Dating while being fat

fsuxo2003

This is a great thread!!! You deserve a pat on the back just for starting it and being honest with yourself, because that's the first step!

I was chubby when I was younger (ok and in the not so distant past as well....), I can remember one kid telling me that 'slimfast should be my best friend.' Ugh. Kids can be so cruel! I am your classic 'yo-yo-er' Meaning, I have been super skinny and I have been chunky.

Anyway, at 30 years old I have JUST started to realize that no matter what I weigh, I have dating problems. When I was skinnier, I probably blew off some really nice guys......when I was (am) chunky, I'm sure it kept some nice guys from giving me a second glance. What remained a constant was my bad self-image.

I realized that while our society stresses the importance of relationships, you DON'T NEED A BOYFRIEND TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!! It literally just occurred to me about 6 months ago that I'd prefer my dog's and my own company over most guys I've dated in the past. I love working out FOR ME. I like feeling healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I still hope to one day find a 'partner' in life but right now I am enjoying all the wonderful things life has to offer, and taking time to visit friends, and family.

Anyway - again I say that while I don't even know you - how proud I am that you started this thread - and you may not even realize what a great first step that was towards becoming healthy.....on the inside!

I leave you with words from the great Elle Woods (from Legally Blonde)....Just remember that: "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't. "

mymelody_78

My weight loss started when I found out my husband was cheating on me.

So did my dating life...

Needless to say, I'm still single and I'm still working on ME.

Quite honestly, you have to LOVE yourself first before anyone else can. Cliche, I know. But so very true. When I was still a much bigger girl (280 lbs and still super effing awesome!) I dated A LOT, a few stuck around for more than a few weeks, but nothing bloomed into a relationship. I also had A LOT of casual sex, (note: I'm definitely not bragging!! I've realized that was due to my insecurities and the need to feel "sexy")

Failed attempts at relationships + casual sex + plus fat chick with emotional issues = Not a good combo.

The truth is, it wasn't my weight that was the problem. It was MY issue with my weight. It was ME. (It's still me!:o)

I've since taken a break from dating. I'm working really hard to become the person (physically) that I want to become, and when your emotions are involved with another person, I find it's hard to do that.

So maybe take a break from find a man, and work on YOU. Not saying your imperfect at all, but clearly YOU have a issue with your weight that you need to deal with? (That sounds harsh, like I'm calling names, but I'm not. I'm speaking on an emotional level.)


On a funny note: I read a comment the other day, "Men are like blenders. We all feel like we NEED one, but once we get it, we forget what exactly we needed it for" It made me giggle.

Wow...this sounds like what I am going through. I am glad to be here though and have the support that I need to lose some weight. Hopefully I can now have more confidence...

I am concerned that I will have issues with dating after losing weight. I think I will be worried that someone that I meet when I am skinner will see older pictures of me and be afraid that I will go back to that. =/

dox1000

So here is a guys perspective that might be slightly different than what you are hearing here.

I was in great shape in college (think national champion sports team shape) and was often exposed to many women of all shapes and persuasions. I have to say that some of the sexiest women I ever met during that time were heavy...not fat...heavy.

This is just my opinion, but what I think made them awesome was that they had lost some weight, they felt confident, and the inner cool chick came out to play. Trust me, guys noticed. Maybe the plan for you is to focus on the weight till you start to look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I am starting to look good". When that voice comes out, that might be the time to start dating. I think that voice will appear long before you have 6 pac abs, but that may be the kick you need to go out on the date and ooze cool chick, rather than self-conscious chick.

This may not be a popular opinion, but it just just another tool for the tool box. Unfortunately, guys do sense when a woman who is overweight knows it...I was just trying to come up with a plan that helps you avoid worrying about it when you are on a date.
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rml_16

I've only read the first post, but I assume he saw you before that date.

In that case, why would the weight suddenly be the issue? Guys can be odd. I tried online dating a couple years ago and I had one correspondence go this way:

We e-mailed a couple times and then he asked to meet for coffee the following weekend. He even named a specific place. I wrote back and said I was free either day and would be happy to meet when it was convenient for him.

