How do you deal with siblings and yours/their weight?
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MyChocolateDiet wrote: »I don't. My siblings weight is their business and they respect that mine is mine.
I wish mine had. My sister has spent most of my adult life nagging me about my weight, when it was none of her business.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I respectfully disagree, even though I know it toughest on you.
My sister thought she was being helpful, but did she really think I didn't know that I'd put on weight? Did she really think I didn't understand the health consequences of that? Her comments did not help at all, even though they were kindly meant, and as a result I've not told her that I have lost weight, because I want to reiterate that it's none of her business. I live over 3000 miles away, but it put an emotional distance between us that will not be repaired and wasn't there before.
They really do have to figure this out for themselves.
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The only thing you can really do is set an example for them and hope that they are inspired by you and follow your lead. Others have mentioned it already, but you can't force anyone to make healthy changes. They have to want it on their own.0
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Show by example. For all you know they're on their own weighloss journey right now and you don't even know it. Besides, they need to want to lose weight for themselves and not because you told them that they need to.
I have family members in denial about their weight as well so understand where you're coming from, but honestly the best thing you can do for them is to make your own healthy choices and hope they'll notice and inquire or be motivated to try it for themselves.0 -
Um... I think this person was trying to say you may not be as kind a person as you think you are because you think their weight gain is gross... and is suggesting you work on your mentality so that "gross" isn't your "gut reaction" even when you're "being honest".SpockAdventures wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.
I am a kind person, which is why I worry and care about their health and well-being. I don't care what they look like, I care that they are healthy.
That's not my opinion but I just wanted to pipe in...
Anyway... in my past, my family only congratulates each other as we lose weight and say nothing if we gain. Except my mom will point out to my dad that he has gained weight. It hasn't helped him "see the light" and I can tell he does NOT appreciate it though he doesn't say anything against her.
My recommendation is to leave it alone, especially given any psychological issues. They can have the discussion with you after their doctor brings it up. They can approach you and you can talk about it at that point in a positive way such as "Oh yay, we can work together then! It's more fun with a friend!".
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I'd love to have this problem, but I'm the fat one. Although, I'm way prettier than my skinny sister.
In my family, there is no such thing as sensitivity or a topic that is off limits. I wouldn't have to say something...my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins, granny would.0 -
dopeysmelly wrote: »SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I respectfully disagree, even though I know it toughest on you.
My sister thought she was being helpful, but did she really think I didn't know that I'd put on weight? Did she really think I didn't understand the health consequences of that? Her comments did not help at all, even though they were kindly meant, and as a result I've not told her that I have lost weight, because I want to reiterate that it's none of her business. I live over 3000 miles away, but it put an emotional distance between us that will not be repaired and wasn't there before.
They really do have to figure this out for themselves.
+1000
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What I've learned is you can't help anyone buy yourself. That said. Taking care of myself has unknowingly made me a roll model. My brother lost 50 pounds, because he said he didn't want to be the fat sibling. I have one friend that has joined me and is truly making great strides. Along the way though I've had many family members who want to do it and just can't or won't put in the effort. I've made peace with the fact that I only have control over myself.0
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SpockAdventures wrote: »It's so hard for me to not say/do anything. I kind of raised my sisters - absent/kind of crazy parents, I was the oldest, blah blah blah - so seeing them struggle or just give up, it's so hard! That maternal sensor kicks in in me and I become genuinely sickeningly worried. It's so exhausting, I just don't know that I can turn that off!
...though I agree that if you're overweight you know, and someone pointing it out can just be hurtful. Le sigh.
Let your sisters be. They are adults, their weight is their problem. They are not going to lose weight until they want to lose weight, there is nothing you can do. My mum tried a tough love approach - didn't work and actually made things worse. My best friend tried a not-so-subtle, "let's exercise together", "here are some ideas of low-cal meals". It annoyed me a lot!
When they want to lose weight, then you can be supportive and talk about it and try and help.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »These have all been really interesting to read. I should clarify, when I say I think "Gross" I think gross in terms of how they are taking care of themselves - not in how they look. I don't care what they look like, they are amazing people that I adore. It's all about the choices they make that is gross. I should have been more specific with that.
