supporting your mfp friends....or not.
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thanks for everyones input. i originally had thought about posting on my own board just so people would know why i would remove them. i have decided to just remove those i truly felt had a very unhealthy calorie intake. if they would like to know why they would be able to message me. it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices. and it really is only my own opinion. just because i don't think its healthy doesn't mean i should push it on them. thank u0
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jenncornelsen wrote: »it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.
It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?
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jenncornelsen wrote: »it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.
It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?
i don't believe i mentioned anyone by name. if they do read it i suppose they will know how i feel about very low calorie diets. maybe they will be upset at me. maybe they will wonder if they're diet is healthy.0 -
I think thats good Jenn... I mean, I understand a genuine concern / want to help. But I also believe in helping those who actually want it... If someone expresses concern or asks for advice, Ill do my best, but unsolicited advice rarely ends well.
Not too late for anything LoL like I said, when I deleted people, they didnt even notice. Id guess, if you deleted someone who felt bad about your choice to do so, and they valued your friendship on here, they will speak up and tell you.0 -
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I think thats good Jenn... I mean, I understand a genuine concern / want to help. But I also believe in helping those who actually want it... If someone expresses concern or asks for advice, Ill do my best, but unsolicited advice rarely ends well.
Not too late for anything LoL like I said, when I deleted people, they didnt even notice. Id guess, if you deleted someone who felt bad about your choice to do so, and they valued your friendship on here, they will speak up and tell you.
thank u . i didnt post this thread to be malicious or hurtful. i honestly wanted to know what others would do in the situation. i had never removed anyone because i don't want to hurt people's feelings, but at the same time it bothered me when i saw the lengths certain people seemed willing to go to to lose weight. it's not important to me to have tons of friends. so maybe i will push a few people away with this post but maybe others will be on the same page.0 -
See, this kind of ties in with the thread the other day about why so many people keep their diaries closed. I mean, you don't actually know if the people you're talking about are actually *eating* that little, or if there are other things that they just aren't logging.
You have no way of really knowing whether those entries are indicative of what they're actually eating unless you flat-out ask them, and they'll most likely tell you that what they're eating (or not eating) is none of your business. And they would be right. They don't have any obligation to you to eat the way you think they should be eating.
If it bothers you that much, then just delete those people. Simple as that. And no, there is no need to tell them you're deleting them, or to explain why. They probably aren't going to care, anyhow. If it bothers you that much that people on your friends list aren't eating the way *you* think they should, then don't follow them.0 -
jenncornelsen wrote: »it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.
It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?
^^This. It became too late to "just delete them" when you made this post. If you didn't want to shame them for their choices, you could have simply removed them and not gone looking for validation from other people.
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PharmGirl522 wrote: »See, this kind of ties in with the thread the other day about why so many people keep their diaries closed. I mean, you don't actually know if the people you're talking about are actually *eating* that little, or if there are other things that they just aren't logging.
You have no way of really knowing whether those entries are indicative of what they're actually eating unless you flat-out ask them, and they'll most likely tell you that what they're eating (or not eating) is none of your business. And they would be right. They don't have any obligation to you to eat the way you think they should be eating.
If it bothers you that much, then just delete those people. Simple as that. And no, there is no need to tell them you're deleting them, or to explain why. They probably aren't going to care, anyhow. If it bothers you that much that people on your friends list aren't eating the way *you* think they should, then don't follow them.
out of my 114 friends (I just went and deleted like 20 or so - some had deactivated, others had consistently VLCD logging), only a handful have closed diaries. Everyone else appears to be eating reasonably, even if lower calorie than what I'd eat.
If you flat out ask me if what I log is what I'm actually eating, I will tell you "yes, it is." I am currently eating my logged fajitas (meal entry "Two"). No one I befriend on MFP is obliged to eat 125g of protein, 65g of fat, and 200+g of carbs at 2150 calories. But if I'm going to associate with them, they better damn well be eating no less than 1200 and 1500 for women and men, respectively. If I see someone who is eating less than that regularly, and their profile does not clearly indicate "hey I don't really use this website to log everything, just to check up periodically" then I take that to mean that they have a different POV regarding weight loss and fitness. And I do not feel the need to associate with people like that.
