When do I say something? Do I say something?

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Replies

  • Katydid0505
    Katydid0505 Posts: 4 Member
    He very well could be depressed. Maybe you could approach this issue with love initially instead of of the weight issue. I was depressed and I can say that you get in a huge rut where there are so many things you want to do or change, but because of the depression you just can't bring yourself to do it. If he could talk to his doctor, or I went to a counselor initially and then was referred to a psychologist in order to be prescribed medication. It does take some time to get on the right medication and it can be frustrating, but it was so worth it for me. Once my depression lifted I was able to be motivated again to get the things in my life done that needed to be. Maybe if he could get rid of his depression he would be able to focus on his health and getting things into place.
  • bbaker172
    bbaker172 Posts: 93
    Yes, he goes out and buys crap to eat because I won't buy it. He will buy a huge order of buffalo wings, tell me it is for 2 meals, then eat it in one sitting in front of the tv.

    I am supposed to sit down with him tonite and go over finances (he isn't paying his bills on time!) and I was thinking of broaching the subject that way. He is just soooooo stubborn! It's like I can "hear" his responses when I try to think about how to go about it. "I'm worried about your health" = response "I can take care of myself, don't worry about me" as he thinks to himself, She can't run my life.

    My husband and I know our son learns EVERYTHING the hard way - he NEVER listens to advice, then after a catastrophe (financial, job, girlfriend, etc.) will say, I guess I should have listened to you. I don't want him to have a health catastrope! He has already had a number of health issues, and his doctor has told him multiple times that these issues would clear up if he would lose weight. Then he gains more.

    I don't want him to end up having a heart attack! :-(


    Tried Therapy? There's something that's bothering him and it seems that he's building a wall around himself with food and weight.
    I would try therapy and see if he'll talk to someone about the issue's he's having, and hopefully that will help.
  • BeyondApril
    BeyondApril Posts: 133 Member
    The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

    I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

    He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

    Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

    I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

    He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

    Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.

    Sounds great! I'm glad things are working out for you.
  • KellyL23
    KellyL23 Posts: 81 Member
    Can you buy him some home weight lifting equipment (barbell, weights, dumbell, bench)? Working out at home is easy, as you can do it in private, and it is right there, so hard to find excuses. I am a basement exerciser, and love it!!!
  • KathyReinhart
    KathyReinhart Posts: 8 Member
    He sounds depressed and may be self medicating with both food and alchohol. I find the best thing to combat depression is to exercise if he refuses maybe he needs to try medication. You don't mention his friends. Its really important that he have supportive friends if he is to conquer his unhealthy lifestyle. Also is he a student or does he work? He may be unhappy in his job as well. You mentioned he used to be in many sports maybe he could get involved in an adult team sport? Maybe his gym has something-YMCA's often do. Sounds like you are a loving mom and I hope you are able to help out of this unhealthy lifestyle.
  • DonniesGirl69
    DonniesGirl69 Posts: 644 Member
    I had a similar discussion with my daughter. She is 17 and quite overweight. She's watched me work hard to lose over 90 pounds. I waited to see if SHE would express any desire to follow my example and she did. When she did, I made it a point to tell her how beautiful and perfect she is (of course) and then explained to her the health benefits of losing weight and being fit. I gave her my bicycle and I've taken up running and don't use it anymore, and she started riding along with me on my runs.

    She's slowly started to lose some weight, she's almost give up those awful "energy drinks" (she likes Monster) and she's started eating a lot more green food and a lot less fast food.

    I always try to be encouraging with her, letting her know that I'm concerned only with her health and overall happiness. She's responded well because she knows I'm not simply "picking on her".
  • Roni_M
    Roni_M Posts: 717 Member
    The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

    I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

    He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

    Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.

    That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!

    My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. However, the moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!
  • VelociMama
    VelociMama Posts: 3,119 Member
    The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

    I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

    He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

    Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.

    That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!

    My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. The moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!

    Your situation is not the same as the OP's. Your daughter is working and going to school. Her son is not paying his bills, not going to school, and has no direction.
  • LoriFalce
    LoriFalce Posts: 3
    My mother was very concerned. She put me on the Mayo Clinic Diet (the actual one, she worked at the Mayo Clinic) when I was 4. I was a slightly chunky 4 year old.

    When I was 8, she would send me to my grandmother every summer for a three month diet boot camp. That's where I learned to sneak food, not because I was hungry, but because I wanted some kind of control. They put me on Diet Center, and I chugged grape soda in a closet.

    The more they harped on my weight, the higher the numbers went while I pretty much tried to prove that there was more to me than the numbers on the scale.

