How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?
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My sister is very closed with her feelings. If I dared bring up such a thing, she may cut me off altogether. It's too touchy a subject. People have to be ready in their own time. I kept my weight loss journey a secret from my sister for a whole bunch of reasons, and when she found out she has graciously celebrated my change. She asked a few questions about what it has been like. But I don't offer unsolicited advice. She's a smart woman.0
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There is just my sister and I however we have a few adopted siblings. Growing up my sister and I were never overweight - actually we were quite thin. When we blossomed, we stayed relatively thin but had curves. I being the oldest always had to watch what I ate and had to be mindful of my exercise. My sister gained weight a bit when she left for California but when she returned home - lost it.
- I think all family members hold concerns about the health of family members. I think the hardest thing any family member can do is criticize how another family member looks. You don't know what they are thinking or how they feel about the subject. A lot of times it can cause a rift in your relationship because it can make the other person(s) feel like because you've lost weight - you feel like your better than them.
- If your concerned and you've let them know of that - then leave them alone. You have done what you can, now you can just be a role model. When and if they are ready to do it for themselves they will. No amount of constant barrage will make them see things differently. It will only make them want to dig their heals in deeper and eat more.
- I am what you call an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, anxious, depressed, or just feeling ho-hum. So when my family gets on me about my weight - one might want to stay away from food but the need for comfort drives me back to the one thing that doesn't judge me - food.
- Sometimes people think that going on a diet means eating food without taste or limiting themselves and they don't want that. But by you showing them, that this is not the case, it may help them to see things differently.
- I have and had two adoptive twin sister. One pasted away some years ago to ovarian cancer but both were/are fuller figured than they would like to be. I can talk to her about losing weight and there is no problem. We can even find humor in our weight. She is one of a very few I can do that with. However, she has made attempts but have not succeeded. I don't harp on her about it. I let her bring it up or I may tell her about a conversation with another friend at work but I never direct the conversation towards her. That's not getting us anywhere.
- Support is just being there. Love and support means you understand and you move on and when they need you, you are there. Ultimately, it is their life - just like yours belongs solely to you. Just keep loving them and being that source of inspiration. That is all you can do.
- Also, stop looking at them and thinking they look gross. How would you like it if someone said I know itsfuntobenormal and she looks gross. Her weight is just gross. Although you may not say it around them, sometimes actions, facial features, tone of voice says so much more than actual words and sentences. If you wouldn't want or didn't like people saying that about you - don't put that label on them. They are beautiful because they are your sisters - you just have to help them to shine a bit brighter than they are.0 -
I have 3 sisters that are smaller than me, I'm the youngest. Its not that they are more active or even healthier, just smaller, anyway they have said things over my lifetime that has hurt my feelings. I really dont want them to say anything about my needing to lose weight. I even had 1 sister start on me about my weight years ago when I was still in hospital after delivering my daughter, she even bought some diet book there. It was inappropriate, I gave the book to another sister that came to hospital.0
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My older brother has a beer gut, an unfortunate hereditary trait on my father's side. My dad lost a lot of weight after cholesterol threats from the Dr., so I have the right to hold him accountable when he goes off the wagon, otherwise he has to go on meds. My brother just drinks, parties, and eats tonnes of processed junky food or goes out to eat hungover grease food with his friends. He's asked me for fitness tips countless times but has not once put in an iota of effort despite living walking distance of a gym, having a stationary bike in the next room (not to mention resistance bands, mats, an ab roller, kettle bell, jump ropes, leg weights), and that we don't keep treats in the house for the most part.
I think if you are really concerned, talk to your siblings! He complains about his fatness and his general loathing of his bad habits, so I always tell him, "you'd probably hate your life less if you got some endorphins from exercise and stop being a whiney brat. If you're going to have high standards for female dating material, you'll be alone forever as long as you're a childish fat sack of crap with 0 will power or self control". Of course every sibling relationship is different, but we've always been close friends and talked very...openly about our feelings haha. The only problem is that we always use humour, and he probably only half takes me seriously.
tl;dr: If they ask for your help, whoop them into submission: if they don't ask for help, approach with caution and tenderness from the bottom of your heart when expressing concern.0 -
My siblings (sisters) and I are open about communicating almost every subject, and I really don't care if my concern hurts their feelings, because I have the right to worry about their health (but I am always kind about the way I speak about weight or other delicate issues). That being said - my youngest sister lost weight because of her new job; I praise and congratulate her often. My middle sister passed because her weight increased her sleep apnea and her heart wasn't strong enough to wake her (we talked healthy foods, and I took her to work out as often as possible). I worry most now about my daughter, because she also gets sick often. That is why I asked her to join MFP, to balance her vitamins and minerals, and to support me in my weightloss journey.
If you ask your siblings to join you on MFP to help give you the support you need, they will likely see how their diets are detrimental, and will become interested in improvement.
