How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?

veganbettie

for me I would only ever help someone that wanted help. Your sisters know if they are fat or not...you can't control their lives, maybe they like their size, it's not anyone's business but their own.

My sister is a lot bigger than I am, now....but in all honesty she owns her shape, she knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy, but i would only ever say anything if she wanted help...And regardless of her size, my sister is really freaking beautiful, she just is. She was gorgeous thinner and she is really freaking gorgeous bigger, maybe she just carries her weight well, I don't know, maybe she is just a really beautiful person inside and out, but she is just beautiful, and thats really how you should view your siblings regardless of their size...

Yes I do want her to be healthy but I can't make anyone healthy except for myself, but I could make them feel bad and make them never want to ask for help... There is a lot more to a person than just their weight.

Good luck OP, I hope your siblings figure it out and you get your mind all sorted out, I really understand where you're coming from, but I don't think that you're thinking about it in the right way.

brenn24179

very very sensitive subject, I have a friend who is big but she wants to eat and who am I t o tell her not to. It is her business. I tell her about myself losing weight and what I do. If she asked me for advice I would help but I don't dare advise her. I love her the way she is. It is her life, I like her character.

WorkoutJunkie1

I am the youngest boy of four and I have always been the bigger one. The oldest boy in my family has a perfect body. He's constantly in the gym lifting and if you saw him beside me, you wouldn't even believe we were related. He is healthy all the way around, but he was always supposed to be the one who has the responsibility, so he grew up faster than us. This is how he can be so disciplined.

The next oldest boyfriend is just average. He's not fat, chubby, muscular, or anything. He has toned his arms, but he's just average. When he takes his shirt off, you can see maybe a four pack.

Then the one just above me is a freaking toothpick. He is bony and many of us accuse him of being on meth because of his frame.

jrose1982

Don't say a word about their weight. It's too sensitive a topic. If they're not ready to deal with it, then hearing it won't do them any good. Besides, it sounds like two of your sisters are content where they are. Contentment has it's own merits, so don't knock it.

But you might want to check on that younger sister's overall well-being.
"started college last year, and easily put on 60lbs"

The correlation between a major life change and such a weight gain has me wondering if she's having a hard time. It might just be the lifestyle change - i.e. working harder at school so eating lot's of fast food. But it could also be a symptom of deeper problems. I gained 80 lbs the year I finished college... and I was extremely depressed.

So, check on your little sister. Ask about her classes, her friends, her job (if she has one). Ask open ended questions and see where her own thoughts take the conversation. Find out what kind of support she needs and do what you can to get it to her.

Remember, when it comes to health, weight is only one piece of the puzzle.

I have 7 sisters and 2 brothers. We all worry about each other. Sometimes we try to interfere. I can tell you this: having other people express concerns about my weight has never - not once - inspired me to lose weight. My siblings and I have never been able to get each other to change in any way. And trying has, at times, caused rifts that damaged everybody involved.

Your concern for your sisters is perfectly reasonable. But acting on that concern is unwise. You've got to trust them. Ask them what they worry about, and show your support in ways that are meaningful to them.

FatFreeFrolicking

SpockAdventures wrote: »

njitaliana wrote: »

It also isn't your place to decide that someone else's weight is "gross." That attitude will surely come through if you speak to them about it.

You are likely right, and it's not my place, but I don't shy away from the judgments I make internally, one way or the other. Fact is, we all judge everyone else whether we want to or not. I have just learned to own that and recognize that these are snap judgments, not based on real understanding. I also am one that is not down with the recent "fat acceptance" movements - I do believe that morbid obesity is self/society-made and that there is no excuse for that kind of obesity, so yeah, I can be judgey. We all are, it's just the difference of whether or not one admits it.

You aren't exactly a twig yourself so who are you to judge?

PrizePopple

My sister is on MFP, and if I saw her post that my weight gain was "gross" I'd fly to the state she lives in so I could slap her in the face, and then eat a doughnut in front of her.

jrose1982

SpockAdventures wrote: »

Just random note that made me very happy - while reading through this, my oldest sister and I have been talking and she freely told me without prompting she signed up for a gym membership, I asked her if I could give her one piece of advice on exercising and she said sure to which I told her that she just has to do it and not look for secret motivational tips. Just get it done. Just knowing that she is taking a step forward for herself lifts a part of that weight off my shoulders.

This made me happy.

jrose1982

PrizePopple wrote: »

My sister is on MFP, and if I saw her post that my weight gain was "gross" I'd fly to the state she lives in so I could slap her in the face, and then eat a doughnut in front of her.

And this made me laugh. Yeah, I'd do the same.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

It looks, from your ticker, like you just started. It's normal to feel excited and to want to share your excitement with people around you. It's a bit like when someone "finds Jesus" and just has to share what they've learned with everyone.

