Increasing calories defriended for low intake
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »furioushummingbird wrote: »I go out of my way to point out they need to eat more, post helpful links and if they get angry or refuse to take advice and continue to undereat, I unfriend them.
Couldn't care less what people think of me for it. There's a clear disclaimer on my profile that states what I will and won't support.
oh yeah, i wouldn't friend someone with your disclaimer in the first place.
I'm wondering why you feel it's okay to point out why you wouldn't be friends with someone, but when someone does so with you - you get defensive and sarcastic.
It's odd.
I also think perusing the link FFF posted is a good idea. I don't know you well at all - but from an outsiders view, you seem to be very caught up with being "skinny". It's a concern, IMO.
Isn't her high level of irony simply amusing. She says others are to sensitive because they were bothered by a comment she made on her page because they found it annoying and yet at the same time she said that she gets annoyed when people say annoying things. But I suppose that doesn't make her sensitive, amirite?
Then in another thread she says she wants everyone to get along and in this thread she said if someone comments on her page with something she doesn't like she will tell them off.
She seems like a real pleasure to be around irl.
well, if someone confronts me with the intention of defriending me that isn't them trying to get along. that is them trying to change me and no thanks.
Someone making a comment you don't agree with isn't defriending you, it's making a comment. You can chose to ignore it, but you chose to tell them off instead. Seems reasonable.
if they make a comment directly towards me that's insulting, i will tell them off. yes, it's reasonable. they are better off defriending me instead.-1 -
Why is it odd? People are looking for different kinds of support on here. You may have had someone who was trying to avoid eating disorder triggers, for example. If you had low numbers on your diary, they might have found it difficult and defriended you to keep themselves safe. Don't take it personally, suck it up and do what works for you, just like other people are.0
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I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......0
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Velum_cado wrote: »Why is it odd? People are looking for different kinds of support on here. You may have had someone who was trying to avoid eating disorder triggers, for example. If you had low numbers on your diary, they might have found it difficult and defriended you to keep themselves safe. Don't take it personally, suck it up and do what works for you, just like other people are.
yeah, this makes sense. if it causes triggers in someone and they are that easily set off, they should look after themselves.0 -
I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.
people take their friends list this seriously? i don't view it as much different than facebook friends.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.
people take their friends list this seriously? i don't view it as much different than facebook friends.
If not wanting negativity on my feed (and by extension, my life) is "taking it seriously" then obviously I do.
It's not some agonizing choice I feel forced to make. It's an "okay, that's enough" *remove friend* thing.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »TheVirgoddess wrote: »I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.
people take their friends list this seriously? i don't view it as much different than facebook friends.
If not wanting negativity on my feed (and by extension, my life) is "taking it seriously" then obviously I do.
It's not some agonizing choice I feel forced to make. It's an "okay, that's enough" *remove friend* thing.
people being negative about their own life does not hurt me in any way. if it's their way to vent, go for it.0 -
TheVirgoddess wrote: »TheVirgoddess wrote: »I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.
people take their friends list this seriously? i don't view it as much different than facebook friends.
If not wanting negativity on my feed (and by extension, my life) is "taking it seriously" then obviously I do.
It's not some agonizing choice I feel forced to make. It's an "okay, that's enough" *remove friend* thing.
people being negative about their own life does not hurt me in any way. if it's their way to vent, go for it.
Congrats?
Watching people drown in their own bad choices is bad for my mental health - as I stated above.
So, conclusion: you and I are different. No big surprise there.0 -
I've deleted people who continue to regularly eat under safe levels after being told what they're doing is not healthy. I'm here to support people with safe, healthy goals. An occasional under-eating day is understandable due to sickness or if they're doing an IF diet but chronically starving yourself is never healthy and I won't support it.
This to me is the issue, and I haven't decided what to do, exactly.
Like Francl, I accept friend requests, but always wonder why people who are doing 800 calories or less would choose to friend me, and typically they send a FR without a message and have lots and lots of friends, so I tend to quickly unfriend if it's one of those. I don't feel that bad (I always feel a little bad), since I don't think the FR to me was all that personal anyway.
