Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
jelie3110
Posts: 433
My 20 year old daughter has struggled with being overweight ever since she was 10. Her dad and I was divorced when she was 4 and shared custody of her. When she was at my house she would eat healthy foods like yogurt and fresh fruits for snacks, but at her dads it was McDonalds, cookies and Milk shakes. We did not get along well at all so reasoning with him about her eating habits never helped. Her father passed away when she was 16 which had a profound effect on her.....Initially she begun to lose weight as she was with me fulltime and I just don't buy junk food. However, when she turned 16 and started driving it all changed. She begun to go to fast food joints with her friends an the weight begun to creep back up. At this point she has to be weighing around 200 lbs. Every time I try to talk to her about it, she shuts down completely and doesn't talk to me for days....I have suggested paying for a nutricionist/personal trainer as she doesn't want to work out with me or even disciss it with me. I have also suggested doing counseling together, refused that too..... This morning I was vacuuming her room and found 4 empty boxes of frosted Valentines day cookies under her bed which promted me to look around in her room....I was in shock...empty boxes of cookies everywhere! In drawers, closets under the sink in her bathroom... I am devastated and so concerned for her health. I know I shouldn't snoop and that will really make her mad and feel voilated which I totally understand but I am her mom and I love her so much. I just want her to be healthy and happy but I can't get through to her, she won't even hear me out. HELP!!!!
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Replies
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Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
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I am not picking on her..... I actually care about her health...0
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Back off
Leave her alone
She's an adult and it is none of your business
Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight
Yep, all that. If and when she decides to make a change to her diet or fitness and asks you for help then you can offer guidance.0 -
This is an age where children are supposed to separate from their parents. Unfortunately other than loving her and being there when she asks for help there is nothing you can do. Sometimes we have to let our children fail so they can learn to succeed on their own.0
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This is not about her weight.
Offering to pay for a trainer or a nutritionist is not going to help. She KNOWS this food isn't healthy and it's causing her to gain weight, or she wouldn't be hiding it from you.
But she is. Because she can't trust you not to judge her.
I think she could probably use some counseling. WITHOUT you. When she's ready. Because she's a grown woman whose mother can't respect her boundaries.0 -
Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.0
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The more you push, the more she will shut down. Stop talking to her about it, stop snooping in her stuff, stop offering counseling/training/whatever. Trust her to make her own decisions. Since she's an adult, and you need to treat her like one.
Also this:Mine is insight from the daughter on the other end. Trust me there is nothing anyone could have done or said to change what I was doing. I had to do it for myself.
I did the same thing.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »
It's hard to just sit by and watch it happen..... But I hear what you are saying. I have a co-worker who was very overweight until just recently and she always tells me that she wishes that her mom would have gotten involved before her weight got so out of control.
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Wow, as a mom of three girls (adults now) I can say that raising a girl is really tough. I think the more you talk about her weight and what she eats, the more she will pull away from you, though. If you tell her you love her daily and let her know she is beautiful inside and out, she might someday feel secure enough to come to you on her own for help. She may be eating so she doesn't have to feel the grief about her dad, etc.
Again, from my own experience, the more you talk about it, the more she will pull away from confiding in you. Give her plenty of room to find herself as an adult. Treat her like an adult. After all, what we weigh is only a part of who we are. If her weight begins affecting her health, empower her to deal with it by trusting her to deal with it.
It may take a long time but just love her. One of the hardest things we do as moms is to allow them to spread their wings and leave us. Ouch! That hurt just typing that sentence! You sound like a loving and amazing mom and that is a blessing for any child. Good luck to you!0 -
I am not picking on her..... I actually care about her health...
No. REALLY. BACK OFF. Your post reads like my mother wrote it, and here I am at age 64, still battling my weight, still overcoming my unhealthy relationship with food and with 90 more pounds to lose. Leave her alone.
Of course you care about her health. My mom cared about my health too. She also dogged me about my weight, got upset about my closet eating and encouraged me to diet to the point where I also went crazy for fast food when I began to drive. She nagged me about my weight all my adult life, even after I had slimmed down to a size
Your daughter may have issues surrounding the divorce and then the death of her father. Those are two very tragic things to happen to a young girl, as you know. Tackle those things. Her overeating might just be a symptom of a deeper problem.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »
It's hard to just sit by and watch it happen..... But I hear what you are saying. I have a co-worker who was very overweight until just recently and she always tells me that she wishes that her mom would have gotten involved before her weight got so out of control.
