watching my families suicide
Hezzietiger1
Posts: 1,256 Member
So I never really realized how bad of shape my parents are in until this weekend. I guess it's because I wasn't paying attention to my own health and now I am. My mom and my dad both are easily 150 plus lbs overweight. My mom is a diabetic and she's not following the diet she should be following at all. My dad drinks 18 beers plus a night 4-5 nights a week. This weekend I have been visiting home. Saturday morning we went out to Ryan's buffet for breakfast. My dad brought back one plate filled entirely with hashbrowns and covered with 4 fried eggs. He had a second plate with 4 biscuits covered in gravy, 10 pieces of bacon and a huge slice of ham. He smothered all of it with ketchup and tobasco and ate every last bite. Later that day we went to Ocharleys for dinner and he had a spinach and artichoke dip appetizer to himself, a 9 oz steak, 1/2 slap of ribs, a loaded baked potato and a salad covered in ranch. Like I said, that night he took down about 20 beers. My mother's eating habits are no better. Neither one of them get any kind of exercise. They can't. They are unable to walk from one room to another without being completely out of breath. Getting up and down is incredibly painful.
I feel like I am watching their suicides. I tried talking to my dad the other night. We were sitting outside. He was smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. I was rough housing with the dog. He said, "I don't have much quantity of life left, I'm sure going to have quality". He said I could eat better, lose some weight, and get in better shape but my lungs are full of silica and I've already lost coworkers. I have about 10 years left its a lost cause. He doesn't want to change. They don't want to change. I don't want to lose my parents.
What do I do?
Hezz
I feel like I am watching their suicides. I tried talking to my dad the other night. We were sitting outside. He was smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. I was rough housing with the dog. He said, "I don't have much quantity of life left, I'm sure going to have quality". He said I could eat better, lose some weight, and get in better shape but my lungs are full of silica and I've already lost coworkers. I have about 10 years left its a lost cause. He doesn't want to change. They don't want to change. I don't want to lose my parents.
What do I do?
Hezz
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Replies
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It's hard, but the only person you can be responsible for is yourself (and your children if/when you have them). You can try and share the knowledge you're gaining, invite them for walks, but fundamentally, they are grown adults and responsible for themselves.0
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That's a truly terrible situation. Have you flat out told them that you aren't ready to be planning their funerals? How blunt have you been? I've found that feelings might get hurt at first, but it's better than death in the long run.0
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Love them. That's all you can do, darling. They're old enough to be set in their ways- they are not going to change, no matter how much you want them to. All you can do is accept that and love them with all that you can for as long as you can.0
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Sad reality... But that's just it. They are aware of it, not willing to change, there's probably nothing you can do about it really. Enjoy the times you spend with them, and... hope for a heart attack, much quicker than years of fighting crappy diabetes consequences, or cigarette related diseases... I've seen it happen, not nice. Sounds heartless, but I found that saying to my mother that the best thing she can hope for at this point is to die of a heart attack can change some perspectives.
You can try leading by example, but if they truly don't want to change, you might only be torturing yourself. Make sure whatever happens that even if you fail at motivating them, that you don't lose your own motivation. You are making the right choice, make sure you see it through your goal
Good luck!0 -
I have a similar problem with my parents, especially my mother, she has quite a few health issues, both mentally and physically. Earlier this year she was in the hospital because her electrolytes and nutrients were so low from the horrid eating habits her, my step dad and much younger brother have. All she drinks is pepsi and powerade (she claims the second to be super healthy) and eats a couple bananas a day, other than that its chips, chocolate and other random processed boxed food that can sit near her bed so she doesn't have to go to the kitchen. She doesn't really have a problem with alcohol, but health wise the pepsi is doing no better for her. I know exactly how you feel, I literally saw my mother hooked up to machines with doctors buzzing around due to all this.
The truth is there is nothing you can do. I begged I pleaded and I cried by her side, urging her to change, even if it was a gradual change. She made a bunch of big promises. Now the only change is its summer and iced cream is added on the list of bad things, she claims its for her calcium...
