Spousal Apathy
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ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!
My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.
Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.
So happy for you!!
Thank you for posting the original post. Obviously this is a subject that effects many. 0 -
The most important part of a relationship is having each other's back. Don't give up on one another and fight through the process together. Strength and confidence is sexy and once she starts taking care of business those qualities will show regardless of how much weight she loses0
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I'm very young and not married, but I'm going to comment anyway. I think it is good that you try to talk to her about her weight. She might not like it, but it isn't just you wanting her to be more attractive or wanting her to be like you. She is at higher risk for lifestyle diseases. It is normal and good to be concerned for her and to express it. Marriage is sickness and health, but it is also a commitment to honesty. I find that I like my partner more when we share a healthy lifestyle. Try to give her time within reason but you have a right to express your wants and your needs too. If you want somebody that aspires to live a healthy life and wants to be active, you should have that, we only have one life. Just make sure you communicate with her what you want, and why you want it.
Just saw the update, woops. I'm so glad things are looking up! Congrats, I hope you continue to be happy and have great success.0 -
For better or worse. Those were the words you said.
<snip>
How would you feel if this was all reversed and you were the overweight one?
Um, I felt bad. That's why I am losing the weight. As it happens, continue reading the thread, including the update. That said, if my saying 'You're weight is making you less attractive.' hurts, well, it's a deserved pain. I don't lie, I don't fib, I don't prevaricate. If asked a direct question, I will give a direct answer, or simply decline to provide an answer. She had asked a direct question. I answered directly. I wasn't happy about hurting her feelings, but I have feelings also, and they are just as important.
I totally agree with you!!! I can understand where you are coming from. And to the other poster, that's not what "for better or worse" means anyway. It's not a license to gain 100 lbs and stop caring about your health and appearance, that's BS. You can't expect your partner to feel the same way about you if you were 140 lbs when you met and now you're 240 lbs. Love and attraction are two different things.
It's not just about the weight gain and appearance, for me, it's more about the message my partner's weight gain is giving me. "I don't care enough about myself, you, or us - it's not important for me to be healthy or look good for myself or you, so this is what you deserve, this is what you get, but you have to love me anyway and your feelings can never change".
Problem is, neither my partner nor I were overweight when we met, I didn't fall in love with an overweight person, but now I'm supposed to pretend like it doesn't bother me? It's completely unrealistic. I love him more than anyone or anything, but if he were to keep gaining weight (and obesity runs in his family), I told him I wouldn't leave him, but we would be roommates and nothing more. I won't enable him to keep killing himself slowly by pretending it's okay just to spare his feelings, like you said before, what about mine?
Just had to vent...0 -
Good for both of you!0
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Don't give up on her,it's just not her time yet.My husband left me with the words you are fat repulsive and an embarassment to be seen with..... I had to do it in my own time,I am stubborn. She is considered Obese, I still am too. Maybe you can change things up, if she uses chores as an excuse,help her get them done, If you sit down to watch a movie, prepare the snacks before she can. Keep up with your healthy ways, you married this woman because you loved her she is still in there, she just needs to want to do it. Are there stressers that keep her reaching for bad choices. I am sure she doesn't want to be overweight..good luck,and again, dont give up on her 0
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I wish people would be more honest with their partners and I don't think it's "wrong" to be less attracted to them once they've gained enough weight. Overweight is unhealthy and unhealthy is unattractive. It's what humans have been programmed to think. I'm sorry if that offends anyone.
I think you should go ahead and speak to your partner about your concerns, if only for her health. If she gets all defensive then back off as it's ultimately her decision. Just please stick with your diet and don't let her eating habits deter you! Good luck!0 -
I am so very happy to read through the post to find a happy transition. I am glad, and wish you both the best!0
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It is what it is...it's not wrong, it's just the truth.
I had this problem...we didn't divorce because he was unhealthy and I lost over 100lbs. (I left because of his infidelity), but I will tell you being married to someone who is much more health concious now, it makes it easier to live a healthy lifestyle together. My current husband and I met here on MFP, and we met on looks alone and made it clear that even when we aren't in the sexy phase of our lives, being fit and healthy is something we both don't want either one of us to let go since we were both married to unhealthy people prior to getting together.
