When do I say something? Do I say something?

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  • caraiselite
    caraiselite Posts: 2,631 Member
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    take him to the doctor let the doctor tell him to stop eating, fatty.
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
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    This is a tough situation to be in.

    Unfortunately, he is an adult and you can not force him to do anything. You know him and his personality better than any of us do - so you have to decide what will be your next step. Do you tell him "Look, you need to cut back on the junk food and get to the gym before you gain anymore weight" or do you approach it in a more subtle way - tell him you're concerned, etc. This is something you will have to figure out on your own.

    Just be cautious because making him feel guilty or bad will only push him into "secret" eating. He'll eat stuff once you've gone to bed or when you are gone from the house. You don't want this to turn into "secret" eating.
  • PJ64
    PJ64 Posts: 866 Member
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    A friend of mine did this; Took his daughter who was 200lbs overweight to a funeral home and asked to see some caskets. He told her "Honey pick out one you like, I love you but I'm afraid you will die before me and I want to fulfill your last wishes"
  • misskerouac
    misskerouac Posts: 2,242 Member
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    I agree with not saying anything.

    My mom told me I was overweight growing up over and over (although I think hers was more that a fat daughter was a bad reflection on how people saw her, she wanted 2 pretty girly girls and got 2 tomboys)


    I still don't have a good relationship with her, I don't phone her unless I have to.

    I'm 28, I don't need comments about my weight from her, good or bad.
  • BrianSharpe
    BrianSharpe Posts: 9,248 Member
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    Why is he still living at home at 22? He's an adult but he's never going to act like one when he's too comfortable living at home and having you cleaning up all of his messes. If he's not paying his bills on time (as long as that doesn't adversely affect you) let him figure it out.

    Time for some tough love. You need to let him know that you love him but that you aren't prepared to watch him self destruct.
  • steadk
    steadk Posts: 334 Member
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    You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

    I agree with this. Perhaps an ultimatum. You're not going to support his unhealthy habits by allowing him to spend money on unhealthy things when you're able to provide healthy items instead. if he doesn't change in 30 days, let him out...
  • sarahharmintx
    sarahharmintx Posts: 868 Member
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    You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

    He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

    When I was 22 I had a kid, a job and 2 college degrees. But this post isnt about me although I can see ^^^ point.

    Have you asked: "What can I do to help you?" Its a good way to get him thinking but leave the ball in his court.
  • Rory_123
    Rory_123 Posts: 68 Member
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    I'm going to disagree with everyone else and say: tell him what you see. Sometimes people just don't see the weight gain. I didn't really notice that I had gained ~20 lbs over the past few years. My dad made a comment. It pissed me off, but he was right. Once he said it I could really see it.

    You could also be sneaky and offer to take him clothes shopping. He might reach for his old size and be a bit surprised when it doesn't fit. He is a boy, though, so I;m not sure if this would work as well as it would with most girls!
  • faefaith
    faefaith Posts: 433 Member
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    Look for ways to transition him out of the home. Come up with a plan and then stick to it. Also, look for some emotional support to help you in letting him go and transitioning into an adult.

    I lived at home well into my 20's and it took its toll on my self esteem and my relationship with my parents. Find a way to let him go. When you do, it will communicate to him, even if its only on a unconscious level, that you have faith in him. Sometimes the tick in the pants is the most loving thing you can do.
  • deadstarsunburn
    deadstarsunburn Posts: 1,337 Member
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    What made me change was simple, the doctor told me to go do a blood test, I knew I was fat and unhealthy but seeing a piece of paper with numbers all in red was the day I changed...

    Yeah I'd take the "go to the dr for your yearly exam" route. When my mom told me I wasn't eating very healthy or was gaining weight, it just made me mad and hate myself more. It didn't motivate me in the least.
    I think you mentioned thinking he could be depressed? He could go get evaluated because if he is depressed that's the first thing that needs address.
  • welly5
    welly5 Posts: 293 Member
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    I agree with everyone that is saying not to make this about his weight because it will make him resentful.

    You mentioned that you are worried about a number of things and I think that the big, main issue here is his happiness. You can't make him want to change but you can mention that you are worried that he is feeling unhappy, or 'stuck'. I have had several friends with depression that wished that their parents had noticed just how unhappy they were

    You can't offer a solution to depression or someone else's weight problem but I think letting him know that you love him, noticed that he is unhappy, and that he's a great person who deserves happiness. Then when he is ready to lose weight or take control of his life he can turn to you (since you seem like you have great health tips to give)

    good luck!
  • cranberrycat
    cranberrycat Posts: 233 Member
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    As long as he lives in your house under your roof, I would recommend just keep modeling good health practices. At least you can prepare good healthy meals, he can choose to eat them or not. Stay active, keep offering to go on walks or bike rides. He may refuse, but maybe if he continuously sees the healthy living pattern, he may see the light.

    I agree with the others, it has to be his choice, but as long as he lives with you, at least YOU have control over the immediate environment that you are providing for him, so make it a positive and healthy one.
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
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    Bluntness ahead:

    I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

    He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

    Well, he's only pretending to be a grown adult. He's not paying his bills on time, he's eating like a teenager, he doesn't want to spend time with his mother--those are NOT the actions of an adult. It's time for him to grow up, move out and take care of himself.

    I'm glad somebody else was thinking this too. Why is he living at home at 22, angry with Mommy for not buying him chicken wings? Seriously? As another poster said, if he lived on his own he wouldn't have all that extra cash for booze, smokes, and junk food. He might get some self confidence by not having to be dependent on his parents so much, and might realize how good he had it that he was able to live at home at 22. I sure as hell couldn't.

