How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
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Mys response to ANYONE (except mom) about my body is, "lets just all worry about our own cellulite."0
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ChipChocolatePancake wrote: »I have a similar problem. When I moved to Argentina a few years ago, I switched to an entirely different lifestyle. No processed junk food, no fast food, walking 4-5 miles each day (because I moved to a city), and greatly reducing my sugar and fat intake. It was AMAZING. In the first 4 months, I lost 30lbs.
Then, I moved back to the U.S., living with my parents and brother between undergrad and law school. I immediately started to gain weight again. So, I have been trying to eat as close to my diet in Argentina as possible.
My family is VERY disdainful of "diet food," i.e. Fruits and vegetables. They are incredibly insulted when I don't eat the food they make, and just have a salad instead. They make outrageous claims that I am only eating healthfully to try to make them feel guilty about eating junk food - which is inherently untrue! As much as I would like to appease them, I had to learn a hard lesson that my health is more important than their feelings.
Ultimately, this is your LIFE. It's not just some fad that you're doing to make them feel guilty about the stuff they're eating. Your current and future health depends on you eating healthfully NOW. So never feel bad about doing what you must to live a long and healthy life
Excellent! Good for you. I know how hard that is. But, you are ultimately right, so keep it up and you will see your good results again.0 -
I do what I want.0
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Family used to say I didn't need to lose weight. Then I dropped 25lbs and they said, oh yeah, you look great, I guess you were carrying quite a few extra pounds (apparently I just wear it well, as long as I'm not in a bikini, anyway haha). But then at one point I started getting the "are you still losing or trying to lose weight?" questions, so which I learned to reply, "no, just trying to lower my body fat percentage a bit more" - that usually shuts the up because they don't know how to respond to that.
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I just ignore everyone's comments because it is my body, not theirs. They don't have to live in my body so they don't get an opinion. I've lost over 50lbs and I'm still overweight (I've been lower--I gained about 20lbs back - my loss was 70lbs). Even though I'm overweight I always have people telling me that I'm too tiny already and that I don't need to lose weight. But by God I'm going to keep losing until I'm happy because my happiness with my body is all that really matters.0
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imabeevampire wrote: »Yes I've had this! Went to visit my mum and mentioned how much weight I had lost and my dad was like *you don't need to lose weight*
And I said we'll yes actually I do my BMI is in the overweight range. I'd like to feel hhealthy too.
His response was *what a load of crap*
This coming from a man who is very overweight, now disabled, drinks far too much cola when he is diabetic and no longer has a leg due to not looking after his health.
He is everything I DON'T want to be.
He's probably told himself he can't lose weight, and seeing you doing it is making him feel bad about his own excuses.
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sarahlifts wrote: »Mys response to ANYONE (except mom) about my body is, "lets just all worry about our own cellulite."
I love this response! It's funny, but doesn't attack a friend/family member for caring.
I had to have a "chat" with my Mom years ago, when she would nag me endlessly about my excess weight. My sis started on a few years ago as well, until I told her to stop it. And, although it took different tactics with both, they did stop, and we all get on well now, so sometimes having that slightly uncomfortable discussion really can work.
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Sorry, it only posted the first paragraph for some reason and I'm on the mobile site so the edit button doesn't always work.
A little bit more detail:
When I started my journey I had about 110 lbs to lose until I was considered to be within a "normal" BMI but was/still aiming for 130lb loss to put me in the middle of a healthy BMi. To date I have lost 60 lbs, but still have 50-70 lbs to go. The other night, I had my parents over for dinner. The conversation started out well but then quickly descended into an argument. At first they were "happy and proud" I've lost so much (yay!) but then came the catalyst that started the fight- mom asked how much I've lost and "how much more do you want to lose, only a another 10-20 lbs?" I said no, another 50 would be great. I don't know if it is because they are used to seeing me so big, or I look smaller than I weigh, but my parents freaked out. "Why do you lose so much", "that will be too thin" etc. I didn't really know how to respond to them, so just said "well my MD thinks my weight goal is good" (she actually did say that) and if they don't want to be supportive, the front door is that way".
Just looking for some other ways people have explained their goal to loved ones. Everyone in my family is pretty "big" so it could just be that. I have 3 food scales (kitchen, travel and back up) and they constantly nag me about being obsessive. It's frustrating. One minute they are proud, the next they start chastising and yelling.
