How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?

for me I would only ever help someone that wanted help. Your sisters know if they are fat or not...you can't control their lives, maybe they like their size, it's not anyone's business but their own.

My sister is a lot bigger than I am, now....but in all honesty she owns her shape, she knows she needs to lose weight to be healthy, but i would only ever say anything if she wanted help...And regardless of her size, my sister is really freaking beautiful, she just is. She was gorgeous thinner and she is really freaking gorgeous bigger, maybe she just carries her weight well, I don't know, maybe she is just a really beautiful person inside and out, but she is just beautiful, and thats really how you should view your siblings regardless of their size...

Yes I do want her to be healthy but I can't make anyone healthy except for myself, but I could make them feel bad and make them never want to ask for help... There is a lot more to a person than just their weight.

Good luck OP, I hope your siblings figure it out and you get your mind all sorted out, I really understand where you're coming from, but I don't think that you're thinking about it in the right way.

I am the youngest boy of four and I have always been the bigger one. The oldest boy in my family has a perfect body. He's constantly in the gym lifting and if you saw him beside me, you wouldn't even believe we were related. He is healthy all the way around, but he was always supposed to be the one who has the responsibility, so he grew up faster than us. This is how he can be so disciplined.

The next oldest boyfriend is just average. He's not fat, chubby, muscular, or anything. He has toned his arms, but he's just average. When he takes his shirt off, you can see maybe a four pack.

Then the one just above me is a freaking toothpick. He is bony and many of us accuse him of being on meth because of his frame.

SpockAdventures wrote: »

njitaliana wrote: »

It also isn't your place to decide that someone else's weight is "gross." That attitude will surely come through if you speak to them about it.

You are likely right, and it's not my place, but I don't shy away from the judgments I make internally, one way or the other. Fact is, we all judge everyone else whether we want to or not. I have just learned to own that and recognize that these are snap judgments, not based on real understanding. I also am one that is not down with the recent "fat acceptance" movements - I do believe that morbid obesity is self/society-made and that there is no excuse for that kind of obesity, so yeah, I can be judgey. We all are, it's just the difference of whether or not one admits it.

You aren't exactly a twig yourself so who are you to judge?

SpockAdventures wrote: »

Just random note that made me very happy - while reading through this, my oldest sister and I have been talking and she freely told me without prompting she signed up for a gym membership, I asked her if I could give her one piece of advice on exercising and she said sure to which I told her that she just has to do it and not look for secret motivational tips. Just get it done. Just knowing that she is taking a step forward for herself lifts a part of that weight off my shoulders.

This made me happy.

It looks, from your ticker, like you just started. It's normal to feel excited and to want to share your excitement with people around you. It's a bit like when someone "finds Jesus" and just has to share what they've learned with everyone.

For someone who isn't looking for help it can be off-putting. If you want to approach it from a health perspective that's a little more doable, *if* you have that kind of relationship with them. I personally would not respond well to that and wouldn't do it. I definitely would not tell them you think they're gross.

I would wait until you've had success losing weight and maintaining for awhile. It's likely that when that happens you'll get asked what you did. I'll tell you though that most people don't like my answers when that conversation comes up, so don't expect too much.

In the meantime spend time with them, enjoy their company, invite them to do active things. And don't mention their weight.

If my sister had come up to me when I was unmotivated & sad, and told me I was unmotivated & sad looking, it would have accomplished nothing more than to damage our relationship.

I've got pretty thick skin, but my weight has always been a sensitive subject and I think it's that way for a lot of people, there's so many emotional issues tied into our weight/appearance.

She is 10 years my senior, our family does not have mental health issues & that still would have been one heck of a hurdle to get past. Do not recommend.

You need to leave them alone and not say *kitten*. It's not your place.

Nope. Actually, my brother lost about 75 pounds a few years ago and he never once brought up the subject that I should do it too. It was my own decision not even based on him.