    I was 17 when my mom found the article on stomach stapling. It was 1987. I was one of the youngest people to have it done back before it became the cool thing to do. In fact, because I was so young, they did a modification, painting my staple line with Teflon to keep it strong. Except that it didn't work, ruined my digestive system, and because of the Teflon, can't be modified.

    The best thing about having a ruined digestive sysem that now makes it all but impossible to diet is that it saved my relationship with my mother. She hasn't said a word about my weight in 24 years.

    Just be there for him if he decides he's ready. He'll need support then. Until then, everything you say makes him feel like he's drowning in criticism and the food is the only rope he has.
  • LoriFalce
    LoriFalce Posts: 3
    WOW! I had planned to comment on every reply, but there are so many, I will never be able to! Thank you ALL for your words! I am a firm believer in having a PLAN - a goal without a plan is just a dream.

    The PLAN for the finance talk tonight was supposed to be he would give me his account info and password and I would make sure his bills got paid. The weight talk I was thinking about, but now I am going to skip it except to tell him I love him, and if he isn't happy in his life that I hope he knows he can come to me and talk about anything. And THAT'S ALL.

    The REVISED PLAN for the finances is going to be to show him a more organized way for HIM to pay his bills on time.

    It is adversely affecting me because some are college loans that I cosigned, and he is destroying my credit record.

    To those who say Kick his butt out - Yes, I fully believe that once he is on his own, learning everything the HARD way as usual, that he will smarten up and get a grip on his life. My hubby says all the time I make things too easy for him, and he is right.

    I moved out of my house when I was 18 and never went back. I lived in a rooming house for 6 weeks sharing a bathroom with a bunch of drunks who puked in there every weekend, and I'd have to clean it up to take my shower to go to work. I lived in a studio apartment in a bad section of town, and often ran out of money before I got to food shopping because I made crap wages and was on my own, and I lived on popcorn and eggs, the cheapest food available at the time.

    Thank you all again for your help. I think if he can feel like he can handle the finances on his own and then succeed at it, maybe it will start a chain reaction. And I am calling my husband now to say "You know how I said not to ask dear son for his rent this month? GET THE RENT." Son was saying he had no money, but last night came in with a box of food from Papa Gino's and a 12 pack of beer.

    Enough. Tough love here I come.

    Oh, and there may be some counseling in my future as well - I really do need to let the children make their own mistakes and learn, not do stuff for them. They are 17, 22 and 24, and they ALL live at home, as well as my mom, and I would LOVE to see light at the end of the tunnel!
    Hope your "tough love" does not include kicking him out...because the general public does not need the aggravation! This is a mess and as a family, you all need to take responsibility. Your husband needs a backbone and take dominion and leadership over this household. You need to get comfortable with high standards and hold to them. You have signed loan documents with him (not smart!) which increases your responsibility. Untangle this mess in the privacy of your own home, working as a team. Straighten up! You are all smart capable adults, this will be your opportunity to grow as a family in wisdom and skill, and be connected and productive as never before!

    I thought you were cruel and judgmental in your first comment where you said you wouldn't tolerate a disgusting fat person walking around your home. And then I read this comment from you, and the minute I hit the part about how her husband needs to "take dominion," I understood what was going on. I'd rather be fat than be hateful, thanks.
  • mscrumbyy
    mscrumbyy Posts: 116
    I was in a similar position to your son very recently- I tend to bury my head in the sand and ignore things at uni, ignore all my financial problems, and my weight. It was total denial, and I only recently sorted myself out. But even still I was a typical stubborn teenager and despite my doctor and my mum urging me to get active, I sort of ignored them because I like food and I have better things to be doing. I started trying to lose weight almost a month ago but ultimately it's my dad's heart attack that set me straight. He's 40 years old, far too young to be almost dying, and to be honest it scared the crap out of me.
    Something has to click eventually for him, though. It might be financially or in terms of his weight or whatever else, but it has to happen eventually. Perhaps tough loving it and threatening to kick him out would be just what he needs. My mum threw me in at the deep end financially and I soon sorted me out, continuing to spoon feed me would have gotten me nowhere.
  • lvpthemvp
    lvpthemvp Posts: 266 Member
    That is so hard. I think I would not be qualified to say what to do. I have no kids. And at 22 I was thin. At 22 I would not have been receptive to anything said by my parents. I barely hear them at 45. But I think I would take control of my house. And lead by example. No junk in this area of the house. Lay out your goals for you. Live by example. Express your love. pray.
  • galededras
    galededras Posts: 45 Member
    He's an adult. I'm sure he's aware that he's overweight. Why do people think that when they tell an overweight person that they are overweight that they're giving them some sort of epiphany?
  • Roni_M
    Roni_M Posts: 717 Member
    The finance talk went well, we did not discuss health or weight except that he is going to cancel his gym membership because he does not use it, and join a different gym that is closer and hopefully more what he wants in a gym.