I know that other people's weight isn't my business, but isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30, I'd like to have them around for a while! I tend to think that continuing to talk positively about my experiences, lead by example, and expressing my concern for their health are the best ways to deal with it. Personally, I think ignoring it and pretending like it's not something that is an issue is irresponsible because I am so close with them. I'd never say something like that to a stranger or a distant family member, but my husband, my sisters, people that have seen me naked at some point in our lives, those people I think deserve to know that someone cares, just not in a snotty, pushy way. That's just me though.
Thanks for all the thoughtful answers, these have all been great!
I am sure your sisters are aware of their weight. I find the "lead by example" patronizing and it would really irk me. People usually know what they should do, they just don't want/aren't able to do it.
They see you have lost weight, if they are interested in losing weight they are probably going to ask.
I am sorry for the double post but I feel strongly about this issue as it can kind of ruin relationship or bring a lot of tension.
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SpockAdventures wrote: »First and foremost, I originally posted this in chit-chat and then realized that probably wasn't the place for this....so yes, this is a duplicate, just to make that clear.
I am the oldest of four sisters. I've always been the chubbier one, and I'm sure that part of that is because I'm 6 years older than the next oldest, and 12 years older than the youngest. However, in the last year, my weight hasn't changed much, but all three of them have gained - and I'm not even joking - a minimum of 30lbs a piece. My youngest sister started college last year, and easily put on 60lbs. Even my oldest of the three, who has danced her whole life, put on like 30lbs over the last year.
I feel like a terrible person for it, but looking at them is part of why I am so dedicated to losing weight now. I think that the weight they have gained is...well....kind of gross (and I am so sorry if that is offensive, I don't LIKE thinking that about anyone, let alone my own family!), and I want to help them take care of themselves, but the oldest has undiagnosed mental health issues, probably bipolar like myself, so is incredibly emotionally unstable and can't even talk about MY weight loss efforts, let alone her own. The middle lives with her boyfriend and his family who are all over weight, happily so, and she just lives in that culture of fat acceptance, and my youngest....she's the one I'm most worried about...she is in plain old full out denial that she is overweight at all, when she would easily fall into morbid obesity with her BMI.
I want to serve as a positive role model, but just casually talking about my own efforts just doesn't seem to mean anything to them, or they just shut down and don't listen. I'm really good at tough love - like, I'm the one they come to when they know they need a reality check - but this kind of tough love could be really really psychologically damaging to generally unstable people already. (We have a run of genetic mental illness in our family on both sides....awesome for us, I know!)
TL;DR: How do you guys deal with siblings or loved ones that need help, either to gain weight or to lose weight, if you help at all?
Just curious.
You said that you've always been the chubbier one, and part of that is because you're 6 years older than the next oldest, and 12 years older than the youngest.
How is that, exactly? I don't understand how the age difference/birth order affected your weight.0 -
I'd not say anything myself. Ive always been the fattest one of my sisters. I am fast catching up with them now though and my youngest sister who I am closest with has decided to join me and join MFP. My other sister I am not close with I would not mention her weight to her even though she probably wouldnt choose to join either of us in eating or at the gym. Its just the way things are and things are often tense enough between us anyway without me chming in with 'could lose a bit of weight love!'0
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To be fair to the OP, I do think her situation is a bit different since she is older than her sisters, and by her own words, basically raised them due to absent parents. OP also said herself that she was unaware of how to be healthy until her BF taught her. Could be the same case with her sisters.
It's still a slippery slope and I can't advise what is best to do, particularly because each person is different and what may work with one sister won't with another. However, OP, I do think you have their best interests at heart. Set a good example, be open to their questions, but let them find their own path, just as you did (as hard as it may be to watch them become unhealthy).0 -
jayliospecky wrote: »Just curious.
You said that you've always been the chubbier one, and part of that is because you're 6 years older than the next oldest, and 12 years older than the youngest.
How is that, exactly? I don't understand how the age difference/birth order affected your weight.