Much like I'm unlikely to befriend the girl I'm working on a presentation with for class, who told me on Friday that she is trying to drink more water... one of her reasons being that she needs to drink at least 10 cups to help flush out the toxins causing her red eyes. You can believe that all you want, but I'm not going to actively decide to interact with you more based on that.
My one exception is for individuals who are openly working on overcoming ED. I will add them, and try to be supportive, and I understand that htey will not always be eating as much as they should. Mental illness isn't overcome overnight.0 -
PharmGirl522 wrote: »jenncornelsen wrote: »it is of course they're life and i won't shame them for the choices.
It might be a little late for that...presumably, those same people you are talking about are reading this very thread....no?
^^This. It became too late to "just delete them" when you made this post. If you didn't want to shame them for their choices, you could have simply removed them and not gone looking for validation from other people.
I see no problem with her asking this. I once asked if I should report a user I came across who was clearly doing VLCD and was underage. I wanted to know whether what I thought would be reasonable WAS reasonable. Some people here have said that they wouldn't delete simply based on others following a VLCD, and others here have told her why they would delete these people. She didn't say "becky_sue928 on my friendslist eats 600 calories every day, I should delete here right?"
The only reason I felt comfortable adding my friend request blurb on my profile was because someone on my FL said she does this and kept getting blank FR, so I commented on that and decided to try it as well to keep my FL more reasonable. I initially felt bad rejecting people but then realized that other people do this too, and their reasons are valid, and my reasons are just as valid, so I have no reason to feel bad about it. Seems to be a similar situation for OP here.0 -
i appreciate all input. i understand not everyone is going to agree with the things i do. thats fine u certainly dont need to. like i said i named no names. i asked because i wanted to know if others thought it would be a good idea to let people know why , or not. i understood when i posted this thread that some people would take it in a different way, it's bound to happen on a public forum. but that was not my intent. we all want friends to reach they're goals and if we can help them get there. i simply wanted to know how others 'let go' of ones they felt they could not help with they're goals.0
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I never delete anyone. My "friends" usually delete me cause all of the filthy perverted talk and cussing I do on my page! Dang prudes!0
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This brings to me another question. What about those that constantly overeat, like 500-1500 a day, and NONE of the food is nutrient rich, then they complain they aren't losing and don't know why. Do you approach them with advice, do you delete them?
I have someone who will quick add "X" calories for EVERYTHING. just the calories, and they're always significantly over. I'm assuming they estimate, and more than likely under.
When they complained about not losing, I suggested using actual entries instead of just quick add everything, and trying to keep the suggested number out of the red. They became quite offended, said I was saying they lied about the food they eat, and that they know they eat exactly that amount. (Who eats EXACTLY 600, 400, 800 etc at a time?)0 -
i had an incidents like that as well hollyrayburn. i would message them directly and give pointers and tips for ways to be more accurate. if they're new it can take some time to adjust. often if they don't improve well.....they aren't going to lose and will probably give up0
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hollyrayburn wrote: »This brings to me another question. What about those that constantly overeat, like 500-1500 a day, and NONE of the food is nutrient rich, then they complain they aren't losing and don't know why. Do you approach them with advice, do you delete them?
I have someone who will quick add "X" calories for EVERYTHING. just the calories, and they're always significantly over. I'm assuming they estimate, and more than likely under.
When they complained about not losing, I suggested using actual entries instead of just quick add everything, and trying to keep the suggested number out of the red. They became quite offended, said I was saying they lied about the food they eat, and that they know they eat exactly that amount. (Who eats EXACTLY 600, 400, 800 etc at a time?)
Someone on my FL does this but I've not seen any complaints. My guess is that some people do this because htey are just estimating calories throughout the day. I've seen some people post about this method instead of logging all food.
If I had a friend though complaining about lack of results, I look through their diary and give them the pretty standard advice regarding proper logging and water intake (water weight woes). I haven't noticed anyone consistently over-eating though unless bulking!0 -
If they complained they arent losing, then yeah, Id totally say something.
Im all about the food scale since I finally got one, actually, thats my advice no matter what nowadays LoL I learn one new thing, and Im off and running with it. Hah!0 -
I was just defriended because I made a comment on someone's page about their rapid weight loss. She has lost 18 pounds in two weeks and generally logs a 1-3 pound loss every day. I commented that she was doing a great job, but to be prepared for a possible plateau. And to not get frustrated because she has been doing awesome. I was worried because she seems like the kind of person who would easily get derailed over a 0 or a gain one day (because she weighs and logs every day). I was trying to be encouraging, but apparently it wasn't. Oh well.0
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I wish I had to bulk up, lol.