That's irritating, and I'm lucky I don't have to deal with it, but my general approach to this is just not getting into details that people don't need to know.
For example, I've had people say (back when I was 150, which isn't even a healthy BMI for me) that I didn't need to lose any more and ask what I was planning and tell me I was crazy when I said 25-30 more. After that I just say "yeah, a little more" or smile and say thanks if they say I don't need to lose any more. I mean, they don't know and most probably won't even notice--people really have no conception of what different weights look like.
I never tell people what I've lost (wouldn't even tell my parents)--I just say, "oh, lots."
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Disclaimer - assuming your are truthful at wanting a healthy weight then read on. If you are wanting an unhealthy weight than seek medical/medical attention.
I find in my life the people who react this way are bigger than I am. Aka jealousy. My mom and I have gone rounds and I have already lifted my shirt and grabbed a handful of fat from my waist and said "pretty sure this isn't supposed to be there!"
Yes they could be coming from a place of caring and worrying about your physical/mental health - so it will depend on your actions leading up to that discussion. If you have lost a lot of weight quickly, are obsessed with your image, etc there could be legit concerns.
You gotta do what's right for you. As long as its healthy!0 -
Disclaimer - assuming your are truthful at wanting a healthy weight then read on. If you are wanting an unhealthy weight than seek medical/medical attention.
I find in my life the people who react this way are bigger than I am. Aka jealousy. My mom and I have gone rounds and I have already lifted my shirt and grabbed a handful of fat from my waist and said "pretty sure this isn't supposed to be there!"
Yes they could be coming from a place of caring and worrying about your physical/mental health - so it will depend on your actions leading up to that discussion. If you have lost a lot of weight quickly, are obsessed with your image, etc there could be legit concerns.
You gotta do what's right for you. As long as its healthy!
I wouldn't pull the "jealous" card. It's fairly simple: 1. People need time to get used to change 2. People are used to seeing bigger people so anything out of the "norm" is not normal 3. People in general don't view themselves as big as they actually are so the whole "healthy weight" image is skewed.
When I was 300+ pounds I used to look at some people and think "oh she is quite skinny". Because of denial I had this 250 pound image of myself, so lower weight people sometimes seemed "too thin" as a self-protective measure for my denial. I have lost a considerable amount of weight, and now people who I used to view as "skinny" look average or even slightly overweight to me.
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rainbowbow wrote: »I really hate this whole mentality in western society where weight is a big social faux pas.
I'll be honest, i have no problem whatsoever being honest and leveling with the person whether they're family, friends, coworkers, elders, etc.
Here are the facts:
1.) Your family is overweight and probably has no idea whatsoever how a "HEALTHY" and proper weight person looks. Their vision of what is and is not "fat" or "overweight" is very skewed.
2.) Because their view on what is and is not a normal sized person they probably have no idea how to judge the amount in pounds you need to lose. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people i have helped get started who think they only need to lose "10-15 pounds" and realize very quickly it's more like 40 to be where they want.
3.) It's a natural response for people who have low self esteem to compare themselves to others instead of focusing on themselves. By losing weight you may be inadvertently raising their own insecurities about themselves. This is why you'll see people say "You're not fat! If you're fat i must be a whale! heh heh" and it's like... well... you said it not me!
4.)The most important fact is that it is your body, your health, and your future. No matter what anyone says you are ultimately responsible for your health, wellness, and looks. You have to do whats best for you no matter what!
Now that we've gotten that out of the way... the best way to respond in these situations knowing the above information would be:
"Quite frankly, i don't think my weight is your business." *flips Sh908 * "I'm sorry, but my health is incredibly important to me. I'm going to do whats best for me and my future no matter what you say"
and just leave it at that. No room for argument/discussion. It's not their business, and no matter what they say you've made it clear you're gonna do you!
Well said!0 -
Amanda4change wrote: »Honestly with some people it's just not worth the argument. Most people don't have the ability to look at someone who is a healthy weight (especially if they are overweight themselves) and say they weight this amount. Rather than argue with them smile, nod and don't correct their assumptions about how much you've lost, or how much more you plan to. Let your mom believe that 20 more pounds is your end goal, then just keep doing what your doing. If she comments, say those last 10 pounds are hard to get rid of.
