Am I being unreasonable??
Dawn_is_getting_healthy
Posts: 245
in Chit-Chat
I need a reality check, and due to the players involved, I cannot post on facebook, so I'm reaching out to the MFP community. Here's my story:
My husband's best friend from college comes to visit once a year (it's a five hour drive), and my husband goes to visit him once a year. They spend their entire visit being complete dorks, staying up all night playing video games. Whatever floats their boats, I guess.
So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.
That's the first part of the story. The second part is that my dad and stepmom are coming to visit for the first time in three years. We have never been close (my parents divorced when I was four), but we are really trying to form some sort of bond for the two of us, and for my son. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and very likely, this will be his last trip to our home. They are scheduled to arrive Saturday morning.
So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.
Well, TONIGHT....three days before they arrive, my husband tells me that his friend isn't leaving until Sunday! What?!! Dad and stepmom are coming on Saturday morning! The friend has been here since SUNDAY!!! Why can't he leave on Friday (or at the latest, Saturday morning)???
My husband thinks I am being unreasonable, because his friend's trip was planned first. But I NEVER get a straight answer when I ask when he is coming or when he is leaving....it's always "eh, he'll be here Saturday or Sunday, and he'll leave whenever". EVERY trip this is what I get. I thought I made it CLEAR to my husband that since my dad and stepmom are arriving on Saturday, his friend should leave on Friday or Saturday.
I have probably had my dad visit my home a whole three times since I've been an adult. It is very stressful for me, and I need the support of my husband. I tried to explain that to him, and he doesn't get it. He says "I'll be here". But he WON'T be with me and my parents....he'll be with his friend.
So, after the big fight we just had up in our bedroom, he said he'll tell his friend that I said he has to leave on Friday. So now I look like a total *****. I really want him to leave on Friday, but I also really want my husband to UNDERSTAND that I need his moral support this weekend.
I can't even face his friend, because I'm so embarrassed. But seriously, WHO would plan on staying as a houseguest for so dang long anyway, especially when you KNOW someone else is coming!!! It's not like we live in a mansion where they can each have their own wing. My son is sleeping on the couch this week so the friend can have his room. And this weekend, my son will sleep on the couch so his grandparents can have his room. And the friend will sleep on the couch too? WTH??
OK...ranting is done. Thanks.
My husband's best friend from college comes to visit once a year (it's a five hour drive), and my husband goes to visit him once a year. They spend their entire visit being complete dorks, staying up all night playing video games. Whatever floats their boats, I guess.
So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.
That's the first part of the story. The second part is that my dad and stepmom are coming to visit for the first time in three years. We have never been close (my parents divorced when I was four), but we are really trying to form some sort of bond for the two of us, and for my son. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and very likely, this will be his last trip to our home. They are scheduled to arrive Saturday morning.
So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.
Well, TONIGHT....three days before they arrive, my husband tells me that his friend isn't leaving until Sunday! What?!! Dad and stepmom are coming on Saturday morning! The friend has been here since SUNDAY!!! Why can't he leave on Friday (or at the latest, Saturday morning)???
My husband thinks I am being unreasonable, because his friend's trip was planned first. But I NEVER get a straight answer when I ask when he is coming or when he is leaving....it's always "eh, he'll be here Saturday or Sunday, and he'll leave whenever". EVERY trip this is what I get. I thought I made it CLEAR to my husband that since my dad and stepmom are arriving on Saturday, his friend should leave on Friday or Saturday.
I have probably had my dad visit my home a whole three times since I've been an adult. It is very stressful for me, and I need the support of my husband. I tried to explain that to him, and he doesn't get it. He says "I'll be here". But he WON'T be with me and my parents....he'll be with his friend.
So, after the big fight we just had up in our bedroom, he said he'll tell his friend that I said he has to leave on Friday. So now I look like a total *****. I really want him to leave on Friday, but I also really want my husband to UNDERSTAND that I need his moral support this weekend.
I can't even face his friend, because I'm so embarrassed. But seriously, WHO would plan on staying as a houseguest for so dang long anyway, especially when you KNOW someone else is coming!!! It's not like we live in a mansion where they can each have their own wing. My son is sleeping on the couch this week so the friend can have his room. And this weekend, my son will sleep on the couch so his grandparents can have his room. And the friend will sleep on the couch too? WTH??
OK...ranting is done. Thanks.
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Replies
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No, you're not being unreasonable; your husband and his friend are being inconsiderate.0
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. You simply do not have room in the house.0
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He is being an idiot, but who cares.
Tell his friend he has to leave. Who cares if the friend blames you. His stank *kitten* better check himself cuz he's in your house.
If he wants to hangout longer, he can get a hotel.
Your husband is being weak for dropping it on you. That's not working as a team. He needs to stand up for you both as a couple.
If he's really sad, he can go 50/50 with the guy for his hotel room. Motel 6 that crap for $30. Or is $15 too much to avoid a fight?
Family always comes first, regardless of plans. Especially in your circumstances.
