Body shame
Replies
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I always hate being this person, but truthfully, if I were in your position, I'd leave him.
It sounds like you have low self esteem, but he isn't helping matters by gawking at other women.
I'm not saying that men/women don't look at other people, but to do it to the point that your partner notices...to actually stop chewing your food because some woman comes on that's attractive...I find that to be too much.
It really is, I have got to the point I will not go anywhere where him. I can't and won't set myself up to feel so upset knowing he is going to do it. He drives the car with our child in and he will literally take his eyes off the road so he can stare at a woman turning his head right round like he is an owl or something. It really is so disrespectful and I feel so sad when he does it.
I just feel like this is over the top. I mentioned earlier that I might not be the best judge because this is not something that my SO does. But I would be interested to here if I'm alone in thinking that this is excessive. Its one thing to look, but that is crazy.1 -
I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand your issues. I left my husband nearly 2 years ago because of the similar reasons. I never got any compliments, he'd see an attractive girl and if I said anything I'd get "I wish I could get a girl like that!" etc... Sex was only ever after lights out and that's given me a complex about my body that I'm struggling with. I do have a bf now and he's amazing but he's paying for my ex's mistakes. I need reassurance all the time about everything! Urgh... Anyway, just wanted to let you know that it can be better... It takes time to work on yourself but it's worth it
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Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.1
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MeeseeksAndDestroy wrote: »laurenebargar wrote: »I always hate being this person, but truthfully, if I were in your position, I'd leave him.
It sounds like you have low self esteem, but he isn't helping matters by gawking at other women.
I'm not saying that men/women don't look at other people, but to do it to the point that your partner notices...to actually stop chewing your food because some woman comes on that's attractive...I find that to be too much.
It really is, I have got to the point I will not go anywhere where him. I can't and won't set myself up to feel so upset knowing he is going to do it. He drives the car with our child in and he will literally take his eyes off the road so he can stare at a woman turning his head right round like he is an owl or something. It really is so disrespectful and I feel so sad when he does it.
I just feel like this is over the top. I mentioned earlier that I might not be the best judge because this is not something that my SO does. But I would be interested to here if I'm alone in thinking that this is excessive. Its one thing to look, but that is crazy.
Hard to tell if it's excessive or exaggerated.
True, she could be more aware of it now and picking up on it more. Still to notice in the first place seems excessive (to me at least)0 -
Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
I replied back to that comment as well, When your more aware of something you see it more often. When you buy a new car you now see that car often, etc. I dont think anyone was saying you were lying.0 -
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Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
Try not to take offense. I don't believe any offense was meant. Only that when something bothers a person it is more likely to seem worse than it is to that person.
Personally, I don't think that's what it is or even if that is what it is and it's only half as bad as it seems to you that's still too much by far.
Again, I'm not saying that people don't look at other people, but to do it to the point your partner notices...to do it when you're out with your partner...I wouldn't be okay with that and I think that's excessive.0 -
This is a video of a very insightful man discussing the fact that, often, men look at other women. This may help put things in perspective for you.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=dlZsGpWJmos
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I think, if he loves you, the attraction is bound to wax and wane - that's life. We get older, we change, and physical attraction doesn't always change right along with it.
BUT - that's really not just about your physical appearance. Attitude plays a big part in attractiveness. The most physically beautiful woman in the world won't get her husband husband hot and bothered if she's insecure or doesn't reciprocate, and especially if she doesn't believe him when he DOES say it. Don't expect him to just stare at you all the time - get his attention. Grab him in the shower, send him sexy texts during the day, walk around in a lacy thong before bed. I don't know - do what works for YOU guys and what makes YOU feel sexy. But my point is - if you're passively waiting for him to be wowed by your appearance and feeling ashamed when you don't get it, you'll get stuck in an ugly cycle. You have to take a role in breaking that cycle.5 -
CoffeeAndContour wrote: »Is this you in the profile pic? Is this story about you?
