How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?

SpockAdventures

First and foremost, I originally posted this in chit-chat and then realized that probably wasn't the place for this....so yes, this is a duplicate, just to make that clear.


I am the oldest of four sisters. I've always been the chubbier one, and I'm sure that part of that is because I'm 6 years older than the next oldest, and 12 years older than the youngest. However, in the last year, my weight hasn't changed much, but all three of them have gained - and I'm not even joking - a minimum of 30lbs a piece. My youngest sister started college last year, and easily put on 60lbs. Even my oldest of the three, who has danced her whole life, put on like 30lbs over the last year.

I feel like a terrible person for it, but looking at them is part of why I am so dedicated to losing weight now. I think that the weight they have gained is...well....kind of gross (and I am so sorry if that is offensive, I don't LIKE thinking that about anyone, let alone my own family!), and I want to help them take care of themselves, but the oldest has undiagnosed mental health issues, probably bipolar like myself, so is incredibly emotionally unstable and can't even talk about MY weight loss efforts, let alone her own. The middle lives with her boyfriend and his family who are all over weight, happily so, and she just lives in that culture of fat acceptance, and my youngest....she's the one I'm most worried about...she is in plain old full out denial that she is overweight at all, when she would easily fall into morbid obesity with her BMI.

I want to serve as a positive role model, but just casually talking about my own efforts just doesn't seem to mean anything to them, or they just shut down and don't listen. I'm really good at tough love - like, I'm the one they come to when they know they need a reality check - but this kind of tough love could be really really psychologically damaging to generally unstable people already. (We have a run of genetic mental illness in our family on both sides....awesome for us, I know!)

TL;DR: How do you guys deal with siblings or loved ones that need help, either to gain weight or to lose weight, if you help at all?

jemhh

If family/friends want help or encouragement with weight loss, they will ask for it. Until then, I don't say a word. I can't even imagine bringing it up. People know when they are fat. People know how to lose weight. We all have to decide on our own that it bothers us enough to do something about it. Having somebody point out your fatness is not helpful.

SpockAdventures

It's so hard for me to not say/do anything. I kind of raised my sisters - absent/kind of crazy parents, I was the oldest, blah blah blah - so seeing them struggle or just give up, it's so hard! That maternal sensor kicks in in me and I become genuinely sickeningly worried. It's so exhausting, I just don't know that I can turn that off!

...though I agree that if you're overweight you know, and someone pointing it out can just be hurtful. Le sigh.

Francl27

It's not my business to do anything about it.

SpockAdventures

Francl27 wrote: »

It's not my business to do anything about it.

I think I know that, I just know I would never be getting healthy if I hadn't had my husband helping me along the way and right now, no one seems to be helping them. I am better cause someone fought for me, and so I guess I feel like someone should be fighting for them.

broox80

Easy, I'm an only child!!!

yopeeps025

Lead by example and they will come around. I just laugh when my brother asks if I went to the gym. That should not be the question. The question can be what did you do there.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

Maybe you should just worry about being a kind person and not their grossness.

nopotofgold

well if you are a role model for them and was always the biggest, I would think you would just need to lose the weight. Invite them over for dinner and make an amazing healthy meal. Ask them to go hiking, swimming, walking, what ever you do to stay healthy. Tell them you are wanting to lose weight but really need a buddy and who better than your sisters.
My siblings (older sister and younger brother) have over active thyroids, runs in the family. My mom had it, my grandpa, uncle, great grandma, and thats all I can think of at the moment. I am normal so when I was eating like them I gained weight. Good this I was the one into doing sports or I would be much bigger. I feel bad for them because they get picked on for being to skinny even though they eat like it is going out of style. So if the thyroid ever does slow down I am sure I will be getting them to put down the chips and go hiking with me ( I do that know anyway .

SpockAdventures

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

Maybe you should just worry about being a kind person and not their grossness.

I don't worry about what kind of people they are, because they are really good people, and I am a good person. I am proud of them in every way, except for how they take care of themselves, and I don't like (like I said) that I think their sudden weight gain and just refusal to acknowledge they aren't taking care of themselves is gross, I'm just being honest about what my gut reaction is.

yopeeps025 wrote: »

Lead by example and they will come around. I just laugh when my brother asks if I went to the gym. That should not be the question. The question can be what did you do there.

Thanks, that's what I've been doing, just trying to talk about what I do, how good I feel, what is enjoyable, all in relation to my own health. I never bring up their health in the conversation, I guess I just wanted to see if others handled it differently, or if that's just the best I am going to be able to do, y'know?

