Almost in tears and I can't quite explain why
Crystal0827
Posts: 244 Member
I am on the verge of tears and can not completely tell you why...maybe complete disappointment in myself or I am total jealous jerk?!?
Let me explain what happened.
I e-mailed my grandmother yesterday catching her up on a few things and she responded and wanted to know about how the weight loss was going. She told me my Aunt has also been dieting ( she was very over weight) and has lost 80 pounds.
I was so happy for my Aunt because I can personally relate and I know how bad she wanted to be healthy.
I responded to my grandmother about how slow the last few months of my weight loss has been but I am still losing and thankfully haven't gained. I asked what my aunt was doing to lose her weight. I told her about this website and few others that I use for recipes.
I just read her responding e-mail and for some reason which I can't explain and find totally selfish--I am on the verge of tears. She explained my Aunt is doing low carb, low cal and has been walking3-4 miles a day. She said she buying clothes at a thrift store because she is changing sizes so much and she is currently in a size 12.
That is when a complete feeling of failure came over me and I could have let tears fall. I think I am jealous. I have been doing this journey longer and even though I know I didn't have as much weight as my Aunt to lose but I still haven't made as much progress as she has. I am not wearing a 12. I went from a size 16 to a 13 and that is where I have been for the past 4 months... I should be happy for my Aunt and I shouldn't feel this way but somewhere in my screwed up head I am mad at myself for not being a 12 too.
I'll get over it.
I am sorry I needed to vent and where else better but here.
Let me explain what happened.
I e-mailed my grandmother yesterday catching her up on a few things and she responded and wanted to know about how the weight loss was going. She told me my Aunt has also been dieting ( she was very over weight) and has lost 80 pounds.
I was so happy for my Aunt because I can personally relate and I know how bad she wanted to be healthy.
I responded to my grandmother about how slow the last few months of my weight loss has been but I am still losing and thankfully haven't gained. I asked what my aunt was doing to lose her weight. I told her about this website and few others that I use for recipes.
I just read her responding e-mail and for some reason which I can't explain and find totally selfish--I am on the verge of tears. She explained my Aunt is doing low carb, low cal and has been walking3-4 miles a day. She said she buying clothes at a thrift store because she is changing sizes so much and she is currently in a size 12.
That is when a complete feeling of failure came over me and I could have let tears fall. I think I am jealous. I have been doing this journey longer and even though I know I didn't have as much weight as my Aunt to lose but I still haven't made as much progress as she has. I am not wearing a 12. I went from a size 16 to a 13 and that is where I have been for the past 4 months... I should be happy for my Aunt and I shouldn't feel this way but somewhere in my screwed up head I am mad at myself for not being a 12 too.
I'll get over it.
I am sorry I needed to vent and where else better but here.
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Replies
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why does someone else doing well means you're not?
it's just bad logic.
if your aunt had a lot more to lose it's obvious that she'd be losing faster?
why don't you do something positive with this information, for example looking at your carbs and seeing where you can improve things etc?0 -
First of all you should never compare yourself to others. Second, isn't a 13 a junior size? Third, just keep doing what you are doing and don't let what people say get you down. You got this and are doing a great job! Plus think of it this way the faster it comes off, the quicker it comes back when things go back to *normal*. A kind of spiteful yet realistic way to look at it. Keep your chin up and continue on this lifestyle adjustment the right way! P.s. I am half carb
love 'em 0 -
52lbs lost is amazing. As I say you didn't go to bed slim and wake up fat. It will take time and it has got to be forever.... I am cut out bread for my 1st 3 weeks ( this is my 4th) and potatoes rice and pasta. But this was more to do with me being an eater that will do anything for quickness. You need to ask yourself if your Aunt could keep this up forever or will she fall back to her old ways. I don't know what exercise you do but maybe if you can try walking as well. Buy a pedomitor and set yourself a goal to walk that bit further each day or week. But mostly think of what you could have been if you had not started this journey. May email your Aunt as she knows what its like to go through it. Remember everyone has down days. Get old photo's out and put them to one side to check out everytime you forget how far you have come. Chin up - keep going xxx Amanda xx0
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Having looked at the last 3 days of your diary you're always considerably over on the sugars and carbs and always considerably under on the protein. Why don't you try turn that on it's head? Protein is a life force and absolutely essential.0
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I understand how you feel. My sister has lost a lot of weight quickly and has kept it off. I"ve been yo=yoing for a long time. I think this time I'm going to make it. Because of this site, we have the support and motivation we need. Please add me as a friend.0
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*hugs*
It's normal to have these feelings. Remember that with weight loss comes both physical AND emotional change. You don't see yourself as successful because you are comparing yourself to someone else instead of remembering the formal probably less heathy you.
