Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!

Hearts_2015

zyxst wrote: »

jelie3110 wrote: »

Farmerj2000 wrote: »

Some folks are brutal. I think it's pretty amazing you are concerned about your daughters health. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Instead of saying anything maybe suggest some new activities you can do together. Join a gym, signup for some dance classes. AND MFP! have you shared how supportive MFP can be. Maybe set some new fitness goals for yourself and get excited about it. Maybe it will rub off on her. Get her new BF involved.

I got her a gym membership, she was going initially an I was so excited and kept telling her I was so proud of her and how much fun it was to do it together. It only lasted for a short while then the excuses started, headaches, leg pain etc...... She never got back into it and she told me yesterday she wants me to cancel it. I hope she gets back on track....

Bolded. I understand being excited about someone doing what you want them to do, but when you keep telling her how excited you are, it gets annoying. You may not have said anything you felt was annoying or obnoxious, but it's easy to have your actions interpreted that way by someone who doesn't feel that excited.

ugh the bolded..that's what I read when I saw OP's post up above. Not SHE was so excited, but YOU were so excited... because then she would be doing what you truly want her to do in your eyes? Sounds like this is more about you than it is your daughters issue. It sounds like you have your food issues to deal with and are projecting them on her.

snowflake930

I know that you love her and want what is best for her, but it has to be her choice. Many of us can relate to this, either a parent, spouse, s.o., friend, or whomever, strongly suggesting we do "something". Ultimately, it causes resentment. Let her find her own way and time where she wants to do something to change. Support her by example, as you are doing, and try not to criticize her about her weight/eating habits. Maybe give her a link to the success stories on MFP, so she can read about people who have been able to make changes. Perhaps, like many of us, she is finding comfort in food. Unconditional love by those who we love the most, and know us best, especially when all involved are adults. Give her space, let her make the decision whether or not to change. Just love and support her for the person she is.

sofaking6

Hearts_2015 wrote: »

rabbitjb wrote: »

Back off

Leave her alone

She's an adult and it is none of your business

Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight

No clue why this is blocked and members have decided to click abuse on this member. What she's shared is the truth. 20 year old daughter is not 16 anymore..it's for her to make life decisions now. You may truly care but it's only her that can make the decision to change her habits.

As @rabbitjb shared... Love her up and make her feel accepted just as she is... try the opposite approach.. don't say ANYTHING about her body, weight, eating habits. Yes, tell her she's beautiful and you love her just as she is.

She's lost her father at a very young age and now has a Mother that cares but to your daughter it might not be coming across that way. If someone constantly brought up my eating, exercise, food choices etc. etc. I'd shut down too.

I just disagree (not about the flagging stuff) - I think if someone is doing a behavior that is a symptom of unresolved pain, it's perfectly okay for their mother to say, hey that behavior is a symptom of unresolved pain and how can I help with that pain.

I feel that she is crying out for help and ignoring her would be almost unforgivable. I'm really struggling to understand a couple of things here:

1) Why is everyone assuming that OP is "constantly bringing up her eating, exercise, food choices etc"? I'm quoting you but the majority of posters seem to have been exorcising their own demons. I didn't get anything from OP that indicated to me that she has been bothering her daughter about her looks or weight. Can you please tell me specifically what is making everyone see those things?

2) Why people want this poor girl to suffer alone and in silence? Secrets make you sick and here so many people are advocating the keeping of a destructive secret. Why?

Sapezzulo

Ok... So a few years ago I was in your daughter's shoes. I was a "closet eater" as you call it. Don't listen to anyone saying mind your business. She is your daughter... She is your business. But she's not going to change because of anything you say or do. The only way she is going to start eating better is when she comes to the decision herself. When she does make that decision she is going to remember all those times you nagged her about things she can do and she will know where to start.

Annr

Sapezzulo wrote: »

Ok... So a few years ago I was in your daughter's shoes. I was a "closet eater" as you call it. Don't listen to anyone saying mind your business. She is your daughter... She is your business. But she's not going to change because of anything you say or do. The only way she is going to start eating better is when she comes to the decision herself. When she does make that decision she is going to remember all those times you nagged her about things she can do and she will know where to start.

I agree with you. The closet eating are cries for help. Even though she won't admit it. I ate sweets in secret, because I was mourning the loss of my parents together as a couple, and mourning the fact that when I called my father he was never home. How can I father not be there for their child? So I would say, he is not my father, just a friend. Fathers should be there for their kids... I was messed up, and eating sweets filled the void. If my mother would've really connected with me, things might have been different. I had a teenagers point of view of the world, so who knows if I would've listened. Its hard to play the could've/should've/would've game.

jelie3110

sofaking6 wrote: »

Hearts_2015 wrote: »

rabbitjb wrote: »

Back off

Leave her alone

She's an adult and it is none of your business

Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight

No clue why this is blocked and members have decided to click abuse on this member. What she's shared is the truth. 20 year old daughter is not 16 anymore..it's for her to make life decisions now. You may truly care but it's only her that can make the decision to change her habits.

