RillaVanilla's 125 lb loss thread

tlbev2015

inchwormbyinchworm wrote: »

goingforahundred wrote: »

. I decided to fight for my life. I think I hit rock bottom and there was no way but up. This was in Nov '14. I have since lost 53lbs. I know how hard it is, but I also know that if I can do it, you can do. You can do it!!

Goingforahundred! You are in my prayers! You might really enjoy "a black girls guide to weight loss". She is very compassionate, and recommends anybody who is gearing to lose significant weight to see a therapist. She suggests caring for the mind and body. I especially recommend her series, emotional eating and the art of self care. Her website has a search engine that is very useful.
God bless you on this day: Psalm 1 says "choose life!"

Nice web site I am bookmarking it. Love the scripture reference too! Tx!

IslandSneezerooo

@goingforahundred thanks for sharing... Losing out on life is a huge motivator. I needed to hear that today.

I was over my goals again yesterday and am feeling quite sick today with a headache and sore throat. Trying to stay focused on my plan while my brain is screaming at me that it's a waste of time and I get the same results from doing nothing (totally right too). I want to just give up, at least till I get to see my WLS nutritionist, cause it's not making any difference on the scale, those are normal fluctuations I see anyway, not weight loss...

People are also saying in the PCOS group that cardio is actually BAD for women with PCOS because if affects cortisol levels which affect our hormones negatively?! WTF?!

I don't want to eat meat and fat for every meal. It upsets my stomach, makes me badly constipated, or gives me the runs when I take stuff to help, and I feel tired, lethargic and depressed. Carbs give me sparkle and energy, literally... I'm tired of measuring and weighing everything. I'm tired of feeling disappointed and sad.

I just want to be a normal person, eating normal food, doing normal life activities. I get so burnt out thinking about this weight loss stuff... I've been doing this off and on for 25 years now and I'm tired. When I start something new it's exciting, I feel hopeful I'll have good results this time, but ultimately I end up here... Discouraged and tired...

Sorry if you came here for positivity today, this is my real life thoughts today...

I need a mental break. I need results for a change. WLS can't happen soon enough!!

So here it is: Motivation comes from action, not the other way around.

Going to keep taking action, of course. What else can I do? Quitting isn't an option...

goingforahundred

I am not in the same place I was when I started the journey. I am happy and at peace most days. Because of people like Rilla who get on here and share their stories and experiences I have been able to see things differently. Also, people who have reached out to me and surrounded me with compassion.
The point of my post was to let others know that there is a way through when all seems lost.
I have bookmarked the website suggested above and will look at it later. Thanks ladies!

goingforahundred

I am sending you hugs RillaVanilla. I am sorry that you are having a crappy day.
Glad you are here and that you are sharing your real life thoughts!! This is real life, it is not a game, so keep on sharing!

sodakat

Its time to buckle down. Way too early to quit. I seriously doubt weight loss surgery will be a lasting effort if you can't find the determination to stick to your plan.

It's just FOOD for heavens sake. You have control over what you eat. Take control.

IslandSneezerooo

@sodakat I'm not quitting... I'm sharing what's going on in my brain. People tend to gloss over the mental battle and be all rah-rah, it's all so awesome, when THIS is what real life weight loss feels like. Some days ARE awesome, for SURE. Other days suck *kitten*. If I don't address it head on and call it out, it festers away and destroys my zest for life in general. I'm bringing it out into the light of day so it can wither and die... It's not about control or lack of control, or will power, or determination. It's about putting one foot in front of the other, taking action when you don't have the inner motivation to push you forward.

@goingforahundred Thanks for understanding what I needed to hear. You obviously read my support rant and get it... xoxoxo

I got up, followed my usual morning routine... made myself a decaf, took my supplements, filled my water bottle, made myself some breakfast, weighed it, measured it, logged it. It's the everyday actions that will bring about motivation.