You need to stop attacking yourself and shaming yourself.
This not a race....this is your life and change is hard AND You are succeeding.
You slimmer, you probably have more endurance, you getting better at making choices food for yourself and you are still making time for huge lifestyle change.
This is forever for us....focus on you....you deserve it. 0 -
Seriously, that's okay, it's perfectly natural to compare yourself to other people. And you don't sound jealous, it actually sounds more to me like you just wish that your grandma was talking about your successes. And it sounds like she will be eventually!
All I can say is, you will get there. You are doing the work, and you need to understand that it's different for everyone.
And also, I think you are doing so well, you WERE a 16, now you're a 13 (which is closer to 12 than 16 is), you keep going and soon you'll get to 12, thats amazing progress! Compare how you felt a few months ago to how you feel now... would you go back there? I doubt it. Now imagine continuing your path and look a few months into the future.... Imagine how amazing that is going to feel!!!
You're on your path, it's just different and a little less drastic than your aunts. And it sounds like it's working for you.
Hope this helps a little anyway,
Bec0 -
I understand how you feel, and as has been said, there's no logic to it, we shouldn't be comparing our progress against others, but I do think it is natural for us to do it. Ask me how jealous I've felt from time to time about the success my sister has accomplished.
Thankfully, for me it's not a long lasting feeling, and I try to use it for the best, as in giving me incentive to focus instead of giving up.
We just have to remind ourselves how well we are doing .As you said, you're losing, you haven't gained. That's success. Not failure.
Keep up the great work.
~leaves a hug~0 -
((hugs)) feel proud of your achievement - slow but steady means you will keep it off.
BTW severally impressed your Nan can email ...0 -
13 is juniors size and 12 is misses. You can't really compare them, and I would venture that you're actually in the same size. So I'm not sure why that's an issue.
But I do understand the frustration and jealousy even though you're happy for her. It's difficult to struggle and struggle and watch others drop weight so easily (or seemingly easily, anyway).
But like you said, you haven't regained what you lost and that's a victory in itself!0 -
"even though I know I didn't have as much weight as my Aunt to lose" <--- There, you identified why she's losing weight faster than you are. I've been using MFP since October and haven't even lost 10 pounds, and it's discouraging when I see people on this site bragging about dropping 100 with hardly any effort. But I remind myself that they started off much worse than I did.0
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^^^^^^^^why does someone else doing well means you're not?
it's just bad logic.
if your aunt had a lot more to lose it's obvious that she'd be losing faster?
why don't you do something positive with this information, for example looking at your carbs and seeing where you can improve things etc?
THIS
Buck up and be glad for your progress. Let others' success inspire you.0 -
Feel proud what you have accomplished. You know she maybe doing drastic measures like low carb etc depending on how low if she goes back to the way she was eating she can easily gain back. I think you are doing great by doing it the right way.0
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You should not compare yourself to her, but instead use it at motivation to kick it up a notch!0
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You've lost 50+ lbs, why are you unhappy? Bet if you called your aunt she'd kick your *kitten* seven ways to Sunday for not being incredibly proud of what you accomplished! Bet your grandmother would too! Every body is different, we all have our own cycles of loss and rebalance. Be happy for your aunt, but more importantly, look at what you've done and be happy for yourself. Don't let this be a reason to go back to old habits, you're doing great keep it up!0
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Having looked at the last 3 days of your diary you're always considerably over on the sugars and carbs and always considerably under on the protein. Why don't you try turn that on it's head? Protein is a life force and absolutely essential.
This is excellent advice, particularly if you don't train regularly. Focus in on protein because irrespective of whatever side you fall on in the fat v carbs debate one thing is clearly true: most people do not eat enough of stuff.
As for being a little jealous of your Aunt well that is nothing to beat yourself up over. It is a perfectly natural reaction to feel that way if you are struggling. That simply makes you human.
I would say however that it indicates to me that your goals need redefining. Anyone can lose weight quickly. The big question is...can they keep it off in the long term.
One of the major goals of your diet should be creating the building blocks of eating habits which can last you a life time. Do that and your weight loss may take a little longer but in five years time you will still be slim whilst other people will have regained and look upon your beauty with envious eyes....0 -
Thank you everyone. This is what I needed and this is why I posted my feelings. I need the outside view looking in. I needed someone to grab me by the shoulders and give me a BIG shake!
Iknow this whole journey has a lot to do with "re-configuring" the brain also. Which is VERY HARD FOR ME. And my response/reaction to my grandmother's e-mail is very dramatic. I know this but can't change my feelings and there is even a voice in the back of my head as I type this "stop bit**in' and get over it!"
