Dealing with people who try to derail you.

JVS1

I know this topic comes up a lot, but I just need a little rant.

I need to lose weight having been told in October that I probably have idiopathic intracranial hypertension (increased pressure in the skull cause by too much cerebro-spinal fluid), which is putting my sight at risk. This diagnosis was confirmed last month following a lumbar puncture and I have now started medication. Apparently the best treatment is weight loss. I have lost 18lbs since October and need to lose a further stone (14lbs) to be at the higher end of the normal BMI for my height. Ideally, I'd like to lose a further 20lbs. I can't think of a better incentive to lose weight than ridding myself of this unpleasant condition and coming off the nasty medication.

I haven't talked about dieting at work, although people know my diagnosis, as we're a small, (generally) friendly team and I've needed time off for scans and tests, but having returned from 2 weeks' holiday leave, it's apparent my weight loss has now been noticed.

The same colleague who habitually tells people who are slimming that they don't need to lose any more said the same to me today. Unsurprisingly, she's overweight herself, but she says it whatever weight anyone is when she can see they're starting to lose some. She said the same to another colleague this time last year, who just smiled and carried on losing 30lbs, which she has kept off.

I currently weigh 11st 10lbs (164lbs) and at 5'5, I'm still overweight! I certainly don't look skinny either, just slimmer than I did before. I just said 'I'm being guided by the doctors on this as it's the best treatment for my condition' but she laughed and said 'oh, they say that to everyone! You really don't want to lose any more!'. I changed the subject then, as I wasn't prepared to listen to any more negativity, but I'm still feeling frustrated. I don't comment on her weight! It won't put me off what I'm doing, but I still find it irritating, which is also bad for my condition, as my head starts pounding when I feel stressed or annoyed.

Anyone else had this delightful experience recently, and if so, how did you deal with it?

zac775

Mate, dont let her derail you, if this weight loss is going to help you in a medical sense then just do it. Dont bother with her, the only reason she is saying this, is to make herself feel better about her own look, she doesnt want to be noticed at work. If you work in a place and all about the same weight, size etc. Then she can blend in, when the people around her start to change, then her comfort zone changes and poeple start to notice her, for the what she thinks is the wrong reason, and she doesnt want to deal with her own weight issue.

So stick at it mate, dont let her stop you as you are traveling in the right direction and for the better.

Good luck and take care.

Alatariel75

Say "thanks for your input" and move on. It's a woman at work, she shouldn't have any effect on your goals, particularly when it involves medical issues.

LadyRN76

People will constantly try to derail you - sometimes unknowingly - sometimes in spite. Let it go - focus on your goal and why you are getting healthy. In the end - the only one that matters is you. Your opinion, your body, yourself. Best of luck!

20yearsyounger

Misery loves company. Focus on what you need to do to live a healthy life.

JVS1

Thanks for your reply, zac, that's really helpful. You're right about her blending in. Before me and the other colleague started to lose weight, she was probably the 4th heaviest out of the 6 of us in our team, but now she's moved up to second place, so I suppose her way of dealing with it is to try and keep us up in the overweight ranks with her, instead of her joining us in the slimmer ranks! Thanks again for your support.

JVS1

Thanks for your replies everyone - ironic that we both work in a doctors' surgery!

uconnwinsnc1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NH15p2dqvJk

You'll be surprised how many people in life try and get in your way. **** them.

sheldonklein

Sounds to me like she was trying to be nice. Would you rather that she say "lose another 25 pounds and you won't be fat"?

SD2bfit

First off, CONGRATULATIONS on reaching your first milestone goal!

I work in healthcare, too. I have found the setting I work in greatly influences the attitudes of my coworkers towards a healthy lifestyle. Doctors offices and hospital workers surprisingly have the worst attitudes towards healthy eating and exercise. Don't listen to them! Surround yourself with like-minded people, like this discussion board on MFP. Read motivating stories and quotes to keep you on track. Stay focused on your medical goal. I remember when Oprah was trying to lose weight, even ran a marathon. Then, one day, she finally gave up and said she was happy with who she was. She let women believe its okay to be obese.

Well, it's not. It contributes to health conditions and makes people suffer, especially as they age. I see it every day at my work, taking care of these people. That's what motivates me the most--I don't want to become my patients, with all their medical conditions and chronic diseases, medications, and negativity. I will never be super skinny, but I can be a good role model for my patients, my friends, and especially my young nieces and nephews. Maybe this will help you keep your focus. But definitely, don't let this woman derail you. Focus on the people that keep encouraging you to reach your goals. We are here for you!

JVS1

sheldonklein wrote: »

Sounds to me like she was trying to be nice. Would you rather that she say "lose another 25 pounds and you won't be fat"?

