Comment from my mother...what do YOU think!?

delaney056

So, this topic isn't exactly fun and games. I'd like to get your opinion on something. I need to vent. Lol.

Yesterday, I went over to my friend's mom's house. She has been sick for awhile and hasn't been able to work. She had no money, no gas in her car, and no food. I gave her $100 so that she could get some gas, go turn in some job applications, and buy some food. Keep in mind, I'm 19 years old and thus still live with my parents. I work part-time (3 days a week, less than 20 hours) and am in college full-time for Nursing.

So I come home and (apparently this was a mistake) tell my mom what I did. She blew up at me and said, "Oh...so WE have to go without?" I am still seething after that comment. My reply was that we have food, we have gas in our cars, this woman can't eat. Only a few people will help her, including me. Most of her family is gone. You WANT a new computer...she is hungry...how are WE going without? I didn't borrow money from anyone else to give her. I gave her MY OWN money.

I just want to see how you all would have reacted and what you all think of this comment. I was surprised because I never thought she would have said something like that about me helping someone. She always taught me to help other people, yet when I get the ability to do that I get put down for it.

L4manski

I am on your side and would have done the same thing. That $100 doesn't kill you and it helps them. You did a good thing no matter what your mom said...

ACanadian22

Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore

StraubreyR

I agree, you did a good thing. I guess you know going forward not to mention this stuff to your Mom!

Unknown

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dedflwrs

Maybe it's the way your mom postulated her question, which I agree is not the best way. But here's something to think about: You live at home and you are, for all intents and purposes, an adult. Do you pay rent? Utilities? If you don't then the money you make is not really your own. It's money your parents let you have. If you are, on the other hand, helping your household by paying rent and other expenses then your mom's comment was out of place.

delaney056

ACanadian22 wrote: »

Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore

I don't drive her car. I have my own.

randomtai

ACanadian22 wrote: »

Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore

This

ACanadian22

I am just saying...You did a good thing, but maybe living on your own would open your eyes more

delaney056

dedflwrs wrote: »

Maybe it's the way your mom postulated her question, which I agree is not the best way. But here's something to think about: You live at home and you are, for all intents and purposes, an adult. Do you pay rent? Utilities? If you don't then the money you make is not really your own. It's money your parents let you have. If you are, on the other hand, helping your household by paying rent and other expenses then your mom's comment was out of place.

I help out whenever I can. I make $400 a month and the majority of my income goes to gas for my car to get back and forth to school and work. I save a chunk of it and I'll help her out with bills and groceries and such.

ACanadian22

So who is paying for your nursing?

delaney056

ACanadian22 wrote: »

So who is paying for your nursing?

I get the HOPE scholarship for my grades and a grant for income. That pays for everything.

forkofpower

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

randomtai

forkofpower wrote: »

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.

thatsillyshana23

Idk why people think you owe your parents money for rent or tuition. They're investing in you and thats not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing to live with parents. That $100 was yours and you had the right to help your friend. If your mother is upset thats a personal issue. She should be proud to have a child who would go out of your way to help a friend. :]

liekewheeless

I'm thinking it may have had a lot to do with timing. Maybe some money issues she hasn't discussed with you.

If it was your money and you didn't owe your mom anything, she shouldn't have gotten angry.

If she would like more financial support from you for living there, that should be a separate conversation and you should have a set "rent" and or responsibilities.

Maybe something you could talk to her about.

delaney056

liekewheeless wrote: »

I'm thinking it may have had a lot to do with timing. Maybe some money issues she hasn't discussed with you.

If it was your money and you didn't owe your mom anything, she shouldn't have gotten angry.

If she would like more financial support from you for living there, that should be a separate conversation and you should have a set "rent" and or responsibilities.

Maybe something you could talk to her about.

Right. Of course I would help more if she asked, but that conversation hasn't come up yet.

