How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?
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yikes....very controlling. Do they try to teach you ways to get "one step closer to being less nosey controlling and judgemental"? You really need to take a step back and realize we all have flaws whether physical or not. You may not be fat anymore, but you still have a lot of things to work on clearly.0
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Would you like it if you found out that they thought your weight was gross when they were all smaller than you?0
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It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.0
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It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.
NO, OP is a very caring, smart, level-headed individual. Clearly shows through her posts. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary, but hey, if it makes YOU feel better, whatever...0 -
SpockAdventures wrote: »Thank YOU guys for caring enough to respond and advise!
For now, I am going to sit back and work on maintaining neutrality toward their health. I realize they are all adults, they do have their own lives and that while I may feel like their mom from raising them, at the end of the day I am NOT their mother. Though, I will say from the few comments from people who have had siblings pass due to weight, if any start to develop health concerns that are directly connected to their weight and are serious, I will say something. I would rather hurt their feelings now and have them around later in life than protect their feelings and watch them die.
Thanks, again, everyone! You have all been very helpful!
I missed this, and now feel like my comment was a little late. That's a much more respectful attitude. My bad.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »
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I feel like a terrible person for it, but looking at them is part of why I am so dedicated to losing weight now. I think that the weight they have gained is...well....kind of gross (and I am so sorry if that is offensive, I don't LIKE thinking that about anyone, let alone my own family!), and I want to help them take care of themselves, but the oldest has undiagnosed mental health issues, probably bipolar like myself, so is incredibly emotionally unstable and can't even talk about MY weight loss efforts, let alone her own. The middle lives with her boyfriend and his family who are all over weight, happily so, and she just lives in that culture of fat acceptance, and my youngest....she's the one I'm most worried about...she is in plain old full out denial that she is overweight at all, when she would easily fall into morbid obesity with her BMI.
It may be a good thing she has fat acceptance, because there doesn't seem to much acceptance in other places.
And if you feel she has undiagnosed mental health problems, why does it bother you that she can't bring herself to speak to you about your weight loss efforts? When you are low, do you care about yourself or notice other people? When you are high, do you give a toss about what other people do, or are there far more important matters to attend to besides the circumference of your sister's backside?
It's good to chat on here with people that are in a similar boat, but for people in the real world, hearing people cr*p on about their weight loss is boring. Sometimes it's judgemental and offensive too. But mostly, it's actually really tedious, even from a loved one.
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It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.
NO, OP is a very caring, smart, level-headed individual. Clearly shows through her posts. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary, but hey, if it makes YOU feel better, whatever...
I think that someone can be a caring, smart, and level headed person and still sometimes come to a place where the things they do are more negative. In the first part of this thread she sounded like she was coming from a controlling and invasive place. However, she has been thoughtful and obviously cares for her family. I wasn't trying to condemn her as a bad person, I just thought she was coming from a bad place.0 -
It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.
NO, OP is a very caring, smart, level-headed individual. Clearly shows through her posts. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary, but hey, if it makes YOU feel better, whatever...
I think that someone can be a caring, smart, and level headed person and still sometimes come to a place where the things they do are more negative. In the first part of this thread she sounded like she was coming from a controlling and invasive place. However, she has been thoughtful and obviously cares for her family. I wasn't trying to condemn her as a bad person, I just thought she was coming from a bad place.
We all have a good and bad in them, I take no offense - we are all rather one dimensional on the internet, so can't expect strangers to be able to reasonably judge me as a whole person based on very limited information!
Can't we all just get along?!
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I have found with family members it is best to do your own thing dont nag don't talk about it unless they initiate conversation. Lead by example and when they see you doing well you will inspire them to do it to. Do not be pushy or say blatant things even if its true. You will catch them in a negative way against you and that you don't want. But do invite for walks just as a bonding experience or having them over for dinner tgey will definitely notice your changes and feel included in your lifestyle change.0
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SpockAdventures wrote: »It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.
NO, OP is a very caring, smart, level-headed individual. Clearly shows through her posts. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary, but hey, if it makes YOU feel better, whatever...
I think that someone can be a caring, smart, and level headed person and still sometimes come to a place where the things they do are more negative. In the first part of this thread she sounded like she was coming from a controlling and invasive place. However, she has been thoughtful and obviously cares for her family. I wasn't trying to condemn her as a bad person, I just thought she was coming from a bad place.
We all have a good and bad in them, I take no offense - we are all rather one dimensional on the internet, so can't expect strangers to be able to reasonably judge me as a whole person based on very limited information!
Can't we all just get along?!
Yeah we can If I came across too harsh, I apologize. Thanks for being understanding.