    Of course, at 22 I had a full time job, my own place and paid all my bills. I live 1500 miles from my parents and if I asked for money they said, tough luck.

    I lived in my car for a few weeks just because I was lazy and it was seriously a lesson learned. If he's a bull head like me, maybe sleeping in his car for a week will show him life is more then sitting on mommys couch and drinking. You're an enabler and its time to boot him.
  • LisaB55
    LisaB55 Posts: 35 Member
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    People, even young people, don't change unless they want to. If they aren't ready there is nothing you, or anyone else for that matter, can say that is going to get them to that point. The motivation ultimately has to come from within you. There is a model of change that seems to hold pretty much true, the Stages of Change model. I found a fairly good article that describes these stages. For a long time I was stuck in the "precontemplation" stage.

    http://www.builtlean.com/2010/06/01/5-stages-of-change-model-which-stage-are-you-in/
  • vbmama2012
    vbmama2012 Posts: 60 Member
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    He's 22...living at home. Your house, your rules! No 22 year old should be sitting in front of the tv eating a large order of chicken wings. Seems he finds comfort being at home eating as much as he wants to. If you make it a "no junk food" zone, he'll have to eat out in public. Sounds harsh, as it'll probably make him feel ashamed, but perhaps that's what it's going to take to motivate him. Another "house rule". 30 minutes of outdoor activity daily. My children were not overweight, but when I started my weight loss journey, I knew I had to encourage them to get outside and get some physical activity. We were able to catch up with our days, chat, and just spend time together. Granted, they weren't 22, they were 18 and 14, but they abided by the rules.
  • IronPlayground
    IronPlayground Posts: 1,594 Member
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    You may not like this but you need to kick his butt out of your house. Sitting on his butt at home, spending his money on junk food and booze, not paying his bills in a timely manner. He's 22. He's a grown man. Make him act like it.

    He's got to take responsibility for himself, his health, and his future. Nothing else is going to change him. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can say or do otherwise to make him change.

    Get him out of your house, on his own two feet, and be as loving and supportive of his independence as you can.

    Good luck to you.

    ^This is what comes to mind as I read this thread. You mentioned that you know his response to your comments would be that he can take care of himself. I think you need to let him do just that.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,676 Member
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    The time to set standards and establish good habits in your children is while they are growing up. Since he is already pretty much an adult obviously that got missed. However, in our (husband and I) house,our standards and our rules apply. PERIOD. I don't care how old he is. There is no way I would put up with anyone walking around my house fat, smoking, drinking, lazy or any other bad habit....disgusting! He would have a schedule and be accountable for it in our home. He had better not make me disgusted, but rather be pleasing, productive and happy, and respectful of what is expected of him. That's the functional definition of RESPONSIBILITY around here: knowing and doing what others expect of you. Create boundaries and have standards!! Have some dominion over your own home! You're creating this bubble for him to live in, and it is totally destructive. WHO'S GONNA PUT UP WITH HIM BESIDES YOU? I sure wouldn't. Employers won't like him. Responsible people won't like him. He'll make people grit their teeth. An awesome woman you'd love as a daughter in law and the mother of your grandchildren won't like him. If you love him, you will hold to standards, firmly, and with a big, happy smile on your face!
  • AllTehBeers
    AllTehBeers Posts: 5,030 Member
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    I'm going to disagree with everyone else and say: tell him what you see. Sometimes people just don't see the weight gain. I didn't really notice that I had gained ~20 lbs over the past few years. My dad made a comment. It pissed me off, but he was right. Once he said it I could really see it.

    You could also be sneaky and offer to take him clothes shopping. He might reach for his old size and be a bit surprised when it doesn't fit. He is a boy, though, so I;m not sure if this would work as well as it would with most girls!

    Putting on 20 pounds over a few years is completely different then going from an XL to a 4x in a few years. You know you're fat then.
  • wiltl
    wiltl Posts: 188 Member
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    He does have to want to change his life, no one else can do that for him. As a parent, you can't TELL him to change or have any one else tell him to change (I HATED when my friends parents would ask me to talk to their kid/my friend about something, it put me in the middle and also made them more angry with their parents for taking a private family matter outside the family no matter how close I was with them).

    But, from what you said - he's working full time, has bill paying issues, smokes, drinks and is gaining weight. My thoughts are that he's probably having a bit of difficulty transitioning from his high school life to the adult world and needing to figure out how to regain control over the various aspects of his life. He could also have a bit of depression, which gets worse the more you think things are out of control.

    If you're starting with his finances, then tonight focus on that. Don't tell him how to pay bills, show him a method or two or say "this is what your dad and I use" and have him categorize his spending, including the gym membership if he's still paying for it. At the end of the conversation, tell him you love him and that you're always there to help and support him (emotionally) but you realize he's an adult and needs to be and wants to be independent. Let him know if he wants to talk about anything, you're there to listen. It really sounds like getting one thing pulled together would lead him to looking at other things to change.

    *I'm saying all of this as the daughter of a mom who only had the best of intentions for me, but would want to try and fix or tell instead of letting me figure things out on my own. I know this is default "mom-mode" and its obvious you love your kid.
  • BeyondApril
    BeyondApril Posts: 133 Member
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    WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.

    The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.

    The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.

    It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.

    To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.

    I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.

    Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.

    Enough. Tough love here I come.

    Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!

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