Body shame
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Honestly, you should probably make this happen sooner rather than later. I totally get the constant rejection. It doesn't even have to be blatant like it is with you. I'm sure the idea of separating when there is a child involved is unpleasant, but do you really think that the child or any of the children will benefit from growing up in a home where animosity & rejection is the best example they have for life, between the two adults that are shaping their values?Moving away would be very easy, I'd go back home which is 2 hours away from him.
I see people talk about sticking together for the sake of the kids all the time in their relationships. All they are doing is *kitten* the kids up emotionally by doing that. If they aren't extremely strong & independent kids, it will warp their perceptions from years. It will also perpetuate a concept that existing in a *kitten*, miserable relationship for life is just normal.1 -
FireTurtle75 wrote: »
Honestly, you should probably make this happen sooner rather than later. I totally get the constant rejection. It doesn't even have to be blatant like it is with you. I'm sure the idea of separating when there is a child involved is unpleasant, but do you really think that the child or any of the children will benefit from growing up in a home where animosity & rejection is the best example they have for life, between the two adults that are shaping their values?Moving away would be very easy, I'd go back home which is 2 hours away from him.
I see people talk about sticking together for the sake of the kids all the time in their relationships. All they are doing is *kitten* the kids up emotionally by doing that. If they aren't extremely strong & independent kids, it will warp their perceptions from years. It will also perpetuate a concept that existing in a *kitten*, miserable relationship for life is just normal.
I know all this, I have been there before, I had it with my ex husband, I stayed for the children but when I did leave they was older but that made things worse. My 3rd child, at the time 15, blamed me for leaving, he was totally brain washed, things are still tender between us now and it breaks my heart.
He really is not the best role model, I'd say alcoholic he'd say occasional drinker. I am not the best results modle like you said for staying and allowing him to grow up in a home that's is a disaster.
I know it sounds an excuse but I literally have no where to go, parents would have us but mum is disabled and dad is 72 and I doubt he would want a toddler running around.0 -
I like to think that my wife is attracted to me. However, if she doesn't and feels like my physical looks are more important than how I treat her and care for her, I would not try to prevent her from moving on.2
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TheRoadDog wrote: »I like to think that my wife is attracted to me. However, if she doesn't and feels like my physical looks are more important than how I treat her and care for her, I would not try to prevent her from moving on.
See that's it, I treat him with respect, I do practically everything for him and I do believe he hasn't been treated like this before by anyone, not even his mother, so like I said before he sees me as the mother figure he's never had in his life and he doesn't see me as a partner, expecially not one he should respect and love in the way he should.
I have said on many occasions to move on and find someone who he does want but he says I am golden and he couldn't manage without me.
I have 4 children I don't need an adult sized one, I want a man, a partner, a lover, someone who puts their heart first and loves me for who I am, inside and out and not on the look out for woman that are 20 years younger than me.2 -
your beautiful the way u are if your other have cant see that he is crazy ur very attractive1
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I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.0 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
According to what she said, she gained 9lbs from having a baby and had 3 babies prior to that! Pretty sure that he saw her post baby body first and that 9lbs is NOTHING for a post baby body!2 -
It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
I haven't let myself go at all, I am in the same size clothes I was when I met him, I eat healthy and get out whenever I can to walk with our son but on the other hand he has, he is always being commented on about how big his belly has gotten. The difference between me and him is I never have or ever will comment, judge or make him feel bad in anyway shape or form to make him feel anything but accepted and loved.
Why do people assume it is only women who "let themselves go" while in a relationship expecially when she's had a baby/ babies.1 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
According to what she said, she gained 9lbs from having a baby and had 3 babies prior to that! Pretty sure that he saw her post baby body first and that 9lbs is NOTHING for a post baby body!
Thank you!!
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Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
I haven't let myself go at all, I am in the same size clothes I was when I met him, I eat healthy and get out whenever I can to walk with our son but on the other hand he has, he is always being commented on about how big his belly has gotten. The difference between me and him is I never have or ever will comment, judge or make him feel bad in anyway shape or form to make him feel anything but accepted and loved.
Why do people assume it is only women who "let themselves go" while in a relationship expecially when she's had a baby/ babies.
Please reread this portion of what I wrote:
If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met.
(I honestly didn't read all 5 pages of this thread (some of these threads go hundreds of pages deep) and just posted my general theory on relationship expectations), so I didn't read additional comments that you had made beyond the original post)
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It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!
It is fine, I totally agree. That is why I said if I am not what he wants to find someone who is, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who doesn't want me only as domestic help. Funnily enough I said to him earlier I am going to stop doing everything see how he likes to live in the mess HE makes.
Not appreciated one bit.
We went somewhere one day before I had the baby and there was a lady (I use the word lady loosely) she was so loud swearing like a trooper, the conversation she was having was hideous, he turned to me and said now that's a real woman, I mean really?? Is that what men find attractive? I'd rather be me and how I am than like that any day.1 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
I haven't let myself go at all, I am in the same size clothes I was when I met him, I eat healthy and get out whenever I can to walk with our son but on the other hand he has, he is always being commented on about how big his belly has gotten. The difference between me and him is I never have or ever will comment, judge or make him feel bad in anyway shape or form to make him feel anything but accepted and loved.
