supporting your mfp friends....or not.

jenncornelsen

hey there. i've been here for about a month. i try and keep my friends list manageable since i like to interact with them all.
I also read the diaries of those that have open diaries. this is my issue. some- not many - have diaries that mostly feature 400-700 calorie days. i have trouble supporting this kind of dieting. i don't like to congratulate a loss when i know they are pretty much starving themselves. should i just remove them? would it be better to tell them? i have a feeling they don't want to hear it. people sometimes think that the bigger number then better. i totally understand that. but i want to support healthy losses. i limit my friends because how they're doing matters to me. i'm frustrated because i know this is not sustainable or healthy , but also not my place to say my way is better, after all my losses are much slower. any input would be appreciated

TavistockToad

I would delete them. You can tell them why if you want, but as you say, they probably don't want to hear it.

Dnarules

I can only speak for myself, but I used to remove anyone who consistently ate that low. I'm not talking about a day here or there, because people get sick, and some practice intermittent fasting, etc. I'm talking about eating at this low level pretty much every day. It just makes me too sad. If some of them are friends you have had for a while and have really gotten to know them, you may want to reach out.

ana3067

TavistockToad wrote: »

I would delete them. You can tell them why if you want, but as you say, they probably don't want to hear it.

This. I have some friends who eat lower calorie but I've yet to see if some eat VLCD... if htey do I will likely delete them as well, because ain't got time for that.

You don't owe anything to the people you choose to associate with on MFP. If you want to delete them, that's your business.

jenncornelsen

thanks. there's a little bit of guilt deleting people but i really want people on the same path as me. which is health and long term weight loss not quick fixes.

Sued0nim

Are they IF?

hollyrayburn

Check in with em. Maybe they forgot to log a meal or some snacks? If this is consistently intentional though, get Rid of the negativity!

jenncornelsen

are they IF? whats that? also this would be more the case where days-weeks on end are all within the extremely low range. i understand the odd day or two......i was sick the last 3 days therefore mine is around 700... but some people a regular 1300 calorie day is an exception and that just makes me feel ill thinking how they're eating so poorly

hollyrayburn

IF is intermittent fasting

jenncornelsen

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

Lounmoun

If they are very low consistantly then I would delete them from my friend list. Their goals and methods would not align with mine.
If you have been interacting a lot for awhile then I suppose you can ask them why they go so low or explain why you can't support them.

scottacular

I wouldn't bother trying to give others advice unless they specifically ask for it. You have to let these people make their own mistakes. If you delete them and they send you a message asking why, you can explain your reasoning then about how you disagree with their methods and how you want like minded friends. Or you can just say "You're not eating enough you idiot!".

shifterbrainz

Maybe ASK them what their goals are and how you can help them. If you agree, now you know. If you don't agree, either try to help them understand the problems you see or since you now you can't support and encourage something you don't agree with, then delete them. But then again, that's involves caring about others and just slamming the delete button feels so much more powerful and self-satisfying. :grumble:

Dragn77

If its any consolation... I deleted quite a few people from my list this week (not due to calories... they never responded when I reached out, nor had they make any effort to reach out to me) and not a single one of them noticed or said anything to me about being removed. So...don't feel bad.

But yeah, Im a diary stalker (I just like food and seeing what people eat LoL not to make comments on their intake) and none of my friends with open diaries eat this low...yeah, there are good and bad days, and forgotten to log days, or those who dont log weekends etc...but none who eat say..celery for breakfast lunch and dinner types...lol so not sure what Id do.

All the same, dont think Id say anythign unless they asked for advice. If what someone was doing was really bothering me to the point Id feel like I should give em a talking to about it...Id remove them from my list before I do that.

jenncornelsen

lol i posted something on my board simply saying i can't support super low calorie diets and i wish them the best. my board is open to anyone so if they care to see why they will know.

hollyrayburn

scottacular wrote: »

I wouldn't bother trying to give others advice unless they specifically ask for it. You have to let these people make their own mistakes. If you delete them and they send you a message asking why, you can explain your reasoning then about how you disagree with their methods and how you want like minded friends. Or you can just say "You're not eating enough you idiot!".

We should support our friends in here though, no? That includes being concerned about their overall health. If I saw one of my buds eating 600-900 a day, consistently, I'd express my concern

Mr_Knight

jenncornelsen wrote: »

i'm frustrated because i know this is not sustainable or healthy , but also not my place to say my way is better, after all my losses are much slower. any input would be appreciated

There's no reason for you to be frustrated - those aren't your diaries. If it's that much bother to you, just de-friend.

But this thread....in public like this....this is just passive-aggressively pushing people away from you, and really, kinda not cool. If you have a problem with what someone is doing, back away from the situation or tell them directly.

IMO, etc.

Mr_Knight

jenncornelsen wrote: »

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

That's too bad, because IF is healthy, and is about as close as you can get to traditional human eating patterns. The human body specifically evolved for feast/famine cycles.

jenncornelsen

Mr_Knight wrote: »

jenncornelsen wrote: »

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

That's too bad, because IF is healthy, and is about as close as you can get to traditional human eating patterns. The human body specifically evolved for feast/famine cycles.

oh i understand that. but i would then also be following paleo or primal if how we traditionally ate was important to me. and believe me i have tried both. they were not sustainable. (to me)

Mr_Knight

jenncornelsen wrote: »

Mr_Knight wrote: »

jenncornelsen wrote: »

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

That's too bad, because IF is healthy, and is about as close as you can get to traditional human eating patterns. The human body specifically evolved for feast/famine cycles.

oh i understand that. but i would then also be following paleo or primal if how we traditionally ate was important to me. and believe me i have tried both. they were not sustainable. (to me)

What is generally labelled as "paleo" has very little connection to what was actually eaten then. Paleo people ate lots of grains and zero bacon - it's little more than a marketing term.

