardless of how much weight she loses
  • angrodriguez92
    angrodriguez92 Posts: 193 Member
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    I'm very young and not married, but I'm going to comment anyway. I think it is good that you try to talk to her about her weight. She might not like it, but it isn't just you wanting her to be more attractive or wanting her to be like you. She is at higher risk for lifestyle diseases. It is normal and good to be concerned for her and to express it. Marriage is sickness and health, but it is also a commitment to honesty. I find that I like my partner more when we share a healthy lifestyle. Try to give her time within reason but you have a right to express your wants and your needs too. If you want somebody that aspires to live a healthy life and wants to be active, you should have that, we only have one life. Just make sure you communicate with her what you want, and why you want it.

    Just saw the update, woops. I'm so glad things are looking up! Congrats, I hope you continue to be happy and have great success.
  • Pisc2749
    Pisc2749 Posts: 61 Member
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    For better or worse. Those were the words you said.
    <snip>
    How would you feel if this was all reversed and you were the overweight one?

    Um, I felt bad. That's why I am losing the weight. As it happens, continue reading the thread, including the update. That said, if my saying 'You're weight is making you less attractive.' hurts, well, it's a deserved pain. I don't lie, I don't fib, I don't prevaricate. If asked a direct question, I will give a direct answer, or simply decline to provide an answer. She had asked a direct question. I answered directly. I wasn't happy about hurting her feelings, but I have feelings also, and they are just as important.


    I totally agree with you!!! I can understand where you are coming from. And to the other poster, that's not what "for better or worse" means anyway. It's not a license to gain 100 lbs and stop caring about your health and appearance, that's BS. You can't expect your partner to feel the same way about you if you were 140 lbs when you met and now you're 240 lbs. Love and attraction are two different things.

    It's not just about the weight gain and appearance, for me, it's more about the message my partner's weight gain is giving me. "I don't care enough about myself, you, or us - it's not important for me to be healthy or look good for myself or you, so this is what you deserve, this is what you get, but you have to love me anyway and your feelings can never change".

    Problem is, neither my partner nor I were overweight when we met, I didn't fall in love with an overweight person, but now I'm supposed to pretend like it doesn't bother me? It's completely unrealistic. I love him more than anyone or anything, but if he were to keep gaining weight (and obesity runs in his family), I told him I wouldn't leave him, but we would be roommates and nothing more. I won't enable him to keep killing himself slowly by pretending it's okay just to spare his feelings, like you said before, what about mine?

    Just had to vent...
  • thrld
    thrld Posts: 610 Member
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    Good for both of you!
  • prism6
    prism6 Posts: 484 Member
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    Don't give up on her,it's just not her time yet.My husband left me with the words you are fat repulsive and an embarassment to be seen with..... I had to do it in my own time,I am stubborn. She is considered Obese, I still am too. Maybe you can change things up, if she uses chores as an excuse,help her get them done, If you sit down to watch a movie, prepare the snacks before she can. Keep up with your healthy ways, you married this woman because you loved her she is still in there, she just needs to want to do it. Are there stressers that keep her reaching for bad choices. I am sure she doesn't want to be overweight..good luck,and again, dont give up on her:smile:
  • FuneralDiner
    FuneralDiner Posts: 438 Member
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    I wish people would be more honest with their partners and I don't think it's "wrong" to be less attracted to them once they've gained enough weight. Overweight is unhealthy and unhealthy is unattractive. It's what humans have been programmed to think. I'm sorry if that offends anyone. :/

    I think you should go ahead and speak to your partner about your concerns, if only for her health. If she gets all defensive then back off as it's ultimately her decision. Just please stick with your diet and don't let her eating habits deter you! Good luck!
  • direwolfprincess
    direwolfprincess Posts: 261 Member
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    I am so very happy to read through the post to find a happy transition. I am glad, and wish you both the best!
  • secondchance82
    secondchance82 Posts: 66
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    It is what it is...it's not wrong, it's just the truth.

    I had this problem...we didn't divorce because he was unhealthy and I lost over 100lbs. (I left because of his infidelity), but I will tell you being married to someone who is much more health concious now, it makes it easier to live a healthy lifestyle together. My current husband and I met here on MFP, and we met on looks alone and made it clear that even when we aren't in the sexy phase of our lives, being fit and healthy is something we both don't want either one of us to let go since we were both married to unhealthy people prior to getting together.

    You're not being unfair at all.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
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    mine was the same way. you can say whatever, but ultimately it is up to them and they have to change when they are ready to. when he was ready, he lost some weight and got on here, helped us a lot. makes it a lot easier definitely but just do what you have to and leave her be.make your own dinner if you need to. when you get even sexier and you start getting looks cast your way, she will hop on board really quick! nothing like losing weight to make your spouse finally pay attention!

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