It's not like you are ending it a week early, it's one fricken day. Tell them to skip video games and just make out for a couple hours so they get their fix before they separate. Stand your ground, but approach it calmly and logically. Since you married him, I assume you like how his brain works, that being said he'll probably realize you're right and admit the err in his ways and agree.0 -
I don't think your being unreasonable at all, not many wives would like their husbands to spend a week every year like that with his friend, I know I would hate it. Your husband is being unreasonable in that he isn't being very understanding especially since your father is ill. Too many he sounds very childish and you should not feel bad or embarrassed.0
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Boy, I would be ranting right there with you! And if my husband told his friend that I was the one who said he had to go home (instead of stepping up and telling him himself, that you have family coming in, etc.), my husband would be in deep poop. You shouldn't be embarrassed at all in front of his friend...he and your husband should be, and should be apologizing to YOU.
Best of luck to you, with all of it!0 -
No advice since you are just ranting. However, I have an inflatable mattress for just such occasions. We don't have a extra guest room and it really comes in handy. A twin size would probably work well for the "friend" or your son instead of the couch. Just a thought.
Hope the "friend" is an understanding person.....he has no reason NOT to be.0 -
I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable, and I think it was a douche move for your husband to tell his friend, "my wife says you have to leave." It is very reminiscent of "my Mom said no."
Leave it like it is, and if your husband tries to pout or whatever men do (lol), just try to calmly express your feelings. That's all you can do...life goes on, you guys will get past it, his friend will get past it.0 -
I don't think your request is unreasonable, but you actually won that one... so tread lightly. You're asking for a lot... you got your husband to ask his friend to leave. That's what you wanted. I know you ALSO want him to be all sweet to you and tell you that of course your dad is worth it and his friend should be only too happy to go for that reason... but he has agreed to ask him to go. That's the important part. Afterwards, he will more than likely see how important it was that he do that. I am just urging you to be grateful for the small victories right now. You're stressed out.
It's all going to be okay. But yes, let your husband follow through and ask his friend to leave on Friday. You'll get an evening to gather yourself and talk to your husband about it all before your dad gets there.0 -
I think they are being unreasonable, especially given your father is ill. I am not sure if that has been explained to the friend or not, but I think all that needs to be said to the friend is "I'm sorry (husband's name and I) didn't communicate with each other clearly, my sick father will be visiting with us x-x, this may be the last time he visits with us and we want to make him as comfortable as possible."
The friend should then offer to move to a hotel for a night or two. You husband needs a reality check about what his priorities are.0 -
OMG. Insensitive husband IMHO. Friend has ready overstayed his welcome ... you know what they say about fish and visitors: 3 days max and start to go bad! Unbelievable your DH doesn't get how much this visit means and how inappropriate it is the friend has invited himself to stay longer: what an immature dolt.
Definitely don't beat yourself up. DH needs a sensitivity and reality check about what's important in life.
Kudos to your son for giving up his bedroom to that dolt. Maybe if he had to sleep on the couch he'd realize he's the "guest" here.0 -
I think honesty is the best policy here.
Just approach your husband's friend directly and lay it all out for him.
Tell him you were under the impression that he was leaving on Sat. so you planned for your father to come visit on Sunday. Explain that your father has cancer, and this may be his last visit w/ his daughter and grandchildren.
I'm sure if you let him know what an emotional time this is going to be for the family he will not want to intrude. Any decent person would be understanding in this situation.
Good luck hun... we just lost our grandmother to cancer last week,... even when you know it's coming, its still a hard loss. Thoughts and prayers are w/ you!0 -
Tell them to skip video games and just make out for a couple hours so they get their fix before they separate.
Oh, Stripper.....that made my night! I needed a laugh and that did it!!0 -
Honey, you're not unreasonable! Please don't feel embarrassed, go and talk to your husband's friend, explain him the situation and tell him exactly what you told us, that this is probably the last time your dad comes to your home... your husband is just too weak to take the responsibility of explaining things to HIS friend and tries to put all the blame on you. I don't think the friend will make a drama of it and if he does then this is your and your son's home too!!! (i wouldn't put my kids to the couch anyway for that "friend") So sorry that you don't get the support you need and deserve!!0
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It sounds like the friend brings out the immature side of your husband. Which is usually fine, guys need friends to dork around with, but that could be part of the reason why your husband is acting like you're being unreasonable. The friend will be there for most of the week anyway, so it should not be that big of a deal.
I think if you further explain the circumstances and lay out all the hopes and fears you have with trying to establish a stronger relationship with your dad and his cancer and everything, he'll understand. And be sure to tell him that you NEED him to be there for you in this time. As a man, he should want to be a source of strength for you in a tough time.0 -
I don't think your request is unreasonable, but you actually won that one... so tread lightly. You're asking for a lot... you got your husband to ask his friend to leave. That's what you wanted. I know you ALSO want him to be all sweet to you and tell you that of course your dad is worth it and his friend should be only too happy to go for that reason... but he has agreed to ask him to go. That's the important part. Afterwards, he will more than likely see how important it was that he do that. I am just urging you to be grateful for the small victories right now. You're stressed out.