IslandSneezerooo

I decided to leave the PCOS group. I was doing great till I started reading all the "you must do this, or you must do that or you won't lose" threads... ugh... I just need to focus on establishing healthy habits and if I don't lose weight, I don't lose, but my main focus needs to be about getting healthy routines established for when I get WLS.

sodakat

Hey, I'm not being critical. Just chiming in. I've been counting calories for more than a year now and I know all about the ups and downs, and definitely know about the mental stuff because I was fat for years. Just saying its up to you to make it happen. It can happen. But no one can do it for you.

The "advantage" IMO to it taking a while to lose is that you eventually forget some of the fat body stuff and start focusing on the getting-smaller-body stuff. I like that. It is harder for me to remember why I didn't make better food choices for so long, now, than it was 6 months ago. I am more confident that I will be able to keep the weight off, by far than I ever was a year ago when I was just getting started. I guess this means my mindset is changing and I'm more confident that I will succeed and that I won't be obese forever. That is a very good feeling.

I get rid of any size I outgrow right away, because I am not going to ever be able to wear that size again. I also am thinking about what size I'll be in next fall, so my mind is confident in that area also. Not yet concerned about what size I'll be whenever I think my body is at a proper weight, as I have absolutely no clue what that will or should be.

So, this is your thread, but you made it public so input I assume is welcome. I'm glad you are focusing on what YOU need instead of what a group of people with similar health conditions think you need, even if some happen to be similar. That is what we all must do.

We are all unique individuals but we are not "special" as far as losing weight. Its hard, it takes a long time if you are really fat, and it is very rewarding.

Kathy

IslandSneezerooo

@sodakat No worries, Kathy! Tone can really get lost in forums... Glad you took the time to respond, and I DO welcome input. Thank you! Mainly I want to be careful that I'm not putting on a faux positive happy face or stuffing down my real feelings because that's what people prefer to read...

I'm realizing too is that I'm very easily swayed to one idea or another, always looking for that "perfect" recipe for success. I have to keep adjusting back to the main track (eat less, get fit) from all those little side tracks. LOL I stopped dieting completely for a few years because all the weight loss info was so overwhelming and much of it contradictory. It helped to take a step back from it all and just focus on my health. I did trauma counseling, worked on improving the quality of food I was eating, worked on fertility issues and got my allergies dx'd. I didn't gain or lose any weight during that time, pretty much stayed the same, with a 5-10 lb fluctuation up and down... I feel like I'm in a good place to take this on now, but I don't want to get sucked back into all the diet "trends", no matter how appealing it might seem in the moment to "lose weight fast". I'm the only one that knows ME intimately, inside and out, and one day I hope to have enough confidence to ignore all the "diet trend" voices.

inchwormbyinchworm

RillaVanilla wrote: »

I don't want to get sucked back into all the diet "trends", no matter how appealing it might seem in the moment to "lose weight fast". I'm the only one that knows ME intimately, inside and out, and one day I hope to have enough confidence to ignore all the "diet trend" voices.

Isn't the sexypants thread at the getting started forum a hoot?

When I started, I tried to find weight loss veterans. I found these lists helpful. Weight loss isn't really complicated. That doesn't necessarily follow that it's always easy

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/healthy-eating-habits?page=2

http://gallery.mailchimp.com/3b8c17a72899384ba5c166357/files/25_Weight_Loss_Mistakes_Smaller.pdf

IslandSneezerooo

@inchwormbyinchworm I had never read that thread... good stuff though! Thanks for pointing it out, and I'll check out the links too...

IslandSneezerooo

I've been indulging in overeating for the last three days, and although today wasn't an official weigh in day (Thursdays) I needed to see, and the scale reflected it... Up 2.5 lbs this morning...

Let's shine a light on the reasons I mentally justified overeating: 1) TOM is more than 2 weeks late which means bitchiness levels are at an all time high, 2) feeling sorry for myself losing so slowly, leading to a "what's the point" "F--k it" mentality 3) increased hunger at night, 4) sugar/carb cravings, & 5) haven't been feeling well all week with hayfever, sore throat and headache.