I know it's hard, I am now a mother of 2boys and catch myself wishing I could fix all their problems for them. The thing with that is they never learn or grow if they aren't let to fail and fight to conquer. Strength is found in adversity and it is selfish of us as care divers to take these opportunities of growth away from our kids.0 -
Wow, I was hoping for some insight from someone who maybe had been in a similar situation.
And you got it. I was the daughter in your situation. Not only did I have a weight problem for most of my life, I also had a terrible relationship with my mother, and ten years after her death, I'm still not sure I've fully forgiven her. So there is a lot at stake in how you handle this.0 -
Not what you want to hear but:
You created this situation, someway, somehow you have pushed your daughter away from you. She does not feel comefortable being herself around you. You need to fix your relationship with her before you have any chance of helping her fix her diet.
Edited to add: as some people have said above, she will have to realize what she wants and do it for herself. When that time comes your support is welcome. Until that happens I think you are just making her feel inadequate or worse.0 -
Did you offer her her own counseling or only counseling together?0
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Anyone that tells you that they wish their mom put them on a diet has never had a mom that makes everything about your appearance! I agree with everyone else. My mom made me feel horrible when I was literally 10 lbs at most overweight! Take a breath and stop making it about what you want.0
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If you care for her health, care for both physical and emotional health. Overweight people KNOW they're overweight. If you're reminding her constantly or telling her what to eat, etc, you will succeed in two things: pushing her away from you, and damaging her mental state. She could react by eating more to cope emotionally, or she starve herself because "even her mother feels she is fat," (or something similar), which might be worse.
Please leave her alone. She's twenty. She's an adult. If she asks you for your opinion or your help, then great. Otherwise, she's figuring it out on her own. Work on building a relationship. Let her know you are a haven of support and unconditional love. When she's ready to make healthier decisions (IF you've built a good foundation with her), she will come to you for help. Even then, only work at her own pace. Don't ever push her to be uncomfortable.0 -
I too was speaking from the standpoint of the daughter who has been in this situation.
Your daughter is IN PAIN. I don't know if it's from the divorce or the loss of her father or something else, but I can promise you she is in some kind of emotional pain, and it's likely that pain is driving her to over eat and hide it.
As her mother, you may want to help, but like I said her weight is not the issue here.
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Did you offer her her own counseling or only counseling together?
I offered both.... We do talk very openly about life and things we've been through. We spend a lot of time together and have a great relationship. I never say anything negative to her about her appearance, I am always encouraging and give her compliments all the time. I began have approached about her eating habits from a health stand point, and only did so after she had high cholesterol on her bloodwork after her physical0 -
Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.0
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PeachyPlum wrote: »I too was speaking from the standpoint of the daughter who has been in this situation.
Your daughter is IN PAIN. I don't know if it's from the divorce or the loss of her father or something else, but I can promise you she is in some kind of emotional pain, and it's likely that pain is driving her to over eat and hide it.
As her mother, you may want to help, but like I said her weight is not the issue here.
I agree, I do think there is a lot more behind it. She's been through a lot for a girl her age...
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Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.0 -
carliekitty wrote: »Anyone that tells you that they wish their mom put them on a diet has never had a mom that makes everything about your appearance! I agree with everyone else. My mom made me feel horrible when I was literally 10 lbs at most overweight! Take a breath and stop making it about what you want.
I do not and would never put my daughter down, this is not about looks, she is beautiful inside and out which I tell her all the time. This is about her health0 -
Back off before she decides to move away far from you and have no contact with you. I know because my mother didn't respect my boundaries. It starts with one topic (in your case her weight and she's hating you for it), then that anger will overflow to everything else between both of you. Somewhat like in Tinacar's case, I'm still angry at my mother and I haven't spoken to her in forever and a day.
It was because of my mother that I found out what the cabbage soup diet was, or the military diet... etc etc etc... The more she told me to lose weight, the more I would go to fast food places to eat.
