How to respond to family members who disagree with weight goal
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tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.
It has not really been addressed but you bring up a good point. Yes, they help me out a lot and if I ever needed anything, I know I could ask them (although don't abuse that privledge at all).
When I say help out, I don't mean financially. They technically own the apt I live in, but I pay the "monthly dues" they are charged, electricity, cable, Internet and telephone bill (so basically everything). They do however, come over fairly often and if I have yet to do something (like dishes haven't been put away yet or something) they take it upon themselves to do it. They also insist on taking and doing my laundry since they have a washer and dryer (so it's free) and I have to pay to use the ones in the basement.
They really don't expect much in return. I was raised LDS (left a LONG time ago) so they believe an unwed daughter is still their responsibility. I had to convince them to let me move out after college and pay my own bills lol.
I'd say they're helping you financially since mortgage/rent is typically most people's biggest bill. Plus all the other stuff, your post is actually throwing me off a little; wish I had someone doing all this stuff for me for free!
How are they helping me if I am paying the rent? Yes, it is in their name, but they check that pays it comes from me, in the full amount.
I misread your "monthly dues" quote as though they owned the apartment outright and you just paid the utilities.
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tiptoethruthetulips wrote: »Not that BMI is the sole indicator of health, but is your weight goal within the healthy BMI range for your height?
Very much so. My goal is weight would have me at 20.6. I would be happy with anything between 20 and 24.9. Going for more of a range then a set number.iwillsucceed0444 wrote: »Who gives a *kitten* what your family members think. They're not the ones stuck in YOUR body 24/7. Just tell them to pound sand...in a nice way. "Thanks, but you're opinion is not needed."
Not that easy. Even when they yell I refuse to yell back. They help me with a lot, so I try my best not to be rude to them.
So sorry guys. I can totally see how my first post can sound like that lol. I'm on mobile, and when I type directly into the "start convo" box, it likes to cover what you are writing so you can see it (like it scrolls). Because of that, I thpically type things out on "notepad" and just c/p. Guess I forgot to hit "select all" lol.
Ok, clearly I'm still on page 1 but this comment stuck out for me. Lots of times whether consciously or subconsciously, if we help someone out (in whatever form: physical, monetary, emotionally, etc.) it's human nature to both expect something in return and expect to have some sort of say over the person to whom you are providing help. Does that make sense? I see it a lot with parents who provide some sort of monetary support for their adult children. The children are adults, yet the parents, due to providing assistance, feel that they can still "parent" the child. This may have already been addressed.
It has not really been addressed but you bring up a good point. Yes, they help me out a lot and if I ever needed anything, I know I could ask them (although don't abuse that privledge at all).
When I say help out, I don't mean financially. They technically own the apt I live in, but I pay the "monthly dues" they are charged, electricity, cable, Internet and telephone bill (so basically everything). They do however, come over fairly often and if I have yet to do something (like dishes haven't been put away yet or something) they take it upon themselves to do it. They also insist on taking and doing my laundry since they have a washer and dryer (so it's free) and I have to pay to use the ones in the basement.
They really don't expect much in return. I was raised LDS (left a LONG time ago) so they believe an unwed daughter is still their responsibility. I had to convince them to let me move out after college and pay my own bills lol.
I'd say they're helping you financially since mortgage/rent is typically most people's biggest bill. Plus all the other stuff, your post is actually throwing me off a little; wish I had someone doing all this stuff for me for free!
How are they helping me if I am paying the rent? Yes, it is in their name, but they check that pays it comes from me, in the full amount.
I misread your "monthly dues" quote as though they owned the apartment outright and you just paid the utilities.
Oh no lol. It's technically a "co-op" so the bill literally says "monthly dues".0 -
I really hate this whole mentality in western society where weight is a big social faux pas.
I'll be honest, i have no problem whatsoever being honest and leveling with the person whether they're family, friends, coworkers, elders, etc.
Here are the facts:
1.) Your family is overweight and probably has no idea whatsoever how a "HEALTHY" and proper weight person looks. Their vision of what is and is not "fat" or "overweight" is very skewed.
