my man is trying to sabotage me - annoyed, advice please.

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  • Sharyn913
    Sharyn913 Posts: 777 Member
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    It sounds like the two of you have other issues to work out other than just food and snooping. Go out somewhere so you're not in the comfort zone of your home and openly discuss your concerns.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    He really just might be worried about you. You mentioned a history of eating disorders. He should be concerned. It would be questionable if he wasn't.

    I understand he might be worried.... that is why i am making every effort to eat my 1200 calories and even let him see my food log in detail. I'm trying very hard to get rid of my ED forever because i'm afraid to go back to it.
  • Josie_lifting_cats
    Josie_lifting_cats Posts: 949 Member
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    Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.

    This.

    You need to do what is right for you, what works for you... it's hard, especially when there's someone involved whose opinion matters to you, and it won't get easier, but you have to figure out what YOU want and then do that.
  • rotill
    rotill Posts: 244 Member
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    You say you have a history of eating disorders. Then you go on to talk about how you want to starve yourself because you can't measure yourself today, and you want to buy 3 measuring tapes so he can't get at them and keep you from measuring yourself.

    Your fiancé is obviously not handling this well, but he may have a reason to be worried. If you are so hung up on measurements that you don't want to eat because you have not gone through your ritual, it may not be a healthy relationship to your weight-loss.

    Please, don't let your fiancé's worry about you drive you into something rash. After all, measuring yourself is just a reassurance, a motivation to see that what you are doing works. If you are following a healthy eating strategy and working out, you will lose weight whether you eat or not. All that will happen is that your gratification will be a bit delayed. And don't be angry at your fiancé because he worries about you. From your own words, he has a good reason. Talk to him about your diet, tell him you are struggling to manage your eating at a healthy level, in order to avoid triggering your eating disorder. Stop talking about how you want to look differently, because he is trying to tell you that looks don't matter to him, and you are lovely the way you are. Focus on your health, not your shape, and let him see it makes you stronger, more fit and happier.

    And if you can't find your measuring tape, ask him if he knows where it is. Then let it be. It's about your health, after all, not your shape.

    Best of luck to you and your loved one!
  • Kristy_Elizabeth
    Kristy_Elizabeth Posts: 435
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    Maybe your history of having an eating disorder is just scaring the hell out of him. Try talking to him about being healthy and in better shape and ask him to participate with you and maybe then he would be less scared. Focus on eating healthy as well and fuel your body to workout and I think he'll see that this is different than how things were in the past. Be strong and keep learning to take care of you for you. Good luck sweetie!

    Edit: You didn't mention if you are getting any care for your ED, but I always like to tell people about this website for support:

    www.something-fishy.org/

    They were a huge help to me about three and half years ago when I hit a rough patch.
  • ahawks98
    ahawks98 Posts: 19
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    I agree with other posts. Try having an honest conversation with him, talk about your goals and health changes. If he doesn't understand and wants to be supportive, I would say you also want to be in a healthy relatiionship and emotionally it doesn't sound like he is moving along with you. So ask yourself "can I deal and live with this person for the rest of my life"?
    Tough choices but is not only about your physical healt but also emotional and spiritual. Wish the best for you and don't give up on your dreams and yourself!!
  • alexis831
    alexis831 Posts: 469 Member
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    You don't have a problem with your man sabotaging you.... you have a soon to be marriage problem. Huge red flags going up everywhere kiddo! This is the problem behind the problem. Prior to getting married see about going through a counseling course together. You are just seeing surface behavior but you don’t see the huge iceberg underneath. You really need this and if he won't go then go by yourself however that is even more of a bigger red flag if he won't attend.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    Honestly, it sounds like he is more concerned about you than he is able to really communicate to you. He is going about it the wrong way, but your obsession with your tape measure, and not wanting to eat because you haven't been able to measure, are arguably unhealthy, if I'm reading what you wrote correctly. I think rather than approaching him in a defensive manner, you should ask him what parts bother him most and why. Also ask him about the tape measures and why he took them (if he did). If he can't be open and honest with you, that is a much bigger problem. Most men who love us truly do not care how we look, it's about health. He probably doesn't care at all about you getting back to the weight you were when you met. Your size increase, your history of ED and your current (possible) obsession with the tape measure are about your own vanity. Be truthful with him, get truth in return. If either of those are impossible, you should consider that to be a red flag before walking down the aisle.

    i don't measure every day, just on mondays cause it's the 'start' of my week. it's why i haven't noticed the measuring tapes going missing immediately. no obsession involved, i've just decided to measure once a week as well as weigh so i know if i'm not losing weight (cause the scale lies) hopefully i've done enough exercise to lose some fat and gain some muscle.. and he truly does care about my weight, he wants my tata's as big as possible, for him. i've explained that i should lose some cause they are hurting my back (DDD) but he doesn't care.
  • tcmc11
    tcmc11 Posts: 12
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    @ bigdaddybrc: There's no "blame" involved -- that's a whole different topic. She needs emotional support from her husband, and instead is getting sabotaging behaviors and negative attitudes. Yes, she should do what she's going to do ANYway. No one, including her, doubts that. Your reply that attempts to "turn the tables" on her sounds like defensiveness. She's not blaming anyone.
  • _Elemenopee_
    _Elemenopee_ Posts: 2,665 Member
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    Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

    /endthread

    yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.

    He made NO comment about supporting your fiance, he said to make your own choices. Do or don't.
    That means in everything you do. If you wanted your fiance to stop, then tell him. Choose to do it for yourself, choose to explain to him your thought process, choose to keep him around and include him or choose to exclude him from your goals. Don't blame others for what you control.
    Are you doing this for yourself or for him?
  • BigGuy47
    BigGuy47 Posts: 1,768 Member
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    Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are....