The age difference because I'm only 31, so that means when I was 20, my younger sisters were 8 years old and 14. It wasn't until last year that we were all legal adults, and not me being a legal adult and them being growing children.
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Worry about yourself and lead by example. When they are ready they will make a change in their own lives, and not before. And if they never do, then that's on them. Just love them for who they are, and let the other stuff go.0
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To be fair to the OP, I do think her situation is a bit different since she is older than her sisters, and by her own words, basically raised them due to absent parents. OP also said herself that she was unaware of how to be healthy until her BF taught her. Could be the same case with her sisters.
It's still a slippery slope and I can't advise what is best to do, particularly because each person is different and what may work with one sister won't with another. However, OP, I do think you have their best interests at heart. Set a good example, be open to their questions, but let them find their own path, just as you did (as hard as it may be to watch them become unhealthy).
Thanks, I appreciate your taking the time to see that my situation, while not unique, also isn't the typical we happened to live in the same house together kind of relationship. We are all remarkably close - much more so than many siblings that I know, I'm sure having to do with my pretty much raising them.
And I do hear everyone else saying that they need to deal with it in their own time - and I also know that I can't make them do anything until they are ready to do something. I think maybe the fact that I actually can't do anything is exactly my problem, and I have been searching for a way around that, when there isn't.
Everyone has been so very thoughtful on this, whether you agree with how I feel or not, I really appreciate it all.0 -
SpockAdventures wrote: »isn't the health of people I love a reasonable thing to worry about? That's really where my concern lies....I don't want to see my sister's develop diabetes or heart problems by the time they turn 30
Are you wanting to say something to them to make them healthier...or to assuage your worrying?
I am the oldest child in my family. I gained 80 lb once I left home; my younger sister quickly followed suit once she did too. I've since lost the weight, but she hasn't. Obviously I'm concerned about her health.
1. How will my worrying about her help her make positive change in her life?
2. How can I convince her that she needs to change?
3. Do I know better than her what she needs to change and how? Do I know better than her what her stress levels, budget, free time, relationship status, cooking knowledge, body image, and detailed health report are?
4. How do I know if she is healthy or heading for disaster?I think maybe the fact that I actually can't do anything is exactly my problem, and I have been searching for a way around that, when there isn't.
There is something you can do: spend time with them, enjoy them for who they are, and be the best version of yourself you possibly can be.0 -
Except for my kids (who are adults), I gave up hoping for support or compliments from my family years ago. My daughter and her husband are extremely active and fit. She is probably my biggest cheerleader. 0
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sparklefrogz wrote: »Are you wanting to say something to them to make them healthier...or to assuage your worrying?
I am the oldest child in my family. I gained 80 lb once I left home; my younger sister quickly followed suit once she did too. I've since lost the weight, but she hasn't. Obviously I'm concerned about her health.
1. How will my worrying about her help her make positive change in her life?
2. How can I convince her that she needs to change?
3. Do I know better than her what she needs to change and how? Do I know better than her what her stress levels, budget, free time, relationship status, cooking knowledge, body image, and detailed health report are?
4. How do I know if she is healthy or heading for disaster?
I want to say something so they can be healthier, because I realize now how much better your life can be with positive changes. Since I started running and now that I'm taking control of my food intake for real, I feel amazing. I have more energy, I feel like I can do anything I want, I'm proud of myself, and I want them to feel those things too. I'll always worry about them - with the way we all grew up, I don't think that will ever stop. It's the second question you asked, HOW can I show her a change should be made that is most important to me. As far as #3 is concerned, my eldest of the three I think I do know better than herself - she has many times come to me because she doesn't know what to do, or is about to make a decision and wants me to help direct her because I can see longer term consequences than she can. The other two are harder, maybe because they are much younger, maybe not. And for #4, well, I can see health disaster for the youngest two - they are morbidly obese - at some time in the sooner than later future, and for the oldest, she puts a lot of weight on importance on her appearance I know she probably hates her weight gain, but is also really embarrassed to ask for help on things like that, and she recently had a devastating break up during which she would call me at 3am and talk for 2-3 hours at a time. She, I am POSITIVE, is on a fast track to a psychological disaster and her weight is going to play heavily into that, I fear. I've been working to get her psychological help, but she lives three hours away so there's only so much I can do.
