supporting your mfp friends....or not.

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  • ana3067
    ana3067 Posts: 5,623 Member
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    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    thanks. there's a little bit of guilt deleting people but i really want people on the same path as me. which is health and long term weight loss not quick fixes.
    I recently added a blurb to my page about only accepting friends with a message, and initially I felt bad not approving blank FR. Now I don't even feel bothered in the slightest. Do what works for you and helps to make your experience and support system here optimal for you.
  • riffraff2112
    riffraff2112 Posts: 1,757 Member
    edited March 2015
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    I would purge them. When the friend list grows, you can start to stay close with people of common beliefs and goals. I don't recommend collecting friends for the sheer purpose of having them. They are free to do whatever they wish, but I wouldn't keep them around if they are eating in a harmful way.

    Further to that

    I would ask the question ...."Why would you want to follow an eating pattern based on what our ancestors did 1000yrs ago?" Haven't we emerged from the dark ages of health and nutrition and know better ways to fuel our bodies in a healthy way. I mean, wasn't the average lifespan of that era like 30-40 years of age.

    I will say though that whatever works for an individual...trumps research and common sense. If you can make it work for your lifestyle and are certain*** there are no ill effect long term...than no matter how uncomfortable it is for some..then all the power to ya

    ***evidence from respected health specialists
  • ana3067
    ana3067 Posts: 5,623 Member
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    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

    It usually will last for a few days. So like 5:2, 16:8, these are fasting techniques (the latter wouldn't result in low calorie days though). So if they have WEEKS of eating 600 calories, that's not IF/fasting. That's just VLCD.
  • Dnarules
    Dnarules Posts: 2,081 Member
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    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    if intermittent fasting lasts for weeks then its still not something i believe is healthy

    Right. That's why I usually made sure that undereating was consistent. Some people fast 2 days a week. All the time...not so healthy.

  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
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    I delete those people. This one lady had her diary closed, so I didn't know right away how much she was eating. When she finally opened it, I noticed that she was consistently eating under 1000. I sent her a message explaining my feelings about it . she replied by saying it was the only way she would lose weight so needed to eat that low. So I just said that I couldn't support that and removed her. But I did try to reach out and explain why it isn't a good idea , in case she wasn't aware and didn't know better. There are some people that truly don't know any better so I didn't want to just delete her without explaining the reasons why vlcd isn't a good idea .
  • Akimajuktuq
    Akimajuktuq Posts: 3,037 Member
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    ^ Yeah, if one doesn't understand a lifestyle best not to even mention it.

    You can delete anyone you want, no explanations required. I don't support under-eating and I say so right in my profile (and more). I might say something once or twice but will usually come under attack by the other "friends" who are cheering on the starvation. Yup, no time for that. Delete.
  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
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    Ellaskat wrote: »
    Just a thought- some people do intermittent fasting, or high days and low days. Totally reasonable way to go about this weight loss thing. Though I'm not an IFer, I do have days that show as maybe 700-800 calories - 2 reasons- I usually don't eat more than 1/2 of exercise calories back, I also have days that are 200-400 over my cal range. My weekly numbers even out to where I'm supposed to be though. Maybe others are the same way.

    im totally understanding of having some low days then some high days. i mean more if its weeks on end of 400-900 calories days with only 1 or 2 days per week over 1200. it would be super hard to stay always 100-200 cals within your range.

  • ameliajane90
    ameliajane90 Posts: 24 Member
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    Ok, quick check in here. I'm on a 1,200 cal a day plan (yada yada yada I'm 5 foot nothing, yes its healthy). There are some days, when I'm below my goal. I still usually come in between 850-1,200 even if I've skipped a meal though (I work weird hours, it happens) That being said that's my total calorie intake and it doesn't happen often. HOWEVER if you're looking at net calories that's a whole different ballgame. My net calories can easily be down below the 600-700 range if I get a good workout in, even if I'm eating until I'm stuffed. Just wanted to check in because for those of us on the low end under eating can happen occasionally.

