Comment from my mother...what do YOU think!?

bookworm_847

OP, you did a very generous thing. Good for you!

As for your mom's comment, is there an agreed arrangement as far as expenses and such while you're living at home? Or is it just assumed that since you're still living there, your parents would continue to provide for you? Either way, it might be time to have a conversation with your mom about the situation.

21million

There are a ton of reasons for why she could have reacted this way. I would just ask, she is your mom, not a scary dictator (hopefully).

It is hard for anyone to give you tailored advice or an opinion of what is going on without personal specifics of your relationship with your mother. I guarantee you that my mother's reasoning would be 100% different than your mother's reasoning.

No two relationships are the same, . Similar, yes, but not the same. In this thread alone we have guesses from mothers, daughters, sons and fathers, strict parents, parents who want their babies out, parents who can't let go, runaways, etc. And you know whose guess is accurate? MAYBE one, MAYBE.

Unless your mother is abusive or make you homeless for questioning her, go discuss it over tea and hash it out with your momma so the trauma doesn't happen again.

Neither of you are right or wrong. You both just reacted differently to a situation for different reasons.

Good luck!

jenilla1

randomtai wrote: »

forkofpower wrote: »

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.

Nowadays? People look at the past with rose-colored glasses.

Well, "back in my day" (20+ years ago) my parents let me live rent free as long as I was a full-time student. I am now an educated and financially independent adult, thanks to my parents' help during those early years. And that scenario seemed to be pretty typical of most of the college kids I knew.

I don't think that providing a roof over the head of your 19 year old full-time college student is controversial at all. This kind of support gives kids the opportunity and incentive to get an education. If you kick them to the curb at 18 and tell them to go make a living, college probably won't be in the equation.

The kids I've known in that situation usually end up in low-end jobs struggling to make ends meet. I remember most parents I knew seemed to be telling their kids to either go to college OR go to the military OR get a job and pay rent OR get the heck out.

Parents can do what they want when their kid turns 18, but there's nothing wrong with those who want to provide better opportunities. Don't believe everything you see in the media. While there are many entitled, coddled kids out there, not ALL young people are spoiled brats and moochers. (High School Teacher, here.)

(Of course, letting your drugged out bum kid live in the basement, doing nothing all day is pretty screwed up. But there's no comparison with a full-time college student living rent free. A society that wants better for their kids is not screwed up.)

chadya07

randomtai wrote: »

forkofpower wrote: »

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

19 is an adult. This is what is wrong with society now a days.

there are many things wrong with society and i am pretty sure supporting ones kids through college is not one of them.

PurringMyrrh

Holy Christ, this thread is amazing. Hats off to you, MFPers.

mbailey423

As an LEO I see the worst of the worst in people every day.......what you did was something you should be commended for. Every time I hear someone say something disparaging about the younger generation.......it's folks like you that stick in my head, and give me something to throw back at them. I only hope that my daughter has your level of care and compassion when she grows up...... We need more people like you Made me smile to read your post. ..........as my Dad use to say. "Good job kid!!"

pechepanda

when i lived with my parents, its something i would have asked them about before I did it, just because i feel like they would want to have a say, and at that point, if im living in their house and its my mothers friend, i feel like she should get to have a bit of a say on it but i also know they would have said it was ok as long as it was money i had to spare. and even if they didnt, id do what i felt was right after telling her.
now if my mother said that i would just have reacted by being incredibly annoyed and pointing out when she had given people money and that its my money and she has no right to tell me what to do with it.

i think it would be a bit surprising and id want to ask my mom why she thinks that

sldeane

delaney056 wrote: »

So, this topic isn't exactly fun and games. I'd like to get your opinion on something. I need to vent. Lol.

Yesterday, I went over to my friend's mom's house. She has been sick for awhile and hasn't been able to work. She had no money, no gas in her car, and no food. I gave her $100 so that she could get some gas, go turn in some job applications, and buy some food. Keep in mind, I'm 19 years old and thus still live with my parents. I work part-time (3 days a week, less than 20 hours) and am in college full-time for Nursing.

So I come home and (apparently this was a mistake) tell my mom what I did. She blew up at me and said, "Oh...so WE have to go without?" I am still seething after that comment. My reply was that we have food, we have gas in our cars, this woman can't eat. Only a few people will help her, including me. Most of her family is gone. You WANT a new computer...she is hungry...how are WE going without? I didn't borrow money from anyone else to give her. I gave her MY OWN money.

I just want to see how you all would have reacted and what you all think of this comment. I was surprised because I never thought she would have said something like that about me helping someone. She always taught me to help other people, yet when I get the ability to do that I get put down for it.