I am going to do as everyone suggested. This isn't a race maybe in another 4 months I'll be wearing a 12, Maybe I should try a 12 on today and see how the do or don't fit and use that as motivation? Cause as I sit here and think...I haven't even tried a 12 on yet.....How do I know?
I will reevaluate my eating habits which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate my meals, which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate and set goals--which I haven't done in 3 months. I will use my Aunt's success to push me harder--maybe instead of 15 push-ups I will think about that size 12 and do 25.
I will stop whining, start smiling and keep moving. I can and I will.0 -
Hugs Crystal,
It just hit you wrong, honestly it happens to all of us. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are doing fantastic. Keep working on this for you and in your own time and you will reach your goal.
Good Luck,
Craig0 -
I think to admit you are jealousy is honest and healthy. The crying is normal too. It is when you bottle it in and smile and be fake about it, let it consume your thoughts...well I think that's when it turns to envy. Envy is not good. Same goes with anger. If you are honest with yourself you show you are angry, but if you let it stay bottled in that anger can lead to hate.
I think one thing to point out before people might get confused as to thinking why I am saying jealousy and anger are good things, is that what I am really trying to say is that jealousy is a temporary human emotion.
When people act out of jealousy or anger, they are really acting out of fear. In your case, fear of failure is so common - I experience this same fear when I used to be out with my ex boyfriend who would check out other women in front of my face - but I would portray my emotions to him out of jealousy and anger. What I was really feeling was the fear he would leave me, or that he would not love me. I had to find out later (after painful relationship after painful relationship) that you have to love yourself before you can love others - in any size you are in first. Than you can heal. You're doing a better job than me! I just started.0 -
You are doing GREAT! And are doing it to get yourself healthier and make yourself happier. Think about the positive changes you have made! Email your aunt and congratulate her. Support above all is what we ALL need.
I completely understand you though. I used to feel like that sometimes when I saw people that have lost 60lbs in like 8 months and I've been at this for almost a year and have lost 15lbs. I know that in my journey I have gone the opposite direction and fallen back to my old habits, but I decided that I will use other peoples accomplishments as inspiration rather than another "bump" on the rode that takes me back to bad habits.
You got this. You are amazing, and wonderful and just a freaking fantastic weight loser!0 -
I know what you mean. My twin brother, who won't tell me how much he has lost,, has obviously lost a lot and looks totally different. He started well after I did. At a 4th of July gathering, I walked up and he was running the grill, I did not recognize him until he turned around. He looks so young. I became so green with envy, but then I put on my big girl panties and reevaluated my food and exercise. As twins we can be very competitive so a warning to him - watch out. I am on your tail.0
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I get this. I'm a naturally competitive person, I like to compete and my weight loss journey has been no different really. People around me have lost faster and easier than me, even if they were lighter to start with, but then other people haven't.
What made a massive difference to me is telling myself to run my own race. Other people do not have the same struggles, body or life pressures that I do. Comparing two people is ridiculous. We are totally different with different demands on our time, different functions of bodies and different levels of fitness and health. No two people are alike so any comparisons are null and void. Secondly I started to really celebrate other peoples success. At first I did find it difficult. I won't lie. I don't think that makes me a horrible person just someone who needed to recognise her own success for what it is. When I recognised other peoples success I started to feel better about mine. Fake it till you believe it.
The lack of protein in your diet will hold you back, it runs our bodies and it builds our strength. Sugar screws with our body. You have more of the screwing and less of the strong!0 -
I just read her responding e-mail and for some reason which I can't explain and find totally selfish--I am on the verge of tears. She explained my Aunt is doing low carb, low cal and has been walking3-4 miles a day. She said she buying clothes at a thrift store because she is changing sizes so much and she is currently in a size 12.
That is when a complete feeling of failure came over me and I could have let tears fall. I think I am jealous. I have been doing this journey longer and even though I know I didn't have as much weight as my Aunt to lose but I still haven't made as much progress as she has. I am not wearing a 12. I went from a size 16 to a 13 and that is where I have been for the past 4 months... I should be happy for my Aunt and I shouldn't feel this way but somewhere in my screwed up head I am mad at myself for not being a 12 too.
I'll get over it.
Low carb / low cal will cause fast weight loss, but is harder to sustain and especially harder to maintain long-term. There are many paths to weight loss, and you should be proud that you are taking the one that leads to the highest chance of LONG-TERM success, while also recognizing that your aunt is doing a wonderful job herself using her own chosen path, but she's going to have a much greater struggle than you are when she reaches her goal.
Regardless of the chosen path, you and your aunt are both doing the right thing in your own way. She's the hare, you are the tortoise. But you aren't racing each other, you're just competing with yourselves, and it's the kind of race where your time doesn't count - finishing the race is all that counts.
