Am I being unreasonable??
Replies
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You nagged, and got your way.
Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:
<deleted>
It's not nagging - it's one disagreement over an subject that is important to her and therefore should also be important to him as well. "Nagging" is repeated many times over a very long time, and acts like a grindstone on a knife - it wears away.
It is not a "victory" either. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals, not a combat situation. If he or she thinks they have a "victory", in reality they have lost and the relationship is probably doomed.
I know that if I had ever been as pigheaded and inconsiderate to MY wife as that guy is to his, she would have tossed me out LONG ago! And to answer another <deleted> comment, it's not emasculation either. It is love, respect, honesty and genuine consideration for an equal partner in the relationship.
United States Marine since 1967, and delightedly married to my first wife since 19710 -
My husband thinks I am being unreasonable, because his friend's trip was planned first. But I NEVER get a straight answer when I ask when he is coming or when he is leaving....it's always "eh, he'll be here Saturday or Sunday, and he'll leave whenever". EVERY trip this is what I get. I thought I made it CLEAR to my husband that since my dad and stepmom are arriving on Saturday, his friend should leave on Friday or Saturday.
Either the friend is one of those people that never has his plans pegged down til the end, or your husband doesn't want to ask because the friend probably says something back like "why are you worried about it?"
I feel for you though.0 -
Is there any reason other than space availibility that the two visits can't overlap for a couple days?
That's what I was wondering. Also, if there is a hotel involved - be prepared, he may want to stay, as in hang out with the friend there at the hotel so they can continue doing their own thing and leaving you with your family. He still has a guest as you have yours.0 -
Reason with him that this is possibly your dads last visit with you. Also point out that there is no extra space in the house. His friend can visit anytime he wants, but not your dad.
I'd invest in a air matteress or two, for later occasions so he can crash for any amount of time he wants.0 -
Emasculation is the new dynamic in relationships?If I pulled what your husband is doing with my wife, she would kick my *kitten* - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
This is comical.:laugh: :laugh:
That was a joke buddy. Truth of the matter is I am considerate enough to communicate with my wife about plans, not because I'm afraid of retaliation, but because of mutual respect. I also expect the same and I receive it.0 -
My wife has a really cool saying, and we use it quite often when there is a disagreement:
Mean what you say
Say what you Mean
But don't say it mean!
I wouldn't care if I looked like the d*** or not, all I would really care about is my father who is not healthy, and I might not get to see him again.
I hope all goes well,
Peace0 -
I totally don't see that you are being unreasonable. Let alone, it was your husbands responsibility to let you know when he was leaving to begin with. He should have KNOWN and even told his friend he couldn't stay that long because other company was arriving. It's just him being inconsiderate. I get that his friend is there first, but that doesn't matter so I'm not sure why it was mentioned. Your husband should be a bit more understandable I think, since this might also be your father's last visit.0
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I can understand you being upset since you don't have the room for everyone. But, I have to say that your husband is just being a man. They are all like that.0
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I need a reality check, and due to the players involved, I cannot post on facebook, so I'm reaching out to the MFP community. Here's my story:
My husband's best friend from college comes to visit once a year (it's a five hour drive), and my husband goes to visit him once a year. They spend their entire visit being complete dorks, staying up all night playing video games. Whatever floats their boats, I guess.
So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.
That's the first part of the story. The second part is that my dad and stepmom are coming to visit for the first time in three years. We have never been close (my parents divorced when I was four), but we are really trying to form some sort of bond for the two of us, and for my son. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer, and very likely, this will be his last trip to our home. They are scheduled to arrive Saturday morning.
So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.
Well, TONIGHT....three days before they arrive, my husband tells me that his friend isn't leaving until Sunday! What?!! Dad and stepmom are coming on Saturday morning! The friend has been here since SUNDAY!!! Why can't he leave on Friday (or at the latest, Saturday morning)???
My husband thinks I am being unreasonable, because his friend's trip was planned first. But I NEVER get a straight answer when I ask when he is coming or when he is leaving....it's always "eh, he'll be here Saturday or Sunday, and he'll leave whenever". EVERY trip this is what I get. I thought I made it CLEAR to my husband that since my dad and stepmom are arriving on Saturday, his friend should leave on Friday or Saturday.