SpockAdventures

nopotofgold wrote: »

well if you are a role model for them and was always the biggest, I would think you would just need to lose the weight.].

Thanks, that has been my instinctive reaction...just seeing if others do more than just that. But I guess that is a lot in and of itself.

yopeeps025

yopeeps025 wrote: »

Lead by example and they will come around. I just laugh when my brother asks if I went to the gym. That should not be the question. The question can be what did you do there.

Thanks, that's what I've been doing, just trying to talk about what I do, how good I feel, what is enjoyable, all in relation to my own health. I never bring up their health in the conversation, I guess I just wanted to see if others handled it differently, or if that's just the best I am going to be able to do, y'know?

Along with lead by example. My brother wants to lose 10 pounds as he see my weight get lower. We have lots of fitness talks too.

SpockAdventures

yopeeps025 wrote: »

Along with lead by example. My brother wants to lose 10 pounds as he see my weight get lower. We have lots of fitness talks too.

Well, I'm currently strapping my sneakers on, so I guess I'm at least part way there.

devil_in_a_blue_dress

SpockAdventures wrote: »

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

Maybe you should just worry about being a kind person and not their grossness.

I don't worry about what kind of people they are, because they are really good people, and I am a good person. I am proud of them in every way, except for how they take care of themselves, and I don't like (like I said) that I think their sudden weight gain and just refusal to acknowledge they aren't taking care of themselves is gross, I'm just being honest about what my gut reaction is.

yopeeps025 wrote: »

Lead by example and they will come around. I just laugh when my brother asks if I went to the gym. That should not be the question. The question can be what did you do there.

Thanks, that's what I've been doing, just trying to talk about what I do, how good I feel, what is enjoyable, all in relation to my own health. I never bring up their health in the conversation, I guess I just wanted to see if others handled it differently, or if that's just the best I am going to be able to do, y'know?

No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.

kaseyr1505

I don't really work on helping my family, but I do mention things from time to time on Facebook (I'm about 1,300 miles from my family). I think people will get help when they want, and it's nice to make people know indirectly that you're there.

I talk about how good I feel from my weight loss, mention my runs/lifting, and how I lost weight, without giving anything up.

My uncle recently had a heart attack scare, and came to ask me for advice, so I guess something got through!

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MyChocolateDiet

I don't. My siblings weight is their business and they respect that mine is mine.

mmm_drop

If a person wants to lose weight then they will do it. If they ask for advice, then help them out, but otherwise, I'd just keep on keeping on and focus on yourself.

hermann341

Most of my siblings (4 sisters, 3 brothers) tend to be overweight. The biggest exception would seem to be my youngest sister, who seems to be genetically similar to our dad, who is the thin parent. In the past, she was also the most active, earning a volleyball scholarship to pay for college. For me and my other siblings, we are/were all aware of when we needed to lose weight. And when one of us does lose weight, the others would marvel at how well they have done, and ask, "How did you do it." Currently, the weight loss champ and most active titles would belong to me, based on my running for fitness and my logging here on MFP. I have pretty much let my results speak for themselves, and let anyone know who asked, that I did it with myfitnesspal.com. I've tried to not be pushy with my siblings who need to lose some weight, but have encouraged those that ask to be diligent if they want to use this site.

FatFreeFrolicking

It's not your place to comment on anyone's weight. Ever.

lorib642

My sister has been waiting for me to show some interest and now she makes a lot of suggestions (I find it pushy). I usually ignore them but we traveled together over a weekend and it was painful feeling her watch me eat things she didn't "approve" of. I would wait until they ask for advice.

jgnatca

My sister is very closed with her feelings. If I dared bring up such a thing, she may cut me off altogether. It's too touchy a subject. People have to be ready in their own time. I kept my weight loss journey a secret from my sister for a whole bunch of reasons, and when she found out she has graciously celebrated my change. She asked a few questions about what it has been like. But I don't offer unsolicited advice. She's a smart woman.