Take your time, do it right, and be prepared to encourage and support your aunt when she reaches her goal, because her hard work will come when she transitions to maintenance.0 -
I COMPLETELY understand how you feel! There is a girl who I went to HS with who was always considerably thin, or at least looked Healthy, through school, in pagants and everything...and afterward, put on about 100 lbs. She started right after school, then got married and had 2 kids. We stopped being friends and then later saw her and she had lost a bunch of weight. There was an article in the local newspaper about her winning a pageant a few months back and found out she had surgery to lose the weight, saying there were other health issues that prompted the decision. But now, everytime I see her, I get that "jealous" feeling about her being thin and me not yet.
NOW, while that happens, it also gave me new motiviation to get down to my goal weight, ON MY OWN, without surgery like she did. So, use it as motivation to "meet" or "beat" her at it, if nothing else.
BUT, like everyone else hsa said, you cant compare Apples and Oranges so dont compare yourself to your Aunt. You know what you have done (over 50 lbs is AWESOME) and know what you are capable of doing. Just keep pushing forward, be happy for your Aunt, and use it as motiviation to keep yourself "in the game" and moving!
GOOD LUCK with the rest of your journey!!0 -
Thank you everyone. This is what I needed and this is why I posted my feelings. I need the outside view looking in. I needed someone to grab me by the shoulders and give me a BIG shake!
Iknow this whole journey has a lot to do with "re-configuring" the brain also. Which is VERY HARD FOR ME. And my response/reaction to my grandmother's e-mail is very dramatic. I know this but can't change my feelings and there is even a voice in the back of my head as I type this "stop bit**in' and get over it!"
I am going to do as everyone suggested. This isn't a race maybe in another 4 months I'll be wearing a 12, Maybe I should try a 12 on today and see how the do or don't fit and use that as motivation? Cause as I sit here and think...I haven't even tried a 12 on yet.....How do I know?
I will reevaluate my eating habits which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate my meals, which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate and set goals--which I haven't done in 3 months. I will use my Aunt's success to push me harder--maybe instead of 15 push-ups I will think about that size 12 and do 25.
I will stop whining, start smiling and keep moving. I can and I will.
Love this! Keep us posted~! I"m betting those 12's are here and now or very close~!0 -
Let me just say that I am jealous of YOU! I would love to be a size 13, lol. The grass is always greener, right? And I think you are doing a terrific job!0
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You are human, sweetie! And you are right- you will get over it- it's just one of those blows life gives to everyone. We ALL know someone who has a super easy time losing the weight (makes you wonder why they were ever fat to begin with, eh?). My husband is one such person and he is 300 lb! You will get there and having gone more slowly, you will probably be more prepared to stay there. Hang in!0
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When you begin to celebrate victories for others, it releases selfishness and the burden of jealousy. What your grandmother's really saying is if your aunt can do it, so can you!0
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Thank you everyone. This is what I needed and this is why I posted my feelings. I need the outside view looking in. I needed someone to grab me by the shoulders and give me a BIG shake!
Iknow this whole journey has a lot to do with "re-configuring" the brain also. Which is VERY HARD FOR ME. And my response/reaction to my grandmother's e-mail is very dramatic. I know this but can't change my feelings and there is even a voice in the back of my head as I type this "stop bit**in' and get over it!"
I am going to do as everyone suggested. This isn't a race maybe in another 4 months I'll be wearing a 12, Maybe I should try a 12 on today and see how the do or don't fit and use that as motivation? Cause as I sit here and think...I haven't even tried a 12 on yet.....How do I know?
I will reevaluate my eating habits which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate my meals, which have been CRAP. I will reevaluate and set goals--which I haven't done in 3 months. I will use my Aunt's success to push me harder--maybe instead of 15 push-ups I will think about that size 12 and do 25.
I will stop whining, start smiling and keep moving. I can and I will.
And Crystal, with THIS attitude - you WILL succeed!!!0 -
It's a huge can o'worms, this weight loss business. So many mixed emotions.
Looking at it negatively/spitefully vs. positively:
- the faster it comes off, the easier it goes back on vs. slow and steady wins the race
- your Nan isn't celebrating your achievements vs. yours is gradual, people will remark far more quietly about a gradual loss than a sudden one
As others have said, if you must use the negative emotion then use it to kick you into touch Or go softer on yourself and realise how much you HAVE achieved, and not lose sight of that.
I'm a naturally very competitive person, and used to struggle with people around me losing more weight or 'doing better'. I learned to celebrate it or use it as a yardstick, because all it would do was eat me up otherwise.
Good luck, this journey is hard enough at the very best of times xxx0
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