Why do people assume it is only women who "let themselves go" while in a relationship expecially when she's had a baby/ babies.
Please reread this portion of what I wrote:
If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met.
(I honestly didn't read all 5 pages of this thread (some of these threads go hundreds of pages deep) and just posted my general theory on relationship expectations), so I didn't read additional comments that you had made beyond the original post)
Ummmm ok, forgiven I suppose.
I don't blame you for not reading some woman drone on and on.0 -
It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!
It is fine, I totally agree. That is why I said if I am not what he wants to find someone who is, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who doesn't want me only as domestic help. Funnily enough I said to him earlier I am going to stop doing everything see how he likes to live in the mess HE makes.
Not appreciated one bit.
We went somewhere one day before I had the baby and there was a lady (I use the word lady loosely) she was so loud swearing like a trooper, the conversation she was having was hideous, he turned to me and said now that's a real woman, I mean really?? Is that what men find attractive? I'd rather be me and how I am than like that any day.
I've tried to follow the discussion, but I can't remember seeing that you've ever raised the subject/had this conversation with him.
How you choose to see yourself and feel about yourself, and perceive that he sees you and feels about you, doesn't necessarily reflect how you actually are or how he actually sees you and feels about you.1 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
I haven't let myself go at all, I am in the same size clothes I was when I met him, I eat healthy and get out whenever I can to walk with our son but on the other hand he has, he is always being commented on about how big his belly has gotten. The difference between me and him is I never have or ever will comment, judge or make him feel bad in anyway shape or form to make him feel anything but accepted and loved.
Why do people assume it is only women who "let themselves go" while in a relationship expecially when she's had a baby/ babies.
Please reread this portion of what I wrote:
If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met.
(I honestly didn't read all 5 pages of this thread (some of these threads go hundreds of pages deep) and just posted my general theory on relationship expectations), so I didn't read additional comments that you had made beyond the original post)
Ummmm ok, forgiven I suppose.
I don't blame you for not reading some woman drone on and on.
Great, one less thing to feel guilty about today
If you are the same size that you were when you met him, he has absolutely no standing to criticize you. The fact that he changed his standards of attractiveness is not your problem, it is arbitrary and illogical to reject you for being the same person that he met.
You, on the other hand, could justifiably be critical of the pot belly that he obtained during the course of your relationship (but have not, to your credit)
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stanmann571 wrote: »It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!
It is fine, I totally agree. That is why I said if I am not what he wants to find someone who is, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who doesn't want me only as domestic help. Funnily enough I said to him earlier I am going to stop doing everything see how he likes to live in the mess HE makes.
Not appreciated one bit.
We went somewhere one day before I had the baby and there was a lady (I use the word lady loosely) she was so loud swearing like a trooper, the conversation she was having was hideous, he turned to me and said now that's a real woman, I mean really?? Is that what men find attractive? I'd rather be me and how I am than like that any day.
I've tried to follow the discussion, but I can't remember seeing that you've ever raised the subject/had this conversation with him.
How you choose to see yourself and feel about yourself, and perceive that he sees you and feels about you, doesn't necessarily reflect how you actually are or how he actually sees you and feels about you.
I am not sure which conversation you are referring too, I have mentioned a few times during this thread is have said to him to move on and find someone he is more compatible with or who he really wants to be with.
I agree with that, no one knows for sure how anyone really sees or feels about them but when someone does and says things so blatantly it's hard not to feel this way. Without going through it all again he hasn't (in my eyes) been a very good partner, I wouldn't dream of saying or doing anything like he has to someone I am supposed to love.1 -
stanmann571 wrote: »It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!
It is fine, I totally agree. That is why I said if I am not what he wants to find someone who is, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who doesn't want me only as domestic help. Funnily enough I said to him earlier I am going to stop doing everything see how he likes to live in the mess HE makes.
Not appreciated one bit.
We went somewhere one day before I had the baby and there was a lady (I use the word lady loosely) she was so loud swearing like a trooper, the conversation she was having was hideous, he turned to me and said now that's a real woman, I mean really?? Is that what men find attractive? I'd rather be me and how I am than like that any day.
I've tried to follow the discussion, but I can't remember seeing that you've ever raised the subject/had this conversation with him.
How you choose to see yourself and feel about yourself, and perceive that he sees you and feels about you, doesn't necessarily reflect how you actually are or how he actually sees you and feels about you.
I am not sure which conversation you are referring too, I have mentioned a few times during this thread is have said to him to move on and find someone he is more compatible with or who he really wants to be with.
I agree with that, no one knows for sure how anyone really sees or feels about them but when someone does and says things so blatantly it's hard not to feel this way. Without going through it all again he hasn't (in my eyes) been a very good partner, I wouldn't dream of saying or doing anything like he has to someone I am supposed to love.