You're not being unfair at all.0 -
mine was the same way. you can say whatever, but ultimately it is up to them and they have to change when they are ready to. when he was ready, he lost some weight and got on here, helped us a lot. makes it a lot easier definitely but just do what you have to and leave her be.make your own dinner if you need to. when you get even sexier and you start getting looks cast your way, she will hop on board really quick! nothing like losing weight to make your spouse finally pay attention!0
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As for whether or not you're attracted to her... choose to be. She's your wife and she should be your standard of beauty i.e. no one else looks like her and, thus, no one else is as beautiful. Love her. Reassure her that you love her. Please her for her sake and to be giving. Don't hold back. Keep working on your own fitness and just love her. There's no way she wants to remain overweight. Just give her lots of love and encouragement to be herself and she will come around. People change within a marriage. If you were to suddenly have an accident and become disabled, would she suddenly be unattracted to you and decide to no longer uphold the vows she took with you? I would hope not. You're changing; give her time to catch up but recognize that you married her and your love for her and service to her as her husband should come without condition.0
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As for whether or not you're attracted to her... choose to be. She's your wife and she should be your standard of beauty i.e. no one else looks like her and, thus, no one else is as beautiful. Love her. Reassure her that you love her. Please her for her sake and to be giving. Don't hold back. Keep working on your own fitness and just love her. There's no way she wants to remain overweight. Just give her lots of love and encouragement to be herself and she will come around. People change within a marriage. If you were to suddenly have an accident and become disabled, would she suddenly be unattracted to you and decide to no longer uphold the vows she took with you? I would hope not. You're changing; give her time to catch up but recognize that you married her and your love for her and service to her as her husband should come without condition.
Lovely advice.0 -
"So…you managed to find a guy who looked past physical appearances and fell in love with you as a person. You’re pretty damn lucky, I won’t lie.
But how many of you get offended if your husband or boyfriend points out you need to lose some weight? COUNTLESS women will yell at him and cry and tell him he’s hurt their feelings. Despite the fact he gave you a chance and showed you that looks are not the only important thing, as soon as he asks for a little something in return to make you more physically appealing to him, you throw it in his face and whine to your girlfriends about how he’s “so mean”.
Your husband may still love you, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he is very happy. That being said, if your husband or boyfriend completely let himself go and gained 100 lbs, you might still love him, but you also might not be as attracted to him as you used to be."
~from this genius blog post:
http://fortheloveofcookies.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/a-curious-weight-loss-debate/0 -
As for whether or not you're attracted to her... choose to be. She's your wife and she should be your standard of beauty i.e. no one else looks like her and, thus, no one else is as beautiful.
Wow... just wow............
Is it windy up on that high horse...?? Going round telling people what they should be feeling??
You can't "choose" to be attracted to someone. It's not something you can turn on and off like a tap.
In any case his situation is all sorted and he stood by her and she is now making changes ( which you would know if you had read all the posts), but to say generically that it's wrong to be turned off when your other half puts on the weight of a whole other person is a bit much.
Maybe she was his "standard of beauty" when they met.... so when she gets to 300lb he must then magically adjust his "standard of beauty"?
What a load of $%^&^.0 -
I think you should be honest and tell her how you really feel. Tell her your concerns, about her health, about your health, about her appearance! You don't have to be brutal about it, that's not what I mean. But yeah, I think you need to be blunt and definitely tell her the truth. Marriage doesn't work if we lie to each other, especially when it's just to spare the other's feelings.
My husband told me in so many words when I got up to 190lbs that he was worried about me, for my health. I straight up asked him if he was less attracted to me, and he said if I gained any more weight, he would be. He also said he didn't find me as attractive at that weight as he did when I was thinner - to be fair though, he met me when I was 15 and I was anorexic. He was very kind about his words and handled the situation with grace. But the point is, it still hurt me terribly inside. Mostly because I'd let him down, I'd let myself go, and I knew how hard it was going to be to recover from what I'd done to myself for the last 5 years.
That reality, that truth, is one of the biggest reasons I committed to losing the weight and getting into shape. My husband means the world to me, and it's not just about looking good for him. It's also about being fit, healthy, and active with him and our beautiful son.
You need to comfort your wife, but you also need to give her the truth. If you want your marriage to work, it's as plain as that. It might hurt her, but if you truly love her and she truly loves you, this will work out. Offer to help her, tell her she can help you too just by making a few better choices with food. It doesn't have to be complicated.
Best of luck to you and your wife!
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As for whether or not you're attracted to her... choose to be. She's your wife and she should be your standard of beauty i.e. no one else looks like her and, thus, no one else is as beautiful.