For someone who isn't looking for help it can be off-putting. If you want to approach it from a health perspective that's a little more doable, *if* you have that kind of relationship with them. I personally would not respond well to that and wouldn't do it. I definitely would not tell them you think they're gross.

I would wait until you've had success losing weight and maintaining for awhile. It's likely that when that happens you'll get asked what you did. I'll tell you though that most people don't like my answers when that conversation comes up, so don't expect too much.

In the meantime spend time with them, enjoy their company, invite them to do active things. And don't mention their weight.

SpockAdventures

jrose1982 wrote: »

But you might want to check on that younger sister's overall well-being.
"started college last year, and easily put on 60lbs"

The correlation between a major life change and such a weight gain has me wondering if she's having a hard time.
So, check on your little sister.

Agreed. We've been through a lot in the last few years without her going to college. She and I share a dad, but not mom whereas the others share mom and not dad. Our Dad was amazing. Really amazing, and then one day four years ago he just dropped dead of a fatal heart attack. He didn't have heart problems - he had diabetes type 2 and was on Avandia, the likely cause of his heart failure. Her mother is a control freak, and insensitive to boot. Like, to the point that she didn't talk about our dad's passing with her at all. I know that going to college really was a huge reality check for her. Her mom also has been INSISTENT on NAGGING her about her weight for years. She's never been thin, but she was always athletic. She played volleyball up until two years ago. She stopped in February 2013, put on probably 20lbs before college, and then between last September and this June was when she put on 50-60lbs. She's been increasingly distant, no matter how I reach out. I know that something is up with her, but she just doesn't talk about that stuff. I guess me looking at her weight is the one thing that I feel like I might actually be able to do something about because it's tangible and real and I can see it, as opposed to what's going on psychologically, which I can't see the depths of.

Thanks for your response - it was very thoughtful and helpful.

SpockAdventures

FatFreeFrolicking wrote: »

You aren't exactly a twig yourself so who are you to judge?

[/quote]

I'm not, it's human nature to judge. And the difference is, I am doing something actively about my weight, not accepting mediocrity - because for me, this is mediocrity. Maybe not others, but for me it is.

SpockAdventures

ILiftHeavyAcrylics wrote: »

It looks, from your ticker, like you just started. It's normal to feel excited and to want to share your excitement with people around you.

I should point out, I just started My Fitness Pal - I've been getting healthy and working on my weight for months, and intensively. This isn't a new thing for me, it's actually something that has become a passion of mine that I spend a minimum of two hours a day engaged in, be it exercising, reading on health, etc. Just so you know, it's not just a new excitement, it's my own personal education shaping the way I see the world and the people around me.

jrose1982 wrote: »

And this made me laugh. Yeah, I'd do the same.[/quote]

And that's fine if that is how you guys would react. I don't mince words with anyone, so if my sisters saw that, they'd know that (as strange as it might seem) there is love behind it. I talk like that with them a lot, about other issues. I guess it's just the nature of our relationships, and I don't expect most people would be that way with others. We just know each other better than ourselves most of the time.

allie_00p

If my sister had come up to me when I was unmotivated & sad, and told me I was unmotivated & sad looking, it would have accomplished nothing more than to damage our relationship.

I've got pretty thick skin, but my weight has always been a sensitive subject and I think it's that way for a lot of people, there's so many emotional issues tied into our weight/appearance.

She is 10 years my senior, our family does not have mental health issues & that still would have been one heck of a hurdle to get past. Do not recommend.

lilmisfit1987

I don't recommend talking about it at all. I have a very overweight older sister who definitely knows she's overweight. She's very proud of it and brags on facebook that she has a husband who gives her a candy bar and tells her she's beautiful every time she's feeling bad about her weight. She's liked none of my posts about losing weight or meeting my goals, and has made a post saying that nobody should congratulate her if she is to lose weight because weight doesn't matter...it's a superficial thing. (She did however comment on my comparison picture that I was beautiful at any size.) I just ignore it (besides the compliment). It her body, her life, and her choice. I have mentioned this site to her and how I switched over to drinking only water, but that it. I'm not going to push weight loss on her because I love her no matter what size she is. If I'm to be perfectly honest though, I do hope that one day she does want to lose the weight and not because of what she'll look like...because of her health. If she does decide to take that journey someday I can tell you that I will be there to support her every step on the way!

pleasepleaseno

You need to leave them alone and not say *kitten*. It's not your place.

cincysweetheart

If a person is overweight to the point (and length of time) that it could be a health issue… THEY KNOW IT! Much better than you do, I'm sure. You won't do them any favors by pointing it out to them… even if it is done in love and out of genuine concern.