I am also the oldest of four sisters. I am 10,13, and 15 years older. I have always been the fat one.
Sister#4 the baby, has never had a weight problem and she is very careful to maintain her weight.She has always been supportive of the rest of us with our weight struggles and I think seeing our struggle makes her determined to maintain her own weight.

Sister #3 has ALWAYS had a weight problem and I've always helped her with it when she's asked. Even though I was over 300 pounds I was still able to support her with her diet and weight loss attempts. Perhaps it was because of my weight that she allowed me to help her with her own. Because she knew that I understood her struggle and she knew I wouldn't judge her harshly. She's been as high as 230 and she's currently maintaining at 160ish which is a "happy weight" for her. We are each other's biggest cheer leaders.

Sister#2 concerns me. She was thin as a teenager due to dangerous dietary habits and gained a lot of weight during her 20s and coming into her 30s. When I was losing weight, she was my biggest concern because I've always been the fattest, then sister#3, then sister#2 then the always thin Sister#4.. But already sister#3 had become thinner than her so I felt almost guilty also becoming thinner than sister #2...Like I've upset the natural order of things. We've all wanted sister#2 to lose weight and take better care of her health for the past 8 years. She works WAY too much and has a terrible diet and we really worry for her health. It's not like I'm suddenly taken charge of my weight and I want to push it on everyone else. I tried to encourage her when I was 360 pounds... For me when it comes to weight misery DOES NOT love company and I definitely didn't want my sisters to share my struggles with weight. BEFORE when I was heavier than her, I felt more free to be able to discuss weight with her because she was smaller than me. Sister #3 felt the same way, Now that we're smaller than sister #2 has become a more delicate issue because she doesn't want her to feel bad. So all we can do is just keep on focusing on our own weight issues and health goals and include sister#2 as much as we can. If we're going to the gym, we don't exclude sister #2 just because she's not currently on an exercise program, We make sure she knows she's invited. If we're discussing nutrition, we don't avoid the topic simply because sister #2 is around. We try not to point out her weight but we don't try to tiptoe around it either. When sister #2 is ready to make changes, I want her to be comfortable enough to rely on me and our other sisters for support.

It's hard to see your sisters struggle but they're probably not in as much denial as you think. Just do your best to make sure that they know that you're there for them when they're ready to make those positive changes.

Would you like it if you found out that they thought your weight was gross when they were all smaller than you?

fadigdig wrote: »

It sounds like you're being controlling, passive aggressive, and invasive. And thinking that because you've had a caretaker role in their life it's okay to do those things. If you really want to help them, I would say give them the space to learn to care for themselves. They might need that more.

NO, OP is a very caring, smart, level-headed individual. Clearly shows through her posts. Your comment is unhelpful and unnecessary, but hey, if it makes YOU feel better, whatever...

SpockAdventures wrote: »

...

I feel like a terrible person for it, but looking at them is part of why I am so dedicated to losing weight now. I think that the weight they have gained is...well....kind of gross (and I am so sorry if that is offensive, I don't LIKE thinking that about anyone, let alone my own family!), and I want to help them take care of themselves, but the oldest has undiagnosed mental health issues, probably bipolar like myself, so is incredibly emotionally unstable and can't even talk about MY weight loss efforts, let alone her own. The middle lives with her boyfriend and his family who are all over weight, happily so, and she just lives in that culture of fat acceptance, and my youngest....she's the one I'm most worried about...she is in plain old full out denial that she is overweight at all, when she would easily fall into morbid obesity with her BMI.

It may be a good thing she has fat acceptance, because there doesn't seem to much acceptance in other places.

And if you feel she has undiagnosed mental health problems, why does it bother you that she can't bring herself to speak to you about your weight loss efforts? When you are low, do you care about yourself or notice other people? When you are high, do you give a toss about what other people do, or are there far more important matters to attend to besides the circumference of your sister's backside?

It's good to chat on here with people that are in a similar boat, but for people in the real world, hearing people cr*p on about their weight loss is boring. Sometimes it's judgemental and offensive too. But mostly, it's actually really tedious, even from a loved one.