Things I can do to combat these excuses: 1) continue to exercise everyday to improve moods, 2) weigh everyday to remind myself it is necessary to stay below cal & macro goals, and that slow losing is better than fast gaining, 3) drink more water and go to bed earlier when the hungries hit at 8 pm, 4) take chlorella supplement to combat cravings, & 5) continue antihistamine & nasal spray regime for hayfever, plus add ibuprofen for the headaches.

IslandSneezerooo

This headache just won't quit... and still no TOM, so I've made a doctor's appt on Wed to get some bloodwork done and see what's actually happening...

inchwormbyinchworm

I hear ya about about fighting cravings. I'm adjusting my eating habits; my kids and husband, not so much!

So craving-satisfying foods are more readily available than if I implemented a "no temptations avail" policy.

Have you considered keeping track of times you have resisted cravings? Wouldn't that be an awesome feature of the MFP app?

(I confess that I'm not very good at counting calories. I totally understand the need for it, though.)

Hang in there!

goingforahundred

I hope that your appt. with the dr. is enlightening. How long will it take before you know the results of the bloodwork?

IslandSneezerooo

@goingforahundred I'm not sure... A few days I hope is all.

goingforahundred

I hope you have a good day.
How do you make my name show up blue?

IslandSneezerooo

If you put an @ sign in front of a persons username it tags them.

Not gonna lie... The mental battle is getting the best of me this week. I keep overeating my cals goal because I'm hungry and having intense cravings. Yesterday was the first time since I started Jan 23rd that I didn't exercise because I just didn't feel like it. I could have done it and just didn't bother. I'm still logging everything I eat, and trust I'll get my poop together one of these days... Not even calling this a failure, just part of the process... Spending the day in the car and at the dentist with my son... The added dentist's bills are stressing me out a lot too... The hubs is having some health issues as well so just hoping things even out soon. Stress is not my friend....

IslandSneezerooo

Listening to "The Untethered Soul" audible book by Michael A. Singer. Very enlightening...

sodakat

I have a suggestion. Why not start a 5 pound loss thread instead? You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Or see if the mods will edit this one.

I've been reading the forums for a long time. Its okay to change paths. Do whatever it takes to keep you from quitting.

How about just working on your diary/diet for a while and set exercise to the side for a bit. Stop trying so hard to lose and just continue logging every single thing you eat. Logging every food can be the habit you acquire first. One step at a time might be best.

I really hate to see you give up.

I've noticed lots of "I'm going to do "X" threads". Not talking your weight loss amount but instead I mean people post that they are going to give up sugar, or are going to fast a certain number of days a week, or they are going to eat Atkins plan or they are going to give up all soft drinks. I always hope that the thread will be an old thread that someone dredged up and that the OP has been at their plan successfully for months or years, but usually they are current threads with people just posting their plans.

Maybe the big plan thing is just not successful for too many. I really don't know.

Knowing you want to lose weight so you don't have heart failure when chasing your kid down the street, or so you can take part in daily activities with your family or so you just feel better for yourself can be motivation enough for some people, but not for everyone.

Like I said before: it's just food. You can conquer the urge to overeat as much as you are overeating now. Really, you can.

IslandSneezerooo

@sodakat I'm midway through week 6 now, and this thread will continue at least till I have WLS surgery (the Dr estimated November 2015) or till I get to my goal weight (if I get to goal before Nov '15 I'll opt out of surgery). Either way, I'll close this thread by the end of 2015. I wanted a central spot to document my experiences for those who are in similar situations, or just interested, and cover it all, the good, the bad, the ugly... Having it here on this forum starts a conversation with an audience that can relate and are interested in the same things... I've had traditional blogs over the years that had very few regular readers, almost no commenters, and that is a very lonely and isolating place. My only motives in starting this thread was to have conversations with people in a similar situation, and document my experiences to hopefully learn more about myself through my personal vulnerability and honesty... Thanks for your input and I hope you'll continue to post. ❤️❤️ My main focus is to build healthy habits of eating less, moving more, and I know it won't be a perfect path, but it's all part of the process... Even the less than stellar days serve a purpose...