If she'd said that, I would have directed her towards the mirror. I would prefer it if she said nothing at all to be honest. I wasn't inviting any comment on my weight, just as I don't comment on hers. She started the conversation 'You're looking very skinny now (which I'm clearly not), but you need to stop losing now as it's starting to be too much' - er, hardly, when I have my doctor, my mirror, my clothes and my scales saying the opposite. Didn't feel very nice. Others have just remarked in passing - "You look like you've lost some weight - well done, you're looking much better for it!" which I would consider to be nice comments, if people feel they must comment at all.

SD2bfit wrote: »

First off, CONGRATULATIONS on reaching your first milestone goal!

I work in healthcare, too. I have found the setting I work in greatly influences the attitudes of my coworkers towards a healthy lifestyle. Doctors offices and hospital workers surprisingly have the worst attitudes towards healthy eating and exercise. Don't listen to them! Surround yourself with like-minded people, like this discussion board on MFP. Read motivating stories and quotes to keep you on track. Stay focused on your medical goal. I remember when Oprah was trying to lose weight, even ran a marathon. Then, one day, she finally gave up and said she was happy with who she was. She let women believe its okay to be obese.

Well, it's not. It contributes to health conditions and makes people suffer, especially as they age. I see it every day at my work, taking care of these people. That's what motivates me the most--I don't want to become my patients, with all their medical conditions and chronic diseases, medications, and negativity. I will never be super skinny, but I can be a good role model for my patients, my friends, and especially my young nieces and nephews. Maybe this will help you keep your focus. But definitely, don't let this woman derail you. Focus on the people that keep encouraging you to reach your goals. We are here for you!

Totally agree - I'm amazed by the increasing size of our healthcare staff in the UK, not sure about the US. My husband and family are very supportive of what I'm doing, so I'm definitely focusing on them. Thanks for your support.

ninerbuff

Old saying "Hang around dogs and sooner or later you'll get fleas". Honestly, the best thing to do is say "Thanks" and continue with what you're doing. There are people out there that believe that the advice they give will be precious to the person they're telling to. Many times it's not the right advice.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

JVS1

ninerbuff wrote: »

Old saying "Hang around dogs and sooner or later you'll get fleas". Honestly, the best thing to do is say "Thanks" and continue with what you're doing. There are people out there that believe that the advice they give will be precious to the person they're telling to. Many times it's not the right advice.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Yes, I think I'll be taking a leaf out of the other colleague's book, who smiled and continued to lose her 30lbs. The colleague who made the comment to both of us is actually a really lovely lady in so many ways, who is great team player, as well as being excellent at her job, which is why I've probably taken her remarks more to heart than someone else I don't really care about. I suppose we all have our Achilles heel and her own weight is hers.

Thanks for all the replies, guys!

Gigglegirl220

I can understand your frustration. I have a boyfriend that likes to keep me chubby. Unfortunately, I have type 2 diabetes and need to lose weight. Both my mom and grandmother died very young due to health issues. I don't want to follow in their footsteps. I have realized that I need to make smart choices for myself. I have let other people influence my decisions all of my life and I need to start living for myself. Others can either be happy with my success and support me or they can get out of my way. That is my new attitude for 2015!!!
Good luck to both of us!!!!

xmarye

I could be mad when my husband tries to hand me donuts, but instead it just makes me even prouder to have such self-control. Just yesterday, he was telling me ''come on, it's just one. You have lost so much already, you deserve it. '' No, what I deserve is to be comfortable in my own skin. To be confident to go out and get the things I want (like a new job). Don't get me wrong, my husband is all over really supportive and proud of me. But even him sometimes isn't perfect. He definitely isn't on a diet and I can't take that against him. I am the one with a weight problem, by my own fault, and now the matter is in between my hands to change that if I'm not okay with it.

khr771

Offer to show her MFP.

JVS1

Gigglegirl and xmarye, you are absolutely right. I'm certainly using it as incentive to continue on my journey - I just feel better for having had a little rant! Good luck to you too!

khr771 - I would probably do that if she asked me how I was doing things as she wanted to make changes in her own life, but I generally don't like to give unsolicited advice, particularly as I would probably be told I shouldn't continue with this hideous devilry!

Serah87

I don't allow people to derail me, I just "let it go", LOL, in one ear and out the other ear.

leggup

I agree with everyone saying that she sees you rejecting your situation and misery loves company. That said, if it legitimately bothers you, you could privately talk to her and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when she talks about your weight. I don't know if she'd take you seriously (she sounds.. tactless) or laugh you off, but it's something to consider. I use the "broken record" technique for people who make me uncomfortable in life.

msf74

JVS1 wrote: »

another colleague this time last year, who just smiled and carried on losing 30lbs, which she has kept off.

JVS1 wrote: »

if so, how did you deal with it?

You should have asked your colleague. She sounds like she has it sussed.

slucki01

just follow your colleague's example: "who just smiled and carried on losing 30lbs, which she has kept off."

callyart

I have people who tell me not to worry because they think my weight is fine. All I want to achieve is a normal BMI and to feel healthier and happier, and I put that over every thing anyone else says to me.