Unknown

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Deborah105

I'd be proud to be your momma. What a lovely and selfless thing to do.

delaney056

OhQueSeraSera wrote: »

forkofpower wrote: »

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

I agree with this i have girls the same age and similar situations. if you were no longer a student and not contributing towards your mothers house where you live then i can see her point.. plus i think maybe she isn't asking you for money because she wants you to have it for what you need and you gave it away. I do this with my girls and it does annoy me that I go without so they can have extra money then they blow it on taking their friends out on a night out

I understand. I just wanted to get some opinions. My mom is disabled and I drive her to doctor's appointments sometimes, I've paid for her prescriptions numerous times, I buy things for the house frequently and bring home dinner from work sometimes so she doesn't have to cook. It's hard to contribute a lot more than I do when I only make $400 a month because of school. I offered to give her money for my car insurance (that's the only expense related to my car, it's paid off) and she told me not to worry about it.

Keepcalmanddontblink

ACanadian22 wrote: »

Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore

I think maybe it was your mom's passive aggressive way of wanting you to offer to pay rent or something? Maybe you could sit down and work out something with her?

It was very nice of you to give this lady money, but just don't let her use you from now on. Did she just suddenly fall on bad times or does she normally struggle with money?

Also, just don't tell your mom anything like this if its going to bother her.

realwildchild

If you ask me, it's not as much a question of whether or not it was kind to give your friend's mother the $100, (of course that was a lovely and kind thing to do) but whether or not you have the right to when you are living off of your mother. Where I live the least you can rent a room for (assuming you don't want to live with drug dealers) is about $500, which doesn't typically cover utilities either. That also doesn't cover food, gas or insurance (health or auto).

If your mother kicked you out and rented out your room, she would probably be able to get at least $400 a month for it (assuming you don't live someplace horrible). She also wouldn't be paying for her tenant's utilities, food or insurance. This means that effectively your mother is probably sinking at least $700 a month into your upkeep and has been ever since you turned eighteen and became legally responsible for your own health and housing.

It's sweet that you contribute whenever you can, but try explaining to a real landlord out in the real world that you'll "contribute whenever you can" and see how fast you get evicted.

The fact of the matter is, in the cold hard adult world, you owe your mother rent, stretching all of the way back to when you turned eighteen, in the amount of however much she could have rented out your room for. You also owe her for auto insurance, which in a way means that your car isn't really yours, since you can't drive without auto insurance, and if most of your $400 a month is going to gas then it doesn't sound like you would be able to pay your own auto insurance. You also owe for food (unless you ALWAYS pay for your own food- real landlords NEVER pay for their tenant's food), utilities, and health insurance, if she's also paying for that.

NOW, before people jump all over me, I agree that you and your mother have an excellent setup. She is indeed investing in you, and I believe you have made a wise decision in remaining home to further your own education and better yourself.

HOWEVER, you have chosen to remain at home, living essentially like a child. This means that your mother has a great deal of say so in what you do and especially what you do with "your" money. I also saw that a previous poster pointed out that effectively the money isn't really yours, it is your mom's money that she is letting you keep. That is true. No one else would feed you, house you and pay your insurance in exchange for you "contributing whenever you can." Every cent you earn, twice over (frankly $800 a month is quite cheap for housing, utilities, food, health and car insurance) should be going to your mom. It is not by mutual agreement, and if that setup is working for both you, then more power to you. But it is absolutely your mother's right to make whatever comments she wants about your spending/donating habits. If it weren't for her you probably wouldn't be going to school right now; you'd be living in a rat-trap apartment pinching every penny and probably considering letting your health insurance lapse.

The fact that your mother CHOSE to let you live at home is very nice. It is her right to do so and I think it was a very reasonable thing to do. However, it also gives her the right to CHOOSE to say anything she pleases to you. You are far too deeply indebted to her to have any right to act superior on this issue. Effectively that $100 is hers, part of the money that she has chosen to invest in you. If it weren't for her every penny of that $100 would be going toward your rent. But you gave $100 that she invested in you away to someone else without even asking her.