I think this person will come of my FL. I still co spider myself a newbie, being in here in and off for years, and just being serious since 12/22/14. I saw a doctor and nutritionist, took adipex x 1 month (please no backlash, I used it only that short time to "train" my eating triggers, off it now! Lol). I seek reputable help on these forums, and I feel I'm getting the hang of things now.
I just don't get why people get offended when you tell them why. *shrug*0 -
Usually, I will mention it, gently, once. If they keep it up over time, I'll delete them. If you have a bunch, you might have stumbled into a patch of pro-anas. They show up on here at times. Be careful of them.0
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The really sad and dangerous thing is that commenting and expressing concern about undereating may well work as an incentive to carry on, if the person already has a distorted body image and eating pattern. Nothing you'll say or do can convince them otherwise. Eating disorders are scary and persistent. I guess I'd just unfriend if I discovered someone consistent VLCD'ing.0
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Isn't all of this sort of like refusing to give money to a homeless person if you don't think they'll spend it as you believe they should?
I dunno. I did the whole log stalking thing when I was new here, but then I realized that I honestly don't care. If there was a way to turn off seeing autoposts about diaries and workouts in my feed I would do that in a heartbeat. It's not that I don't care about the people on my FL. It's that I don't care to mother them. I have all the advice if someone asks. If they don't ask then I assume that they either know what they are doing, or will soon enough figure out that they don't.
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I always clear my list out of unhealthy tactics. Since it's my journey too, it's just preference. I look for friendships that are seeking healthy changes - more exercise, better eating, no drastic dieting. If someone is too extreme for me, I delete. Just preference.0
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Isn't all of this sort of like refusing to give money to a homeless person if you don't think they'll spend it as you believe they should?
I actually won't give money to a homeless/begging person, lol. I will ask then what they need/want to eat. I'll get them a restaurant meal, or if they have a place to put them, groceries. If they refuse that and say "I'll just take the money" then they get nothing. If they were hungry, they'd take the food. If they need a bill paid, they'll tell me which one!0 -
You know...reading more here... I see a lot of "its something *I* dont think is healthly" "Its not what *I* would do" putting limits on how long IF should last based on what one woudl personally do...etc etc...
Maybe its just my personality! But....I dont expect or demand that people on my friends list only do what I would do. In the grand scheme of things (just how I look at it from where I sit!) the only person who I can be sure of is myself..and even then Im no expert LoL
I have no idea who is under drs orders, if someone is on or off meds, what is going on in someones personal life (I know when I went through my breakup, I survived on donuts and coffee) etc etc. And yeah, I just cant imagine feeling like people have to do things the way I approve or else I cant accept them.
BUT if I did feel that way!!! If what other people did bothered me that much, I would do myself a favour, and just remove them. Why be frustrated, why create drama by confronting someone to say they should do things your way, why not just...realize that you have ideals / limits / and work within that to make sure and only keep friends who have teh same lifestyle that you do that way youre not bothered, frustrated and stressed out all the time over what other people choose to do. That to me would be the best way to go about it.
This.
I know this isn't likely the case since you said you have multiple friends that are logging very suspicious calorie intakes...but it could be because they're using multiple programs. On my other MFP account I had linked in all sorts of other accounts and at first thought they were all communicating correctly and then realized that some stuff was being double counted, others not at all. I'd log through a fitness tracker (which should sync with MFP in a reasonable amount of time) and it wouldn't necessarily...so half of my day would be logged, or only exercise would be logged.
But honestly, that's probably not the case for the majority, so I'd stick with your gut and do what helps YOU (and maybe them in the long run if they decide to ask why).0 -
I personally wouldn't delete someone logging very low but would try and advise them about what they're doing wrong.
In the past I've eaten 800-950 cals per day for quite a few months and was able to lose weight at around 2.5lbs a week. In my case, even with exercise its the only way I can lose at that rate and for some people that's all that matters.
