How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
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Amanda4change wrote: »obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...
I'm starting to feel a little hurt that my mom is really encouraging of my weight loss. Can't they show a little concern about me wasting away instead of emailing me low-fat recipes?
My mom doesn't actually give a damn about me, the insanity would all be about her, and how my losing weight either says something bad about her, or some other nonsense But what would one expect by a woman who didn't want to get fat while pregnant with me (she gained 25 pounds with my brother who was 9 pounds) so she severely restricted her calories while pregnant with me (I was a whopping 4 pounds 5 ounces at birth, and had a bunch of health issues, like low blood sugar, and bone density issues because of it).
Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. I completely misinterpreted that.
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obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...
I'm starting to feel a little hurt that my mom is really encouraging of my weight loss. Can't they show a little concern about me wasting away instead of emailing me low-fat recipes?
My mom doesn't actually give a damn about me, the insanity would all be about her, and how my losing weight either says something bad about her, or some other nonsense But what would one expect by a woman who didn't want to get fat while pregnant with me (she gained 25 pounds with my brother who was 9 pounds) so she severely restricted her calories while pregnant with me (I was a whopping 4 pounds 5 ounces at birth, and had a bunch of health issues, like low blood sugar, and bone density issues because of it).
Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. I completely misinterpreted that.
No worries, I admit I have "mommy issues" I often find that sarcasm and living 600 miles away from her keep me from totally losing my mind over her and her behaviors. (I would totally cut her out of my life (again) if she wasn't the sole caretaker of my 87 year old grandmother. If I don't "play nice" with my mom she cuts off my contact to my grandma.0 -
Amanda4change wrote: »obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »obscuremusicreference wrote: »Amanda4change wrote: »The comments on this thread make me so glad I live far away from my mother.... I can't imagine the insanity that she would bring to the table in my weight loss...
I'm starting to feel a little hurt that my mom is really encouraging of my weight loss. Can't they show a little concern about me wasting away instead of emailing me low-fat recipes?
My mom doesn't actually give a damn about me, the insanity would all be about her, and how my losing weight either says something bad about her, or some other nonsense But what would one expect by a woman who didn't want to get fat while pregnant with me (she gained 25 pounds with my brother who was 9 pounds) so she severely restricted her calories while pregnant with me (I was a whopping 4 pounds 5 ounces at birth, and had a bunch of health issues, like low blood sugar, and bone density issues because of it).
Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. I completely misinterpreted that.
No worries, I admit I have "mommy issues" I often find that sarcasm and living 600 miles away from her keep me from totally losing my mind over her and her behaviors. (I would totally cut her out of my life (again) if she wasn't the sole caretaker of my 87 year old grandmother. If I don't "play nice" with my mom she cuts off my contact to my grandma.
Whoa. That's really horrible, for both you and your grandma.0 -
Sounds like you are aware of how to set healthy goals. My suggestion - don't share specific goals with people, if they won't be supportive. Don't give them a position to attack, and you won't feel the need to defend it.
"How much weight do you intend to lose?"
"I don't know. I'm eating healthy right now. I'm going to keep it up for a bit, and work the details out with my doctor as i get near setting a goal."
If this turns into an argument about trusting doctors, concede. and then keep doing what you're doing.
Just be sure to keep honest with yourself, and healthy.0 -
Why not just say that it's in the healthy range for your height and your doctor has approved, but if it seems like too much after another 20 lbs or so, you will reassess your goals. Or that you aren't sure what your end goal is, but you'll know when you get there.0
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It depends if this is a one-off, or is it indicative of a long-term pattern of controlling and possibly abusive behaviour? If it's one-off, it's probably just parental concern and a bit of shame expressed badly, if it's a pattern...then that is another, rather complex ball game.
What? How is anything I write an insi action of abuse?
Because internet.
:drinker:
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Sorry, it only posted the first paragraph for some reason and I'm on the mobile site so the edit button doesn't always work.