Anyway, that's my $0.02. I want to say one more time that it was very kind what you did, and you sound like a very sweet person whose heart is in the right place.

delaney056

Keepcalmanddontblink wrote: »

ACanadian22 wrote: »

Maybe Mama deserves some rent as you are an adult now. Maybe you eat her food, use her home and drive her car and yet you give to a friends mother???
You are not a kid anymore

I think maybe it was your mom's passive aggressive way of wanting you to offer to pay rent or something? Maybe you could sit down and work out something with her?

It was very nice of you to give this lady money, but just don't let her use you from now on. Did she just suddenly fall on bad times or does she normally struggle with money?

Also, just don't tell your mom anything like this if its going to bother her.

Earlier today, I asked her if there were any particular bills or anything she wants me to help pay. She told me not to worry about it, which she always tells me and then gets angry because I don't help her out. I offer to help her and she turns it down and then does that. I really don't know what to do to make her happy.

delaney056

realwildchild wrote: »

If you ask me, it's not as much a question of whether or not it was kind to give your friend's mother the $100, (of course that was a lovely and kind thing to do) but whether or not you have the right to when you are living off of your mother. Where I live the least you can rent a room for (assuming you don't want to live with drug dealers) is about $500, which doesn't typically cover utilities either. That also doesn't cover food, gas or insurance (health or auto).

If your mother kicked you out and rented out your room, she would probably be able to get at least $400 a month for it (assuming you don't live someplace horrible). She also wouldn't be paying for her tenant's utilities, food or insurance. This means that effectively your mother is probably sinking at least $700 a month into your upkeep and has been ever since you turned eighteen and became legally responsible for your own health and housing.

It's sweet that you contribute whenever you can, but try explaining to a real landlord out in the real world that you'll "contribute whenever you can" and see how fast you get evicted.

The fact of the matter is, in the cold hard adult world, you owe your mother rent, stretching all of the way back to when you turned eighteen, in the amount of however much she could have rented out your room for. You also owe her for auto insurance, which in a way means that your car isn't really yours, since you can't drive without auto insurance, and if most of your $400 a month is going to gas then it doesn't sound like you would be able to pay your own auto insurance. You also owe for food (unless you ALWAYS pay for your own food- real landlords NEVER pay for their tenant's food), utilities, and health insurance, if she's also paying for that.

NOW, before people jump all over me, I agree that you and your mother have an excellent setup. She is indeed investing in you, and I believe you have made a wise decision in remaining home to further your own education and better yourself.

HOWEVER, you have chosen to remain at home, living essentially like a child. This means that your mother has a great deal of say so in what you do and especially what you do with "your" money. I also saw that a previous poster pointed out that effectively the money isn't really yours, it is your mom's money that she is letting you keep. That is true. No one else would feed you, house you and pay your insurance in exchange for you "contributing whenever you can." Every cent you earn, twice over (frankly $800 a month is quite cheap for housing, utilities, food, health and car insurance) should be going to your mom. It is not by mutual agreement, and if that setup is working for both you, then more power to you. But it is absolutely your mother's right to make whatever comments she wants about your spending/donating habits. If it weren't for her you probably wouldn't be going to school right now; you'd be living in a rat-trap apartment pinching every penny and probably considering letting your health insurance lapse.

The fact that your mother CHOSE to let you live at home is very nice. It is her right to do so and I think it was a very reasonable thing to do. However, it also gives her the right to CHOOSE to say anything she pleases to you. You are far too deeply indebted to her to have any right to act superior on this issue. Effectively that $100 is hers, part of the money that she has chosen to invest in you. If it weren't for her every penny of that $100 would be going toward your rent. But you gave $100 that she invested in you away to someone else without even asking her.

Anyway, that's my $0.02. I want to say one more time that it was very kind what you did, and you sound like a very sweet person whose heart is in the right place.