This is me
Damn girl, you are hot.1 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »Poor guy.
Yes poor guy. He's got such a bad life, meals made for him, giving him support in everything he does, keep his home clean, moved from all my family and friends to be with him and because maybe I feel a bit insecure and sometimes in life everyone needs reassurance he's a poor guy.
A little sarcasm, I see. It appears obvious to me that you are dissatisfied with this marriage. I do not know his side of this story, but you describe him as an unappreciative gluteus maximus. It's a free country. You're a free woman. Do what you want to do.
edit to add: I read more and see it is not a marriage. You are therefore obviously dissatisfied with this relationship.1 -
JeepHair77 wrote: »I think, if he loves you, the attraction is bound to wax and wane - that's life. We get older, we change, and physical attraction doesn't always change right along with it.
BUT - that's really not just about your physical appearance. Attitude plays a big part in attractiveness. The most physically beautiful woman in the world won't get her husband husband hot and bothered if she's insecure or doesn't reciprocate, and especially if she doesn't believe him when he DOES say it. Don't expect him to just stare at you all the time - get his attention. Grab him in the shower, send him sexy texts during the day, walk around in a lacy thong before bed. I don't know - do what works for YOU guys and what makes YOU feel sexy. But my point is - if you're passively waiting for him to be wowed by your appearance and feeling ashamed when you don't get it, you'll get stuck in an ugly cycle. You have to take a role in breaking that cycle.
So, so, true. Attitude is huge! You are very eloquent. Man, this should be set in stone somewhere.1 -
I was married for 16 years to a man who always put me down, he was a feeder so I was very large. He was mentally abusive, "who would want you, look at you you are ugly and fat" that's what I can remember. These things stick with you. So it might seem vain but once in a while to be told you are wanted not just because you give all the time and never take anything, just because you are adored in every single way.
Anyway (shaking my head giving it a well deserved wobble) healthy body and mind in the future.
TBH it sounds like your current relationship is paying the price for the things that happened in your previous relationship. You were put down so many times by your ex, that now if you don't get constant positive reinforcement you feel bad about yourself.
I think you need to re-evaluate what you want and need from your relationship, if your partner can't give you that, then end things and find someone who can. Sounds blunt, but these things happen and life is too short to be unhappy
From another perspective, you need to take some of the blame - your ex was a feeder, but unless he was force feeding you, then you can't blame him solely for past weight gain. Also your current partner, is he completely to blame? I'm all for giving compliments, but you shouldn't let his words and/or actions, or lack thereof, dictate how happy you are. If he doesn't make you happy, move on.
You're a pretty girl, but you do sound a little needy in terms of needing constant reassurance about how pretty you are
I hope you and your partner find a happy medium and things work out for you both.4 -
I don't know if it's just me but when I am in love and am with someone who is in love with me, it doesn't matter if one of us gains weight or gets super fit... We are so attracted to each other emotionally that we find each other sexy as hell no matter what.2
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You are lovely lady...YOU need to believe it though or it won't matter who you are with hun. Confidence is sexy to men. I've been there believe me. I'm 42 & I feel so much more self worth & confidence than I ever did at 22. The thing you are missing isn't going to come from him because likely with the behavior you won't believe him even if he starts showing you. I would try to work on how you feel about your self the person you are inside & make changes to the outside if you feel it's necessary that's what you have control over. Be proud of who you are taking care of 4 kids & a husband is a huge accomplishment and you look great you should feel good about yourself for that alone! Best of luck to you & your little family..❤2
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Tbh I wish my husband would be just a bit negative about my body once in a while. He likes heavier women and doesn't understand that when I see myself in the mirror it reminds me that weight was the main reason my grandmother and greatgrandmother died young (early to mid sixties) and that I don't want to get to the point health-wise that my mother is at.1
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Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
Try not to take offense. I don't believe any offense was meant. Only that when something bothers a person it is more likely to seem worse than it is to that person.