If they bring it up or ask any questions… then the door is open for you to give advice or make suggestions. But until then… you run the risk of ruining a relationship. I'm extremely close to my sisters too. And I'm the baby and both of my parents are dead. And I'm the heaviest out of them all… to the point that it could/would cause health problems. If there ever was a reason for them to speak up… they had every reason to. But they never did. They accepted that I was an intelligent adult and aware of my own body and capable of making my own choices. They just loved me and accepted me the way I was. And I'm grateful for that. I would have resented them saying anything and it would have made it less likely that I would do anything about it. And if ever in the future I had changed my mind… it would make it less likely that I would ever talk to them about it or ask for their help or advice.

When I decided to lose weight...I made that decision on my own and not even because of health issues. And while I'm still the heaviest out of all of them… now I'm the one losing. And I am the one they are turning to for advice and motivation. If you really want to be a help to your sisters… leave them alone about their weight… even if potential health problems could be a concern. Respect that they are intelligent adults that know what they are doing. And just love and accept them the way they are… No matter how big they get. When the time comes that they are ready to change… they will see your success and come to you naturally. Assuming you haven't done something stupid that could ruin the relationship.

malibu927

Nope. Actually, my brother lost about 75 pounds a few years ago and he never once brought up the subject that I should do it too. It was my own decision not even based on him.

Veronnie87

Don't talk to them about their weight unless they are facing serious health issues where their lives could be in danger; it's really none of your business. Nobody likes to be preached to. If they are no longer happy with their physical appearance and fitness level, then be there to offer support and encouragement.
YOU have taken control of YOUR life with the encouragement and support of your husband; that's amazing and very commendable. But now you need to step back and let THEM decide when it's time for them to take control of THEIR lives, and then you can be the encouraging and supportive one for them.

Missjulesdid

I am also the oldest of four sisters. I am 10,13, and 15 years older. I have always been the fat one.
Sister#4 the baby, has never had a weight problem and she is very careful to maintain her weight.She has always been supportive of the rest of us with our weight struggles and I think seeing our struggle makes her determined to maintain her own weight.

Sister #3 has ALWAYS had a weight problem and I've always helped her with it when she's asked. Even though I was over 300 pounds I was still able to support her with her diet and weight loss attempts. Perhaps it was because of my weight that she allowed me to help her with her own. Because she knew that I understood her struggle and she knew I wouldn't judge her harshly. She's been as high as 230 and she's currently maintaining at 160ish which is a "happy weight" for her. We are each other's biggest cheer leaders.

Sister#2 concerns me. She was thin as a teenager due to dangerous dietary habits and gained a lot of weight during her 20s and coming into her 30s. When I was losing weight, she was my biggest concern because I've always been the fattest, then sister#3, then sister#2 then the always thin Sister#4.. But already sister#3 had become thinner than her so I felt almost guilty also becoming thinner than sister #2...Like I've upset the natural order of things. We've all wanted sister#2 to lose weight and take better care of her health for the past 8 years. She works WAY too much and has a terrible diet and we really worry for her health. It's not like I'm suddenly taken charge of my weight and I want to push it on everyone else. I tried to encourage her when I was 360 pounds... For me when it comes to weight misery DOES NOT love company and I definitely didn't want my sisters to share my struggles with weight. BEFORE when I was heavier than her, I felt more free to be able to discuss weight with her because she was smaller than me. Sister #3 felt the same way, Now that we're smaller than sister #2 has become a more delicate issue because she doesn't want her to feel bad. So all we can do is just keep on focusing on our own weight issues and health goals and include sister#2 as much as we can. If we're going to the gym, we don't exclude sister #2 just because she's not currently on an exercise program, We make sure she knows she's invited. If we're discussing nutrition, we don't avoid the topic simply because sister #2 is around. We try not to point out her weight but we don't try to tiptoe around it either. When sister #2 is ready to make changes, I want her to be comfortable enough to rely on me and our other sisters for support.

It's hard to see your sisters struggle but they're probably not in as much denial as you think. Just do your best to make sure that they know that you're there for them when they're ready to make those positive changes.

kristydi

I am the heaviest of my siblings. I'm also the oldest of 4. All three of my siblings are pretty fit and still athletic. They are very encouraging and supportive of my continuing weight loss when I bring it up. The one brother that I don't get to see often usually comments that I look great when he sees me.

If any of them had come to me before I started working on getting healthier, even in love and concern, I would have been horribly embarrassed and very hurt.

The only person whose weight you have to deal with is your own. I understand your concern, but your sisters won't change until they are ready. I would just let them that your happy to share what you've learned if they are ever interested. Don't let it become something you mention all the time. No one likes to be constantly reminded that they don't measure up to a loved ones expectations all the time.