Body shame
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I was wondering what you would do if your other half didn't find you attractive, body and face. Is it all about appearances or personality? Would it make you more determined to lose weight or would you think if you don't love me like this you're not going to love me slimmer? I am me regardless.
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I would be determined to lose weight and be healthy for myself first. I would find it difficult to be with someone who only "loved" me when I looked a certain way. That's not love.16
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mbonacci12 wrote: »I would be determined to lose weight and be healthy for myself first. I would find it difficult to be with someone who only "loved" me when I looked a certain way. That's not love.
I am finding it difficult expecially when I see my partner stare at women who are younger, prettier and slimmer than me. I agree that's not love. I would rather be loved for me. I am losing weight for me, i am becoming healthier for me. It just sucks.0 -
I wouldn't be too worried about him looking at other women. I'm sure you notice other dudes. "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't sneak a peak at the dessert menu." I think you're on the right track doing it for you. Better to work on making yourself whole instead of a half.9
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has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?0 -
Ben_there_done_that wrote: »I wouldn't be too worried about him looking at other women. I'm sure you notice other dudes. "Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't sneak a peak at the dessert menu." I think you're on the right track doing it for you. Better to work on making yourself whole instead of a half.
It's all the time though, I get concerned he might get whiplash!!2 -
Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..
Is Scarlett Johansson a UK size 12?? I wouldn't have thought so seeing as I'm a UK size 12 and I wish I looked like her!
I agree you should lose weight for you and not for someone else but it's tough if your partner doesn't find you physically attractive. I'm also not sure how someone can "condition" themselves to find you attractive. How does that work?
We all hope the person we are with loves us for us, but I think the element of physical attraction is very important.
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TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.0 -
TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....9 -
Run4fitness12 wrote: »Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..
Is Scarlett Johansson a UK size 12?? I wouldn't have thought so seeing as I'm a UK size 12 and I wish I looked like her!
I agree you should lose weight for you and not for someone else but it's tough if your partner doesn't find you physically attractive. I'm also not sure how someone can "condition" themselves to find you attractive. How does that work?
We all hope the person we are with loves us for us, but I think the element of physical attraction is very important.
I agree, I think physical attraction is important too. It just makes me feel down0 -
I've been body shamed my whole life, as an overweight child and teen. I married young, to my soul mate who truly loved me for me. Lost a lot of weight (for me) and have maintained the loss for 35 yrs. He died 7 years ago, and it took me 5 years to get the nerve for online dating. After 2 years, absolutely no results - even with the most intuitive sites. Men in their 60's aren't looking for the curvy type, they want a mom to care for them or the last hurrah, who can blame them. I don't fit either category and my size 14 frame isn't their ideal. But, what's good about my life experience is that it's brought me great health, fitness, and the confidence to enjoy people as they are and not as I want them to be. To those still in search mode: You must be the highlight of their day, the joy of their life, and partner in tandem; it should be effortless, except for rare occasions. They, too have to be confident and enjoy life as you do. If you are happy and confident with your body and the mission to get/stay there, it will show in your persona and someone will see it - and never look back.7
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TavistockToad wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....
I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.0 -
Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »
It's just like quitting smoking.. you *kitten* with your mind and teach it new things.. NLP training... you can use basic phsycology to aqqiure new tastes.
Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...I agree, I think physical attraction is important too. It just makes me feel down
I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?2 -
TavistockToad wrote: »TavistockToad wrote: »has he told you he doesn't find you attractive? surely at some point he did to want to be with you?
is he saying he doesn't find you attractive since you gained weight?
I have gained 9lb since meeting him, I had his child. He hasn't said anything but when I ask he says "I love you for you" talk about insult to injury. He said he likes my accent and I sound posh, that's the reason he was attracted to me.
so you want him to love you for you, but when he says that you don't believe him and you think he doesn't find you attractive....? i think you're leaving out some of the story here....
I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.
i've been with my husband 11 years, married 5, i never get 'you look nice' without asking... some men just aren't like that... has he ever been one for compliments, or is it recently that its changed?
as for a woman on TV... you can look at the menu as long as you're eating at home IMO.... there is always someone out there thinner, prettier, younger, but if he's coming home to you, what does it matter?2 -
Run4fitness12 wrote: »Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...
I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?Run4fitness12 wrote: »Interesting. Just not sure I'd be happy if my partner said he needed to condition his brain to find my body attractive...
I'm sorry you're feeling down but I'm not quite sure what the problem is here. Your original post asked what we would do if your partner doesn't find you attractive.. Then you said your partner hasn't said anything and he "loves you for you". Is it just because you've caught him looking at women?
I just feel when someone says I love you for you it's a cop out. He's always looked at other women, it's just in him. I think I just want to feel special and wanted sometimes. He doesn't have to say he doesn't find me attractive his actions says it when he isn't interested in me.1 -
I would just like "oh you look nice today" or any kind of compliment rather a generic "I love you" like the other night we was watching TV while he was eating, some woman came on, nothing left to the imagination and he stopped chewing his food, I actually thought at one point he'd stopped breathing, eyes transfixed and I don't even get a glance not even a peep. Probably being to self conscious and insecure.
Ah I see. I agree with TavistockToad, some men just don't say things like that without prompting. You could also try discussing it with him and tell him you don't feel attractive and it would be nice if he could compliment you every once in a while. I've said that to my boyfriend in the past and he definitely makes more of an effort now.
Also, sometimes people don't realise what they're doing/not doing. For example, my boyfriend and I took a picture together the other day and I said "I don't like that, I have a double chin, let's take another one" and he said "how will taking another picture make any difference", which I took to mean he thinks I always have a double chin (which I don't, it was just the angle)1 -
Gloriam_Sanguinis wrote: »Ha! Mine thinks I'm to muscular but he loves me. He just doesn't like all the muscles. He actually prefers soft and curvy, size UK 12 would be his ideal body with figure like Scarlett Johansson..
To bad for him that he got me... I'm a UK size 6 with muscles.
What we do about it? Well he's conditioning himself to find my body attractive again. He says it's working but we will see. If not then he's just gonna have to suck it up lol
Is your partner crazy and/or blind?2 -
You are all right. And anyway I shouldn't need anyone else to make me feel good about myself, I should feel good because I feel good not just because I have been complemented. I have to admit he always says the wrong things, he doesn't think. I just wanted to know if it's all about being attractive to your partner or if it is all about the personality.0
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It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.6
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BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.
:huh: in what way exactly should a woman help a man to 'be more than just an animal'??1 -
BrendanMcGroarty wrote: »It doesn't matter how beautiful a woman is; a man simply gets used to a wife or gf. I think it is evolutionary; men constantly assess surroundings for danger and opportunities. However, that is not an excuse. Just because we have evolved a certain way does not mean we have to remain as the lowest common denominator. In other words, if a woman loves a man, she should help him be more than just an animal and not take her for granted. Men are happier if they do not objectify women.
I don't want to be someone that has to be gotten used to. I do believe you when you say men assess their surroundings, I cook, clean, look after our son and I believe that is why he wants me around, a mother figure, I don't want to be a mother figure, he calls me mummy, weird!!! No one sees their "mummy" in "that" way. I know before I came into his life he was a swine, and now he is a respectable person of the community, I can let him out without being worried.1
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