When do I say something? Do I say something?
Replies
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I agree with the others who say there's nothing you can do. Do your best to be a healthy role model and give yourself peace by saying he is on his own path. I gained a lot of weight when I went away to college, and I sure knew about it without my parents having to tell me I was fat. Kids, even adult kids, need unconditional love. If anyone loves us fat, it should be our moms.0
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My husband and I know our son learns EVERYTHING the hard way - he NEVER listens to advice, then after a catastrophe (financial, job, girlfriend, etc.) will say, I guess I should have listened to you. I don't want him to have a health catastrope!
^^ I think that is what I would say to him...
Unfortunately, whether or not he listens and tries to change is really up to him... but if (God forbid) something happened, I think you would feel much worse having not said anything when you had the opportunity.0 -
I am that kid also! My mom has always been on me since I was like 12 to lose weight. And the more you push, the more they will dig their heels in, like a stubborn mule. Trust me. I bet you get the eye rolling and the psht sounds and everything right?
But trust me...deep down he is hurting. People do not eat that much food because they are hungry. Maybe he feels like he has nothing to do because he doesnt do the HS sports anymore.
Be point blank with him. Sit him down and tell "I do not want to see you die. I do not want to bury you at age 30." It may take some time but you have to chip away at this a bit at a time. Maybe show him MFP.
Have him look up this video on YouTube :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448
Just a warning...I cried...you will cry. He might even cry. It is a very powerful video. It is what motivated me to come back to MFP after a a long long break from it.
And also...find something he enjoys doing. If he is a gamer, he could do the Kinect fitness games or Wii fitness games. They have kick boxing. Dancing. MMA.0 -
He's an adult. He won't listen to you. I did the same. The more my dad got on me about my weight the more I ate. So talking to him may just make it worse. OTOH, just sitting him down and telling him you love him and if he needs your help you'll give it shouldn't be too bad.
I had to move out of my parents before I did anything. I felt that if my dad saw me working out he would make some stupid comment that would set me off on the wrong path again. I needed privacy. I was medicating emotional pain with food. ... and of course it tasted great so I kept it up. Made me feel good. He needs somethign that will make him feel good that isn't food. It's also hard socially to be the only one not eating the wings, beer, etc. when you're out.0 -
Bluntness ahead:
I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.
He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.
My response: I agree with the above. My mom was always on my case about my weight and I would think, "Why are you telling me something I know? I look at myself naked in the mirror after a shower every day and I am not in denial. I know better than you, mom, that I am fat." I would say encourage him in the wonderful things he does and that way he knows he is not a failure and measures up and will give him confidence to perhaps start watching what he eats. He needs to hit rock bottom on his own.
By the way, if you keep pointing out failures, when he does move on and out....he will have call display and will screen your calls because he will associate you with criticism. Nothing I can do was good enough for my mom. I lost weight at one point in my teens and became anorexic and my mom said, "Finally, you look good". Meanwhile the doctor told me I had to gain weight. Don't CONTROL him! Sorry to be blunt and I know you love him and I see one of my kids gaining weight too and it concerns me, but I tell her the things I love about her and that upbuilds her self=respect to take care of herself.0 -
Maybe offer to workout with him? You might be the exact motivation he needs to get back to health. Tell him you want to maybe "tone up" and ask if he would be cool with you going to the gym with him, and you two can push each other to success.
Would that maybe be an option?0 -
Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.
I don't believe there is anyway you are going to impose motivation on him form outside. It's got to come from within him.
I'd find something that motivates him and try to leverage it. Athletics, the opposite sex (hot girls don't like fat men), etc.
Now, if he is clinically depressed, you need to treat that, with professional help.0 -
You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.
He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.
Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.
Good luck to you.
^^^ This. I agree. I'm a proponent of logical consequences in parenting. If he's not paying his bills, the question you should be asking him is "Do you have some plans to pay it before we evict you in 30 days?" It doesn't sound like he's taking responsibility for his weight or his finances. While you can't do anything about his weight, you can stop enabling him by, very calmly, very logically, insisting his bills are paid or he's out. That's what the real world is like.0 -
I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. You actually sound exactly like my mother-in-law talking about my husband. She actually does say stuff to him and it only makes him more belligerant.
He actually responds to me better but I try not to be pushy. He does usually eat what I cook though so if I cook healthy he eats healthy and I am trying to encourage him to exercise.0 -
I gained a lot of weight when I went away to college, and I sure knew about it without my parents having to tell me I was fat. Kids, even adult kids, need unconditional love. If anyone loves us fat, it should be our moms.