No one will change if they don't want to, its horrible to think about but in the end I had to distance myself because it hurt too much.0 -
wow so sorry this is happening to you.
i dont know what you can say to them, but what if you wrote in a a letter to them saying something to the effect of what you are saying here?
i dont know many parents who wouldnt be affected by their child asking how to help save them.
good luck0 -
I know exactly how you feel! My dad is like your mom. He's diabetic but eats whatever he wants, doesn't pay attention to sugar and doesn't exercise. He has already had open heart surgery too but refuses to eat healthy and exercise. It breaks my heart.0
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So I never really realized how bad of shape my parents are in until this weekend. I guess it's because I wasn't paying attention to my own health and now I am. My mom and my dad both are easily 150 plus lbs overweight. My mom is a diabetic and she's not following the diet she should be following at all. My dad drinks 18 beers plus a night 4-5 nights a week. This weekend I have been visiting home. Saturday morning we went out to Ryan's buffet for breakfast. My dad brought back one plate filled entirely with hashbrowns and covered with 4 fried eggs. He had a second plate with 4 biscuits covered in gravy, 10 pieces of bacon and a huge slice of ham. He smothered all of it with ketchup and tobasco and ate every last bite. Later that day we went to Ocharleys for dinner and he had a spinach and artichoke dip appetizer to himself, a 9 oz steak, 1/2 slap of ribs, a loaded baked potato and a salad covered in ranch. Like I said, that night he took down about 20 beers. My mother's eating habits are no better. Neither one of them get any kind of exercise. They can't. They are unable to walk from one room to another without being completely out of breath. Getting up and down is incredibly painful.
I feel like I am watching their suicides. I tried talking to my dad the other night. We were sitting outside. He was smoking a cigar and drinking a beer. I was rough housing with the dog. He said, "I don't have much quantity of life left, I'm sure going to have quality". He said I could eat better, lose some weight, and get in better shape but my lungs are full of silica and I've already lost coworkers. I have about 10 years left its a lost cause. He doesn't want to change. They don't want to change. I don't want to lose my parents.
What do I do?
Hezz
I wish I can provide words of comfort but the words I can provide to you may not change your situation the way I would like. Some people at some point have made up their mind of how they need to live their lives. I lost my father but not to illness since he was actually a really healthy guy who participated in sports, and I feel the pain of losing a love one. Best you can do is encourage them as much as possible, and make them not take their life for granted. Why don't you cook healthy meals for them and show them that they can have good tasting foods while getting healthier? Why don't you ask them to accompany you for a walk and get them a bit more active? Telling at times is not enough but actions usually work out well.0 -
the only thing you can really do is lead by example. mentioning it to them will not do anything, until they want to make the change for themselves. my dad saw what my wife and I did over the last year and started dieting and losing weight in December, he is now down 90 lbs or so. I am very proud of him. My mom quit smoking in December and haven't had a cigarette since. She still has to work on her diabetes but she will have to make that decision for herself.0
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It doesn't seem like a "quality" life, as he says, being out of breath simply walking from one room to the next
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I have noticed people around me too that are committing suicide slowly. These people are very resistant to change. I was one of those people. I don't know if there is anything you can do. I say this out of concern, but they might have a huge health shock that turns their thoughts around. Hopefully it will be reversible or treatable before their weight becomes fatal.
My dad's a huge drinker, and I doubt I can do anything to change that. I've tried, but he's very resistance. Same with his diet. I stopped trying because it strained our relationship terribly.0 -
All you can do is love them and then set the best example you can of a person with healthy eating habits.. I have learned from experience that no one can motivate me but myself. I feel so bad for you, it must be truly painful to watch.
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It sounds like your dad has already made up his mind. There is nothing you can really do about their attitude and lifestyle. You can give advice and be a good example but that's about as far as you can go. Being an example of what one can achieve is probably the greatest thing you can do. You're parents have a set lifestyle, routine, and attitude towards their health and eating habits- often times people have to have something MAJOR happen to start thinking about changing it.