2.) Because their view on what is and is not a normal sized person they probably have no idea how to judge the amount in pounds you need to lose. I cannot even begin to tell you how many people i have helped get started who think they only need to lose "10-15 pounds" and realize very quickly it's more like 40 to be where they want.
3.) It's a natural response for people who have low self esteem to compare themselves to others instead of focusing on themselves. By losing weight you may be inadvertently raising their own insecurities about themselves. This is why you'll see people say "You're not fat! If you're fat i must be a whale! heh heh" and it's like... well... you said it not me!
4.)The most important fact is that it is your body, your health, and your future. No matter what anyone says you are ultimately responsible for your health, wellness, and looks. You have to do whats best for you no matter what!
Now that we've gotten that out of the way... the best way to respond in these situations knowing the above information would be:
"Quite frankly, i don't think my weight is your business." *flips Sh908 * "I'm sorry, but my health is incredibly important to me. I'm going to do whats best for me and my future no matter what you say"
and just leave it at that. No room for argument/discussion. It's not their business, and no matter what they say you've made it clear you're gonna do you!0 -
I assume monthly dues are homeowners association dues on the property owned by your parents plus you pay all the utilities to use the apartment/condo, food, gas, etc...
I was in a similar situation years ago with my parents (they bought the condo I lived in) I actually paid the mortgage, homeowners due, and all the rest mentioned above.
I am with everyone else, they are physically helping you clean up, do your laundry and they do give you place to live (even though you do pay for your own expenses) and they sort of have some hand in things.... I had to break free and move out to my own place eventually.
Under this situation, they have their beliefs how you should manage your life and they may make comments on your weight loss/goal to be healthier but it is just that.
Remember, opinions are like ***holes, every ones got one.. Step up and don't let this bother you.. Do what you need to do to be happy! It is your right and no one can do it... but you!0 -
Parents are so funny. I remember my mom being upset that I couldn't pull my car up to the door of my house so I would t have to "walk so far" with my groceries.
Dad on the other hand compared me too an elephant walking. He mocked, she tried to enable...neither one was even remotely overweight. I just had to stop discussing anything about weight or exercise with them.
They are both gone now. While I don't miss the mocking and enabling, I do miss them. Try to enjoy then and not let something like this become a wedge or point of contention. It's not worth it.0 -
My parents were very proud of me in the beginning and even once I had lost about 100 pounds. Then I started getting the "don't lose too much weight, you are already skinny". At the time I was still in the overweight range for BMI, which I don't really worry about. I was wearing size 10-12 on pants. Not bad, but I don't think I was "too skinny". Then they started getting on me about working out too much and telling me I was obsessed with working out and I shouldn't be going to the gym so much. I never argued with them and just let them have their say and went about things like I wanted to . My mom did say something to my sister-in-law that she was worried about me and my gym obsession (I work out 6 days a week, for about an hour each time). My sister-in-law looked her and said "you wanted her to lose weight, she lost the weight and she found she enjoys working out in the process. Let her work out, it's healthy and she is happy" My mom has never said a negative word since. Thankful that my sister in law stood up for me. No I say I want to lose weight and my mom says "I think you look great, but you do what you feel you need to"
In the end, I think they were so used to seeing me at 300 pounds, it was shocking to see me at 180. It freaked them out a little...or maybe a lot.0 -
Sometimes people get so used to seeing you at one weight, for whatever reason, they get 'concerned' when you continue losing even if you're still in a healthy range. I've noticed this the most from people who have never struggled with weight issues
I've never had that 'mock concern' for anyone when they were losing weight unless it was clear they actually had a problem. It's frustrating, but that's why I usually don't tell people my goals.0 -
I assume monthly dues are homeowners association dues on the property owned by your parents plus you pay all the utilities to use the apartment/condo, food, gas, etc...
I was in a similar situation years ago with my parents (they bought the condo I lived in) I actually paid the mortgage, homeowners due, and all the rest mentioned above.
I am with everyone else, they are physically helping you clean up, do your laundry and they do give you place to live (even though you do pay for your own expenses) and they sort of have some hand in things.... I had to break free and move out to my own place eventually.
Under this situation, they have their beliefs how you should manage your life and they may make comments on your weight loss/goal to be healthier but it is just that.
Remember, opinions are like ***holes, every ones got one.. Step up and don't let this bother you.. Do what you need to do to be happy! It is your right and no one can do it... but you!