At any rate, it's a sucky position to be in, no matter what your relationship with your sister is like...
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SpockAdventures wrote: »At any rate, it's a sucky position to be in, no matter what your relationship with your sister is like...
It is. My sister and I live in the same city, halfway across North America from our parents. I'm older enough than my sis that I have a lot of extra experience and perspective she's lacking. I'm also close enough to her that I see a lot my mom doesn't! There are LOTS of things I'd love to tell my sister that would vastly improve her financial situation, her relationship with her partner, her career, and make her healthier both physically and emotionally.
But she is a adult. She's not a child, and she's not my child (even if I feel like a surrogate mom at times). Her journey has to be her own, just like mine was. I'm not responsible for her -- SHE is responsible for HERSELF now. My job is not to change her, fix her, or help her grow up more painlessly than I did; these jobs are too big for me and belong to the universe/life/god. My only job now is to love her and be there for her. Besides, she knows where to find me if she wants my advice or help.
This is also true of my husband, who has been morbidly obese since he was eight years old, and my mother, who has struggled with weight, body image, and psychological issues around food for as long as I can remember.
I am not perfect at this. I still worry, I still get critical, I still think "if only s/he would ...then they wouldn't have that problem". But everyone's journey is their own, and I know how I react to unsolicited advice or well-intentioned "suggestions" and pushiness. (Hint: it doesn't result in me seeing the light, adopting the advice-giver's ideas wholesale, and seeing miraculous positive change in my life.)
Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm writing this more for you or for myself. :P Thanks for posting the topic. It made me think more about how I relate to my family members.0 -
From the time I had children, I was always heavier than my 14 months older sister. She was always at a healthy weight. After I had reached my highest weight (188), I slowly started exercising, eating less and losing weight. My sister gained about 25 extra pounds when I was on my way down and eventually was about 10 pounds heavier than me. I continued to lose until I got to my goal. During this time I told her how strange it was that I was actually thinner than she was. I told her she needed to shed those extra pounds for her health's sake. She finally decided that it wouldn't do that she was heavier so she got herself to WW and lost the extra!
I guess a little healthy competition between sisters really worked!
Now we are both at goal and maintaining and we are each other's biggest cheerleaders! At our ages-60 and 61 we want to stay healthy and fit as we grow older.
To the OP-my sister and I only spoke of weightloss when we needed support from one another. When your siblings are open to it-then by all means, offer support, otherwise, keep to your own journey and believe me-they will be aware of what you're accomplishing and do it for themselves when they are ready.0 -
^^^^^^^^If family/friends want help or encouragement with weight loss, they will ask for it. Until then, I don't say a word. I can't even imagine bringing it up. People know when they are fat. People know how to lose weight. We all have to decide on our own that it bothers us enough to do something about it. Having somebody point out your fatness is not helpful.
(*) THIS (*)
Forget being a light to your friends and family. Just work on you, make new connections and accept that old friends and family want you to fail. There're not happy for your achievement but jealous.
Hold your peace...
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SpockAdventures wrote: »itsfuntobenormal wrote: »No, I said YOU should worry about being a kind person and leave your sisters alone. Not worry about if they are kind.
I am a kind person, which is why I worry and care about their health and well-being. I don't care what they look like, I care that they are healthy.
Well, they are your family so of course you care. But....it's still THEIR lives and how they choose to live and eat is really not your business.
Today at my grocery store there was a woman who I guesses was about 45. She was using the store's motorized cart. She was at the very least 400 pounds. And I'll admit I glanced in her shopping basket - it was full of high calorie snacks and other not too healthy choices. I caught myself making judgement about her. I felt ashamed of myself because I know that but for the grace of goodness that could have been me. And I also reminded myself that what she chooses to eat is 100% not my business.
I think that just like any reformed person, being a new non smoker, a recovering alcoholic, or even a new religious convert; we just want to SHARE what we now know about our healthier lives. That old "If I can do it, you can too" thinking. But we have to remember that others' lives are NOT our business. Just my 2 cents.