A little bit more detail:
When I started my journey I had about 110 lbs to lose until I was considered to be within a "normal" BMI but was/still aiming for 130lb loss to put me in the middle of a healthy BMi. To date I have lost 60 lbs, but still have 50-70 lbs to go. The other night, I had my parents over for dinner. The conversation started out well but then quickly descended into an argument. At first they were "happy and proud" I've lost so much (yay!) but then came the catalyst that started the fight- mom asked how much I've lost and "how much more do you want to lose, only a another 10-20 lbs?" I said no, another 50 would be great. I don't know if it is because they are used to seeing me so big, or I look smaller than I weigh, but my parents freaked out. "Why do you lose so much", "that will be too thin" etc. I didn't really know how to respond to them, so just said "well my MD thinks my weight goal is good" (she actually did say that) and if they don't want to be supportive, the front door is that way".
Just looking for some other ways people have explained their goal to loved ones. Everyone in my family is pretty "big" so it could just be that. I have 3 food scales (kitchen, travel and back up) and they constantly nag me about being obsessive. It's frustrating. One minute they are proud, the next they start chastising and yelling.
Good for you! I'm sorry that your parents aren't supportive, though. That is really disappointing, I know. My entire family is big, too, and diabetic with high blood pressure. I don't see most of them very often (their choice; not mine) but recently for a family reunion the topic of high blood pressure came up and there was a lot of, "Oh well, it's hereditary; nothing I can do about it!" (hands up in the air in defeat) Meanwhile, I had just gone to the doctor the day before for an annual exam and my blood pressure was 102/64. Nope. Not hereditary. I said nothing, though, because no one wants to hear it.
Anyway, I still need to read the other 3 pages and I'm sorry to ramble on about myself, but OP if you are healthy then all you can do is keep doing what you're doing and either they accept it or they don't, but you don't have to be yelled at for it!0 -
MyChocolateDiet wrote: »Just smile agree and say you will lose the amount they want you to...then lose the amount the dr and you agreed on.
This could work depending on the relationship you have with the fam. For me, I'd rather say "That's between me and my doctor, but thanks for your concern." But every family is different and not telling them the whole truth might just be easier.MyChocolateDiet wrote: »When you visit+them always bring and share a treat you worked into your cal goal. This way they will stop worrying+that you arent+eating enough and this silly disagreement over a number on+a+scale+can+stop.
I think this is a really smart approach!0 -
Does anyone else have family members that don't agree with your weight goal? If so, what do you say to them/respond?
I've never had a family member ask this before, or anyone else, so I don't know what I would say. I guess I simply say it's personal and I don't chose to discuss it.
Now, I must read the other responses.
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I have to say I am surprised by some responses here. Of course it depends on the situation, but in the vast, vast majority of cases, when family members "disagree" with your weight loss goals, they are coming from a place of love, even if they are misguided. There is no reason to act with hostility towards that. Explain to them why your goal is what it is, even explain to them the whole TDEE thing. Assure them that you are not trying to be unhealthy just to look good. Or if not, or if they persist, then politely end the conversation. No need to go "F off" when "I don't want to talk about this anymore" will do.
If I may, getting defensive about your weight loss will not help you lose weight any faster. Keep things in perspective, realize that your family loves you (unless you know they don't), and be patient. You didn't get everything about healthy weight in a day. Neither will they.0 -
I have this problem I went from 171.2lbs to 124.8lbs. My goal was 125. So yay I met it..but people who haven't seen me as I have progressed will say I look too thin. I am 5'2 and 124.8 is a perfect spot to be for someone my height. People are so nosey when it comes to people's weight, when they are smaller. No one really gave a crap when I was larger. Just let it go in one ear and out the other if your goal is healthy for your height.0
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tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.0 -
tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.
It has not really been addressed but you bring up a good point. Yes, they help me out a lot and if I ever needed anything, I know I could ask them (although don't abuse that privledge at all).
When I say help out, I don't mean financially. They technically own the apt I live in, but I pay the "monthly dues" they are charged, electricity, cable, Internet and telephone bill (so basically everything). They do however, come over fairly often and if I have yet to do something (like dishes haven't been put away yet or something) they take it upon themselves to do it. They also insist on taking and doing my laundry since they have a washer and dryer (so it's free) and I have to pay to use the ones in the basement.
They really don't expect much in return. I was raised LDS (left a LONG time ago) so they believe an unwed daughter is still their responsibility. I had to convince them to let me move out after college and pay my own bills lol.0 -
It depends if this is a one-off, or is it indicative of a long-term pattern of controlling and possibly abusive behaviour? If it's one-off, it's probably just parental concern and a bit of shame expressed badly, if it's a pattern...then that is another, rather complex ball game.
