my man is trying to sabotage me - annoyed, advice please.
Replies
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What's with the obsession over measuring tapes?Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are....
...wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.
Take responsibility for yourself and deal with the ED. Your paranoia about your fiance is coming from within.0 -
You need to do the right thing for you... You made the right first step by choosing to use a site to help you keep things straight and organized... Sounds to me like he's insecure. That is his problem and he shouldnt be treating you like that. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me, in all honestly (not that it's my business to comment on that). You are an adult... he should trust you to make the right decisions for you. To me, you are being very responsible in trying to take the right step toward a healthy lifestyle. Ignore it and allow him to act like a child if he feels it's necessary... Just keep doing what it right and healthy for you... Maybe he will wake up once he sees that it's working for you.... and if he doesn't, then it's his loss honestly... Remember... being healthy is no only about physical health... it's about mental health too... if he can't be there for you, he doesn't deserve you!! Simple as that!!
Best of luck to you!! Feel free to add me if you want for some additional encouragement :flowerforyou:0 -
WOW!!!! Sounds like he is wanting to control you. Perhaps he is insecure in himself and is afraid of losing you when you get all hot and sexy
I think you need to sit down with him and talk this out. Show him what you are doing, the foods you are eating and how you are trying to be healthy so you can have a long life together with him. If he still hides your tape measurers, fights you all the way on this choice you are making, maybe you need to take a break from him for a while. I know you love him, but do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is not really looking out for your best interests? Perhaps you could also go to counseling together so you can work this out with an objective third party. Good luck with your decision to become a healthy person. If you would like, you make add me as a friend for support. 0 -
I think he's just worried about you developing an ED again. Show him the site and all your food logs and all of your supportive friends who are also trying to lose weight healthily. He should have no objection.
Hiding your measuring tapes is very controlling though, no matter what the reasons are.
^ Agreed0 -
Red Flags.
(1) The title of this thread. If your man is trying to sabotage you, red flag.
(2) He is STEALING and HIDING things from you. Red Flag
(3) You've been waking him up? What 34 year old man needs his woman to wake him up? Are you his mommy? Red Flag.
I think you recognize this already, from some of your remarks.
I don't know your situation, but could it be you're still with him because of low self-esteem issues that he continues to propagate?
And if he knows this, isn't in his best interest to keep you fat thinking that no one else will have you?
From someone who was in an abusive relationship for far too long (because I thought I wasn't worth more respect), please think carefully about this man and your relationship.0 -
Edit: You didn't mention if you are getting any care for your ED, but I always like to tell people about this website for support:
www.something-fishy.org/
They were a huge help to me about three and half years ago when I hit a rough patch.
I was going there and a support group on facebook but eventually seeing other girls struggling so bad sort of triggered me so i decided to join here, also because it's not the site i used to log my 'ed' calories. I go to weekly therapy still and have been through month long outpatient ed programs. I am really trying to deal with my issue and not lay it on him or anything. Thank you for the support 0 -
unless he has an odd job, wake his *kitten* up. lol (i'm a ***** i cant help it)
i have been doing that for 3 years and figure a 34 year old should manage to get his butt out of bed in the morning. i really don't want to wind up in the 'mommy' role for him or whatever.
and you are getting married?!?! Just sayin'0 -
Stop putting blame on another individual. You either make the choice to do, or not to do.
/endthread
yeah i've made the choice and lost 1.5 lbs since i started here. he made a choice to hide my measuring tapes. the fact that you're supporting him stealing and disposing of my things doesn't make me like you.
He made NO comment about supporting your fiance, he said to make your own choices. Do or don't.
That means in everything you do. If you wanted your fiance to stop, then tell him. Choose to do it for yourself, choose to explain to him your thought process, choose to keep him around and include him or choose to exclude him from your goals. Don't blame others for what you control.
Are you doing this for yourself or for him?
OH MY GAHH, THE OP ISN'T TO BLAME FOR HER DOOSHY - ACTING HUSBAND. This is NOT about anything but HIS behavior and her frustration with it. Geeze. He's acting like a controlling jerk, SHE would be happier if he didn't, THAT is her problem.0 -
from the outside this relationship seems really unhealthy to me. he needs to trust that you are an adult and are capable of making HEALTHY life decisions for yourself. i would sit him down and explain to him how this is completely different from fasting because of an ED and that you're trying to go about being healthy, the right way. good luck.