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It isn't your place to say anything about anyone's weight. To do so is to risk ruining your relationship with your siblings. It also isn't your place to decide that someone else's weight is "gross." That attitude will surely come through if you speak to them about it.0
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My half sister is 16 years younger than me. Also 5-7 inches shorter than my 5'7" frame. I think she wears a two were as I've never been under a 7 and didn't look good then. I actually found MFP through my sister. She is just looking to lose a few vanity pounds. While I'm looking to improve my cholesterol numbers and become healthier. I'm glad she has been one of the supportive ones. I had too many cousins growing up calling me beached whale among other terms.
I would leave them alone. If they seek help then you can give them advice but remember they may not take it either.
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njitaliana wrote: »It also isn't your place to decide that someone else's weight is "gross." That attitude will surely come through if you speak to them about it.
You are likely right, and it's not my place, but I don't shy away from the judgments I make internally, one way or the other. Fact is, we all judge everyone else whether we want to or not. I have just learned to own that and recognize that these are snap judgments, not based on real understanding. I also am one that is not down with the recent "fat acceptance" movements - I do believe that morbid obesity is self/society-made and that there is no excuse for that kind of obesity, so yeah, I can be judgey. We all are, it's just the difference of whether or not one admits it.
[/quote]^^^^^^^^
(*) THIS (*)
Forget being a light to your friends and family. Just work on you, make new connections and accept that old friends and family want you to fail. There're not happy for your achievement but jealous.
Hold your peace...
[/quote]
Thank you, I forget to do that once in a while.
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My only sibling, a sister (18 months younger) was easily 140kg or more. She ate nothing but carbs and junk her whole life. She had some issues, so my parents (and everyone else) indulged her every whim thinking that not ever saying No to her was doing her a favour. She died of a heart attack at 37.0
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My only sibling, a sister (18 months younger) was easily 140kg or more. She ate nothing but carbs and junk her whole life. She had some issues, so my parents (and everyone else) indulged her every whim thinking that not ever saying No to her was doing her a favour. She died of a heart attack at 37.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of. No one ever saying anything, just looking the other way, and them either dying young or thinking people don't care about them. This is EXACTLY my fear.0 -
sparklefrogz wrote: »SpockAdventures wrote: »At any rate, it's a sucky position to be in, no matter what your relationship with your sister is like...
It is. My sister and I live in the same city, halfway across North America from our parents. I'm older enough than my sis that I have a lot of extra experience and perspective she's lacking. I'm also close enough to her that I see a lot my mom doesn't! There are LOTS of things I'd love to tell my sister that would vastly improve her financial situation, her relationship with her partner, her career, and make her healthier both physically and emotionally.
But she is a adult. She's not a child, and she's not my child (even if I feel like a surrogate mom at times). Her journey has to be her own, just like mine was. I'm not responsible for her -- SHE is responsible for HERSELF now. My job is not to change her, fix her, or help her grow up more painlessly than I did; these jobs are too big for me and belong to the universe/life/god. My only job now is to love her and be there for her. Besides, she knows where to find me if she wants my advice or help.
This is also true of my husband, who has been morbidly obese since he was eight years old, and my mother, who has struggled with weight, body image, and psychological issues around food for as long as I can remember.
I am not perfect at this. I still worry, I still get critical, I still think "if only s/he would ...then they wouldn't have that problem". But everyone's journey is their own, and I know how I react to unsolicited advice or well-intentioned "suggestions" and pushiness. (Hint: it doesn't result in me seeing the light, adopting the advice-giver's ideas wholesale, and seeing miraculous positive change in my life.)
Anyway, I'm not sure if I'm writing this more for you or for myself. :P Thanks for posting the topic. It made me think more about how I relate to my family members.
Wow this was an amazing post.
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Just random note that made me very happy - while reading through this, my oldest sister and I have been talking and she freely told me without prompting she signed up for a gym membership, I asked her if I could give her one piece of advice on exercising and she said sure to which I told her that she just has to do it and not look for secret motivational tips. Just get it done. Just knowing that she is taking a step forward for herself lifts a part of that weight off my shoulders.0
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