Personally, I don't think that's what it is or even if that is what it is and it's only half as bad as it seems to you that's still too much by far.
Again, I'm not saying that people don't look at other people, but to do it to the point your partner notices...to do it when you're out with your partner...I wouldn't be okay with that and I think that's excessive.
I'm sorry for overeating but when something is so raw and you live it day in day out it hurts when someone thinks you have exaggerated what you have said.
It is to much and it is all the time. I know people look at others, I personally don't, I never have done, when I am with someone they are all I want and see. I don't care if the hottest bloke was right in front of me my attentions are on my partner and family. If we are all doing something as a family that should be all that matters, 100% attention focused on his son not on the look out for woman, it is, in my opinion, not right.
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briansolomon7863 wrote: »This is a video of a very insightful man discussing the fact that, often, men look at other women. This may help put things in perspective for you.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=dlZsGpWJmos
Just because it's natural to notice the opposite sex, especially when they're attractive, doesn't mean it's ok to gawk at them when you're with your SO. I'm single, so I can whip my head around and gawk at anyone I damn well please. If I had an SO, I would not disrespect him by doing so in his presence and I wouldn't want him doing that when with me. Glancing/noticing an attractive person and gawking/staring at them are two totally different things.
OP, you two don't sound like you're very compatible. You are a beautiful woman, you need to realize your worth. No one should settle for being with someone who makes them feel like crap about themselves. If you have weight to lose, lose it for you, not for someone else to find you attractive. Do it to be healthier and more self confident.
We are not compatible, I have said this to him on many occasions about many things, he likes to drink, a lot, and says he misses going out with his mate, who are all single, no children, no responsibilities but I am more of a home bird, I like to be with my family. I said go and find someone he's more compatible with but he insists he doesn't want to. I don't want to stay or him have me stay for the sake of our son, I have been there done that and it wasn't very nice and we all suffered. Resentment kicks in and I think this is the result of his resentment and he's rebelling if that makes sense.1 -
ManBehindTheMask wrote: »I was married for 16 years to a man who always put me down, he was a feeder so I was very large. He was mentally abusive, "who would want you, look at you you are ugly and fat" that's what I can remember. These things stick with you. So it might seem vain but once in a while to be told you are wanted not just because you give all the time and never take anything, just because you are adored in every single way.
Anyway (shaking my head giving it a well deserved wobble) healthy body and mind in the future.
TBH it sounds like your current relationship is paying the price for the things that happened in your previous relationship. You were put down so many times by your ex, that now if you don't get constant positive reinforcement you feel bad about yourself.
I think you need to re-evaluate what you want and need from your relationship, if your partner can't give you that, then end things and find someone who can. Sounds blunt, but these things happen and life is too short to be unhappy
From another perspective, you need to take some of the blame - your ex was a feeder, but unless he was force feeding you, then you can't blame him solely for past weight gain. Also your current partner, is he completely to blame? I'm all for giving compliments, but you shouldn't let his words and/or actions, or lack thereof, dictate how happy you are. If he doesn't make you happy, move on.
You're a pretty girl, but you do sound a little needy in terms of needing constant reassurance about how pretty you are
I hope you and your partner find a happy medium and things work out for you both.
You are not being blunt you are saying it as it is and it's very true. We have both said everyone in the past has taken the best from us we are now left with leftover rubbish. Don't get me wrong I would like to be told once in a while I look nice or notice when I have had my hair done but a 42 year old man in 2 1/2 years has said nothing. He is more loving towards the dog than me.
Yes my ex, well no he didn't force feed me but I did get the "I have brought this now so you better have it" the twit!!
I don't think I need constant reassurance but some would be nice. Maybe I am to needy, I am definitely insecure so maybe they go hand in hand.
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Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
Try not to take offense. I don't believe any offense was meant. Only that when something bothers a person it is more likely to seem worse than it is to that person.
Personally, I don't think that's what it is or even if that is what it is and it's only half as bad as it seems to you that's still too much by far.