What you have done is commendable.

A quote I like "You should only ever look into your neighbours bowl to see if they have enough, never to see if you have as much as them"

Liftng4Lis

I think you did great helping out someone in need, and as you stated you help out in your old household when you can. I'm sorry your mom burst your bubble, but being the best person you can be in all situations is what its all about.

NewLIFEstyle4ME

I didn't read all of the comments, so if this has been mentioned already, I agree

I think what you've done for your friend was very very nice/kindhearted and super compassionate...plus you will reap what you sow, so maybe one day you will be stuck in an unfortunate situation and someone will have mercy and compassionate with you as you've been with your friend! I have found that being a generous/compassionate person brings both tremendous personal rewards (makes me feel really good about myself) and helps others too. Being generous can also bring unscrupulous and calculating people around you, to "try" to take advantage of your generous and kindhearted nature too. That said, perhaps that's what your mother was thinking about when she snapped--maybe not, but perhaps....

Also, I wonder how often you bring your mother flowers or something of that nature, that doesn't have to do with money or food (you said you sometimes bring home food, so she doesn't have to cook. I wonder if you do little things that shows your mom how much you appreciate her (again, not by money...or by chores of taking her to the store and stuff like that), but little things like you did for your friend--to some people, things like a lovely bouquet of flowers, a card (that you've made yourself or purchased--telling her how glad you are that she's your mom and that she loves and cares and helps you--also along those lines, putting a $20.00 or so bill in the card, letting her know you know she doesn't want your money, but this is just a tiny token of how much you appreciate her--EVERY PAYDAY) and little things like that--I'm telling ya, if you were to do that, she probably wouldn't have snapped on you like that, knowing that you are not only kind, thoughtful and generous to others...but to her too.

Maybe you do these things, I just thought I'd add this in case you're not.

{{{{ Hugs }}}}}

MysteriousMerlin

forkofpower wrote: »

I don't know, I'm not sure if it's normal for a 19 year old college student to have to start paying rent to her family already. I mean, if she graduated and had to live at home for a while, that would make sense, but at 19, you're just getting started in life, and still dealing with education/paying student bills/etc. It would seem kind of harsh to me to ask a 19 year old to pay rent if she wants to keep living at home during uni. Also, it sounds like OP is already pretty independent -- as long as it was her money she was giving, I don't see how the mother's comment was in any way justified.

I agree completely. If she was just bumming around, not doing much with her life, then yeah, she should be expected to help out more at home, but if her parents let her live there while she attends school, then she does have the right to do with her money what she wishes.

I think what you did was a very sweet gesture.

SwashBlogger

I happen to have a 19 year old daughter living at home, working and going to school - and I could imagine her doing exactly what you did. In fact, I have had to rein in her generosity throughout her childhood. At this point, she is paying rent. We are saving it for her to get an apartment around her 20th birthday next year. Maybe it's time to have a non-combative discussion with Mom about your plans. Don't allow her to treat you l like you are 12.
-

Sapporo

realwildchild wrote: »

I

HOWEVER, you have chosen to remain at home, living essentially like a child. This means that your mother has a great deal of say so in what you do and especially what you do with "your" money. I also saw that a previous poster pointed out that effectively the money isn't really yours, it is your mom's money that she is letting you keep. That is true. No one else would feed you, house you and pay your insurance in exchange for you "contributing whenever you can." Every cent you earn, twice over (frankly $800 a month is quite cheap for housing, utilities, food, health and car insurance) should be going to your mom. It is not by mutual agreement, and if that setup is working for both you, then more power to you. But it is absolutely your mother's right to make whatever comments she wants about your spending/donating habits. If it weren't for her you probably wouldn't be going to school right now; you'd be living in a rat-trap apartment pinching every penny and probably considering letting your health insurance lapse.

The fact that your mother CHOSE to let you live at home is very nice. It is her right to do so and I think it was a very reasonable thing to do. However, it also gives her the right to CHOOSE to say anything she pleases to you. You are far too deeply indebted to her to have any right to act superior on this issue. Effectively that $100 is hers, part of the money that she has chosen to invest in you. If it weren't for her every penny of that $100 would be going toward your rent. But you gave $100 that she invested in you away to someone else without even asking her.

Anyway, that's my $0.02. I want to say one more time that it was very kind what you did, and you sound like a very sweet person whose heart is in the right place.

Ugh. No, no, no! Gifts should never have strings attached. Her Mom should have no say at all regarding what the OP spends her own money on. If she has a problem with it then she needs to rearrange the arrangement going forward.
The $100 is hers? That is so messed up. If it were her mom's $100, it would have been handed to her. But it wasn't. So it isn't.