I can see how he's worried i'll go back to an ED but i don't think he gets he's pushing me. I've sat down with him and used words, pictures and gestures to try to convince him that on my own i average 750 calories/day and i have been for a long time. i've damaged my metabolism and body with improper eating. and i've decided the only way to really get out of this 'semi-recovery' into a totally healthy place with my relationship to food is to make sure i eat enough to get my metabolism going again. eating 1200 calories is really hard, i'd rather eat 700
Thanks for bringing up the trust thing again. i think him and i will have a talk once he gets out of bed, it's nearly noon and he's still sleeping.
Not knowing you, or him, this could be completely off base here....but why not bring him into what you're trying to do? Do it as part of building a healthy (physically and emotionally) relationship together? Also force him to give you an honest answer why he's currently against what you're doing. If it's about your past with EDs then point out his involvement and support are key to your getting healthy again. If he's unwilling to answer or completely evasive, it really is a trust issue or a maturity issue (lack there of on his part).
Definitely have the discussion, but keep your composure even with this emotional subject. Crying on purpose to get him to do something is blackmail and doesn't drive towards on honest solution.0 -
I think you need to look at your relationship, it seems like your problems together go deeper than you trying to lose weight.
I have a history of eating disorders, my husband knows this and he loves that I'm on this site. He knows that I'm eating healthy and not taking it to the extreme of an eating disorder. When I first started he'd ask me where I'm at on my calories and if I was a little low he'd suggest a snack. Now that I've been here for a while and mostly have my ED under control he trusts me to be eating enough and eating the right kinds of things. He loved me at 190 pounds, he loves me at 160 and he'll love me at 130, and without being a controlling a-hole.0 -
@ bigdaddybrc: There's no "blame" involved -- that's a whole different topic. She needs emotional support from her husband, and instead is getting sabotaging behaviors and negative attitudes. Yes, she should do what she's going to do ANYway. No one, including her, doubts that. Your reply that attempts to "turn the tables" on her sounds like defensiveness. She's not blaming anyone.
This.... Thank you, you are my hero this morning. This is exactly what i wanted to say.0 -
Jaded Bones,
This just doesn't sound like a healthy, supportive relationship to me. Life is too short to get involved with someone whom you might be miserable with in the long run. There seem to be A LOT of red flags. You need to examine this and make sure this is a good choice for you. My husband is not on the MFP track but he is supportive to me in my weight loss. You are a beautiful woman, make sure he is worthy of all the love/sacrifice that we give in relationships!! Best of luck to you.:flowerforyou:0 -
Perhaps he is incredibly insecure and is afraid that if you lose weight other men will be attracted to you and you'll be whisked away by someone who doesn't act like a petulant selfish child.
I totally agree with this. My soon to be ex-husband did the same thing to me, and he wasn't even in the house since he was incarcerated. He would make fun of me or make comments when he did see me. I am working on the divorce as we speak - he is very insecure and childish.0 -
quote]
What's with the obsession over measuring tapes?Since i can't measure myself today (today was my day to do that) now i feel like i don't want to eat anything at all because i'm worried about the measurements the more i just sit here on my fat *kitten* and wonder where the hell my 2 measuring tapes are....
...wednesday i'm going grocery shopping and will be buying another 3 measuring tapes and hiding them deep in my wardrobe or a jewelry box or something he won't go through.
Take responsibility for yourself and deal with the ED. Your paranoia about your fiance is coming from within.
[/quote]
SHE IS NOT "IMAGINING" HER HUSBAND'S POOR BEHAVIOR. SHE IS NOT PARANOID. What is wrong with you all who are reading her thread and coming to this conclusion? Are you so threatened in your OWN lives/progress that you just have to throw up a wall to this person's actual problem? Geeze. Lighten up. There ARE actually such problems as she's describing in the world, no matter how much you try to flip it back onto her as "HER PARANOIA".0 -
I think you need to look at your relationship, it seems like your problems together go deeper than you trying to lose weight.