Example: My family is not the healthiest bunch in the world. My dad was overweight and has COPD. He couldn't hardly walk to the mailbox and back without a problem breathing, and was actually prescribed an oxygen tank (which he didn't use). He had it in his mind that he was going to die in about 3 years. It took his grandson being born to light a fire under him to change his attitude and in all aspects his life. He lost over 60 lbs and has been able to not only walk to the mail box but walk on the treadmill for over half an hour plus exercise with weight training. Both my sister and mother have started taking their health into consideration after seeing how my dad has succeeded.
It's never too late or too early to make good decisions. You could remind your family of that, ask them what kind of quality they are living now with not being able to hardly move, and maybe explain your fears of losing them before their time. Good luck with everything you go through. I hope that your family will see that healthy living isn't hard and it's well worth it.0 -
Everyone loses their parents. All you can do is try and motivate them and if they dont want to change then spend as much time with them as you can now while they are here. Your dad is an alcoholic btw, have you tried to get him to AA?0
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I wish I had some wise words to share. All I can offer is many hopes and well wishes that they find the strength to follow your good influence.
I know most of us on here have family members, friends, even co-workers that we wish we could reach out to just the right way to motivate them to change. But the truth is, we all find our own motivations in our own time.
What really hit home for my mom was when I told her how important my grandmother was to me growing up. She's not a vision of perfect health or anything, but it got her eating better and moving thinking that my potential future children need her just as much as the women in our family have always needed their grams. I have still yet to make her any of those mythical grandkids, and probably won't, but it made her put down the Kool Kings and ranch dressing long enough to experience real untainted broccoli.
Much love and hugs to you and yours. I hope you find a way to help them.0 -
I relate too well to this. I've been begging and pleading with my mom to get her to go to Curves with me. She is over 240 pounds and like 5'5' diabetic, has sleep apnea and is on medication for high blood pressure and cholesterol. I honeslty worry some mornings that she won't wake up. But she keeps making excuses about money and no time. It brings me to tears because I'm so frustrated. Yeah I know what it's like to have no money but I still find it to go to the gym. I know what it's like to have no time but you have to make time. I don't know what I can do. I love her and want her with me for years to come but I feel like she thinks because she's 54 there's no point or something.0
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Sadly there is not much you can do. Until HE / THEY have the right mindset, there is not much anyone else can do. I have fought weight basically all my life, went years with undiagnosed thyroid condition. I yo yoed for YEARS, even denying that I was THAT much overweight. (at 325) THIS time my mindset is completely different from ANY other time before and I'm really seeing success. THis time I do not allow myself any excuses and answer ONLY to myself. My mom likes to take over for me and tell me all I am doing wrong when she knows I'm losing, and before that has put me off and actually caused me to stop. THIS time, I let her have her say, tell myself I MUST know what i'm doing, and go on about my business lol. BUT I digress. Thing is, UNTIL they make that decision and have the mindset, it's not going to happen.0
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the only thing you can really do is lead by example. mentioning it to them will not do anything, until they want to make the change for themselves. my dad saw what my wife and I did over the last year and started dieting and losing weight in December, he is now down 90 lbs or so. I am very proud of him. My mom quit smoking in December and haven't had a cigarette since. She still has to work on her diabetes but she will have to make that decision for herself.
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^^^That exactly!0 -
I'm so sorry for you and your family. It's like they have just given up. I do not have any words of wisdom but I just wanted you to know I will be praying for you and your family. No matter what...don't give up on yourself, continue to love them and pray for them.
I'm proud of you!!
Colette0 -
That's a very tough situation. I feel sad just reading your post.
How long has your dad known about his lungs and the prognosis? If he only recently found out, then he may be feeling shock and denial. The same thing might apply to your mom and her diabetes.