Yes, I agree with this!
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i haven't run in to that problem but have plenty of other issues with my family
after 37 years, I've learned the best way to handle them is to smile, say thanks- I'll think about it (or maybe in your case say talk about it with my doctor) and change the topic.
family sucks.0 -
This is why I generally don't mention it to people that I'm trying to lose weight. I can't tell my mom because then it's all she wants to talk about (because she herself lost 100 pounds, gained 30 back, and has been struggling to re-lose that 30). So I tell her that I'm not even worrying about my weight too much.0
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Does anyone else have family members that don't agree with your weight goal? If so, what do you say to them/respond?
I made a thread a while back about someone commenting that I was on the road to anorexia with my weight loss (mind you, I am a very healthy weight; as is my goal weight; I have never had an ED, and I've been at .5lb/week since I began a year ago).
After getting input from that thread, I have decided to just say: "I am approaching this in a healthy way, thank you for your concern, but this is my decision. If you don't agree with it, that's fine, but please respect my decision."0 -
Back when I last lost my weight, I didn't even tell anyone I was trying to lose weight. Im just a really private person in general, but also, I didn't want to risk anyone being negative and sidetracking me from my goal.
Not that I think anyone would purposely try to be mean about it, I dont perceive it that way..just that we all see from the inside out...so its just hard for them to understand my point of view and my relationship with my body, without comparing it to them. It happens..I just felt it was in m best interest to avoid the conversations that would occur because of that.
When the weight loss became noticeable, which was when I hit about 30lbs loss (Im 5'10" so it takes awhile to notice anything lol) It was a range of omg you look great! to omg, you look too thin! to omg, are you depressed? you should eat something!!! And I was just barely at the top of my healthy weight range, so yeah I definitely was not frail by any means.
I did want to lose another 10-15lbs, but never told anyone..if anyone asked what my goal was or if I planned to keep losing, Id just say...oh Im just focused on eating healthy right now. Its the truth, and a total side-step to having to answer their question. Most people seemed satisfied with it...Im polite about it, but thats not to be confused with being obligated to tell anyone my personal business just because they want to know it.
Bonus..I did gain the weight back..since I didnt make a big deal out if it that I was losing weight, it wasnt a big enough deal for anyone to say anything when I gained it again. I make myself feel bad enough as it is, dont need everyone I know helping me out there lol0 -
Back when I last lost my weight, I didn't even tell anyone I was trying to lose weight. Im just a really private person in general, but also, I didn't want to risk anyone being negative and sidetracking me from my goal.
Not that I think anyone would purposely try to be mean about it, I dont perceive it that way..just that we all see from the inside out...so its just hard for them to understand my point of view and my relationship with my body, without comparing it to them. It happens..I just felt it was in m best interest to avoid the conversations that would occur because of that.
When the weight loss became noticeable, which was when I hit about 30lbs loss (Im 5'10" so it takes awhile to notice anything lol) It was a range of omg you look great! to omg, you look too thin! to omg, are you depressed? you should eat something!!! And I was just barely at the top of my healthy weight range, so yeah I definitely was not frail by any means.
I did want to lose another 10-15lbs, but never told anyone..if anyone asked what my goal was or if I planned to keep losing, Id just say...oh Im just focused on eating healthy right now. Its the truth, and a total side-step to having to answer their question. Most people seemed satisfied with it...Im polite about it, but thats not to be confused with being obligated to tell anyone my personal business just because they want to know it.
Bonus..I did gain the weight back..since I didnt make a big deal out if it that I was losing weight, it wasnt a big enough deal for anyone to say anything when I gained it again. I make myself feel bad enough as it is, dont need everyone I know helping me out there lol
Wow. I am sorry about the weight coming back. The way you handled it sounds perfect so may adopt your method.0 -
Wow. I am sorry about the weight coming back. The way you handled it sounds perfect so may adopt your method.
Thank you so much! It's alright though..Ive had a rough time of it over the past few years and have been trying to pull my life back together, have come pretty far and getting my weight back on track is just one of the things left for me to do...tackling it
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I think if your weight loss goal is healthy, you should go for it under the radar and actually avoid the topic of conversation with people who won't support you.