The conversation you're having here. in public with strangers. These are things that you need to tell him. specifically and in detail. Not hints, not suggestions, not innuendo.
You've gone on for 5 pages of woe is me pity party about how awful he is(except he's not that awful... he's neither abusive nor neglectful), but you've given no indication that you've communicated your needs or desires to him.2 -
Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »Bry_Lander wrote: »I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
To me, the key question with these "body acceptance" issues is: what are the realistic expectations? Expectations are based upon what condition your body was in when you committed to be together. If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met. If you just let yourself go because you got comfortable, then your partner has a legitimate complaint - it is disrespectful to use the security of a relationship as an opportunity to stop taking care of yourself.
I haven't let myself go at all, I am in the same size clothes I was when I met him, I eat healthy and get out whenever I can to walk with our son but on the other hand he has, he is always being commented on about how big his belly has gotten. The difference between me and him is I never have or ever will comment, judge or make him feel bad in anyway shape or form to make him feel anything but accepted and loved.
Why do people assume it is only women who "let themselves go" while in a relationship expecially when she's had a baby/ babies.
Please reread this portion of what I wrote:
If significant life events have altered your body (having a baby, medical issues, etc.), then it is unreasonable to expect you to be in the same shape as when you met.
(I honestly didn't read all 5 pages of this thread (some of these threads go hundreds of pages deep) and just posted my general theory on relationship expectations), so I didn't read additional comments that you had made beyond the original post)
Ummmm ok, forgiven I suppose.
I don't blame you for not reading some woman drone on and on.
Great, one less thing to feel guilty about today
If you are the same size that you were when you met him, he has absolutely no standing to criticize you. The fact that he changed his standards of attractiveness is not your problem, it is arbitrary and illogical to reject you for being the same person that he met.
You, on the other hand, could justifiably be critical of the pot belly that he obtained during the course of your relationship (but have not, to your credit)
He absolutely loves his belly he gets it whenever he can giving it a big old hug and rub calling it his beer baby. Oh I would never say a thing, not just to him but anyone, obviously if it becomes a problem and health is suffering I would encourage any way I could.0 -
stanmann571 wrote: »stanmann571 wrote: »It's okay for someone to admit that they find their partner less attractive because of weight loss, or hair loss, or weight gain. People have 'types' that they are attracted to and it's fine!
That being said, that partner does not have the right to make you feel *kitten* about it! And hopefully they can look past the physical because, eventually, it will change.
9lbs after having a baby is nothing! Your partner needs to seriously change his attitude. Maybe you should stop doing everything for him- you're not his mom! He says you're "golden" well sure, he gets a maid he gets to have sex with. You may have to go to marriage counseling, but clearly the dynamic now is not working for you.
Good luck!
It is fine, I totally agree. That is why I said if I am not what he wants to find someone who is, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who doesn't want me only as domestic help. Funnily enough I said to him earlier I am going to stop doing everything see how he likes to live in the mess HE makes.
Not appreciated one bit.
We went somewhere one day before I had the baby and there was a lady (I use the word lady loosely) she was so loud swearing like a trooper, the conversation she was having was hideous, he turned to me and said now that's a real woman, I mean really?? Is that what men find attractive? I'd rather be me and how I am than like that any day.
I've tried to follow the discussion, but I can't remember seeing that you've ever raised the subject/had this conversation with him.
How you choose to see yourself and feel about yourself, and perceive that he sees you and feels about you, doesn't necessarily reflect how you actually are or how he actually sees you and feels about you.
I am not sure which conversation you are referring too, I have mentioned a few times during this thread is have said to him to move on and find someone he is more compatible with or who he really wants to be with.
I agree with that, no one knows for sure how anyone really sees or feels about them but when someone does and says things so blatantly it's hard not to feel this way. Without going through it all again he hasn't (in my eyes) been a very good partner, I wouldn't dream of saying or doing anything like he has to someone I am supposed to love.
The conversation you're having here. in public with strangers. These are things that you need to tell him. specifically and in detail. Not hints, not suggestions, not innuendo.
You've gone on for 5 pages of woe is me pity party about how awful he is(except he's not that awful... he's neither abusive nor neglectful), but you've given no indication that you've communicated your needs or desires to him.
I have had these conversations with him, over and over and he just sweeps everything under the carpet.
I have replied to people who have responded. I asked a question and it went from there.
He's not abusive?? No he's not physically abusive but what about mentally? Telling me he loves his ex, having photos of exs and none of me and his son, saying he's going to cheat on me to say a few, it's mind games and it's cruel. Neglectful, knowing I have no family and friends here only our son, leaves me to go out with his mates, getting drink all the time me having to take our son to a+e 3 times on my own because he has gotten that drunk i will not allow him to come. When I was in labour he go drunk in the hospital slapping my belly when I was having full blown contractions and leaving me to come home because HE was tired and a lady was outside the hospital he got talking to and she made him come back in to me.
So forgive me if I have had a pity party but if you didn't want to come to this party you didn't have to.
I asked here, strangers because sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers and get advice because they might of had a similar situation.1
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