And "primal" is literally nothing more than a marketing term that changes month to month based on what one guy thinks will sell.

But we digress...

Ellaskat

Just a thought- some people do intermittent fasting, or high days and low days. Totally reasonable way to go about this weight loss thing. Though I'm not an IFer, I do have days that show as maybe 700-800 calories - 2 reasons- I usually don't eat more than 1/2 of exercise calories back, I also have days that are 200-400 over my cal range. My weekly numbers even out to where I'm supposed to be though. Maybe others are the same way.

ana3067

jenncornelsen wrote: »

thanks. there's a little bit of guilt deleting people but i really want people on the same path as me. which is health and long term weight loss not quick fixes.

I recently added a blurb to my page about only accepting friends with a message, and initially I felt bad not approving blank FR. Now I don't even feel bothered in the slightest. Do what works for you and helps to make your experience and support system here optimal for you.

riffraff2112

I would purge them. When the friend list grows, you can start to stay close with people of common beliefs and goals. I don't recommend collecting friends for the sheer purpose of having them. They are free to do whatever they wish, but I wouldn't keep them around if they are eating in a harmful way.

Further to that

I would ask the question ...."Why would you want to follow an eating pattern based on what our ancestors did 1000yrs ago?" Haven't we emerged from the dark ages of health and nutrition and know better ways to fuel our bodies in a healthy way. I mean, wasn't the average lifespan of that era like 30-40 years of age.

I will say though that whatever works for an individual...trumps research and common sense. If you can make it work for your lifestyle and are certain*** there are no ill effect long term...than no matter how uncomfortable it is for some..then all the power to ya

***evidence from respected health specialists

ana3067

jenncornelsen wrote: »

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

It usually will last for a few days. So like 5:2, 16:8, these are fasting techniques (the latter wouldn't result in low calorie days though). So if they have WEEKS of eating 600 calories, that's not IF/fasting. That's just VLCD.

Dnarules

jenncornelsen wrote: »

if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

Right. That's why I usually made sure that undereating was consistent. Some people fast 2 days a week. All the time...not so healthy.

zoeysasha37

I delete those people. This one lady had her diary closed, so I didn't know right away how much she was eating. When she finally opened it, I noticed that she was consistently eating under 1000. I sent her a message explaining my feelings about it . she replied by saying it was the only way she would lose weight so needed to eat that low. So I just said that I couldn't support that and removed her. But I did try to reach out and explain why it isn't a good idea , in case she wasn't aware and didn't know better. There are some people that truly don't know any better so I didn't want to just delete her without explaining the reasons why vlcd isn't a good idea .

Akimajuktuq

^ Yeah, if one doesn't understand a lifestyle best not to even mention it.

You can delete anyone you want, no explanations required. I don't support under-eating and I say so right in my profile (and more). I might say something once or twice but will usually come under attack by the other "friends" who are cheering on the starvation. Yup, no time for that. Delete.

jenncornelsen

Ellaskat wrote: »

Just a thought- some people do intermittent fasting, or high days and low days. Totally reasonable way to go about this weight loss thing. Though I'm not an IFer, I do have days that show as maybe 700-800 calories - 2 reasons- I usually don't eat more than 1/2 of exercise calories back, I also have days that are 200-400 over my cal range. My weekly numbers even out to where I'm supposed to be though. Maybe others are the same way.

im totally understanding of having some low days then some high days. i mean more if its weeks on end of 400-900 calories days with only 1 or 2 days per week over 1200. it would be super hard to stay always 100-200 cals within your range.

ameliajane90

Ok, quick check in here. I'm on a 1,200 cal a day plan (yada yada yada I'm 5 foot nothing, yes its healthy). There are some days, when I'm below my goal. I still usually come in between 850-1,200 even if I've skipped a meal though (I work weird hours, it happens) That being said that's my total calorie intake and it doesn't happen often. HOWEVER if you're looking at net calories that's a whole different ballgame. My net calories can easily be down below the 600-700 range if I get a good workout in, even if I'm eating until I'm stuffed. Just wanted to check in because for those of us on the low end under eating can happen occasionally.

That being said, if this is someone who should be eating significantly more, and who is purposefully making unhealthy choices I say go ahead and unfriend them. If you want you could privately message them though. That way it's not a public shame fest.

Dragn77

You know...reading more here... I see a lot of "its something *I* dont think is healthly" "Its not what *I* would do" putting limits on how long IF should last based on what one woudl personally do...etc etc...

Maybe its just my personality! But....I dont expect or demand that people on my friends list only do what I would do. In the grand scheme of things (just how I look at it from where I sit!) the only person who I can be sure of is myself..and even then Im no expert LoL

I have no idea who is under drs orders, if someone is on or off meds, what is going on in someones personal life (I know when I went through my breakup, I survived on donuts and coffee) etc etc. And yeah, I just cant imagine feeling like people have to do things the way I approve or else I cant accept them.

BUT if I did feel that way!!! If what other people did bothered me that much, I would do myself a favour, and just remove them. Why be frustrated, why create drama by confronting someone to say they should do things your way, why not just...realize that you have ideals / limits / and work within that to make sure and only keep friends who have teh same lifestyle that you do that way youre not bothered, frustrated and stressed out all the time over what other people choose to do. That to me would be the best way to go about it.

LuckyMe2017

What type of friends do you want? If it's those on the same page as you when it comes to weight loss regimen, you probably need to do a lot of deleting. I personally welcome different personalities who have various levels of knowledge about weight loss.
Who knows, you might be the one to get the 600 calorie eating person on track.

Fyi- I do delete people who demonstrate disrespect and negative energy.