Again, I'm not saying that people don't look at other people, but to do it to the point your partner notices...to do it when you're out with your partner...I wouldn't be okay with that and I think that's excessive.
I'm sorry for overeating but when something is so raw and you live it day in day out it hurts when someone thinks you have exaggerated what you have said.
It is to much and it is all the time. I know people look at others, I personally don't, I never have done, when I am with someone they are all I want and see. I don't care if the hottest bloke was right in front of me my attentions are on my partner and family. If we are all doing something as a family that should be all that matters, 100% attention focused on his son not on the look out for woman, it is, in my opinion, not right.
OP, seriously. You do realize men and women are different when it comes to the knee jerk compulsion to take a second glance at passing arses, right?
I do know the difference and I get that, I am by no means silly but I also do know the difference between glancing and literally following someone around with their eyes, not just even a second glance but, as previous people have said, gawking. I mean he is 42 it's not like he's a young rampant, hormonal lad. I think his problem is he's a Peter pan, he doesn't want to grow up. He's got a thing about getting older, he's always commenting on his wrinkles. Before we met and he was dating he told women he was 5-8 years younger than what he was so he could get younger women.0 -
Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
Try not to take offense. I don't believe any offense was meant. Only that when something bothers a person it is more likely to seem worse than it is to that person.
Personally, I don't think that's what it is or even if that is what it is and it's only half as bad as it seems to you that's still too much by far.
Again, I'm not saying that people don't look at other people, but to do it to the point your partner notices...to do it when you're out with your partner...I wouldn't be okay with that and I think that's excessive.
I'm sorry for overeating but when something is so raw and you live it day in day out it hurts when someone thinks you have exaggerated what you have said.
It is to much and it is all the time. I know people look at others, I personally don't, I never have done, when I am with someone they are all I want and see. I don't care if the hottest bloke was right in front of me my attentions are on my partner and family. If we are all doing something as a family that should be all that matters, 100% attention focused on his son not on the look out for woman, it is, in my opinion, not right.
OP, seriously. You do realize men and women are different when it comes to the knee jerk compulsion to take a second glance at passing arses, right?
I do know the difference and I get that, I am by no means silly but I also do know the difference between glancing and literally following someone around with their eyes, not just even a second glance but, as previous people have said, gawking. I mean he is 42 it's not like he's a young rampant, hormonal lad. I think his problem is he's a Peter pan, he doesn't want to grow up. He's got a thing about getting older, he's always commenting on his wrinkles. Before we met and he was dating he told women he was 5-8 years younger than what he was so he could get younger women.
So, he wouldn't be interested in a 50 year old with great cheekbones, all natural 48 double Ds, chubby thighs, thick silvery dramatic hair and a very discreet girdle?
I can ask, all I know he's not interested in a 38 year old, no cheek bone, natural floppy boobs, muscular thighs that look like tree trunks, a bleached mane and a thick girdle.1 -
OP maybe the answer to all this is seeing a therapist? Sometimes individual counseling can help us to get to the bottom of many issues in our lives.0
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_notorious_ wrote: »You really need to find some confidence.
It's not him, it's you.
Do you know what after all the replies I have had it has given me so much to think about, and I thank you all, and I 100% totally agree. How I feel about myself and how I look are my insecurities, my demons, not his. No matter how fantastic I look or could potentially look it doesn't me a thing if I haven't got the confidence to go with it. I need to get out of this slump and on the independent, confident train I hear that is a great ride.1 -
Ok I'm going. I might be insecure, I might feel like I need reassurance from my partner, I might need to be told once in a while I look nice but one thing I am not is a liar!!! I have been open and honest about my situation and my feelings. I can assure you I have not at any time exaggerated or lied about anything. And quite frankly how dare you suggest I have, you don't know me. I know now not to seek advice or any kind of help here from people who may have been in similar situations.
Try not to take offense. I don't believe any offense was meant. Only that when something bothers a person it is more likely to seem worse than it is to that person.