Now I am older and because I found I gained again very easily each time I did that and then went back to eating normally, I have decided to eat a lot more and slow down my weight loss. I'm not 100% happy about my rate of loss but I now eat an average of 1300 per day and do 5:2 fasting so some days I eat 1600 cals and 2 days a week it's 550. I am only losing 0.5-1lb a week but I know it's better for me and I'm getting added health benefit from Intermittent Fasting too. I also feel it allows me to stick to it more easily as most days I can eat a bit more of what I really want.0 -
Isn't all of this sort of like refusing to give money to a homeless person if you don't think they'll spend it as you believe they should?
I dunno. I did the whole log stalking thing when I was new here, but then I realized that I honestly don't care. If there was a way to turn off seeing autoposts about diaries and workouts in my feed I would do that in a heartbeat. It's not that I don't care about the people on my FL. It's that I don't care to mother them. I have all the advice if someone asks. If they don't ask then I assume that they either know what they are doing, or will soon enough figure out that they don't.
Just curious, what kind of interaction do you like with your FR then? I'm wondering because I've also seen a couple threads where posters wanted the friends feature deactivated for their account
Whoa, never mind. I was actually able to creep your newsfeed using the iOS app profile hijack bug/feature. Looks like you guys have a blast!
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BeardedStudWarrior wrote: »I never delete anyone. My "friends" usually delete me cause all of the filthy perverted talk and cussing I do on my page! Dang prudes!
not so much perverted talking but I am quite liberal with the profanities myself LOL I've had a few people delete me, though really the only way i noticed was because their blog popped up on the recent blogs and i read it and im like ' oh im friends with her' and clicked on her profile and hmmm nope were not friends any more LOL. Which is TOTALLY fine (even though i thought she was awesome). For whatever reason (and its certainly not because i starve myself!) she didnt like me/click with me/ want to be my friend/ whatever. its all good. no hard feelings. its the *kitten* internet.
and back to the original point, yes, i too will delete if i see someone is routinely eating below 1100/1000 calories. I won't tell them how to live or lose weight, but i make the choice that that is not the type of lifestyle I want to encourage or support. i have a lot of things ill delete people for, actually. LOLOLOL :P
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I don't look at other people's logs unless they ask for help. However, if I did see something like that, I'd probably ask why they are eating so little. I mean it could be that they had WLS and are still on a medically supervised diet. It could be that they don't realize how unhealthy it is or they might know and just not care. The WLS patient, I won't delete. The person who didn't realize, I try to help. The one who doesn't care may just end up removed from my friends list. I only say "may" because again, I don't look at other people's logs all that often. I don't "like" posts that have to do with a log being completed either, because to me hitting the "like" button implies that I actually looked at it.0
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Ya know, i guess i just dont understand why others want to give advice. If its asked for, then go for it. But i wouldnt comment negatively on anyones diary unless im asked. Food, weight loss and all the life changes and struggles that come along with trying to change a lifetimes of habits are very personal in my opinion.
I had two friends private message me because i had about a week or two netting less than 1200calories. I happened to have started a new position (new shift) and just got my fitbit charge hr (which ive finally realized that the calorie adjustments are inflated for me). I was on a learning curve. The first person was a friend whose opinion i value, and she was factual in explaining that she might unfriend me, as our goals werent as similar as once thought. The second person was very judgemental and preachy. Im still friends with the first person, as i think after i explained myself, she understood a little more. Honestly, it reallllly messed with me and my success here. Ive just recently felt like im starting to get back to a place im happy with. Because of comments, i ended up overeating more than usual, and stopped losing. It seriously messed with my head. Honestly, i wish the second person wouldve just unfriended me. No harm done that way. Its rather silly to get upset over losing one "friend", unless its one you really value.
I just want others to be aware that you cannot know whats going on in someones life just by looking at their diary. I think it was right for you to post to get others opinions and just talk it out. I fully agree this is your journey, and you should do whatever is the most helpful for you.0 -
I've only deleted one person from my friends list...and that had nothing to do with her calorie patterns or food choices. She just saw fit to comment on a status update I made, to inform me that "the word god should always be capitalized unless you are referring to a false idol."
....Um....no. *delete* I'm here to track my *kitten* food, not get a *kitten* lecture on religion and the proper way in which to refer to religious figures.
Anyway. It's up to each individual person who they want to have as friends here. If they aren't fitting the image of who you want to be friends with, then delete them. No explanation necessary.
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