No matter how much you love you her, it has to be up to HER to WANT to lose the weight. STOP BUGGING HER ABOUT HER WEIGHT.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
That is a good idea:) She is so open with me about everything else but there is such a disconnect between us when it comes to food. We do tend to spend our Fridays together, she had to work today though:(. But if we go to Panera or something we usually get a salad. Maybe I should take her to a diner or something:)
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never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
That is a good idea:) She is so open with me about everything else but there is such a disconnect between us when it comes to food. We do tend to spend our Fridays together, she had to work today though:(. But if we go to Panera or something we usually get a salad. Maybe I should take her to a diner or something:)
Stay away from "health foods" make this a time to indulge together. This needs to let her know that she can eat what she wants in front of you and you won't make any comment on it.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
I agree, that sounds like a good idea!
Unfortunately, right now, it sounds like your daughter doesn't have trust in you, either out of her own personal shame, or the assumption that you dislike her whatever (having been the overweight daughter too, I can attest that often the "concern" gets interpreted as dislike or hatred because those are the feelings felt towards oneself and so we project that onto others. Regardless of it not being the case.) You need to open up a space for her where she feels no judgment, and only the unconditional love that you definitely have for her.
The brunch idea would let her know that she can be with you and that you're not judging her.
And maybe do some outings together that aren't necessarily exercise, but still physical, like walking around the mall, window shopping, mini golf...things that aren't geared towards a discussion of losing weight, but just something you two can do together to bond and enjoy one another's presence. Hopefully, she'll see such activities as enjoyable and it will start a positive affiliation with being active.
Unfortunately, there is no amount of talking, suggesting, discussing that will make her change her ways if she has no intention of doing so. I know the health concerns are there, and are very prevalent, but only she can realize she needs to change. She has to want it for herself in order to change.
I wish you and your daughter the best.0 -
never2bstopped wrote: »Just an idea...
If food is her comfort, and you want her to feel comfortable with you, maybe have a weekly brunch date with her. Indulge in food that tastes good regardless of how healthy you think it is. Don't talk about the food you are eating and be the one to order desert to share with her so she feels you are accepting of her eating indulgent items in front of you. Talk to her about what she wants to talk about and don't be judgmental in any way. If you do this enough she may stop closet eating because she feels you have truly accepted her.
It just may be a step to having her willing to open herself to you.
I agree, that sounds like a good idea!
Unfortunately, right now, it sounds like your daughter doesn't have trust in you, either out of her own personal shame, or the assumption that you dislike her whatever (having been the overweight daughter too, I can attest that often the "concern" gets interpreted as dislike or hatred because those are the feelings felt towards oneself and so we project that onto others. Regardless of it not being the case.) You need to open up a space for her where she feels no judgment, and only the unconditional love that you definitely have for her.
The brunch idea would let her know that she can be with you and that you're not judging her.
And maybe do some outings together that aren't necessarily exercise, but still physical, like walking around the mall, window shopping, mini golf...things that aren't geared towards a discussion of losing weight, but just something you two can do together to bond and enjoy one another's presence. Hopefully, she'll see such activities as enjoyable and it will start a positive affiliation with being active.
Unfortunately, there is no amount of talking, suggesting, discussing that will make her change her ways if she has no intention of doing so. I know the health concerns are there, and are very prevalent, but only she can realize she needs to change. She has to want it for herself in order to change.
I wish you and your daughter the best.
Thank you so much for your advice:) I really do appreciate it!
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I had a similar situation with my daughter, though her father is the food controller not me. When daughter was a child, her dad was very strict about sweets and junk food. At my house, Idc what she ate as long as she ate. I kept finding candy wrappers under her pillow and chocolates in her pockets (after being washed and chocolate everywhere *sigh*). She would spend a lot of time in her room or the bathroom and eat sweets. I talked to her about it (idk how much she understood because she was 5-6 at the time), saying, "You don't have to hide food. Idc what you eat, just please stop hiding it."
Idk if it helped since the 2 households had different ideas about eating and discipline. When I speak to her, she doesn't seem to argue as much with her dad about food.
I agree with others telling you to back off and leave her alone. Idk if you're being strict about what is "acceptable" to eat, but that was a big problem with my kid - she was rebelling the only way she could, by eating food her dad didn't think was "good" for her.0 -
Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.0
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