IslandSneezerooo

I've been thinking about what you said earlier, @sodakat, and I want to try setting smaller bite-size challenges, rather than trying to eat the whole elephant (not that I'm calling myself an elephant! haha) in one sitting.

Rilla's 40 day challenge:

• Starts on Saturday, March 7th (I go grocery shopping Friday night after work, and do food prep on Saturdays, so that's why I'm starting then...).
• Ends April 16th, which conveniently lands on a Thursday weigh in day.
• Maximum points possible is 1000. Reward for finishing the challenge with at least 950 points is a spa day with a friend.

Daily goals are:

1. Stay below my cal goals - 5 points
2. Do something active everyday - 5 points
3. Get in at least 9 cups of water/day (fill my 24 oz water bottle 3 times) - 5 points
4. Take my supplements everyday - 5 points
5. Check in here on this thread everyday to say how things went and remain accountable and connected to support - 5 points

If anyone else wants to join me with their own personalized daily goals, I'd be happy to have you along on my 40 day challenge.

I have set my macros at maintaining this week, and will reset them on Saturday to lose 2 lbs/week for this challenge. For now I'm going to go see the doctor tomorrow, get the bloodwork done, take a bit of a rest, and start this challenge on Saturday refreshed and ready to go hard.

goingforahundred

I would like to join you on your 40 day challenge. I am not sure what my goals will be yet, I will post them on Friday or before.
Good luck at the dr and I hope you have a great day.

IslandSneezerooo

@goingforahundred that's awesome! Can't wait to hear what your goals will be...

IslandSneezerooo

I've been listening to The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer on audio book, and there was a part yesterday that struck a chord with me and I've been thinking about it a lot ever since... He was talking about being confined by your comfort zone and challenged the listener/reader to not settle for decorating your cage of self imposed boundaries, aka "your comfort zone", but rather to lean into the edges and experience discomfort. Push past the fear, and he claims that going beyond our psychological limits is where one finds true freedom and inner peace.

Another point he made was that our sense of self is determined by our focus. The more we cling to certain thoughts, the more they develop into beliefs about ourselves, and become fixed. That structure ultimately defines our self, our personality, our persona.

goingforahundred

Sounds like a good read, and a very informative book. He is right about our sense of self being determined by our focus. I might have to see if I can find this book at the library.

IslandSneezerooo

goingforahundred wrote: »

Sounds like a good read, and a very informative book. He is right about our sense of self being determined by our focus. I might have to see if I can find this book at the library.

It was good, I finished it today, and honestly it left me with some questions. There's a section on choosing to be happy and letting bad events wash over you, and just observing them rather than expending energy on stress or feelings as it doesn't benefit anyone. I can see how that would be a good thing, but it doesn't address actual physical pain or illness. How do you just observe it when it's tangible pain, and not just mental discomfort? Hmmm...

There was also a section on Tao or "the way" and he did a good job of explaining yin/yang and finding balance between the two extremes and how much less energy is expended when you're in that natural place rather than on one end of an extreme or another... I've heard the terms before, but never understood them well before this book... Fascinating stuff... I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to apply that to weight loss, but it's all too new to me, so I haven't been able to make the connection yet...

sodakat

Well there are normal, natural emotions like sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, joy that we all feel depending on what is going on in our lives. I'm not sure I agree that we should not experience those that are unpleasant. Now, I agree it doesn't help to dwell on something when you have no power to change it, but I do think that allowing a normal "feeling" like grief for example, to run its course is healthier than holding it in or trying to observe it without feeling the impact.

I experienced panic attacks in my 40s, culminating in my late 40s with some hospital visits to the ER and was finally referred to a group therapy session led by psychiatrist who literally wrote a book on the subject. Smartest thing I ever did. But, looking back, I now know/realize that these panic attacks were hormonally related. However, believe me they were very debilitating at the time.

Cognitive behavioral therapy saved my bacon and those group sessions were godsends.

The "technique" for lack of a better term, that made the biggest impact on me at those meetings was catastrophizing anxiety. It is such a cool way of dealing with stuff and can easily be applied to weight loss. Google it sometime and do some reading and thinking about applying it to weight loss.