    I told him I want him to move out, not because I don't want him there anymore, but because I know he'd love the independence it brings. He agreed that a goal without a plan is just a dream, and right now getting his own place is only a dream, and he is going to get a plan in place. The goal is his own place by 12/1.

    He is going to start logging every dime he spends, and we will review in a week and work out a 1) budget for spending money and 2) bill paying system for HIM to do and 3) a "pay myself first" attitude about saving money.

    Thanks again for all your supportive and eye opening answers. It was especially helpful to hear from adult children - I appreciate your candidness.

    That sounds like a great plan! I don't necessarily agree with all the people saying a 22 year old shouldn't be living home. If they are honestly working on getting themselves off to a great start in life I think it's a great thing. Now that you son has a plan, I'm sure you are breathing easier!

    My daughter is 22, lives home and is still "taken care of" by us financially (we don't give her money, but she lives here without having to pay for anything). And before anyone thinks I am enabling a problem... She just graduated university and is a brand new Registered Nurse. She plans to live home for 1 more year while saving $30,000 as a down payment on a house. She has no student loan debt and at 23 will have a career that pays well and a brand new house. She is moving forward and as her parents, we are helping her start her life in the best possible circumstances we can manage. We are very proud of the fact that we are able to do this for our kids. The moment they stop working on bettering themselves, I will require them to pay room and board while they figure out where they will be living when I show them to the door!

    Your situation is not the same as the OP's. Your daughter is working and going to school. Her son is not paying his bills, not going to school, and has no direction.

    Actually, my daughter is finished school and works full-time (same as OP's son). She does like to party (she's 22 so i figure that's normal). She doesn't have any bills to pay because we pay all the household bills (including her cell phone which is still on a family plan). The OP also didn't state if her son finished his education or not, or how long the "not paying his bills" has been an issue. There isn't enough info for me to jump to the conclusion that she should kick him out. And I definitely would not of jumped to the conclusion that he has no direction (OP didn't say that). If that were the case it would be different and that is why I stated if my kid was not working on bettering themselves I would show them the door.
  • Amy_Lynn74
    Amy_Lynn74 Posts: 134 Member
    From my experience if you try to push him you'll end up pushing him away and totally in the other direction. Last summer my sister tried to suggest that I try to lose weight instead of buying new clothes because mine were too small. It made me resent her and not want to deal with it even more. Someone has to want to change. For me it took going to the doctor's this January and seeing 249 on the scale. It also seems to me that if you are giving him crap about his eating it will make him do it even more. He has to want to change for himself. I know whan I was newly 21 I drank a lot more than I do now. I think most people do because they are finally "allowed" to do it without getting into trouble. I think you need to put yourself in his shoes and look at it from his perspective. He is an adult after all.
  • Prilla04
    Prilla04 Posts: 174 Member
    Don't ever tell someone something they already know. He's not stupid, he's just not ready to act. He has to reach that point on his own. Be supportive and positive and he will come to you for guidance when he is ready.
  • HausfrauB
    HausfrauB Posts: 104 Member
    Glad the talk with your son went well.

    He probably can't see this, but being self-reliant is so rewarding. Best of luck!
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
    So, I only read the first page of comments. I hope the OP is still tracking this :wink:

    My advice is this: When you talk with him about finances, the gym membership will come up. Remind him you'll pay it if he goes. Give him a chance to talk about how he knows he needs to lose weight - you may need to steer him in that direction (without him knowing it, if possible). Then say "I am here for you. What can I do to help you?" That way, it is his idea; you are just doing what he asked, BUT you are still supporting him and helping him. However, unless you are okay with him smoking, you can tell him that, if he wants to continue living in your home, he must work to stop smoking. It's bad for your health as well as his. There are a lot of resources you can help him with.

    Maybe show him MFP, if you haven't already. Go to the success stories and show him people who have lost 100+ pounds. He may feel like he can't, and seeing other people who have might help. Maybe he'll see something that he can connect to, that will help him motivate himself. Because, until he motivates himself there is nothing you can do to motivate him.

