Should you leave your OH if they are not supportive?
K8Y88
Posts: 48
My partner is not supportive at all he never puts me down but he will always buy me take outs/ give me massive portions ect (I don't eat them all and say no) but I just want a bit of support! He is a bit of a slob doesn't eat any fruit of veggies doesn't exercise I'm not asking him to id just a bit of encouragement for myself. I have not been happy with my weight for a while and if I'm totally honest it is making me depressed I am going to make sure I still to my goals this year
I just wanted to know if anyone is in this same position?
I just wanted to know if anyone is in this same position?
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I've been in that position. I think most people feel bad about themselves when they see others making an effort to lose weight. My boyfriend is the same way eats a lot of fast food and sits on the computer all day. He would ask me every time he went out if I wanted anything and in the beginning I would say something but now I've worked up the strength to say no. You've just got to be stronger and let him know how important this is to you. I've also learned letting him know what foods I can and can't eat helps too. During Christmas he would let everyone know I couldn't eat a certain food, it was nice.0
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Not in the same position currently, but have been in the past with an ex, why dont you suggest you both lose weight, do it together, tell him straight your watching what your eating and hes not making it easy, and he needs to get behind you in this, cause it means so much to you hunni x0
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What he does doesn't matter for your progress. Are you expecting him to basically do exactly as you do? He needs to live his own life according to his own priorities as well. I live with my parents, my mom eats way too much and my dad doesn't eat enough while not eating enough protein. Neither of them exercise. Hasn't stopped me from losing over 25lbs.
Get your own servings (since that's really the only way you'll be able to accurately log it anyways, assuming you weigh your food). Eat your own food. Do your own thing. No one in my family weighs food or lifts weights, I'm not planning on making them do any of that.
If he buys you take out, then if it doesn't fit into your calories for today then log it for tomorrow and eat it tomorrow, and thank him for buying you food. Or simply ask him to call you when he goes to buy food so that you can choose what you want or decide against it entirely.
And as a general comment, it's really not all that smart to not eat foods you enjoy just because you're trying to lose weight. If you enjoy take-out and you buy it sometimes, then eat it. CICO still works with junk food and fast food.0 -
Ana as I said in my post I'm not expecting or asking him to do what I am, I couldn't care if he wants to be obese whereas I am tired of it and want to change for myself0
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I'm married to that person. You can't expect him to give you that support. You need to keep saying why it matters to you, and explain that healthy food makes you feel good about yourself, etc. You need to find the courage in yourself to tell him you don't want the foods he brings you, and eventually he will stop and start bringing you stuff you will eat. Everytime he tries to to give you something you don't want you just need to be firm and say "thank you for thinking of me, but I have to follow through with my commitment to myself"0
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You leave your OH if you don't love him and communication has broken down
Why is your title so dramatic?0 -
Have you communicated how you'd like him to support you in your efforts and how his actions feel to you?
No one here can give you lasting relationship advice because we're not living it, but having known my partner for half my life, I know one thing: people aren't mind readers. TALK about your needs.0 -
What he does has no impact on what you do. If he buys you food, just don't touch it. Eventually he'll get the hint.
And, well, talk to him, and explain to him that it bothers you if he keeps buying you foods that you're trying to avoid, and ask him to stop (but make sure to tell him that he's perfectly allowed to get himself what he wants, but you'll just make your own food). As the poster above said, communicate. If that doesn't help, then yeah, that's another issue completely.0 -
I think you need to sit down and talk to him, especially if he is not listening to you and respecting your wishes and you openly describe him to others as a "slob." Sounds like there's quite a bit going on there that needs to be addressed.0
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What he does doesn't matter for your progress. Are you expecting him to basically do exactly as you do? He needs to live his own life according to his own priorities as well. I live with my parents, my mom eats way too much and my dad doesn't eat enough while not eating enough protein. Neither of them exercise. Hasn't stopped me from losing over 25lbs.
Get your own servings (since that's really the only way you'll be able to accurately log it anyways, assuming you weigh your food). Eat your own food. Do your own thing. No one in my family weighs food or lifts weights, I'm not planning on making them do any of that.
If he buys you take out, then if it doesn't fit into your calories for today then log it for tomorrow and eat it tomorrow, and thank him for buying you food. Or simply ask him to call you when he goes to buy food so that you can choose what you want or decide against it entirely.