I have probably had my dad visit my home a whole three times since I've been an adult. It is very stressful for me, and I need the support of my husband. I tried to explain that to him, and he doesn't get it. He says "I'll be here". But he WON'T be with me and my parents....he'll be with his friend.
So, after the big fight we just had up in our bedroom, he said he'll tell his friend that I said he has to leave on Friday. So now I look like a total *****. I really want him to leave on Friday, but I also really want my husband to UNDERSTAND that I need his moral support this weekend.
I can't even face his friend, because I'm so embarrassed. But seriously, WHO would plan on staying as a houseguest for so dang long anyway, especially when you KNOW someone else is coming!!! It's not like we live in a mansion where they can each have their own wing. My son is sleeping on the couch this week so the friend can have his room. And this weekend, my son will sleep on the couch so his grandparents can have his room. And the friend will sleep on the couch too? WTH??
OK...ranting is done. Thanks.
More importantly how old is your husband that he needs a weeklong sleep over so he can be a dork with his friend. Seriously, if the friend NEEDS to stay in town until Sunday he can stay in a motel.0 -
All of the above, and a big NO you are are not.
Good Luck
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Why are you embarrassed? Tell his friend that this is a special visit and thank him for his understanding. Tell your husband how emotional and stressful this is for you and thank him for his support and understanding.
Best wishes to you for this visit.0 -
A couple people have said this in one way or another but I'll throw my thoughts out here.
First, your husband was in the wrong for even making this an issue. Any of the guys here who say otherwise are idiots that are never going to survive being married. Self centered DB's who think that their wife wanting space their dying father is "nagging" just don't have a clue. My apologies to the person who posted that....but the shoe fits if that was anything but sarcasm. I ask a lot of my wife at times, but to last 15 years in a marriage, you have to know when it's time to capitulate.
Second, since you ARE the one that is insisting that he leaves, the best thing for the future is for you to go to the guy and say, "Look, I know that you may think that I'm being a b*tch about this, but this is a huge deal for me and it may be the last time that I get to be with my father. I appreciate you helping me out and we will be thrilled to have you over in the future. Thanks for being understanding." That should end the deal and set you up to have the guy around in the future without issues..0 -
Maybe you're right.You nagged, and got your way.
Be happy for your victory.....:drinker:
<deleted>
It's not nagging - it's one disagreement over an subject that is important to her and therefore should also be important to him as well. "Nagging" is repeated many times over a very long time, and acts like a grindstone on a knife - it wears away.
It is not a "victory" either. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership of equals, not a combat situation. If he or she thinks they have a "victory", in reality they have lost and the relationship is probably doomed.
I know that if I had ever been as pigheaded and inconsiderate to MY wife as that guy is to his, she would have tossed me out LONG ago! And to answer another <deleted> comment, it's not emasculation either. It is love, respect, honesty and genuine consideration for an equal partner in the relationship.
United States Marine since 1967, and delightedly married to my first wife since 1971
It's possible I just got lucky 30 years ago when this Marine married his first wife.
She just leaves me alone, and I do whatever I want to do; no nagging or high maintenance drama. And she's the mothers of our 5 kids, highly educated with an MBA, makes over 200 K per year and is in peak condition as well as beautiful.
And I am the guy in the wrong on this poor version of the Oprah Winfrey show?
OK....:laugh:
Anyway, I see this slow process that takes place where wives just suck the life from their husbands.
COUNT ME OUT!
But if it works well for you, go for it.
To each his own.:smokin:0 -
I don't think you're being unreasonable.
However - and I fully expect people to think I'm ridiculous for suggesting this, but I'd be suggesting it based on what you've written about your father's visit regardless of the bromance situation - if your father staying with you causes such stress, why do he and your stepmother stay in your home? Why not in a hotel close by so that you can spend time together, but at night have your own space? It just seems that if relationships are already strained, putting them in close proximity 24-7 is just going to aggravate the situation. ESPECIALLY if there's illness involved. (And yes, I speak from experience - my dad's father had alzheimer's, diabetes, prostate cancer, etc., and for a variety of reasons, the relationship we had with him and my step-grandmother wasn't the best (not awful, but not like it had been with my dad's mother). They had an RV, and when they'd come to visit, they would park the RV at a campground and stay there at night, but we'd do stuff together during the days. It worked out the bet for all of us - we got time in to visit without all the stress of an in-house guest situation that was waiting to explode.)
eta/clarify: Stress and cancer don't mix well together. That in and of itself is the reason I suggested a hotel for dad and stepmom.0 -
If I were visiting a friend, and found out that the spouse's family was visiting, I'd take the hint and get out of the way. Especially if that family member was ill. Heck, if I were the friend, I'd want to bug out a few days earlier so you and your husband would have a few days to unwind between visits.