I clearly remember this sort of thing from my father, but the controlling behavior came from a cultural/ethnic place. In our highly paternalistic family, he had the right and duty to dictate to his wife and daughter how they should dress and wear their hair, etc. and, of course, what they should weigh. He favored a "fuller" figure. There was nothing abusive about it, he was a very loving daddy. I miss him terribly.
To the OP: It just not worth creating tension and risking disrespectful words between you and your parents. Even at the risk of not being totally honest with them, do as I learned to do...let them see what they want to see as far as your eating habits. By that I mean, don't do the things they think are obsessive in front of them. If necessary, eat less during the other part of the day so that you can eat "normally" (to them) when they are present. It takes two parties to have a dispute, so just don't participate if they push your buttons. Shrug it off and give them a hug instead of an argument.
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*disclaimer: I didn't read the whole thread*
OP, it sounds like you have a healthy mindset. Aiming for a range in the your healthy weight range is a good plan. You know that you are aiming for a healthy weight, so don't let others talk you out of it (not saying that's what you're doing, just giving support).
This is why I don't get into "goal weight" conversations with people I know, other than my sister and my husband. Those two are both reasonable people who understand weight loss and fitness goals and get that I'm aiming for a healthy weight range. But for others (like my parents and nosy friends), they don't think that I have that much more to lose. They're just used to seeing me bigger and don't understand that I was almost 100 lbs overweight. Losing 40lbs is good, but I really need to lose at least 80 - 90 lbs to be healthy. I'm just smaller than they are used to seeing me and can't picture me any smaller than I already am.
When I tell my husband that I have 50ish more pounds to lose, he kind of looks at me funny (he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am, which I'm not complaining about. But I think he just loses perspective on how overweight I still am and right now I'm the thinnest that he's ever known me). But then I remind him of where that will put me weight wise (120-125 on a 5'3" frame) and he kind of goes "yeah, that sounds about right".
But, like I said, I don't get into it with others. I'll tell people how much I've lost if they ask because I'm proud of my accomplishment. But I don't tell them how much more I have left to go. If someone pokes me about it, I usually say something like "I'll know when I get there" or "I just want to be healthy and be able to run better". Non-committal is the key to avoiding people picking your plan apart.0 -
tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.
It has not really been addressed but you bring up a good point. Yes, they help me out a lot and if I ever needed anything, I know I could ask them (although don't abuse that privledge at all).
When I say help out, I don't mean financially. They technically own the apt I live in, but I pay the "monthly dues" they are charged, electricity, cable, Internet and telephone bill (so basically everything). They do however, come over fairly often and if I have yet to do something (like dishes haven't been put away yet or something) they take it upon themselves to do it. They also insist on taking and doing my laundry since they have a washer and dryer (so it's free) and I have to pay to use the ones in the basement.
They really don't expect much in return. I was raised LDS (left a LONG time ago) so they believe an unwed daughter is still their responsibility. I had to convince them to let me move out after college and pay my own bills lol.
I'd say they're helping you financially since mortgage/rent is typically most people's biggest bill. Plus all the other stuff, your post is actually throwing me off a little; wish I had someone doing all this stuff for me for free!
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tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.
It has not really been addressed but you bring up a good point. Yes, they help me out a lot and if I ever needed anything, I know I could ask them (although don't abuse that privledge at all).
When I say help out, I don't mean financially. They technically own the apt I live in, but I pay the "monthly dues" they are charged, electricity, cable, Internet and telephone bill (so basically everything). They do however, come over fairly often and if I have yet to do something (like dishes haven't been put away yet or something) they take it upon themselves to do it. They also insist on taking and doing my laundry since they have a washer and dryer (so it's free) and I have to pay to use the ones in the basement.
They really don't expect much in return. I was raised LDS (left a LONG time ago) so they believe an unwed daughter is still their responsibility. I had to convince them to let me move out after college and pay my own bills lol.
I'd say they're helping you financially since mortgage/rent is typically most people's biggest bill. Plus all the other stuff, your post is actually throwing me off a little; wish I had someone doing all this stuff for me for free!
How are they helping me if I am paying the rent? Yes, it is in their name, but they check that pays it comes from me, in the full amount.0 -
You're an adult and barring you lose so much that you're unhealthy, its no ones business but yours. I think you have now learned not to bring it up with them, therefore avoiding future disagreements on this subject.0
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