ciacyrus29

There is just my sister and I however we have a few adopted siblings. Growing up my sister and I were never overweight - actually we were quite thin. When we blossomed, we stayed relatively thin but had curves. I being the oldest always had to watch what I ate and had to be mindful of my exercise. My sister gained weight a bit when she left for California but when she returned home - lost it.
- I think all family members hold concerns about the health of family members. I think the hardest thing any family member can do is criticize how another family member looks. You don't know what they are thinking or how they feel about the subject. A lot of times it can cause a rift in your relationship because it can make the other person(s) feel like because you've lost weight - you feel like your better than them.
- If your concerned and you've let them know of that - then leave them alone. You have done what you can, now you can just be a role model. When and if they are ready to do it for themselves they will. No amount of constant barrage will make them see things differently. It will only make them want to dig their heals in deeper and eat more.
- I am what you call an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, anxious, depressed, or just feeling ho-hum. So when my family gets on me about my weight - one might want to stay away from food but the need for comfort drives me back to the one thing that doesn't judge me - food.
- Sometimes people think that going on a diet means eating food without taste or limiting themselves and they don't want that. But by you showing them, that this is not the case, it may help them to see things differently.
- I have and had two adoptive twin sister. One pasted away some years ago to ovarian cancer but both were/are fuller figured than they would like to be. I can talk to her about losing weight and there is no problem. We can even find humor in our weight. She is one of a very few I can do that with. However, she has made attempts but have not succeeded. I don't harp on her about it. I let her bring it up or I may tell her about a conversation with another friend at work but I never direct the conversation towards her. That's not getting us anywhere.
- Support is just being there. Love and support means you understand and you move on and when they need you, you are there. Ultimately, it is their life - just like yours belongs solely to you. Just keep loving them and being that source of inspiration. That is all you can do.
- Also, stop looking at them and thinking they look gross. How would you like it if someone said I know itsfuntobenormal and she looks gross. Her weight is just gross. Although you may not say it around them, sometimes actions, facial features, tone of voice says so much more than actual words and sentences. If you wouldn't want or didn't like people saying that about you - don't put that label on them. They are beautiful because they are your sisters - you just have to help them to shine a bit brighter than they are.

janiceclark08

I have 3 sisters that are smaller than me, I'm the youngest. Its not that they are more active or even healthier, just smaller, anyway they have said things over my lifetime that has hurt my feelings. I really dont want them to say anything about my needing to lose weight. I even had 1 sister start on me about my weight years ago when I was still in hospital after delivering my daughter, she even bought some diet book there. It was inappropriate, I gave the book to another sister that came to hospital.

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thingofstuff

My older brother has a beer gut, an unfortunate hereditary trait on my father's side. My dad lost a lot of weight after cholesterol threats from the Dr., so I have the right to hold him accountable when he goes off the wagon, otherwise he has to go on meds. My brother just drinks, parties, and eats tonnes of processed junky food or goes out to eat hungover grease food with his friends. He's asked me for fitness tips countless times but has not once put in an iota of effort despite living walking distance of a gym, having a stationary bike in the next room (not to mention resistance bands, mats, an ab roller, kettle bell, jump ropes, leg weights), and that we don't keep treats in the house for the most part.

I think if you are really concerned, talk to your siblings! He complains about his fatness and his general loathing of his bad habits, so I always tell him, "you'd probably hate your life less if you got some endorphins from exercise and stop being a whiney brat. If you're going to have high standards for female dating material, you'll be alone forever as long as you're a childish fat sack of crap with 0 will power or self control". Of course every sibling relationship is different, but we've always been close friends and talked very...openly about our feelings haha. The only problem is that we always use humour, and he probably only half takes me seriously.

tl;dr: If they ask for your help, whoop them into submission: if they don't ask for help, approach with caution and tenderness from the bottom of your heart when expressing concern.

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terri_mom

My siblings (sisters) and I are open about communicating almost every subject, and I really don't care if my concern hurts their feelings, because I have the right to worry about their health (but I am always kind about the way I speak about weight or other delicate issues). That being said - my youngest sister lost weight because of her new job; I praise and congratulate her often. My middle sister passed because her weight increased her sleep apnea and her heart wasn't strong enough to wake her (we talked healthy foods, and I took her to work out as often as possible). I worry most now about my daughter, because she also gets sick often. That is why I asked her to join MFP, to balance her vitamins and minerals, and to support me in my weightloss journey.

If you ask your siblings to join you on MFP to help give you the support you need, they will likely see how their diets are detrimental, and will become interested in improvement.

And, looking around at Fairs and FleaMarkets and Walmart and such, I don't believe all people know when they are fat, or they wouldn't dress like some of them do.

hbm616

Rather than bringing up their weight issues it might be best to try and set a good example. Invite them on walks, to the gym or to exercise classes. Set aside a night every so often to get together and cook a healthy meal. These suggestions only work if you guys live close to one another....
I am also one of 4 sisters so I know where you are coming from. Even though you might feel like you are saying something out of love, your sisters might feel alienated or attacked if you call them out on their weight.
Hope this helps.

SpockAdventures

itsfuntobenormal wrote: »

No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.

I am a kind person, which is why I worry and care about their health and well-being. I don't care what they look like, I care that they are healthy.

SpockAdventures

These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.

I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.

Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!