Yeah. If I tried to break free and up and leave, I am like 95% certain they'd kidnap me back home lol. I say that jokingly, but at the same time sort of serious. I went to school and lived 2 hours away for 4 years. They would actually take the drive just to come see me for dinner lol. I think part of it is out of their 3 kids, I'm the youngest (the baby of the family) and the one that stays in contact the most with them. While they can drive me batty, they mean well.Parents are so funny. I remember my mom being upset that I couldn't pull my car up to the door of my house so I would t have to "walk so far" with my groceries.
Dad on the other hand compared me too an elephant walking. He mocked, she tried to enable...neither one was even remotely overweight. I just had to stop discussing anything about weight or exercise with them.
They are both gone now. While I don't miss the mocking and enabling, I do miss them. Try to enjoy then and not let something like this become a wedge or point of contention. It's not worth it.
I try not to let it become a wedge. There are somethings they used to nag about that they have since learned to drop because it was a futile effort. I am hoping they figure out this is futile as well lol.0 -
My husband was really supportive of my weight loss at first. My original goal was 145lb which at 5'5 put me just barely at a healthy BMI. He was cool with that. Then I bumped it down to 142 and he started acting like I was anorexic or something. Now my new goal is 138 and he's really not that happy about it. So over the course of about a year, I decided to lose 7 more pounds than I had originally planned. I think he's worried I will just continue to put that number lower and lower.
Change is scary to people. I typically just don't discuss my goals with my husband. When it does come up, I let him say what he wants to say and usually just change the subject. Sometimes I'll chime in with "it's just a few more pounds" which is usually met with "and you'll just keep lowering it after that". So again, it's just better to avoid the topic or just not be that specific.
You and your doctor know that you're not trying to do anything unhealthy. Just keep doing what you're doing and they'll come around eventually.0 -
I have a similar problem. When I moved to Argentina a few years ago, I switched to an entirely different lifestyle. No processed junk food, no fast food, walking 4-5 miles each day (because I moved to a city), and greatly reducing my sugar and fat intake. It was AMAZING. In the first 4 months, I lost 30lbs.
Then, I moved back to the U.S., living with my parents and brother between undergrad and law school. I immediately started to gain weight again. So, I have been trying to eat as close to my diet in Argentina as possible.
My family is VERY disdainful of "diet food," i.e. Fruits and vegetables. They are incredibly insulted when I don't eat the food they make, and just have a salad instead. They make outrageous claims that I am only eating healthfully to try to make them feel guilty about eating junk food - which is inherently untrue! As much as I would like to appease them, I had to learn a hard lesson that my health is more important than their feelings.
Ultimately, this is your LIFE. It's not just some fad that you're doing to make them feel guilty about the stuff they're eating. Your current and future health depends on you eating healthfully NOW. So never feel bad about doing what you must to live a long and healthy life
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Mys response to ANYONE (except mom) about my body is, "lets just all worry about our own cellulite."0
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ChipChocolatePancake wrote: »I have a similar problem. When I moved to Argentina a few years ago, I switched to an entirely different lifestyle. No processed junk food, no fast food, walking 4-5 miles each day (because I moved to a city), and greatly reducing my sugar and fat intake. It was AMAZING. In the first 4 months, I lost 30lbs.
Then, I moved back to the U.S., living with my parents and brother between undergrad and law school. I immediately started to gain weight again. So, I have been trying to eat as close to my diet in Argentina as possible.
My family is VERY disdainful of "diet food," i.e. Fruits and vegetables. They are incredibly insulted when I don't eat the food they make, and just have a salad instead. They make outrageous claims that I am only eating healthfully to try to make them feel guilty about eating junk food - which is inherently untrue! As much as I would like to appease them, I had to learn a hard lesson that my health is more important than their feelings.