I would definitely consider privately telling her how you feel. I would think that she's probably concerned that she can't lose weight so she wants the people around her to stay the same. Maybe you can explain how you are finding your weight loss journey? It might encourage her to give it a go and give you someone to talk to about the weight loss.

I was encouraged by a friend who went from around 16 stone to under 11 stone in 2 years. At the time I didn't understand why she wanted to keep losing after losing a couple of stone, but then I started to gain a bit more and realised I was heading to where she used to be and that she had done it for a reason, and she really gave me a kick up the backside just by indirectly showing me how great a person can feel and be by losing weight. I started to do it and then another friend of mine followed. We're all the smallest we've been in years (we were all overweight in college) and we're all amazed at how great we've done

JoRocka

punch her in the face.


just kidding.




(or not)


Really people don't like seeing successful REAL changes. It throws into sharp contrast their inability to implement the same results in their life. So while they aren't consciously trying to put you down- pull you down- or stop you- they subconsciously are feeling bad about themselves- and what you did was "good enough"

Smile and say thank you and move on.


If they push the issue - resort to my first option listed.

Or well- come back and we'll give you some significantly more snarky things to say. Because that ALWAYS works.

Good luck on your continued journey!!!

gothchiq

I get people attempting to sabotage me all the time. I just give them a stern look and say "I am following my doctor's orders. This diet and weight loss are medically necessary." I mean, it's true. They still try to say "just one twinkie won't kill you," I say "no, I won't do that."

cebreisch

My dad used to say something to the effect of "Best to shut mouth and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt." Don't let that fool derail you. Whatever it is, it's part of her own insecurity.

I remember telling people at work where I wanted to get down to, and they said something to the effect of "There won't be anything left of you!" I said, "That's the point!"

My husband got down to about 130 and people were telling him he didn't look healthy. Well, admittedly, he should have been eating a little more due to the amount of exercise he was doing, but he was still within the healthy BMI range.

You replied with an appropriate answer, and she still kept going. Just move on. You know what you're doing, why you're doing it, and you're successful. You're on the right path and doing the right things - and that's all you need.

ironblossom

I would just say something like "I hear you" or "I'll consider that" that way she feels like her concerns are being taken seriously by you and then you walk away and go right on taking care of and feeling good about yourself.

I know a woman who is sort of related to me (by two marriages) who was always overweight and always wanted a boob job, so she got a personal trainer and a dietician and worked really really hard to get super skinny and looked great, got the boob job and a little lipo while she was at it. She looked great! But she has now put back on about 20 pounds. She still would look great if she purchased clothes that fit, but she keeps trying to wear size 4s while she's now a solid 6-8.

Regardless, during the same time period, I've lost about 40 pounds and I have about 40 to go. I'm doing it slower but I'm definitely hoping to keep it off! (I also work, she doesn't, and there are other factors that keep me just a lot busier.) So what was my Christmas gift from her this year? Food. Fudge. Sugar cookies, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, various other candies. Popcorn.

I walked out of the house and looked at my husband and just laughed. I told him, get this stuff out of my sight, or I'll eat it all! And we got home and over the next 4 days I did indeed eat. it. all.

So it worked, her little derail worked.

I have my own opinion about her reasons, but the bottom line is that it worked because I let it. I could have put it away, I could have had my husband take it to his office. I didn't. And I'm paying for it. She's not! She didn't get heartburn because she ate two pieces of fudge and a handful of sugar cookies before bed! She didn't watch the scale creep up pound after pound!

So think about who's going to pay if you listen to your derailers. Are they? No. You are. You know what you need to do, you know what's good for you. You, and your doctor, know where you need to be. Ignore the jealousy, ignore the "you're fine/beautiful/fit/healthy just the way you are!" If you were fine/beautiful/fit/healthy, you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't care if someone said that to you.

gothchiq

And the remark about "not listening" to your doctor? OMG. I would have to challenge that. I might tell her there is a good reason why doctors are giving this advice. While staring at her midsection.

dakotababy

Whether or not it is medically necessary - who cares? It really is none of your co-workers business. I would not even stoop to giving an explanation as to why you want to get healthy? (does a person really need one?!)

In the beginning, I felt like many people were sabotaging my efforts. I just kept on going, and looked to MFP for support and like-minded people to talk to during this journey. Often, when someone tells you not to lose weight, it is due to their own insecurities. (Unless they have a legitimate concern about eating disorders...which I think this is more of a family thing, not a co-worker discussion).

Unknown

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PRMinx

I would lose the mentality of "someone is trying to derail me." That gives over too much power to other people. Just do you. People say stupid sh&t all the time. That's life.

Paix_Amour

You're protecting your sight and your health. Your doctor has told you this is the BEST for you. Your primary reason is not esthetics, like it is for a lot of people. Haters are going to hate, and she's probably jealous that you're losing weight and she's not (agree with zac775!). Stick to it. You're doing the right thing, and you DEFINITELY have my full support!!