It sounds like your parents have been thinking a lot about death and dying, judging by what your dad said. You can't control what they do with their bodies, but you can offer emotional support and a sympathetic ear. The best advice I can give you is to seek out social support, both for your parents and for yourself. This is a difficult road to walk, and you need to look after your own health as well.
:flowerforyou: I can only offer my sympathy. I'm sure many MFP users are in the same boat.0 -
It sucks.
Do you just let them live out their choice or do you try to turn them around?
Unfortunately I've never heard of anyone turning their life around through the efforts of someone else. It's always because they want to change.
Usually it's a non-fatal heart attack that makes them choose to get on the wagon. The pain it causes is enough of a jolt to the mind.
If I were you I'd prepare myself for the inevitable and try to spend as much time with them as possible. My father died of a heart attack. He'd had a mild heart attack years earlier but the fatal one still came suddenly and unexpectedly. Sometimes I wish it'd been a terminal illness where we knew he was dying just so we could say goodbye and say the things that were never said.
I hate it that I'm basically saying their path is set. You may be able to turn them around. It's within the realm of possibility. I don't know your parents and maybe they might try to better their health if their daughter wants them to.0 -
I don't have any great words of wisdom on this either. I relate because at 35 years old I've already buried both of my parents. I feel trapped on the fence because I see both sides. I wanted my parents to be happy and indulge in life and enjoy every second that they had while here. At the same time neither of them took care of themselves with horrible eating choices which caused colon cancer in one and coilitis in the other . Both parents had the ileostomy bags (my mother never lived long enough to come home out of the hospital with hers, but my father had his for a couple of years before he passed.) That sure isn't the future I want for myself and I wish that they were here to see my daughter grow up. You can't change anyone but yourself but I do understand how you feel.0
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This. I mean, let them know how much their decision hurts you, but accept that it is their decision to make. Let them know that if they ever decide to change, you'll be there to support them 100%, but otherwise, love them and make the best of whatever time you have left with them. None of us knows how much time we will have with the people we love; the best we can do is to appreciate them rather than trying to change them.Love them. That's all you can do, darling. They're old enough to be set in their ways- they are not going to change, no matter how much you want them to. All you can do is accept that and love them with all that you can for as long as you can.0 -
What a tough situation. As a grandparent, I have just one thing to add to what the others have said--I want to be around to see my grand kids grow up--maybe you can use that for motivation if they have any or might in the future.0
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You can't do anything except love them. If someone has the want to change, they will. If they don't have the want or will to change, they're not going to no matter how much you try.0
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This is my little brother. I feel you.
And my sister drank herself to death. She died of cirrhosis at 52.
The hardest part is realizing you can't change other people. But you can change yourself!
(hugs)0 -
Had a neighbor with DM, heart failure, and COPD. He always said that "our days are numbered and only God knows how many we have left. I can live healthy for a while and eat salad or live like I want eating burgers and fries-I hate salad!" Point is he lived his life how he wanted and enjoyed what days he had left. Just love them and be there for them honey. Sounds like food is not the only problem tho...0
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That's so very, very hard. I'm proud of you for not following their path though.
If you have that conversation with them again (or at least your dad) maybe you could ask him to plan his funeral now and break down in tears in front of him. I know it sounds cold and callous and a little manipulative to boot (I'm wearing flameproof underpants for this one), but sometimes it's conversations like that which motivate people.0 -
So sad to think about all this. Love them for the parents that they are and have been to you, you won't change what they don't want to change. Set a healthy example and maybe they will start thinking somewhere down the road that maybe they need to get healthy too. Just love them for who they are!...HUG!!!0
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Accept where they are, and love them unconditionally. Express your feelings and fears. I usually start with, "I love you, and I want to have an authentic, intimate relationship with you. In order for me to do that, I have to be honest with you. I'm afraid ...... (I'm going to lose you.....)
Hang in there. Telling your mom and dad how you feel will help you, whether they do anything differently than they are or not. :-)0
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