With people struggling with EDs, I try to be supportive, but feel like I have no idea how to be, so I mostly try to support their efforts to get better and not encourage/support the more relapse-like behavior. It does make me uncomfortable at times, though, or just feel so bad for them, and I can totally see why it could be triggering for someone with an ED history (which I don't have).
With people I have more of a connection with who I consider generally healthy adults who just think they need to skirt the 1200 edge and stay below when possible or who have periods of dipping more below than I'm comfortable with (I did 1250 for a time and would eat below 1200 on occasion when I was--I don't think that was great now, but I don't think doing that as a learning experience was harmful), I suggest to them that there's no reason to be so low or that it can be counterproductive (especially if they post about struggling or binging), but if they don't want to hear it I figure they are grown ups and just try not to support it.
I quite often DON'T read diaries, though--they are only occasionally interesting to me, so I'll read it if the person tends to eat like me, so I get ideas, or someone else says something that makes me interested, or the person has indicated that exchanging comments on diaries is part of support for her or him, or if I'm just bored or curious that day. So I've definitely been guilty of absent-mindedly liking a diary that's reflecting eating patterns that I think are unhealthy and I don't want to support and then later feeling somewhat bad about it.0 -
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you can't click the like button if you don't like it0
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I delete people who don't log regularly. If your last login is over 20-30 days, I will definitely let you go.0
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »I had a 3000 cal day and I spent the next week trying to eat low calories to make up for it. If someone didn't see my high calorie day they might think I always try to eat below and delete me. You don't always know why people do what they do. Try asking or commenting about their eating in a nice way. Just saying......
For me, I delete based on trends, not a single day, or even a single week. It's a combination of consistent low intake, constant negativity, excuses and general lack of willingness to be a partner in their health. As much as I want to save everyone, I can't. So I have to move on for my own mental health.
I completely agree there^^^^
I mostly delete people due to inactivity. Every 2 months I go in, sort by last log in and just delete people with 1 month + since last log in. Then along the way it's mostly everything you said above.
I do the same with inactivity. I like having active, positive friends that teach me new things and that I can celebrate accomplishments with. That's the fun part for me.0 -
I came back a little lighter in the friends department after being away for a number of months... I expected that. The other stuff like intake being too low, honestly I'm not sure how to react there... if someone reaches out and the responses are pro-ed or triggering/upsetting to them, then it's distancing from being part of watching someone spiral. If it's one or two days of low logging and no contact, honestly maybe that's a friendship online that didn't need to keep going.
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I was defriended because my calorie intake was too low although I eat more I guess I need to be accurate isn't that an odd thing to do ? Any advice besides be more accurate
I don't know if this has been addressed or not, but why not log accurately. If I'm reading this correctly, you don't log the actual amount that you eat? Why not just log everything and avoid someone thinking you're ED prone and avoid this entire situation?0 -
I came back a little lighter in the friends department after being away for a number of months... I expected that. The other stuff like intake being too low, honestly I'm not sure how to react there... if someone reaches out and the responses are pro-ed or triggering/upsetting to them, then it's distancing from being part of watching someone spiral. If it's one or two days of low logging and no contact, honestly maybe that's a friendship online that didn't need to keep going.
yeah, i lost one friend probably due to being inactive who i was a little sad about because he was cool.0 -
I like my friends to succeed and part of that will be to eat so they get enough nutrition over time. I want them to lose weight in a sustainable healthy way and not just by starving themselves. If I see weeks of eating under 900 calories, then it just causes concern as to their relationship with food and how they are achieving their weight loss. Its also has a good chance of backfiring and resulting in a binge or quitting.
Think its perfectly understandable if such people are defriended if they insist on eating such low levels. Id prefer a minimum 1200 and more comfy with 1400 but thats up to them. I keep my friends numbers low, so tend to know them well enough and can factor in if theres a genuine reason for sustained low calories, fasying or medically supervised diet.