Wow... just wow............
Is it windy up on that high horse...?? Going round telling people what they should be feeling??
You can't "choose" to be attracted to someone. It's not something you can turn on and off like a tap.
In any case his situation is all sorted and he stood by her and she is now making changes ( which you would know if you had read all the posts), but to say generically that it's wrong to be turned off when your other half puts on the weight of a whole other person is a bit much.
Maybe she was his "standard of beauty" when they met.... so when she gets to 300lb he must then magically adjust his "standard of beauty"?
What a load of $%^&^.
I'm torn. On the one hand I agree with what you're saying - you can't choose to be attracted to someone
On the other hand, if you truly love someone I believe that you will find them attractive regardless of anything else.
It makes no sense that I am more attractive to my wife now than I was 20 years ago when she was in her 20s. She is gorgeous but there is no logical reason as to why I find her more attractive than any of the women in FHM's top 100 sexiest women??? She can't understand why I do, and I can't explain it0 -
ARISE! Arise thread from the past, that you may live again!
My wife is now on MFP, and has lost weight. We aren't exercising together, but she made the decision for herself and I am blind with joy.
Ok, maybe just really stoked. In any case, my attitude has improved, and we are doing better.
I just read through to this. I'm so happy for you - and I have to give you so much commendation for knowing what your own personal issues are and DEALING with them. That takes a ton of maturity and self-realization, introspection and acceptance on your part. Good for you! And good for your wife for joining you in your crusade for a better, healthier, fuller life! It is so refreshing to me to see a story like yours. Men like you are rare, and I hope everything works out for you and your family. :flowerforyou:0 -
I'm one of the lucky ones who has the full support of my spouse in pretty much everything I do. In return, I support his goals, too. Luckily, we have similar goals and beliefs about our health and our future. We are in this together all the way!
People are going to hate me for this, but I feel for you! It must suck to want to move forward to a healthier future and have dead weight dragging you down. There's nothing more important than feeling like your marriage is a solid team effort. I can see that you want to grow your relationship together but she's comfortable staying where she's at. If I felt that way about my spouse it would definately be a turn off.
Hopefully, with a positive attitude and some good results on your end, she will get on board at some point. Sometimes I have to be a cheerleader to keep my guy on track with his fitness goals, but he generally comes around if I show him a little patience, respect, and good humor. He appreciates the effort I make to cheer him on when he's down on motivation and I appreciate the effort he makes to accommodate my needs. Don't give up and keep it positive!
ETA: I see that this is an old thread, but the advice still stands. I see people talking about this subject all the time on here and I think it's a tragedy...0 -
Yeah Rob but your wife isn't 300lb either (I'm assuming she is the lovely lady in your photos). I know what you're saying and it's all true... but I don't imagine one can quite forsee how one would feel until you're in that position. If I weighed more than 2 people I couldn't possibly hold it against my other half if he wouldn't feel quite the same. Likewise if my OH became a 300 pounder he just wouldn't be the same person anymore. He's a distance runner, we cycle, we go hiking... it's what we do and his energy is one of the many things I love him for. I don't want to be with someone who just sits on the sofa and eats.0
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Yeah Rob but your wife isn't 300lb either (I'm assuming she is the lovely lady in your photos). I know what you're saying and it's all true... but I don't imagine one can quite forsee how one would feel until you're in that position. If I weighed more than 2 people I couldn't possibly hold it against my other half if he wouldn't feel quite the same. Likewise if my OH became a 300 pounder he just wouldn't be the same person anymore. He's a distance runner, we cycle, we go hiking... it's what we do and his energy is one of the many things I love him for. I don't want to be with someone who just sits on the sofa and eats.
I'm not on any high horse. I perhaps just take a different view of marriage than you do. I see marriage as a life long commitment without conditions. People change over time and life happens. I'm no stranger to adversity within my marriage but choosing to put your spouse first in your life is quite possible under any circumstances. Not easy, but possible. When you don't see marriage as an all or nothing proposition, you can more easily choose to walk away once your spouse is no longer to your liking. I don't believe that's an option. I believe you have to choose every day to be a husband or wife to your spouse and love them exactly as they are... for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health... etc. I also have experienced how loving your spouse whether they've "earned" it or not can bring two people closer together than they've ever been.