I have a history of eating disorders, my husband knows this and he loves that I'm on this site. He knows that I'm eating healthy and not taking it to the extreme of an eating disorder. When I first started he'd ask me where I'm at on my calories and if I was a little low he'd suggest a snack. Now that I've been here for a while and mostly have my ED under control he trusts me to be eating enough and eating the right kinds of things. He loved me at 190 pounds, he loves me at 160 and he'll love me at 130, and without being a controlling a-hole.
That's pretty much what I was trying to think of a way to type. It sounds like he's concerned about the OP's history of eating disorders, but going about this all wrong. Perhaps invite him to make an MFP account of his own and add him as a friend, so he can see what your calorie targets are, how much you're eating, etc?
I would never tolerate that bit about hiding your measuring tape. That's just childish and stupid.0 -
So, you've tried to talk to him, he didn't take much notice.
He's being controlling, he sleeps all day, and he doesn't have a job.
What a catch! :ohwell:0 -
Ahh the internet. Best place to get relationship advice ever!!0
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Although, I did think the obsession about the measuring tapes a little extreme...0
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I agree that he needs to show you a more positive, supporting attitude but he is probably just scared that you'll use the site as a tool to obsess over your weight...maybe like the measuring tapes (not judging, just saying...there's gotta be a reason he keeps hiding them). Try to educate him about the site and let him see the kind of support you're getting.
Maybe he can even join the site too, theres something for everybody on here no matter what level of fitness.0 -
Hiding your tape measure, while understandable to a certain extent (since you have a history of ED), is also unforgivable.
He doesn't get to make rules about your behavior. If you WANT his help policing you, ask him, otherwise he is wrong.
Your job is to be responsible and be open with him. His job is to support you. Make sure he know what exactly he can do to support you, and make sure he knows that stealing and hiding your weight loss tools has caused you to want to fast. His behaviors have consequences. On the other hand, you'll want to get that impulse to starve yourself under control-- that's something you can control, unlike his behavior.
Someone else said you could have him create an account so he can see you're eating... that may be a good idea. Worth a try. It may backfire however.0 -
Thank you to all the people in this thread who understand that i'm not trying to get him to lose my weight for me, that i'm still working hard at eating my 1200 calories AND losing weight in a healthy way.
Thank you to the people who understand my worry about him stealing/trashing my things, even if it is just a cheap measuring tape.
I appreciate all the comments urging me to reconsider this relationship. I think i have taken on WAY more than i should've with him cause i'm not sponsoring him into the country and since that decision has been made he's been treating me like ****, even though both my mom and i have gone into massive debt trying to get him through the immigration process, including my mom paying for groceries and my family pooling money to get an immigration lawyer. I think a piece of me doesn't want to give up on him cause i've put so much into this relationship but this might be a real wake up call for me.
For everyone suggesting i bring him here, he innately HATES calorie counting and insists that i need more like 5k calories to live. He is uneducated about it because the only nutrition advice he's ever got was from the marines however he is absolutely blocked when it comes to learning new things about diet. he insists that the way to get 'healthy' is to max load every single rep and really shock your body by intensive hella exercise (think boot camp). He doesn't seem to understand the idea of adopting a healthier 'lifestyle'. We have talked about this and I told him that he didn't even have to log his food, he could just use it to creep on my food journal. I think i really need to think about things more.
Thank you for all the feedback everyone0 -
I walked my husband through the site so he could see what I was doing and support me in what I was doing. He gets it, and is very happy with the healthy changes I am making. Maybe walking him through the site would be helpful. Also, what country is he from? Different cultures have different ideas of beauty! It could be he thought you were too thin to start with and loves your curves!0
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is this a joke?0
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Thank you to all the people in this thread who understand that i'm not trying to get him to lose my weight for me, that i'm still working hard at eating my 1200 calories AND losing weight in a healthy way.
Thank you to the people who understand my worry about him stealing/trashing my things, even if it is just a cheap measuring tape.