AMEN!!!!!0 -
Not sure if anyone's suggested this ( I didn't read every response) but what about him getting his own place? If he moves out, it may solve a couple of problems...1) He will have to be more responsible with his money, and 2) he may not have the funds for chicken wings etc.... You could offer to help him with his budget for the first few months. I know when I first moved out I would go home (to my parents) to eat the food in the cupboard (which you said was all healthy.) Maybe he needs to feel that responsibility and pride of being on his own to understand that these things are important, not just for a 22 year old, but for the rest of his life.0
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There is maybe another route, you might not want to do it and it might not even work, but you could try if you're desperate.
You could tell him that he either eats the healthy food you get him or he's out of the house. Manipulation isn't nice, but if he's broke and has nowhere to go he might at least try it.
From what you've said he spends money on junk food but doesn't pay his rent on time, well maybe make it clear to him that that isn't right, that he has to earn his keep, and if the food you provide him isn't good enough for him to get off the sofa and get gone.0 -
Bluntness ahead:
I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.
He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.
Well, he's only pretending to be a grown adult. He's not paying his bills on time, he's eating like a teenager, he doesn't want to spend time with his mother--those are NOT the actions of an adult. It's time for him to grow up, move out and take care of himself.0 -
If you believe he is depressed/alcoholic, tell him you think he needs to find professional help for those issues and don't mention the weight. If he rebuffs your concern -- lay out for him exactly what he is doing that concerns. If he still bulks -- I think you have to kick him out. At some point, children have to grow up. If he wants to eat and drink whatever without being monitored by mom -- he's own apartment is JUST the place to do that. If he actually does have an addiction/depression issues, he has to be responsible for those. He can't just ignore you because your his mom and he wants to do the opposite of what you say. That reaction is honestly, that of a teenager - not a young adult. I don't know about others, but by the time I was in my early 20's I stopped rebelling against my parents. I didn't suddenly agree with them on EVERYTHING, but I realized that if I didn't agree with them, I could do things my own way (in my own home).
My daughter is only three, but I do understand how hard doing something like that would be. But honestly, enabling him to continue is only going to make it worse for you and him in the end.0 -
Leave it alone. Nagging him is only going to make him feel even worse. He's not blind right? He knows how fat he is. Until he wants to do something about it, nothing is going to change.0
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The simple fact of the matter is you cant change someone who is not ready to change !!!! I know this from my own experience.....0
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you need to make it clear he can move out if he's not willing to pay up.
his weight is his own issue. he's an adult and he knows he can talk to you if/when he decides to change that.
...but scoffing takeout every night whilst not paying the rent? that's just rude and distrespectful! you're enabling him to be selfish jerk, and that's not good for either of you. you need to put your foot down. he needs to pay his way or hit the road.
at this rate he will NEVER learn to be responsible for himself.0 -
I am that kid also! My mom has always been on me since I was like 12 to lose weight. And the more you push, the more they will dig their heels in, like a stubborn mule. Trust me. I bet you get the eye rolling and the psht sounds and everything right?
But trust me...deep down he is hurting. People do not eat that much food because they are hungry. Maybe he feels like he has nothing to do because he doesnt do the HS sports anymore.
Be point blank with him. Sit him down and tell "I do not want to see you die. I do not want to bury you at age 30." It may take some time but you have to chip away at this a bit at a time. Maybe show him MFP.
Have him look up this video on YouTube :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448
Just a warning...I cried...you will cry. He might even cry. It is a very powerful video. It is what motivated me to come back to MFP after a a long long break from it.
And also...find something he enjoys doing. If he is a gamer, he could do the Kinect fitness games or Wii fitness games. They have kick boxing. Dancing. MMA.0 -
I am that kid also! My mom has always been on me since I was like 12 to lose weight. And the more you push, the more they will dig their heels in, like a stubborn mule. Trust me. I bet you get the eye rolling and the psht sounds and everything right?
But trust me...deep down he is hurting. People do not eat that much food because they are hungry. Maybe he feels like he has nothing to do because he doesnt do the HS sports anymore.
Be point blank with him. Sit him down and tell "I do not want to see you die. I do not want to bury you at age 30." It may take some time but you have to chip away at this a bit at a time. Maybe show him MFP.
Have him look up this video on YouTube :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448
Just a warning...I cried...you will cry. He might even cry. It is a very powerful video. It is what motivated me to come back to MFP after a a long long break from it.