This shouldn't be an issue. I don't see any reason why there should be any walking on glass with the friend at all... you're all adults. All adults should understand the complexity of family situations, and that a visit from a sick dad trumps a visit from a friend.0 -
The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.0 -
It sure is a joke.
Emasculation is the new dynamic in relationships?If I pulled what your husband is doing with my wife, she would kick my *kitten* - physically, emotionally, spiritually.
This is comical.:laugh: :laugh:
That was a joke buddy. Truth of the matter is I am considerate enough to communicate with my wife about plans, not because I'm afraid of retaliation, but because of mutual respect. I also expect the same and I receive it.
We agree totally.0 -
^^^^^The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.0 -
^^^^^The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.
Didn't they already have an entire week together?
What about the will of the wife?
I mean... if cutting his week long "play date" short by one whole day is enough to "break his will," it's long past time for him to grow the hell up.
My husband's closest friends live 3 hours away. He sees them a few times a year. I have no problem with that at all. I encourage it. But I've also lost both my parents in the past few years, and when my mom was sick and hospitalized, he was there for me every step of the way. Playing video games with his friends was not on his radar.0 -
He was not stopping her from anything. Whatever...
^^^^^The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.
Didn't they already have an entire week together?
What about the will of the wife?
I told my wife when we were dating and just 16 years old that I was going to live life my way and totally on my own terms, and that I'd never change. She married me anyway, knowing what was coming.
And pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16 but with more bulges, bald spots, bunions and boils.
Maybe she thought about jetting a few times - who knows?
Remember, the one in any relationship that cares the least gets to make the rules. :smokin:0 -
Hmmm, I think your husband is being a bit of a pain,
BUT have you looked at it from his point of view? You have had a really stressed relationship with your Dad and he's only been to visit 3 times in your adult life. Yes he is really ill and it will be his last visit, but your husband is probably dreading it... He knows he'll have to see you upset and in a position that is going to be quite frankly bloody hard! Also he probably feels some sort of hostility towards your Dad for any kind of past (My relationship with my Dad is also pretty much non existant and my husband hates when he phones or anything like that because it is so hard on me)
Your husbands friend sounds like a long time friend, so your husband knows he can rely on him, enjoy his company etc.... If you were in your husbands shoes who would you prefer to be around?
That being said, he should also be ready to support you no matter what because that's what a relationship is about, you take the strength from your partner when you're lacking in strength yourself....
I really hope the visit goes well and that you find some peace but maybe don't be too harsh IF in fact your husband MAY be a littlw scared for you right now!0 -
Oh wow, all I can say is that I see alot of same responses, and all i can understand from them is " I will be newly single" " Or eventually divorced". And then women wonder why we do the things we do.0
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Tell his friend he needs to get a motel because you are having other guests. Your husband is being nonsupportive and needs to consider your feelings. Its your house too. Tell that friend to shove off!0
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So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.
So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.
If the friend usually stays a week and he arrived on a Sunday, why wouldn't you expect him to say the entire week? You also stated that you knew about the back-to-back houseguests and you were okay with it.
I am a wife in a marriage of 17 years and we have visitors regularly. It does not seem like you are anywhere near okay with it. I maybe out on a limb here, but who scheduled the back-to-back visit? One lesson I learned with house guests (no matter who they are or what is going on in life) - never do a back-to-back unless you are COMPLETELY okay with it because there is always the chance of the visitors overlapping. Always give yourself a 4-7 days in between visitors. On an outside note, why wouldn't you want your dad getting to know your husbands best friend? Doesn't your husband consider his best friend family?
I say suck it up and have the visitors overlap by a day and take it on as a lesson learned.0 -
Your husband has already offered to ask the friend to leave. Hold him to that, and thank him for recognizing how important it is to you that you need dedicated time with your family, especially given the circumstances. Also thank the friend for being accommodating of your family needs.