Thank you for your response. I understand what you're saying. But when I tell her I want to give her money for car insurance or anything else, she turns it down.

themedalist

I think it was a very compassionate and thoughtful gesture. I'm glad you are going into nursing.

AmigaMaria001

Being charitable and kind is NEVER a mistake. I think you just paid an insurance payment into your karma account! This kindness will come back to you one day.

delaney056

themedalist wrote: »

I think it was a very compassionate and thoughtful gesture. I'm glad you are going into nursing.

That's sweet. Thank you.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

I think you should have point blank said "I didn't realize we were struggling to eat or pay for gas, I will contribute more to those bills in the future" and walked away.

I grew up with a mother that would literally flip out if her children were in any way selfless - she grew up with very few things and hoards now to compensate. If we let somebody borrow a pencil or shirt and they didn't give it back, it was the end of the world. If we wanted to donate to charity, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE STRUGGLE NOBODY GIVES TO US (we didn't struggle, we were solid middle class and she didn't work). She never took anything from us, but in her mind, everything we had (even after we got jobs and were paying for our own things) was hers. And if you gave anything away you were giving her away and disrespecting her.

I moved out at 18 because, while she loves me and my siblings, she isn't at all stable and has a victim attitude.

Obviously, I don't think this is your mom, though. I would wager to guess your mom is either struggling financially and hiding it from you or realizes that you're about grown and dealing with your independence.

FatFreeFrolicking

ACanadian22 wrote: »

So who is paying for your nursing?

ACanadian: Jeez. You need to get off her back.

OP, what you did was a selfless and compassionate thing. I would've done the same myself if it were me.

I personally have a friend whose family is low income and her father (who passed away a few months ago) had renal failure for over 10 years. He was on dialysis and in and out of the hospital multiple times a month, which as you know, adds up very quickly. My friend was working three jobs at one time (as well as going to school full time) in order to support her mom, siblings, and to make sure there was food on the table and the mortgage was paid. I gave her money to help out occasionally, as I hate to see people suffer especially a dear friend.

Like others have said, this was YOUR money. You are entitled to spend your money however you wish. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Glad you are going into nursing. There needs to be more people in the world with a big heart like you.

DawnieB1977

I think that's a really thoughtful thing to do, help out your friend.

Is she making an effort to find a job? Maybe your mum sees her as someone who isn't making an effort to work. In England you're generally entitled to benefits if you don't work, and there are definitely people who abuse the system.

I don't get all these people who say you should be paying rent. Sure, if you were working full time then you should definitely pay rent and bills, but you're studying.

My parents paid for me to go to university. Luckily I went at a time when you didn't have to pay tuition fees, but they paid my rent, and gave me money for food, books etc. They were in a position that they could afford to do that. I'm very grateful to them, and I hope I'll be able to do the same for my children when they're older.

delaney056

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

I think you should have point blank said "I didn't realize we were struggling to eat or pay for gas, I will contribute more to those bills in the future" and walked away.

I grew up with a mother that would literally flip out if her children were in any way selfless - she grew up with very few things and hoards now to compensate. If we let somebody borrow a pencil or shirt and they didn't give it back, it was the end of the world. If we wanted to donate to charity, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE STRUGGLE NOBODY GIVES TO US (we didn't struggle, we were solid middle class and she didn't work). She never took anything from us, but in her mind, everything we had (even after we got jobs and were paying for our own things) was hers. And if you gave anything away you were giving her away and disrespecting her.

I moved out at 18 because, while she loves me and my siblings, she isn't at all stable and has a victim attitude.

Obviously, I don't think this is your mom, though. I would wager to guess your mom is either struggling financially and hiding it from you or realizes that you're about grown and dealing with your independence.

My parents are still married and my dad has a stable job and makes great money. My mother is disabled and gets social security. If there are money issues, I'm not aware of them. I think it's the latter of what you said. She didn't start doing this until I turned 19. My 20th birthday is next Saturday. I love her to death and I offer to help her in whatever way I can, even if it doesn't involve money. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong or how to help her.