It's all going to be okay. But yes, let your husband follow through and ask his friend to leave on Friday. You'll get an evening to gather yourself and talk to your husband about it all before your dad gets there.
Mrsbigmack, Thank you so much for your input.....I can see where sometimes I not only want what I want, but I also WANT my hubby to want it to, which may not be possible. Good perspective.0 -
Stand your ground & take control of YOUR house. It's very appearant that he is still immature so treat him as such til he grows up or falls in line.
On a side note this post makes me sound like I was raised by a single mother, nope, or a male bashing homosexual.. Nope:)0 -
Is there any reason other than space availibility that the two visits can't overlap for a couple days?0
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I think you are pretty cool and a good wife. Like some other chick said, not many wifes would let their man out to play for a week. Most wont even let them spend a few hours out without them. Most people are very controlling when it comes to that stuff. Its refreshing to see women like you.
Its important to both of you so there has to be a way to compromise to make everyone happy. Just talk to everyone and collect ideas and go from there. DOnt fight cuase it will ruin the holiday.0 -
Nothing wrong with hanging with the boys and being a goofball. Keeps the kid inside a man alive which is good for the soul
But if he's been around for a bit and you had arrangements for the dad to be over then I don't see why he shouldn't leave unless your husband thinks theres enough space for everybody to be around. If there is space and you want your hubby to be with you to make sure he's focusing on the parents rather than goofing around then I don't think 1 day will make all the difference (unless I read wrong and there are more than 1 days conflicting)
Either way, Good luck0 -
Do the two of you in general have the same amount of friends?
Meaning does he have a dozen guy friends and you have like 3 girlfriends.
I guess it doesn't really matter for this situation, as the friend should take a hint, read the writing on the wall, and volunteer to give you guys some space to spend time with your family.
If he's always out with the guys then he's being a total jerk. If this is the once-a-year thing I could see where it means a bit more to him. And he might feel a bit of an imbalance if he thinks he can't even have one friend if he perceives you as being a social butterfly. Doesn't make it right, its just a different way to look at it.0 -
I think it's ridiculous that your husband's friend is staying in your son's room. Since you don't have a guest room I think it's rude for anyone to stay in your son's room. I would never make one of my kids give up their room for a house guest. People stay in hotels when they come to visit us.0
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Tell him to grow up, he can see his friend another time, you may not see your dad too many times after this.
I consider this taking a mile when given an inch. You already allow him an entire week away from his adult responsibilities so he should appreciate it and support you like husbands are supposed to do.0 -
Nope, not being unreasonable. Husband being a jerk.0
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Those boys need to grow up. Tell your husband HE can stay at the friend's place as long as he wants to!0
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You nagged, and got your way.
Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:0 -
You nagged, and got your way.
Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:
Fairly uncalled for. If she wants to take up the rare opportunity to spend time with her family then I wouldn't call this nagging. Specially since the friend is overstaying his welcome0 -
One word. Nope. For real? the "friend" knows the parents are coming and he should have enough brains to skedaddle. Hope everything goes well.0
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Have your husband and his friend get a hotel Saturday. They can have their fun since they only see each other once a year and you get to spend a whole day and night alone catching up with your family...0
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I don't think your request is unreasonable, but you actually won that one... so tread lightly. You're asking for a lot... you got your husband to ask his friend to leave. That's what you wanted. I know you ALSO want him to be all sweet to you and tell you that of course your dad is worth it and his friend should be only too happy to go for that reason... but he has agreed to ask him to go. That's the important part. Afterwards, he will more than likely see how important it was that he do that. I am just urging you to be grateful for the small victories right now. You're stressed out.
It's all going to be okay. But yes, let your husband follow through and ask his friend to leave on Friday. You'll get an evening to gather yourself and talk to your husband about it all before your dad gets there.
Yeah, what MrsMack said - I agree. You aren't unreasonable in wanting the friend to leave but may be expecting too much to want hubby to "respect your wishes" with a smile. If he's "letting" you have your way, maybe let him "blame" you (he saves face w/his friend). If you get along well w/his friend, and don't want to look like a witch, you can always just be upfront w/him. If he's your friend, too, he should be cool & understand. ... It's easier when one is on the outside looking in (such as I am now) - totally understand your "hysteria" - your need to vent
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I don't think your being unreasonable at all, not many wives would like their husbands to spend a week every year like that with his friend, I know I would hate it. Your husband is being unreasonable in that he isn't being very understanding especially since your father is ill. Too many he sounds very childish and you should not feel bad or embarrassed.
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1 week every year is not that much to ask for hanging out with a good friend. I'm sure if you were in that situation too you would agree. HOWEVER I do think that he should have been more reasonable with you. I like the other comments about the hotel. Since your dad is coming and you've already made plans, if the friend wants to stay longer, I think having the friend get a hotel for 1 night in order to hang out with his friend is more than reasonable. You will get some alone time with your dad, and then once his friend leaves on Sunday, then he can hang out with you and your dad if that's what you want. I would think that this would be a reasonable agreement. But that is what my opinion is.0
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