I wrote a blog post addressing this issue last year:
http://fitrovert.com/how-to-lose-weight-quietly-and-confidently/
Hope this helps!-2 -
I think weight goals are a personal and private matter unless you decide to share. People are afraid of change, both in themselves and others. My family is voicing concern regarding my weight losses over the years, and I refuse to further discuss with them. I know where my body is comfortable, and I know what my goals are. I will not discuss this with anyone IRL, period.0
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SergeantSausage wrote: »I find a good, terse, "Fark off" gets the point across without much dilly-dally.
If it were anyone else, I would, and would also use the actual profane word, but not with them.
Can you politely tell them that you are working on being healthy and not mention numbers or do they push?0 -
bostonwolf wrote: »
And this quote is really important because yes it is no one's business until you got the people out there who unfortunately have an eating disorder.
To answer the OP's question, i just laugh if anyone says anything about my weight. No one said a word when i was obese, so not sure why me losing weight is up for discussion0 -
This is so true!! Next time I will point that out to them.Therealobi1 wrote: »bostonwolf wrote: »
And this quote is really important because yes it is no one's business until you got the people out there who unfortunately have an eating disorder.
To answer the OP's question, i just laugh if anyone says anything about my weight. No one said a word when i was obese, so not sure why me losing weight is up for discussion
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I wouldn't talk about numbers with anyone. Maybe body fat percentage but not an actual weight.
I've lost 23 lbs in four months and still have 25-30 ish (depends on a variety of things not just the number on the scale) to go. My parents are fine with it, for now, but my SO's mom and grandma will tell me they see I'm losing and not to get "too skinny." I don't get it because they were both under 100 lbs in their twenties. I just let it go or mention that I'm going to do whatever is healthiest for me. I have hypoglycemia, so talking about blood glucose levels usually shuts them up.0 -
This is likely going to come off as really rude, but I can't think of another way to say it (plus I'm exhausted right now). It kind of annoys me that a lot of people just keep saying "don't bring it up/talk to them." Did you all miss where I said I am not the one who brings it up? They are. Just changing the subject doesn't work that easily because they will just continue to talk about it- even when I steer the conversation a different way.
So please people, stop suggesting that I just shouldn't bring it up.0 -
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In my instance i told all my close people i was losing weight. to others it was obvious when they saw me as the change was very noticeable. anyone who talks negatively, i.e lollipop head, or skinny i just laugh cos actually it is funny. You cant have a conversation with someone who is laughing and not discussing back with you.
but anyone who wants to have a normal serious conversation about weight loss i will discuss.0 -
Does anyone else have family members that don't agree with your weight goal? If so, what do you say to them/respond?
Yes, and it is just as bad when multiple people are trying to diet and exercise and everyone has their own plan and think that everyone else should follow their plan. In both cases, what works for me is:
"This is my body and I have to live with the choices I make for it. I'm glad you are happy with the choices you have made for your body but I have to learn about the different choices I make and how it effects my body and how I feel with that choice. You can keep doing what works for you, but I have to find what will work for me. It is not something I will be able to figure out over night but when I do much of what you seem to think is 'obsessive' won't be there because I will have learned what I needed to take care of me. It would make things easier if you would be supportive and not derogatory. I consult with my medical doctor to make sure I am not going to any unhealthy extreme and my body is getting all the nutrients it needs to do its job. If it bothers you so much, then please let's not discuss it at all because I don't need a fight."0 -
This is likely going to come off as really rude, but I can't think of another way to say it (plus I'm exhausted right now). It kind of annoys me that a lot of people just keep saying "don't bring it up/talk to them." Did you all miss where I said I am not the one who brings it up? They are. Just changing the subject doesn't work that easily because they will just continue to talk about it- even when I steer the conversation a different way.
So please people, stop suggesting that I just shouldn't bring it up.
If you're not willing to tell them you aren't discussing it with them anymore, because doing so only causes issues, ...then you're just going to have to deal with their negative remarks concerning your goals.
There isn't a magical thing to say to people who are ignorant when it comes to weight loss and healthy goals. Your parents will always be concerned about you. So either say "these are my goals for becoming the healthiest person I can be..if you don't like it tough" or deal with them not agreeing with your weight-loss goals.0
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