    ...wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.
    What's with the obsession over measuring tapes?

    Take responsibility for yourself and deal with the ED. Your paranoia about your fiance is coming from within.
  • jen_bd6
    jen_bd6 Posts: 501 Member
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    You need to do the right thing for you... You made the right first step by choosing to use a site to help you keep things straight and organized... Sounds to me like he's insecure. That is his problem and he shouldnt be treating you like that. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, in all honestly (not that it's my business to comment on that). You are an adult... he should trust you to make the right decisions for you. To me, you are being very responsible in trying to take the right step toward a healthy lifestyle. Ignore it and allow him to act like a child if he feels it's necessary... Just keep doing what it right and healthy for you... Maybe he will wake up once he sees that it's working for you.... and if he doesn't, then it's his loss honestly... Remember... being healthy is no only about physical health... it's about mental health too... if he can't be there for you, he doesn't deserve you!! Simple as that!!

    Best of luck to you!! Feel free to add me if you want for some additional encouragement :flowerforyou:
  • cpauscher
    cpauscher Posts: 41
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    WOW!!!! Sounds like he is wanting to control you. Perhaps he is insecure in himself and is afraid of losing you when you get all hot and sexy :smile: I think you need to sit down with him and talk this out. Show him what you are doing, the foods you are eating and how you are trying to be healthy so you can have a long life together with him. If he still hides your tape measurers, fights you all the way on this choice you are making, maybe you need to take a break from him for a while. I know you love him, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is not really looking out for your best interests? Perhaps you could also go to counseling together so you can work this out with an objective third party. Good luck with your decision to become a healthy person. If you would like, you make add me as a friend for support.
  • xMonroeMisfit
    xMonroeMisfit Posts: 411 Member
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    I think he's just worried about you developing an ED again. Show him the site and all your food logs and all of your supportive friends who are also trying to lose weight healthily. He should have no objection.

    Hiding your measuring tapes is very controlling though, no matter what the reasons are.



    ^ Agreed
  • onyxcougar
    onyxcougar Posts: 22
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    Red Flags.

    (1) The title of this thread. If your man is trying to sabotage you, red flag.
    (2) He is STEALING and HIDING things from you. Red Flag
    (3) You've been waking him up? What 34 year old man needs his woman to wake him up? Are you his mommy? Red Flag.

    I think you recognize this already, from some of your remarks.

    I don't know your situation, but could it be you're still with him because of low self-esteem issues that he continues to propagate?
    And if he knows this, isn't in his best interest to keep you fat thinking that no one else will have you?

    From someone who was in an abusive relationship for far too long (because I thought I wasn't worth more respect), please think carefully about this man and your relationship.
  • jadedzen
    jadedzen Posts: 221 Member
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    Edit: You didn't mention if you are getting any care for your ED, but I always like to tell people about this website for support:

    www.something-fishy.org/

    They were a huge help to me about three and half years ago when I hit a rough patch.

    I was going there and a support group on facebook but eventually seeing other girls struggling so bad sort of triggered me so i decided to join here, also because it's not the site i used to log my 'ed' calories. I go to weekly therapy still and have been through month long outpatient ed programs. I am really trying to deal with my issue and not lay it on him or anything. Thank you for the support :)
  • XxOMG_ITS_PINKxX
    XxOMG_ITS_PINKxX Posts: 47
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    unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)

    i have been doing that for 3 years and figure a 34 year old should manage to get his butt out of bed in the morning. i really don't want to wind up in the 'mommy' role for him or whatever.

    and you are getting married?!?! Just sayin'
  • tcmc11
    tcmc11 Posts: 12
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    Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.

    /endthread

    yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.

    He made NO comment about supporting your fiance, he said to make your own choices. Do or don't.
    That means in everything you do. If you wanted your fiance to stop, then tell him. Choose to do it for yourself, choose to explain to him your thought process, choose to keep him around and include him or choose to exclude him from your goals. Don't blame others for what you control.
    Are you doing this for yourself or for him?

    OH MY GAHH, THE OP ISN'T TO BLAME FOR HER DOOSHY - ACTING HUSBAND. This is NOT about anything but HIS behavior and her frustration with it. Geeze. He's acting like a controlling jerk, SHE would be happier if he didn't, THAT is her problem.
  • dvisser1
    dvisser1 Posts: 788 Member
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    from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. :) good luck.

    I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700 :)

    Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.

    Not knowing you, or him, this could be completely off base here....but why not bring him into what you're trying to do? Do it as part of building a healthy (physically and emotionally) relationship together? Also force him to give you an honest answer why he's currently against what you're doing. If it's about your past with EDs then point out his involvement and support are key to your getting healthy again. If he's unwilling to answer or completely evasive, it really is a trust issue or a maturity issue (lack there of on his part).

    Definitely have the discussion, but keep your composure even with this emotional subject. Crying on purpose to get him to do something is blackmail and doesn't drive towards on honest solution.
  • RainbootsToBikinis
    RainbootsToBikinis Posts: 465 Member
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    I think you need to look at your relationship, it seems like your problems together go deeper than you trying to lose weight.


    I have a history of eating disorders, my husband knows this and he loves that I'm on this site. He knows that I'm eating healthy and not taking it to the extreme of an eating disorder. When I first started he'd ask me where I'm at on my calories and if I was a little low he'd suggest a snack. Now that I've been here for a while and mostly have my ED under control he trusts me to be eating enough and eating the right kinds of things. He loved me at 190 pounds, he loves me at 160 and he'll love me at 130, and without being a controlling a-hole.

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