And as a general comment, it's really not all that smart to not eat foods you enjoy just because you're trying to lose weight. If you enjoy take-out and you buy it sometimes, then eat it. CICO still works with junk food and fast food.
^^^^^ THIS
My other half is supportive, but he's at the opposite end of the spectrum, he needs to gain.
So I don't need him to eat like I eat. I don't need him to do what I do in order for me to do it. I work out all the time, he doesn't.
Might not be so much that he's not supportive, just that he's doing what he's always done. You've learned you can't do that anymore, so don't.
You do you. Maybe one day your guy will get motivated when he sees your progress and how good you feel, maybe not.0 -
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Well yes and no. If my husband kept bringing my trigger foods home FOR ME, knowing I'm trying to limit them, and especially after I told him not to, I would be peeved, honestly. Excuse or not, it's harder to resist when it's here, and if a SO does that repeatedly, I don't think it's particularly healthy for a relationship.0 -
My partner is not supportive at all he never puts me down but he will always buy me take outs/ give me massive portions ect (I don't eat them all and say no) but I just want a bit of support! He is a bit of a slob doesn't eat any fruit of veggies doesn't exercise I'm not asking him to id just a bit of encouragement for myself. I have not been happy with my weight for a while and if I'm totally honest it is making me depressed I am going to make sure I still to my goals this year
I just wanted to know if anyone is in this same position?
Sit down and have a talk with him/her saying exactly what you just said to all of us. Beating around the bush will get you nowhere, dropping hints in hopes "he/she gets it" doesn't work either. Be an adult and sit down and say "this is how I feel and why" I need you as my spouse to support what I need"
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Just because a spouse is non supportive via apathy route, that doesn't seem like grounds for break up. I'm aware that there are three sides to a story so just going by what the OP is saying.
Well yes and no. If my husband kept bringing my trigger foods home FOR ME, knowing I'm trying to limit them, and especially after I told him not to, I would be peeved, honestly. Excuse or not, it's harder to resist when it's here, and if a SO does that repeatedly, I don't think it's particularly healthy for a relationship.
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Ana as I said in my post I'm not expecting or asking him to do what I am, I couldn't care if he wants to be obese whereas I am tired of it and want to change for myself
Then you have to be an adult and make your own choices. Like I said, serve yourself at meals. Choose which items from a fast food place you'd like to eat, or figure out how much of it you can eat today and save the rest. My dad has on occasion come home with a pizza for me (only has 4 slices and is one of the few gluten-free options that I like and that doesn't upset my stomach) without my planning for it. If I can see that it fits into my day then I'll eat it. If I can only fit 1-2 slices in then that's all I'll eat.
Your partner is not doing anything wrong. He can eat what he likes. If you don't want the food he brings, then that's on you to make the decision. I took over for most of the cooking in the house now so that I can have control of caloric intake - so I can weigh everything and weigh the dish's final weight so I can appropriately figure out a proper serving that works for my macro and caloric needs.0 -
To answer your question: no, you shouldn't leave him. Unless there are deeper issues that can't be resolved or remedied, this would be a pretty silly reason to leave your partner. If you are doing something for yourself, stop expecting others to put on their cheerleading costumes. Yes, it's nice, but it's not crucial for success.
I'm the only person in the house who is trying to lose weight. My mother is an avid cook and would make and bake all kinds of high calorie delicacies quite often. If I can eat it that day, I do, if I can't I don't and just prepare my own meal. It's that simple.
My sister knows I love certain sweets and high calorie snacks, so she brings me some from time to time. It makes me happy she thought of me, just as happy as I feel when she calls me up and tells me the store has some kind of new whole grain or bran (I love grains).
This issue is really simple to resolve: sit with him and have a talk. Tell him you are trying hard to lose weight, and that it would make you happy and healthy. That you don't expect him to change anything about his diet, and that you appreciate him thinking of you buying you whatever he buys for himself, but that it would be much better and you both would be happier if he asks you before buying takeouts, to plan your food accordingly and see if you can have it that day.
