When do I say something? Do I say something?

WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.

The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.

The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.

It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.

To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.

I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.

Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.

Enough. Tough love here I come.

Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!

Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!

The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.

That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!

My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. The moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!

Your situation is not the same as the OP's. Your daughter is working and going to school. Her son is not paying his bills, not going to school, and has no direction.