Personally, I don't think that's what it is or even if that is what it is and it's only half as bad as it seems to you that's still too much by far.
Again, I'm not saying that people don't look at other people, but to do it to the point your partner notices...to do it when you're out with your partner...I wouldn't be okay with that and I think that's excessive.
I'm sorry for overeating but when something is so raw and you live it day in day out it hurts when someone thinks you have exaggerated what you have said.
It is to much and it is all the time. I know people look at others, I personally don't, I never have done, when I am with someone they are all I want and see. I don't care if the hottest bloke was right in front of me my attentions are on my partner and family. If we are all doing something as a family that should be all that matters, 100% attention focused on his son not on the look out for woman, it is, in my opinion, not right.
OP, seriously. You do realize men and women are different when it comes to the knee jerk compulsion to take a second glance at passing arses, right?
I do know the difference and I get that, I am by no means silly but I also do know the difference between glancing and literally following someone around with their eyes, not just even a second glance but, as previous people have said, gawking. I mean he is 42 it's not like he's a young rampant, hormonal lad. I think his problem is he's a Peter pan, he doesn't want to grow up. He's got a thing about getting older, he's always commenting on his wrinkles. Before we met and he was dating he told women he was 5-8 years younger than what he was so he could get younger women.
So, he wouldn't be interested in a 50 year old with great cheekbones, all natural 48 double Ds, chubby thighs, thick silvery dramatic hair and a very discreet girdle?
Awww bless ya, I can ask, all I know he's not interested in a 38 year old, no cheek bone, natural floppy boobs, muscular thighs that look like tree trunks, a bleached mane and a thick girdle.
Well, yeah. At least ask him. I'm rather hardened and could possibly break him psychologically. Would he be susceptible to lures such as false promises, great cooking, role playing with full makeup and little bo peep skirts, and wild mood swings assuaged by furniture crashing make up sex? Once he's tenderized and humbled, I'll send him back to you and he should have a much better attitude.
Hahaha love it!!! Give him a few slaps across his bum over your lap for me too.2 -
OP maybe the answer to all this is seeing a therapist? Sometimes individual counseling can help us to get to the bottom of many issues in our lives.
I think it is the way forward. These issues will never go if I don't let go of them and I do think counselling will help me to do that. Like I said they are my issues not his. Poor fella I'm surprised he's put up with me for so long.3 -
_notorious_ wrote: »You really need to find some confidence.
It's not him, it's you.
Do you know what after all the replies I have had it has given me so much to think about, and I thank you all, and I 100% totally agree. How I feel about myself and how I look are my insecurities, my demons, not his. No matter how fantastic I look or could potentially look it doesn't me a thing if I haven't got the confidence to go with it. I need to get out of this slump and on the independent, confident train I hear that is a great ride.
I agree with @_notorious_ - you need to find some confidence from somewhere. Confidence, after all, is very attractive
It won't happen overnight, there is no quick fix - take baby steps. For a start, stop comparing yourself to others (the women your SO gawks at) - try to be the best version of you, learn to love yourself.
I am very self critical, I often focus on the negative things about me and lose sight of the positive. I use this to push me to improve though, rather than wallow in self pity
Again, good luck, I hope it works out for you1 -
Love is love. If they complain about how you look that is not love. But I don't believe you have to be attracted to the person you're in love with but to not appreciate the way they look and accept it is a different story. Its one thing to make suggestions about being healthier for health reasons but to be like you'd look better thinner is effed up1
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I would send them packing. If you are happy with who you are, don t change for someone else, you won't be happy.1
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Well today I am shorts, yes shorts, I am never in shorts and it's not even hot, get me!!! I don't care if am me like it or lump it. If he don't like it he can bugger off and go happy hunting for a new woman and gawk all he likes. What's the worst that can happen we will separate and I will be a single parent, I have done it before I can do it again. Happy confident me here I come.........5
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