And also...find something he enjoys doing. If he is a gamer, he could do the Kinect fitness games or Wii fitness games. They have kick boxing. Dancing. MMA.
I cried watching that yt vid!0 -
I have an overweight son. He is 22 next week, works full time, lives at home. He has always been big, but seems to be gaining like crazy lately. I know he is aware he needs to lose weight - he always will comment about an amusement park ride he had to skip because of the weight limit, etc, but I am SO concerned about his health. He used to be a 3 season sports kid in highschool, and unfortunately could eat whatever he wanted when he was always at football practice, swim team, and track.
The problem is, as it can be with the kids, that the minute I try to "help", they do the opposite. I obviously do not want to drive him toward eating/gaining more. It is such a sensitive subject! I serve healthy meals, and am an avid excerciser, so he is kind of not following my lead (obviously). He also smokes, and I think he drinks too much.
Reading back over this, if this were someone else's post, I'd be like "Kick his *kitten*! Tell him to join a gym before he dies!" but I am concerned he is depressed and just unable to get a plan in motion. I need advice on how to give tactful advice, motivation, etc. He has a gym membership; I told him if he would go at least once a week, I would reimburse him monthly for it. That was 14 months ago, he has gone 3 times in that period.
Thanks all!
I don't really know what to tell you. I was pretty much in your son's exact position, and I continued to gain weight over the years. There were ups and downs; sometimes, I'd briefly "get serious" about my weight / fitness, but sooner or later, I'd screw it up and go back to eating the way I always had. Honestly, even what I've lost so far since starting on MFP might just be another "down" in that cycle.
In any case, I had the find the motiviation for myself. When I was younger, I was depressed much of the time, and have always been a stress / emotional eater. If anyone tried to help me change that, I ignored it or just bit their head off.0 -
What made me change was simple, the doctor told me to go do a blood test, I knew I was fat and unhealthy but seeing a piece of paper with numbers all in red was the day I changed...0
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Bluntness ahead:
I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.
He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.
Well, he's only pretending to be a grown adult. He's not paying his bills on time, he's eating like a teenager, he doesn't want to spend time with his mother--those are NOT the actions of an adult. It's time for him to grow up, move out and take care of himself.
I'm glad somebody else was thinking this too. Why is he living at home at 22, angry with Mommy for not buying him chicken wings? Seriously? As another poster said, if he lived on his own he wouldn't have all that extra cash for booze, smokes, and junk food. He might get some self confidence by not having to be dependent on his parents so much, and might realize how good he had it that he was able to live at home at 22. I sure as hell couldn't.0 -
I agree with so many of the posts on here. I know what I weigh, I don't need anyone (especially my mom) telling me I gained weight or how I look in my clothes.
I don't know the circumstances, but is there a good reason for him living at home at 22? Although you're trying to help him out (like any good parent would) it seems to me you're giving a drunk a drink. He does have the money if he can afford to eat out or go to the bars. He is making poor choices because he can. Some kids (and adults) won't grow up unless they need to.
Financially, Dave Ramsey helped me a lot. He told me everything my parents said, but since he wasn't my parents he was more credible (that, and well...he's a well known financial guy and my parents aren't). Check him out, but most importantly make your son (a grown man) be responsible for his choices.0 -
I was that kid too. Mom would offer all kinds of help, even paid for a 12 week session of Weight Watchers for me but the only way I could make a real dent in the situation is when I was ready to do it for myself.
The only thing you can do is let him know you'll be there to help when he's ready.
I'm assuming you've told him about MFP but maybe remind him since that recent doc's appointment gave you a bit of an opener... Or maybe recommend a similar site like Spark so he's not using the same website as Mom...
Keep inviting him to go on walks, hikes or bike rides - who knows, one of these days, he may surprise you!0 -
Does he get a yearly physical? I know my doctor noticed how overweight I had become and talked to me about it. She told me how to eat better, how to exercise, etc. Maybe if he hears it from a professional, he'd take it more seriously. His health is everything and I'm sure the doctor would emphasize this!0
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You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.
He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.
Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.
Good luck to you.
Thank you! That is exactly what I was thinking.0 -
as the last poster said I was that person as well. I had been hounded by my weight and it just made me angry and would cause me ot eat even more.0
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This!!
Bluntness ahead:
I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.
He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.0 -
turn off the cable.0
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There is little you can do if he is a fat adult without the drive to be fit.
Just love him, and accept him as is.
The time to address this as a parent is long past.
That ship has sailed.0
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