I'm very pleased to hear the OP's wife has begun to get healthy. That's fantastic news and fitness will, no doubt, be something they can enjoy together.0 -
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Just to let everyone know that I *am* reading these. I don't want to be a poster that begins a topic and vanishes.
I love my wife. She is the mother of our son, and my best friend. She (and he) are the reasons I want to lose weight. Follow along, this is kind of convoluted.
I am a crappy husband and father. I'm angry most of the time, quick tempered and kind of a jerk to be around. I did some serious thinking and came to the realization that it's because I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them. Without going into a lot of tedious detail, part of it stems from my self image. I look in the mirror and despise the bloated, pasty mess that stares back.
I think the part where you say, "...I don't like myself, so I am taking it out on them" really resonates. I am struggling with a lot of issues now, and realize that a better career, house, car, or even body, won't help me with this one either, not liking myself at times.
So, maybe it's about learning to like yourself and taking proper care of yourself first, then moving on to relationships, etc.
Thanks for sharing your story here.0 -
I'm just taking a stab here, because I don't know y'all. But here's my take on it.
If you say you feel like you are less attracted to her, chances are she already knows that and feels unattractive. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be a woman who feels undesireable to your husband. We are constantly bombarded by messages from our society that we aren't enough...not pretty enough, not thin enough, not good enough mothers, not good enough housekeepers, not good enough wives...
Women who feel loved *generally* love and take care of themselves. Does she feel loved by you? Does she feel overwhelmed/stressed? Does she feel happy? Ask her these questions. Ask her what you can do to help her. Listen to what she tells you.
If she's having a hard time finding the motivation to take care of herself, be her knight and come to her rescue. Let her know that she's still beautiful to you and that she's valuable to you. Take care of her. Show her that she's worth taking care of.
This0 -
Yeah Rob but your wife isn't 300lb either (I'm assuming she is the lovely lady in your photos). I know what you're saying and it's all true... but I don't imagine one can quite forsee how one would feel until you're in that position. If I weighed more than 2 people I couldn't possibly hold it against my other half if he wouldn't feel quite the same. Likewise if my OH became a 300 pounder he just wouldn't be the same person anymore. He's a distance runner, we cycle, we go hiking... it's what we do and his energy is one of the many things I love him for. I don't want to be with someone who just sits on the sofa and eats.
I'm not on any high horse. I perhaps just take a different view of marriage than you do. I see marriage as a life long commitment without conditions. People change over time and life happens. I'm no stranger to adversity within my marriage but choosing to put your spouse first in your life is quite possible under any circumstances. Not easy, but possible. When you don't see marriage as an all or nothing proposition, you can more easily choose to walk away once your spouse is no longer to your liking. I don't believe that's an option. I believe you have to choose every day to be a husband or wife to your spouse and love them exactly as they are... for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health... etc. I also have experienced how loving your spouse whether they've "earned" it or not can bring two people closer together than they've ever been.
I'm very pleased to hear the OP's wife has begun to get healthy. That's fantastic news and fitness will, no doubt, be something they can enjoy together.
I by no means regard marriage as 'disposable' but I certainly don't see it as simplistic and black and white as you do.
No conditions you say? None at all? Under any circumstances?
So it's okay for someone to beat seven bells out of someone? It's okay to constantly undermine someone, because you said I do? You've made your bed you've got to lie in it eh?
I think there are a few people on this forum who'll say thank God for divorce!0 -
I by no means regard marriage as 'disposable' but I certainly don't see it as simplistic and black and white as you do.
No conditions you say? None at all? Under any circumstances?
So it's okay for someone to beat seven bells out of someone? It's okay to constantly undermine someone, because you said I do? You've made your bed you've got to lie in it eh?
I think there are a few people on this forum who'll say thank God for divorce!
No. It's not like that. But I don't think any of those things are immediately and unquestionably a reason for divorce. I also don't think adultery is necessarily a deal-breaker. But certainly I do think there are some extenuating circumstances where divorce is inevitable and acceptable. I just think too many marriages end because people think there is some ideal marriage out there that's always rainbows and unicorns. I believe all marriages will see circumstances in which only sheer determination to stay the course (regardless of how uncomfortable it is to do so) will be what holds it together. Hopefully those moments are short, few and far-between.0 -
Don't I know the feeling. Eatting that way then when I'm doing something I will get my side pinched. Its like feel like saying "thanks for reminding me about my weight'. Or they say they want to do that with you for bugging then when push comes to shove you end up doing it yourself anyhow.0
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