And, looking around at Fairs and FleaMarkets and Walmart and such, I don't believe all people know when they are fat, or they wouldn't dress like some of them do.0 -
Rather than bringing up their weight issues it might be best to try and set a good example. Invite them on walks, to the gym or to exercise classes. Set aside a night every so often to get together and cook a healthy meal. These suggestions only work if you guys live close to one another....
I am also one of 4 sisters so I know where you are coming from. Even though you might feel like you are saying something out of love, your sisters might feel alienated or attacked if you call them out on their weight.
Hope this helps.0 -
itsfuntobenormal wrote: »No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.
I am a kind person, which is why I worry and care about their health and well-being. I don't care what they look like, I care that they are healthy.0 -
These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!0 -
MyChocolateDiet wrote: »I don't. My siblings weight is their business and they respect that mine is mine.
I wish mine had. My sister has spent most of my adult life nagging me about my weight, when it was none of her business.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I respectfully disagree, even though I know it toughest on you.
My sister thought she was being helpful, but did she really think I didn't know that I'd put on weight? Did she really think I didn't understand the health consequences of that? Her comments did not help at all, even though they were kindly meant, and as a result I've not told her that I have lost weight, because I want to reiterate that it's none of her business. I live over 3000 miles away, but it put an emotional distance between us that will not be repaired and wasn't there before.
They really do have to figure this out for themselves.
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The only thing you can really do is set an example for them and hope that they are inspired by you and follow your lead. Others have mentioned it already, but you can't force anyone to make healthy changes. They have to want it on their own.0
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Show by example. For all you know they're on their own weighloss journey right now and you don't even know it. Besides, they need to want to lose weight for themselves and not because you told them that they need to.
I have family members in denial about their weight as well so understand where you're coming from, but honestly the best thing you can do for them is to make your own healthy choices and hope they'll notice and inquire or be motivated to try it for themselves.0 -
Um... I think this person was trying to say you may not be as kind a person as you think you are because you think their weight gain is gross... and is suggesting you work on your mentality so that "gross" isn't your "gut reaction" even when you're "being honest".SpockAdventures wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.
I am a kind person, which is why I worry and care about their health and well-being. I don't care what they look like, I care that they are healthy.
That's not my opinion but I just wanted to pipe in...
Anyway... in my past, my family only congratulates each other as we lose weight and say nothing if we gain. Except my mom will point out to my dad that he has gained weight. It hasn't helped him "see the light" and I can tell he does NOT appreciate it though he doesn't say anything against her.
My recommendation is to leave it alone, especially given any psychological issues. They can have the discussion with you after their doctor brings it up. They can approach you and you can talk about it at that point in a positive way such as "Oh yay, we can work together then! It's more fun with a friend!".
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I'd love to have this problem, but I'm the fat one. Although, I'm way prettier than my skinny sister.
In my family, there is no such thing as sensitivity or a topic that is off limits. I wouldn't have to say something...my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins, granny would.0 -
dopeysmelly wrote: »SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I respectfully disagree, even though I know it toughest on you.
My sister thought she was being helpful, but did she really think I didn't know that I'd put on weight? Did she really think I didn't understand the health consequences of that? Her comments did not help at all, even though they were kindly meant, and as a result I've not told her that I have lost weight, because I want to reiterate that it's none of her business. I live over 3000 miles away, but it put an emotional distance between us that will not be repaired and wasn't there before.
They really do have to figure this out for themselves.
+1000
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What I've learned is you can't help anyone buy yourself. That said. Taking care of myself has unknowingly made me a roll model. My brother lost 50 pounds, because he said he didn't want to be the fat sibling. I have one friend that has joined me and is truly making great strides. Along the way though I've had many family members who want to do it and just can't or won't put in the effort. I've made peace with the fact that I only have control over myself.0
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SpockAdventures wrote: »It's so hard for me to not say/do anything. I kind of raised my sisters - absent/kind of crazy parents, I was the oldest, blah blah blah - so seeing them struggle or just give up, it's so hard! That maternal sensor kicks in in me and I become genuinely sickeningly worried. It's so exhausting, I just don't know that I can turn that off!
...though I agree that if you're overweight you know, and someone pointing it out can just be hurtful. Le sigh.
Let your sisters be. They are adults, their weight is their problem. They are not going to lose weight until they want to lose weight, there is nothing you can do. My mum tried a tough love approach - didn't work and actually made things worse. My best friend tried a not-so-subtle, "let's exercise together", "here are some ideas of low-cal meals". It annoyed me a lot!
When they want to lose weight, then you can be supportive and talk about it and try and help.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I am sure your sisters are aware of their weight. I find the "lead by example" patronizing and it would really irk me. People usually know what they should do, they just don't want/aren't able to do it.
They see you have lost weight, if they are interested in losing weight they are probably going to ask.
I am sorry for the double post but I feel strongly about this issue as it can kind of ruin relationship or bring a lot of tension.
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