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because you are asking if you should end a relationship basically over your partner buying you unwanted fast food. Which you can still eat, by the way, and lose weight. Unless I've actually hallucinated all of those donuts and chips and popcorn and candy and muffins and cinnamon buns....0 -
*head scratch* Have you TOLD HIM what you want from him. I'm just an old lady and all, but after having been around the lighthouse a few times in the stormy seas of romance, I can say that asking specifically for what you want can be really awesome.0
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You can leave your partner whenever you want and you don't need to give a reason.
How long have you been together? Is this the only problem? How are other aspects of your relationship?0 -
The decision just isn't that hard. Do you want this person around? Are you happy with them?
If you aren't happy or just don't want them around anymore, Yes, you should break up with them. You deserve to be happy. They deserve to be with someone who is happy with them.
I'm the Queen of letting it go too long, wanting to dump someone but not wanting to hurt them. It's not easy. But, when you're sure it's not working out, you need to just tell them. Rip the bandaid off, don't let it get eked off, in the little-by-painful-little way.
If the person is a jerk, that's easy. "I don't love you. We fight. You're a jerk. I want you gone. Have a nice day." If they're a jerk you're dating, you can do it on the phone or via text. If they're a jerk you're married to, it can be done via lawyer. "This is your notice that we are over." So easy to dump jerks.
When you think they're a fantastic person, it's so, so much harder. It's awkward, uncomfortable and painful for both sides. But if it needs to be done, just do it. Don't drag it out. That's harder for everyone. Have the backbone and respect for that person to break up with them, in person.
You just have to decide what you want and then take action. Not always so easy to decide, but only you know what you want, so you have to boil it down. Do I want this person around? Do they make me happy?0 -
I don't think this has to be something you break up over but it kind of sounds like you are feeling pretty negative about him in general. What are his good qualities? What reasons do you have to stay with him? If you don' t like him, or his lifestyle, that much then maybe you should seperate from him.
Talk to him about your goals. Prelog different foods and show him your food diary so he can see what fits. Plan meals in advance with him. If he doesn't like vegetables that doesn't prevent you from eating them. Plan take out once a week to compromise- eat smaller portions.
Don't eat the food you really don't want to eat. Say " thanks for thinking of me. This doesn't fit my plan for the day unless I exercise for another hour. Would you like to join me in exercise, or you can eat it alone or shall I save it for tomorrow?"0 -
I agree that this is tough.
What I eventually did was stop shopping for the foods that were going to set me off, and I asked my husband to keep "his" snacky things in his college fridge. He does eat them in front of me, but they're not there staring me in the face every time I open a cabinet or the fridge. I also just started saying "no," or ordering something healthy from the menu if he said he wanted takeout.
And then again, sometimes I DO have junky takeout with my husband. I just eat way less of it (counting the calories, obviously), and have a giant salad or broccoli on the side.0 -
Does he know that you are trying to change your eating habits? How long have you been at this and how long has this been a problem? If the two of you have been together for awhile and the takes outs have been a part of a regular routine he may just be getting them for you out of habit, or that he doesn't know that you are trying to change. Either way you need to be communicating your concerns to him. Nothing is going to change if he doesn't know it's an issue for you.0
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I second the questions regarding exactly how you've presented this to you OH. Have you really, clearly told him that this is important to you, and that it is very hard for you to resist when he brings home tons of food? Or do you just kind of sigh and look down and maybe mutter "But I'm trying to lose weight," to which he's bound to respond "Oh, you can have just a little" (I only bring this up because this is how I used to handle it, LOL)? Because a reaction more along those lines will tell him, "She really wants this, and I really want to make her feel happy, so I'll tell her it's okay."0
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Does OH think you are supportive of all of their goals? Probably not.
Do you think they should leave you because of it? Probably not.
So I'm not sure this is really about being...supportive.
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There's a difference between not actively supporting and actively undermining. I can't imagine being with someone who deliberately sabotaged my goals.0
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What he does should not matter. Based on your description, I think it is unfair to say he isn't being supportive. He is being polite. If your partner goes out to buy food...whatever that food is... it would be strange if they did not at least ask you if you wanted something. If he is used to serving large portions, why should he change what he considers a portion for you? You're a grown up...put your own food on the plate and just say no when he asks if you want anything.
This isn't that complicated. Should you leave him? If you don't enjoy being with him, yes. Otherwise, suck it up and take responsibility for what you eat.
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Ya, just break up. You know you want to...0
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