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I'm the youngest and fattest of my siblings. They are not necessarily healthier in their lifestyle- just aren't overweight. They don't eat better or exercise regularly. They have issues of their own. I don't tell them how to live their lives.
I would not like it if they said anything about how fat I am. I am an adult. I see myself every day. I know my issues. My siblings are not the people I am looking for coaching from in my healthy lifestyle journey.
If I were you, I would just lead by example. You could invite them to join you for an exercise class, a 5k race, or a weekly walk because it is fun spending time together and you like doing active things. You can share tasty healthy recipes you've found. If they come to you and ask for advice or support in making changes then that is different.0 -
You can't change anyone. If & when they are ready to change, and they ask for help, be there for them. That's about it.0
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Just losing the weight yourself will make you the best role model you can be. I know it takes time until others (especially family) notice the difference of your body shrinking but once they do they will be inspired by you (that is if they actually care about the fact that they have gained)
Some people just aren't ready to make big changes in their eating and lifestyle habits. Once they are actually ready to do something about the weight they will come to you. Each in their own time. You can't force anyone to lose weight0 -
SpockAdventures wrote: »TL;DR: How do you guys deal with siblings or loved ones that need help, either to gain weight or to lose weight, if you help at all?
You leave them the devil alone until they blasted well ask. They're not morons. You've got your hands full taking care of yourself. That whole saving someone from themselves narrative is arrogant and unloving. They probably all own scales and mirrors.0 -
I think I've inspired my brother with my weight loss. He has always been athletic and fit but recent years have made that more difficult for him. He texted me last week to tell me he had tried a really fun HIIT workout on YouTube and it turned out he had discovered one of my favorite fitness channels, Fitness Blender. It just happened that they were beginning a new 5 day challenge this past Monday so I asked him if he wanted to do it with me, even though we live 600 miles apart. He agreed, and we've been keeping each other accountable and on track all week so far via Facebook. It's been really fun and a great bonding experience (we both hate freaking SQUAT JUMPS!!!).
Hopefully those of you who are wishing your siblings were on board, will be the inspiration they need to join in and maybe work out and eat healthy right alongside you!0 -
Even though I think you would be best served to mind your own business about it, maybe you could just suggest an activity to do together. Tell them you were thinking about taking up hiking or something but don't want to do it alone and see if they would be willing to go with you. I wouldn't even mention their weight.0
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I'm sure they are aware. They know. Everyone knows when they've gained weight whether they admit it to you or someone else or not. They know. And I'm sure no one appreciates unsolicited advice, whether meant well or not. I know you want to help them, but unless they ask, I'd just try to keep it to yourself for now.
As for how I deal with my siblings and weight. My younger sister is a healthy weight, however, her boyfriend believes she needs to lose weight. So he made he go buy a gym membership, pay for personal training sessions, berates her for not losing fast enough, tells her she is not allowed to eat when she's hungry, etc. That, IMO, is AWFUL! So when she approached me about it, I tell her how I feel. Otherwise, what can you do? She came to me so I did talk to her about it. But alas, she is old enough to make her own decisions - if she wants to live like that...
I just mean, think this way, how would you feel if you were the other sibling and someone would approach you about it? Chances are you wouldn't like it, that you know already.
I hope this helps.0 -
Only read the TLDR. I don't comment on anyone's weight. If they ask, I'll help. Other than that, it's none of my business.0
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extremelygrumpycat wrote: »
I just mean, think this way, how would you feel if you were the other sibling and someone would approach you about it? Chances are you wouldn't like it, that you know already.
Every bit of input is helpful! See, I'm weird and I ask my friends and family to be honest when they have a concern about me, or to not *kitten* foot around things with me. I have mental illness so a lot of times I don't clearly see a situation that needs addressing, and that includes my weight and health. I think because I require that and ask others to do that for me, my instinct is to do that for those that I love as well - even though they may not need it. I know I can be overly forceful with my opinions and advice sometimes, and my family and I all publicly acknowledge this, so because we are all openly aware that sometimes I should exercise my inner filter more frequently, they also know I never mean anything to be mean or bad intentioned, and that even the harshest of criticism I might come up with, comes from a place of love. The weight thing I've talked a lot about with my middle sister - she has, from time to time, come to me and asked for help and because of that we have an ongoing conversation about healthy choices. Not specifically about weight, but healthy alternative foods and exercise and stuff. The other two we've never talked about it, so it is even weirder for me not to address since I have been with one of them. I dunno. I'm just keeping my mouth shushed for now. As I said earlier, though, if one does come up against a health concern that is potentially permanent or life threatening, I am removing the filter. I'd rather hurt their feelings in the immediate so they get medical help, than just accept that they are killing themselves slowly for the sake of our relationship.
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