I appreciate all the comments urging me to reconsider this relationship. I think i have taken on WAY more than i should've with him cause i'm not sponsoring him into the country and since that decision has been made he's been treating me like ****, even though both my mom and i have gone into massive debt trying to get him through the immigration process, including my mom paying for groceries and my family pooling money to get an immigration lawyer. I think a piece of me doesn't want to give up on him cause i've put so much into this relationship but this might be a real wake up call for me.
For everyone suggesting i bring him here, he innately HATES calorie counting and insists that i need more like 5k calories to live. He is uneducated about it because the only nutrition advice he's ever got was from the marines however he is absolutely blocked when it comes to learning new things about diet. he insists that the way to get 'healthy' is to max load every single rep and really shock your body by intensive hella exercise (think boot camp). He doesn't seem to understand the idea of adopting a healthier 'lifestyle'. We have talked about this and I told him that he didn't even have to log his food, he could just use it to creep on my food journal. I think i really need to think about things more.
Thank you for all the feedback everyone
Sounds seriously toxic.0 -
Sounds seriously toxic.
^^ This. You're in a bad situation here. You need to get out now. Good luck.0 -
Thank you to all the people in this thread who understand that i'm not trying to get him to lose my weight for me, that i'm still working hard at eating my 1200 calories AND losing weight in a healthy way.
Thank you to the people who understand my worry about him stealing/trashing my things, even if it is just a cheap measuring tape.
I appreciate all the comments urging me to reconsider this relationship. I think i have taken on WAY more than i should've with him cause i'm not sponsoring him into the country and since that decision has been made he's been treating me like ****, even though both my mom and i have gone into massive debt trying to get him through the immigration process, including my mom paying for groceries and my family pooling money to get an immigration lawyer. I think a piece of me doesn't want to give up on him cause i've put so much into this relationship but this might be a real wake up call for me.
For everyone suggesting i bring him here, he innately HATES calorie counting and insists that i need more like 5k calories to live. He is uneducated about it because the only nutrition advice he's ever got was from the marines however he is absolutely blocked when it comes to learning new things about diet. he insists that the way to get 'healthy' is to max load every single rep and really shock your body by intensive hella exercise (think boot camp). He doesn't seem to understand the idea of adopting a healthier 'lifestyle'. We have talked about this and I told him that he didn't even have to log his food, he could just use it to creep on my food journal. I think i really need to think about things more.
Thank you for all the feedback everyone
Sounds seriously toxic.
Agreed. Sounded like from the first post that he is dating your BOOBS and not you. And just all around abusive. You don't need that. Tell him to take a hike and find someone that actually treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I really think this is deeper then him being concerned about your eating disorder. I think its more about a control thing and that's absolutely horrible that he's okay with you and your mother going into debt for him. Good luck what what you decide to do! :flowerforyou:0 -
No matter what you've already "invested" in the relationship, it's not worth destroying yourself. You can turn off the path you're going down and find a better route for you. And that also means finding someone willing to go down the same path with you. Sounds like he wants to go his own way and you're being pulled along whether you like it or not. You need to go down that road hand in hand, not his hand on your leash.
Re-examine your situation. Is it really worth the rest of your life to deal with this sort of crap he's pulling?0 -
The bold type makes it sound like your yelling a fact. Yelling doesn't make something factual.SHE IS NOT "IMAGINING" HER HUSBAND'S POOR BEHAVIOR.
What are the facts here?
The OP can't find her tape measures.
The OP has a fiance not a husband.
What if the tape measures were simply misplaced? No conspiracy involved. No insecure controlling huband. No sabotage. That's just lame and not fun at all. This is the internet - lets have fun with it.0 -
I hope you can let him know, he needs to support you or get the hell out of your life.
I've been here for 28 days.
Even though he still hands me the bag of Oreos from time to time out of habit, and tells me I'm perfect the way I am, he fully supports whatever I want to do, whether it's running a 5K, or jumping out of a plane for a thrill.....a true life companion will never hold you back from what you want.0 -
I have just realised that you have to be a little selfish when your trying to eat healthy, I kept putting everyone else before me, now I am putting me first, but that does not mean shuting out your partner, I ease the way for him by spoiling him and cooking food that he likes but he does not realise that they are the healty options.:flowerforyou: Please keep going and I hope you can be strong and not let him take you from the path you have started on0
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