If hubby decides to back down or the friend decides not to leave, get a hotel room for the two of them and ask them to stay there so you and the family can have a quiet, quality visit and focus on rebuilding your relationships.0 -
Heres your winner, and she s staying married forever.So, the friend usually comes down over Memorial Day, and stays about a week (yikes). This year he couldn't come that week, so he came this past Sunday, and is here now.
So....put those two pieces of the story together, and I have back-to-back houseguests, which is kind of stressful, but I knew that when I made the plans with my dad, so I'm ok with that.
If the friend usually stays a week and he arrived on a Sunday, why wouldn't you expect him to say the entire week? You also stated that you knew about the back-to-back houseguests and you were okay with it.
I am a wife in a marriage of 17 years and we have visitors regularly. It does not seem like you are anywhere near okay with it. I maybe out on a limb here, but who scheduled the back-to-back visit? One lesson I learned with house guests (no matter who they are or what is going on in life) - never do a back-to-back unless you are COMPLETELY okay with it because there is always the chance of the visitors overlapping. Always give yourself a 4-7 days in between visitors. On an outside note, why wouldn't you want your dad getting to know your husbands best friend? Doesn't your husband consider his best friend family?
I say suck it up and have the visitors overlap by a day and take it on as a lesson learned.0 -
He was not stopping her from anything. Whatever...
^^^^^The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.
Didn't they already have an entire week together?
What about the will of the wife?
I told my wife when we were dating and just 16 years old that I was going to live life my way and totally on my own terms, and that I'd never change. She married me anyway, knowing what was coming.
And pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16 but with more bulges, bald spots, bunions and boils.
Maybe she thought about jetting a few times - who knows?
Remember, the one in any relationship that cares the least gets to make the rules. :smokin:
You seem to pride yourself in the fact that your wife's feelings mean nothing to you. It sounds like you're still trying to prove that you're a man and nobody tells you what to do. That is childish for a 50 year old man. If your wife has no say in anything you do that is probably more out of fear than respect.0 -
is it possible that we are getting a skewed perspective?
i mean from what the OP says - her husband is an inconsiderate ***, his friend is a worthless piece of ****, and all they do is act like goofy teenagers with their video games and whatnot. And they are both being inconsiderate ******, and dumping on the next visitors on purpose.
I'm just throwing it out there that it's possible that there is another side.
That said, there certainly is a compromise that can and should be found, rather than a fight. Someone needs to say "here's the situation, what can we do to fix it/handle it" not place blame or make demands.0 -
I say suck it up and have the visitors overlap by a day and take it on as a lesson learned.
I may agree with that if not for her father that she has a strained relationship with that she wants to repair wasn't dying. Those are some extenuating circumstances.
(I also don't think your husband is being inconsiderate for not having thought of it--we can't expect people to read our minds, we have to tell them what we need.)0 -
No, it's called "for better or for worse".
He was not stopping her from anything. Whatever...
^^^^^The last night his friend stays (Saturday Day thru Sunday), both (your husband and his hetero life mate) should get a hotel room and party it up, leaving you and your Dad (and stepmom) some alone time.
Family first.
THIS
Too many wives try to bend and break the will of their husbands. Why do you think so many marriages fail?
There comes a time when it's just no longer worth it.
Didn't they already have an entire week together?
What about the will of the wife?
I told my wife when we were dating and just 16 years old that I was going to live life my way and totally on my own terms, and that I'd never change. She married me anyway, knowing what was coming.
And pushing 50 years old, I am the same person I was at age 16 but with more bulges, bald spots, bunions and boils.
Maybe she thought about jetting a few times - who knows?
Remember, the one in any relationship that cares the least gets to make the rules. :smokin:
You seem to pride yourself in the fact that your wife's feelings mean nothing to you. It sounds like you're still trying to prove that you're a man and nobody tells you what to do. That is childish for a 50 year old man. If your wife has no say in anything you do that is probably more out of fear than respect.
These poor ladies bent on changing and controlling their men are usually the ones left holding the bag.
Again, my wife is wealthy, educated, had 5 kids and is in peak condition.
She's no little frail woman in fear of her own shadow.
And she's also secure enough in her own life not to need me hovering over her.
I could not imagine living any other way, but to each his own.
You men marry these needy ladies, and you make your own beds.
So, sleep in them :drinker:0
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