    That being said, if this is someone who should be eating significantly more, and who is purposefully making unhealthy choices I say go ahead and unfriend them. If you want you could privately message them though. That way it's not a public shame fest.
  • Dragn77
    Dragn77 Posts: 810 Member
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    You know...reading more here... I see a lot of "its something *I* dont think is healthly" "Its not what *I* would do" putting limits on how long IF should last based on what one woudl personally do...etc etc...

    Maybe its just my personality! But....I dont expect or demand that people on my friends list only do what I would do. In the grand scheme of things (just how I look at it from where I sit!) the only person who I can be sure of is myself..and even then Im no expert LoL

    I have no idea who is under drs orders, if someone is on or off meds, what is going on in someones personal life (I know when I went through my breakup, I survived on donuts and coffee) etc etc. And yeah, I just cant imagine feeling like people have to do things the way I approve or else I cant accept them.

    BUT if I did feel that way!!! If what other people did bothered me that much, I would do myself a favour, and just remove them. Why be frustrated, why create drama by confronting someone to say they should do things your way, why not just...realize that you have ideals / limits / and work within that to make sure and only keep friends who have teh same lifestyle that you do that way youre not bothered, frustrated and stressed out all the time over what other people choose to do. That to me would be the best way to go about it.
  • LuckyMe2017
    LuckyMe2017 Posts: 454 Member
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    What type of friends do you want? If it's those on the same page as you when it comes to weight loss regimen, you probably need to do a lot of deleting. I personally welcome different personalities who have various levels of knowledge about weight loss.
    Who knows, you might be the one to get the 600 calorie eating person on track.

    Fyi- I do delete people who demonstrate disrespect and negative energy.
  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
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    thanks for everyones input. i originally had thought about posting on my own board just so people would know why i would remove them. i have decided to just remove those i truly felt had a very unhealthy calorie intake. if they would like to know why they would be able to message me. it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices. and it really is only my own opinion. just because i don't think its healthy doesn't mean i should push it on them. thank u
  • Mr_Knight
    Mr_Knight Posts: 9,532 Member
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    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.

    It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?

  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
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    Mr_Knight wrote: »
    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.

    It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?

    i don't believe i mentioned anyone by name. if they do read it i suppose they will know how i feel about very low calorie diets. maybe they will be upset at me. maybe they will wonder if they're diet is healthy.
  • Dragn77
    Dragn77 Posts: 810 Member
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    I think thats good Jenn... I mean, I understand a genuine concern / want to help. But I also believe in helping those who actually want it... If someone expresses concern or asks for advice, Ill do my best, but unsolicited advice rarely ends well.

    Not too late for anything LoL like I said, when I deleted people, they didnt even notice. Id guess, if you deleted someone who felt bad about your choice to do so, and they valued your friendship on here, they will speak up and tell you.
  • jenncornelsen
    jenncornelsen Posts: 969 Member
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    Dragn77 wrote: »
    I think thats good Jenn... I mean, I understand a genuine concern / want to help. But I also believe in helping those who actually want it... If someone expresses concern or asks for advice, Ill do my best, but unsolicited advice rarely ends well.

    Not too late for anything LoL like I said, when I deleted people, they didnt even notice. Id guess, if you deleted someone who felt bad about your choice to do so, and they valued your friendship on here, they will speak up and tell you.

    thank u . i didnt post this thread to be malicious or hurtful. i honestly wanted to know what others would do in the situation. i had never removed anyone because i don't want to hurt people's feelings, but at the same time it bothered me when i saw the lengths certain people seemed willing to go to to lose weight. it's not important to me to have tons of friends. so maybe i will push a few people away with this post but maybe others will be on the same page.
  • PharmGirl522
    PharmGirl522 Posts: 51 Member
    edited March 2015
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    See, this kind of ties in with the thread the other day about why so many people keep their diaries closed. I mean, you don't actually know if the people you're talking about are actually *eating* that little, or if there are other things that they just aren't logging.