The basic idea is to imagine the very worst thing that can/will happen and face it head on. Then, work some logic into the scenario. I mean, "WILL" your worst case scenario really happen? If so, then what?

Here is some text for food for thought regarding catastrophizing:

"In the case of overestimated probability, the thought is viewed as a hypothesis rather than as a fact. Clients learn to "challenge" the thought by reviewing all of the available evidence to determine whether or not the thought is supported by the facts. Alternative interpretations of the facts are explored."

Read more here: http://www.anxietyhappens.com/cognitivebehavioraltherapy/cognitive_training.htm

But do google catastrophizing anxiety for a bunch of interesting ideas on the subject. Maybe you can make it apply to your situation.

IslandSneezerooo

I don't think he's saying we aren't supposed to feel all the emotions, just that we should let them pass through us rather than holding onto or clinging to them...

I'd say I've had a fair amount of trauma in my life, death of a parent from cancer when I was only 22, public excommunication from my childhood church community, 6 years in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage, unemployment, debt, poverty & homelessness while single parenting, divorce, difficult custody battle, infertility followed by a miscarriage at 11 weeks with hemorraghing and emerg surgery...

Everyone develops coping mechanisms, some good, some bad, when faced with situations that seem impossible to endure in the moment. Some turn to drugs or alcohol, I turned to food. In my darkest hour, 10 years ago, I found help through a somatic experiencing therapist who helped treat my trauma and gave me practical tools for coping that no longer involved binge eating... With each subsequent event I gained a little more strength and a sense of self because I knew I'd experienced and survived "worse" in the past and this too shall pass.

I also appreciate the good things that happen much more, the birth of my child, falling in love, a loving peaceful marriage, the beauty of nature, trying new things, learning new skills, a good book or movie, silliness and laughter, graduation from college, the purchase of our first home, business success, our child's developing personality, growth and accomplishments, loving friendships, fun family holidays, snuggles with our kittens, family dinners, music jams... I am learning to choose to let the past hurts go and focus on the good parts... To stop telling those old painful stories over and over and just appreciate my present happy life.

IslandSneezerooo

Meal planning and making a grocery list today for our weekly shop tomorrow. Last week was supposed to be curry chicken with rice for a few days, then spaghetti meat sauce on brown rice pasta for a few days. Turned out we had more leftovers left from the week before than we expected, so only made the curry last week. This week I'll make the spaghetti, and I'm picking up a couple ingredients to make another lentil sausage stew, one of my favourite winter meals that's quick to reheat for lunches. I also have a ton of baked chicken left and I portioned it into single servings, froze most of it, and will take it out as needed for this coming week. I'm going to pick up a bunch of frozen veg and that will make a quick garlic/ginger stirfry dish for dinner when the spaghetti is gone...

I'm sooooo tired today. I really struggled to wake up this morning, finally dragged myself out of bed around noon, and honestly just feel like going back to bed already and it's not even 5 PM.

Went to see my doc yesterday and he is having me get a bunch of bloodwork done to check my hormones and thyroid as I'm now on day 55 of my cycle and no end in sight... I missed the lab yesterday (they close at noon to catch the ferry) and I don't have a car today, so I'll have to drop by tomorrow morning to have blood drawn.

I have a follow up Dr's appt next Thursday, so I'll update on that when I have something to tell you. We did discuss revisiting metformin, but starting me on a much smaller dosage and easing into it. I posted on my profile wall yesterday on MFP about this and a few people said that they only got the bad diarrhea and stomach pain that I experienced last time whey they had too much fat and carbs, so I'll keep that in mind and cut back if it starts up again... Would be nice to get some hormonal relief... I also started taking vit B8 this week, which apparently is really great for PCOS... Also taking chlorella a couple times a day which is always helpful with cutting craving, helping with hunger and blood sugar imbalances. My stomach is a bit upset this afternoon so I'm cutting back on the chlorella dosage a little, but I'm not nearly as hungry now, which is AWESOME.