The whole friends thing is a bit of a mish mash anyway. People have very different ideas.0 -
I am old, short, and sedentary. My TTDE - 20% is 1036 calories. If I eat above that I gain. NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME!0
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I had gastric bypass and there are days I struggle just to eat 1000 calories. But my calories are very protein/nutrient dense. It never occurred to me that people would friend then unfriend because I am not getting enough calories in their eyes. I guess you learn something new every day.0
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sunnyside1213 wrote: »I am old, short, and sedentary. My TTDE - 20% is 1036 calories. If I eat above that I gain. NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME!
yeah, it's examples like this which makes it annoying to hear that people find it necessary to tell people how much they should eat. not really their business to give unsolicited advice on their food diary.-1 -
It is really hard to see people on here who are hurting themselves. I try to be positive and reach out, but when someone is in the midst of an eating disorder there is very little to do on here, so thus far I have ended up defriending because it's painful to watch. It doesn't sound like that is your issue though, which is a good thing
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I was defriended because my calorie intake was too low although I eat more I guess I need to be accurate isn't that an odd thing to do ? Any advice besides be more accurate
i might have missed it in this thread, but did the person specifically tell you that this was the reason they defriended you? because in looking at your food diary it would not hit my radar as being too low overall, but my threshold is probably lower than a lot of people.0 -
It is kind of beneficial for people with eating disorders to be friends with non eating disordered people, Especially if they are attempting to recover. I find it really difficult to know how to eat normally, seeing other peoples diaries can be a huge help for meal planning and the like.0
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MarciBkonTrk wrote: »I had gastric bypass and there are days I struggle just to eat 1000 calories. But my calories are very protein/nutrient dense. It never occurred to me that people would friend then unfriend because I am not getting enough calories in their eyes. I guess you learn something new every day.
I really don't think people are talking about situations like yours, and if it's any kind of friend relationship presumably they would know that about you? Or if they expressed concern you would share that?
People seem to be taking posts personally in a way that I don't think makes sense.0 -
Thank you for the awesome discussion all. I would hope we can support each other trying to see the best in each other as well. Of course we need to protect ourselves as well.0
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »furioushummingbird wrote: »I go out of my way to point out they need to eat more, post helpful links and if they get angry or refuse to take advice and continue to undereat, I unfriend them.
Couldn't care less what people think of me for it. There's a clear disclaimer on my profile that states what I will and won't support.
oh yeah, i wouldn't friend someone with your disclaimer in the first place.
I'm wondering why you feel it's okay to point out why you wouldn't be friends with someone, but when someone does so with you - you get defensive and sarcastic.
It's odd.
I also think perusing the link FFF posted is a good idea. I don't know you well at all - but from an outsiders view, you seem to be very caught up with being "skinny". It's a concern, IMO.
Oh and rethinking this, her post specifically stated that she has a warning not to friend her if you don't meet a specific criteria, so I was just agreeing with her that I do not meet that criteria all the time so i would heed the warning and not friend request her, so what is wrong with agreeing, exactly?0 -
lemurcat12 wrote: »MarciBkonTrk wrote: »I had gastric bypass and there are days I struggle just to eat 1000 calories. But my calories are very protein/nutrient dense. It never occurred to me that people would friend then unfriend because I am not getting enough calories in their eyes. I guess you learn something new every day.
I really don't think people are talking about situations like yours, and if it's any kind of friend relationship presumably they would know that about you? Or if they expressed concern you would share that?
People seem to be taking posts personally in a way that I don't think makes sense.
Agree that my circumstances are different but then again whose aren't. We are like snowflakes. Not one of us is exactly the same. It just never occurred to me that what a person eats or doesn't eat would be a reason to unfriend someone. Which again comes back to the "different strokes for different folks."0 -
sunnyside1213 wrote: »I am old, short, and sedentary. My TTDE - 20% is 1036 calories. If I eat above that I gain. NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME!
I have an mfp friend who is short, old, and sedentary, and eats a similar number each day. She has been very clear that her situation is different, and the average bear shouldn't eat so little. That isn't what I'm talking about.
Now I had an mfp friend who I deleted, who was 19, regularly made posts about ED related topics, ate a low intake,and discussed self injury. I debated it, but untimately had to let that friend go. It was heartbreaking.0 -
I was defriended because my calorie intake was too low although I eat more I guess I need to be accurate isn't that an odd thing to do ? Any advice besides be more accurate
i might have missed it in this thread, but did the person specifically tell you that this was the reason they defriended you? because in looking at your food diary it would not hit my radar as being too low overall, but my threshold is probably lower than a lot of people.
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