    And make sure that plenty of your "I love you"s are unconnected to his weight, appearance, etc. I know it seems like you are doing that, but I have caught myself (with my teenager) too often saying "You know I love you, now let's talk about this problem." I have had to make a conscious effort to tell her I love her, no strings attached. Sometimes young people are wanting the reassurance that we love them unconditionally. If this is that case, you'll just have to let the topic drop, love him no matter what, and pray that he will become more receptive in the future.
  • reallyally1
    reallyally1 Posts: 82
    As a 22 year old, all I can tell you is that he has to want to do it himself. The more you bring up the subject of weight, the worse it will be. My mom was on my case for YEARS, telling me that I would look so much better if I just lost 10 pounds. It really messed up my self-esteem and caused me to have a negative view of myself, which just made my eating problem worse. She would never let me buy junk food and was always critical every time I would eat something unhealthy, which caused me to sneak junk food and eventually lead to compulsive binge eating. Now that I look back on it, I know she was only doing it out of concern, but at the time it seemed like all she wanted to do was control me and it drove me crazy.

    So what made me decide to change? I was 20, 5'6", 235 lbs, and miserable... I was having chest pains, I couldn't sleep, and I just felt horrible all the time. I had always been sedentary; I don't think I had ever exercised consistently more than one week at a time. One day, I just decided that I was tired of feeling/looking like crap and I haven't looked back since. My mom has been a big help throughout my journey, what with buying me groceries, paying my gym membership, contributing to new clothes... I don't think I could have gotten this far without her. However, I don't mean to minimize her impact, but I really never would have had such a bad eating problem to begin with if it wasn't for her.

    What can you do? I would suggest telling your son that you're there for him if he needs you; that you'll help him if he wants help. But reassure him that you love him regardless of what size he is and by no means do you want him to change. That last part is important. Because I firmly believe that no one should change just because another person wants them to. I know it's hard to witness someone's negative habits and remain silent, but there is nothing to be gained by attempting to force him to change. Hopefully one day he will realize what he is doing and try to modify his lifestyle; all you can do is wait.

    And for the record, I love bike riding with my mom. :P
  • ValerieMartini2Olives
    ValerieMartini2Olives Posts: 3,024 Member
    Honestly, you can say whatever you want to him but it won't do a damn thing. He has to be ready on his own.

    My father and grandmother (my father's mother) always so kindly used to tell me how fat I was. I knew it but I told myself they were just being mean. Then one day I, ME, MYSELF, realized that wow, I really am fat and I, ME, MYSELF was ready to start losing weight.

    One of my proudest moments was before my grandma died, I went to visit her in the nursing home. Every single time I had visited her before, she told me I was fat. This time, she looked at me and said "Valerie! You lost weight! You look really good!" For the first time in my life, my grandma didn't tell me I was fat!

    And my dad... we were standing next to each other doing karaoke and I saw him staring at me. He said "Wowww"
  • dandaninc
    dandaninc Posts: 392
    Bluntness ahead:

    I'm that kid and all I can say is he doesn't want to hear it. My mom would always make comments about my weight and all it would do was piss me off. I know I'm over weight and its on my mind always, I don't need my mother to bring it up in my face too.

    He's a grown adult and will only change when he wants to. Your comments only bring resentment towards you.

    I agree with this as well. I'm 34 and 273 lbs. I wouldn't be loosing weight right now if it wasn't for me. I also wouldn't have quit smoking last november cold turkey if it wasn't for me. He needs to want to do this. He needs to find his own motivation. My motivation is the word "resolve" its what pushes me. (my beautiful wife and kids helps too) haha
    re·solve   /rɪˈzɒlv/ Show Spelled [ri-zolv] Show IPA verb, re·solved, re·solv·ing, noun
    verb (used with object)
    1. to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something): "I have resolved that I shall live to the full."

    I have resolved that I will change my life entirely and no longer wish my life was different.
  • MinaAriel
    MinaAriel Posts: 138 Member
    I would go the tough love approach.

    He is living in your home. He is using his money to buy junk food and alcohol instead of paying his bills. He needs to get on a budget and stick to it. While doing the budget, show him how much money he spends on going out to eat or drink. You don't even have to mention weight, money is most definitely an indicator. If his budget only allows for one take out a week then his diet will improve. If you show him his outgoing bills, gym membership being one of them, remind him of the offer to pay it if he attends. If not, have him cancel it. If he doesn't want to cancel it, maybe he'll realize he is not ready to give up on himself. Plus, with all the free time he will have because he can't afford to go out, he might as well go to the gym.

    You can't expect him to lose weight for you. But you can expect him to live his life right while he is in your home. It means he saves money by eating mom's cooking, doesn't go out to drink, and takes advantage of any perks he can (free gym). Good luck hon.

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