Never heard from him again.

toots99

I'll never forget something my mother said to me years and years ago. "Boys don't like fat girls." It broke my heart to hear her say that to me. She was never one to say mean things to me, but oh, how that killed me.

twinsfan1976

I guess I don't have a lot of advice on this topic. I have not had a date in a few years. Just don't feel confident enough to approach and ladies in my current state I guess. I did have a blind date set up a couple weeks ago, but she canceled. Yowch!

toots99

I guess I don't have a lot of advice on this topic. I have not had a date in a few years. Just don't feel confident enough to approach and ladies in my current state I guess. I did have a blind date set up a couple weeks ago, but she canceled. Yowch!

I've started being more confident lately, even tried going up to guys and chatting them up. So far it's gone well, even if there weren't any results like a date or anything, the guys have been nice and polite. You should try just talking to a girl...I'd love it if more guys came up and talked to me!

And I'd much prefer to date a "bigger" guy...I'd be able to relate to them much more. I can't relate to what it's like to be skinny...plus, I'd feel like I'd "break" a skinny guy. :laugh:

twinsfan1976

Very cool. There is this girl at work I like a lot and I did make it a point to just go up and talk to her. Our jobs don't overlap at all so its hard to come up with a reason to talk to her, but I usually just walk right into her office and start talking. LOL, probably not the most effective strategy but she has always been very nice to me and seems like she doesn't mind talking to me. It just feels a tiny bit awkward since I usually run out of conversation pretty quickly. Maybe someday I will get the courage to just ask her out, but for now I guess it's cool.

rml_16

I'll never forget something my mother said to me years and years ago. "Boys don't like fat girls." It broke my heart to hear her say that to me. She was never one to say mean things to me, but oh, how that killed me.

Some don't. And some don't like skinny girls and some do.

That was a horrible thing for your mother to say to you. :-(

One of my best friends since middle school is morbidly obese and is engaged to one of the nicest guys I ever met. And she deserves it!

allie7383

Great thread!! I also admire the OP for raising this whole issue because self image is one the biggest things I struggle with.. I'm 27, and my longest relationship has been all of 3 and a half months. I've had a decent amount of interactions with guys over the years, but that was the most serious..Over the years my confidence has basically become non-existent..People tell me all the time how funny, pretty, smart, interesting, etc I am, but I think to myself... If I'm so wonderful why am I single? It doesn't help in these times of Facebook and such, when all you see is your high school and college friends getting engaged/married/having kids. I know at this point in my life I don't want to be married, but I do get lonely and would like to have someone to spend time with.
I guess my other big thing is that I'm pretty shy with the whole going up to people and talking idea. Like you, twinsfan, I run out of convo ideas quickly, and get nervous and stumble over myself. I've done the online thing with no great success, and I don't get to go out much because I work night shift, which includes working every other weekend. At this point I'm getting so sick of being miserable about being single, that I'm trying to really focus on myself-- that includes losing weight and applying to grad school. Sorry for the rant, but reading through the posts made it come out!
As far as giving any advice.. (which I should listen to myself in saying this) Try to think of all the positives in your life, whether it's your kids, job, places you've seen, weight loss, whatever! And also realize that not everything is sunshine and daises just because you're with someone..

toots99

Great thread!! I also admire the OP for raising this whole issue because self image is one the biggest things I struggle with.. I'm 27, and my longest relationship has been all of 3 and a half months. I've had a decent amount of interactions with guys over the years, but that was the most serious..Over the years my confidence has basically become non-existent..People tell me all the time how funny, pretty, smart, interesting, etc I am, but I think to myself... If I'm so wonderful why am I single? It doesn't help in these times of Facebook and such, when all you see is your high school and college friends getting engaged/married/having kids. I know at this point in my life I don't want to be married, but I do get lonely and would like to have someone to spend time with.
I guess my other big thing is that I'm pretty shy with the whole going up to people and talking idea. Like you, twinsfan, I run out of convo ideas quickly, and get nervous and stumble over myself. I've done the online thing with no great success, and I don't get to go out much because I work night shift, which includes working every other weekend. At this point I'm getting so sick of being miserable about being single, that I'm trying to really focus on myself-- that includes losing weight and applying to grad school. Sorry for the rant, but reading through the posts made it come out!
As far as giving any advice.. (which I should listen to myself in saying this) Try to think of all the positives in your life, whether it's your kids, job, places you've seen, weight loss, whatever! And also realize that not everything is sunshine and daises just because you're with someone..

Wow, every word of that was as if I could have writtn it myself...from the lack of long relationships to working the night shift and weekends!

allie7383

thanks toots.. nice to know you're not the only one feeling a certain way!