    You have no way of really knowing whether those entries are indicative of what they're actually eating unless you flat-out ask them, and they'll most likely tell you that what they're eating (or not eating) is none of your business. And they would be right. They don't have any obligation to you to eat the way you think they should be eating.

    If it bothers you that much, then just delete those people. Simple as that. And no, there is no need to tell them you're deleting them, or to explain why. They probably aren't going to care, anyhow. If it bothers you that much that people on your friends list aren't eating the way *you* think they should, then don't follow them.
  • PharmGirl522
    PharmGirl522 Posts: 51 Member
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    Mr_Knight wrote: »
    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.

    It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?

    ^^This. It became too late to "just delete them" when you made this post. If you didn't want to shame them for their choices, you could have simply removed them and not gone looking for validation from other people.

  • ana3067
    ana3067 Posts: 5,623 Member
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    PharmGirl522 wrote: »
    See, this kind of ties in with the thread the other day about why so many people keep their diaries closed. I mean, you don't actually know if the people you're talking about are actually *eating* that little, or if there are other things that they just aren't logging.

    You have no way of really knowing whether those entries are indicative of what they're actually eating unless you flat-out ask them, and they'll most likely tell you that what they're eating (or not eating) is none of your business. And they would be right. They don't have any obligation to you to eat the way you think they should be eating.

    If it bothers you that much, then just delete those people. Simple as that. And no, there is no need to tell them you're deleting them, or to explain why. They probably aren't going to care, anyhow. If it bothers you that much that people on your friends list aren't eating the way *you* think they should, then don't follow them.

    out of my 114 friends (I just went and deleted like 20 or so - some had deactivated, others had consistently VLCD logging), only a handful have closed diaries. Everyone else appears to be eating reasonably, even if lower calorie than what I'd eat.

    If you flat out ask me if what I log is what I'm actually eating, I will tell you "yes, it is." I am currently eating my logged fajitas (meal entry "Two"). No one I befriend on MFP is obliged to eat 125g of protein, 65g of fat, and 200+g of carbs at 2150 calories. But if I'm going to associate with them, they better damn well be eating no less than 1200 and 1500 for women and men, respectively. If I see someone who is eating less than that regularly, and their profile does not clearly indicate "hey I don't really use this website to log everything, just to check up periodically" then I take that to mean that they have a different POV regarding weight loss and fitness. And I do not feel the need to associate with people like that.

    Much like I'm unlikely to befriend the girl I'm working on a presentation with for class, who told me on Friday that she is trying to drink more water... one of her reasons being that she needs to drink at least 10 cups to help flush out the toxins causing her red eyes. You can believe that all you want, but I'm not going to actively decide to interact with you more based on that.

    My one exception is for individuals who are openly working on overcoming ED. I will add them, and try to be supportive, and I understand that htey will not always be eating as much as they should. Mental illness isn't overcome overnight.
  • ana3067
    ana3067 Posts: 5,623 Member
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    PharmGirl522 wrote: »
    Mr_Knight wrote: »
    jenncornelsen wrote: »
    it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.

    It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?

    ^^This. It became too late to "just delete them" when you made this post. If you didn't want to shame them for their choices, you could have simply removed them and not gone looking for validation from other people.

    I see no problem with her asking this. I once asked if I should report a user I came across who was clearly doing VLCD and was underage. I wanted to know whether what I thought would be reasonable WAS reasonable. Some people here have said that they wouldn't delete simply based on others following a VLCD, and others here have told her why they would delete these people. She didn't say "becky_sue928 on my friendslist eats 600 calories every day, I should delete here right?"

    The only reason I felt comfortable adding my friend request blurb on my profile was because someone on my FL said she does this and kept getting blank FR, so I commented on that and decided to try it as well to keep my FL more reasonable. I initially felt bad rejecting people but then realized that other people do this too, and their reasons are valid, and my reasons are just as valid, so I have no reason to feel bad about it. Seems to be a similar situation for OP here.

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