Ultimately, this is your LIFE. It's not just some fad that you're doing to make them feel guilty about the stuff they're eating. Your current and future health depends on you eating healthfully NOW. So never feel bad about doing what you must to live a long and healthy life
Excellent! Good for you. I know how hard that is. But, you are ultimately right, so keep it up and you will see your good results again.0 -
I do what I want.0
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Family used to say I didn't need to lose weight. Then I dropped 25lbs and they said, oh yeah, you look great, I guess you were carrying quite a few extra pounds (apparently I just wear it well, as long as I'm not in a bikini, anyway haha). But then at one point I started getting the "are you still losing or trying to lose weight?" questions, so which I learned to reply, "no, just trying to lower my body fat percentage a bit more" - that usually shuts the up because they don't know how to respond to that.
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I just ignore everyone's comments because it is my body, not theirs. They don't have to live in my body so they don't get an opinion. I've lost over 50lbs and I'm still overweight (I've been lower--I gained about 20lbs back - my loss was 70lbs). Even though I'm overweight I always have people telling me that I'm too tiny already and that I don't need to lose weight. But by God I'm going to keep losing until I'm happy because my happiness with my body is all that really matters.0
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imabeevampire wrote: »Yes I've had this! Went to visit my mum and mentioned how much weight I had lost and my dad was like *you don't need to lose weight*
And I said we'll yes actually I do my BMI is in the overweight range. I'd like to feel hhealthy too.
His response was *what a load of crap*
This coming from a man who is very overweight, now disabled, drinks far too much cola when he is diabetic and no longer has a leg due to not looking after his health.
He is everything I DON'T want to be.
He's probably told himself he can't lose weight, and seeing you doing it is making him feel bad about his own excuses.
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sarahlifts wrote: »Mys response to ANYONE (except mom) about my body is, "lets just all worry about our own cellulite."
I love this response! It's funny, but doesn't attack a friend/family member for caring.
I had to have a "chat" with my Mom years ago, when she would nag me endlessly about my excess weight. My sis started on a few years ago as well, until I told her to stop it. And, although it took different tactics with both, they did stop, and we all get on well now, so sometimes having that slightly uncomfortable discussion really can work.
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Sorry, it only posted the first paragraph for some reason and I'm on the mobile site so the edit button doesn't always work.
A little bit more detail:
When I started my journey I had about 110 lbs to lose until I was considered to be within a "normal" BMI but was/still aiming for 130lb loss to put me in the middle of a healthy BMi. To date I have lost 60 lbs, but still have 50-70 lbs to go. The other night, I had my parents over for dinner. The conversation started out well but then quickly descended into an argument. At first they were "happy and proud" I've lost so much (yay!) but then came the catalyst that started the fight- mom asked how much I've lost and "how much more do you want to lose, only a another 10-20 lbs?" I said no, another 50 would be great. I don't know if it is because they are used to seeing me so big, or I look smaller than I weigh, but my parents freaked out. "Why do you lose so much", "that will be too thin" etc. I didn't really know how to respond to them, so just said "well my MD thinks my weight goal is good" (she actually did say that) and if they don't want to be supportive, the front door is that way".
Just looking for some other ways people have explained their goal to loved ones. Everyone in my family is pretty "big" so it could just be that. I have 3 food scales (kitchen, travel and back up) and they constantly nag me about being obsessive. It's frustrating. One minute they are proud, the next they start chastising and yelling.
That's irritating, and I'm lucky I don't have to deal with it, but my general approach to this is just not getting into details that people don't need to know.
For example, I've had people say (back when I was 150, which isn't even a healthy BMI for me) that I didn't need to lose any more and ask what I was planning and tell me I was crazy when I said 25-30 more. After that I just say "yeah, a little more" or smile and say thanks if they say I don't need to lose any more. I mean, they don't know and most probably won't even notice--people really have no conception of what different weights look like.
I never tell people what I've lost (wouldn't even tell my parents)--I just say, "oh, lots."
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Disclaimer - assuming your are truthful at wanting a healthy weight then read on. If you are wanting an unhealthy weight than seek medical/medical attention.
I find in my life the people who react this way are bigger than I am. Aka jealousy. My mom and I have gone rounds and I have already lifted my shirt and grabbed a handful of fat from my waist and said "pretty sure this isn't supposed to be there!"
Yes they could be coming from a place of caring and worrying about your physical/mental health - so it will depend on your actions leading up to that discussion. If you have lost a lot of weight quickly, are obsessed with your image, etc there could be legit concerns.
You gotta do what's right for you. As long as its healthy!0
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