As @rabbitjb shared... Love her up and make her feel accepted just as she is... try the opposite approach.. don't say ANYTHING about her body, weight, eating habits. Yes, tell her she's beautiful and you love her just as she is.

She's lost her father at a very young age and now has a Mother that cares but to your daughter it might not be coming across that way. If someone constantly brought up my eating, exercise, food choices etc. etc. I'd shut down too.

I just disagree (not about the flagging stuff) - I think if someone is doing a behavior that is a symptom of unresolved pain, it's perfectly okay for their mother to say, hey that behavior is a symptom of unresolved pain and how can I help with that pain.

I feel that she is crying out for help and ignoring her would be almost unforgivable. I'm really struggling to understand a couple of things here:

1) Why is everyone assuming that OP is "constantly bringing up her eating, exercise, food choices etc"? I'm quoting you but the majority of posters seem to have been exorcising their own demons. I didn't get anything from OP that indicated to me that she has been bothering her daughter about her looks or weight. Can you please tell me specifically what is making everyone see those things?

2) Why people want this poor girl to suffer alone and in silence? Secrets make you sick and here so many people are advocating the keeping of a destructive secret. Why?

Thank you, I haven't said a word to her about her eating in over six months. I feel completely attacked by so many members who makes me look like a horrible mother and person....This is not at all what I expected from a forum that is supposed to be about supporting eachother. I will never stop caring about my daughter's health an wellbeing and refuse to take crap for it....I will be taking this thread down when I get home from work tonight as well as deleting my profile.

girlviernes

Let's face it, people are on here for lots of different reasons, and they very often jump to conclusions. All you can do is really search your heart and figure out what might have some truth to it and which words you can learn from, and which to let go of.

ksimmons19

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I was your daughter as well. I went through a lot as a child as well...I won't go into that now. But I have struggled with emotional eating since I was very young. I applaud you for wanting to help her and I can tell you are coming from a place of genuine concern for your daughter's well being and not from a place of vain attempts for her to look better. I truly wish that there was something I could say to help you but I'm afraid that my own mothers attempts to help me when I was binge eating as a child and adolescent were also viewed as an attack and made it worse. I'm sorry everyone is jumping down your throat when you were just looking for help. I think maybe if you just went about it from a perspective of "hey, you went through something awful...I think you need to talk to someone." It helps a lot. I refused it too when I was young and I wish so badly that I would have worked through my stuff then and not paying as much out of my own pocket now!!!!! haha. Good luck to you darling.

Sued0nim

jelie3110 wrote: »

sofaking6 wrote: »

Hearts_2015 wrote: »

rabbitjb wrote: »

Back off

Leave her alone

She's an adult and it is none of your business

Your job is to tell her how much you love her, how beautiful she is not to pick at her for being overweight

No clue why this is blocked and members have decided to click abuse on this member. What she's shared is the truth. 20 year old daughter is not 16 anymore..it's for her to make life decisions now. You may truly care but it's only her that can make the decision to change her habits.

As @rabbitjb shared... Love her up and make her feel accepted just as she is... try the opposite approach.. don't say ANYTHING about her body, weight, eating habits. Yes, tell her she's beautiful and you love her just as she is.

She's lost her father at a very young age and now has a Mother that cares but to your daughter it might not be coming across that way. If someone constantly brought up my eating, exercise, food choices etc. etc. I'd shut down too.

I just disagree (not about the flagging stuff) - I think if someone is doing a behavior that is a symptom of unresolved pain, it's perfectly okay for their mother to say, hey that behavior is a symptom of unresolved pain and how can I help with that pain.

I feel that she is crying out for help and ignoring her would be almost unforgivable. I'm really struggling to understand a couple of things here:

1) Why is everyone assuming that OP is "constantly bringing up her eating, exercise, food choices etc"? I'm quoting you but the majority of posters seem to have been exorcising their own demons. I didn't get anything from OP that indicated to me that she has been bothering her daughter about her looks or weight. Can you please tell me specifically what is making everyone see those things?

2) Why people want this poor girl to suffer alone and in silence? Secrets make you sick and here so many people are advocating the keeping of a destructive secret. Why?

Thank you, I haven't said a word to her about her eating in over six months. I feel completely attacked by so many members who makes me look like a horrible mother and person....This is not at all what I expected from a forum that is supposed to be about supporting eachother. I will never stop caring about my daughter's health an wellbeing and refuse to take crap for it....I will be taking this thread down when I get home from work tonight as well as deleting my profile.

I haven't returned to this thread since my 2nd post on the first page because it was obvious how it was going to go. I'm only responding to the last couple if posts because it hit my notifications

I still think mine, and many others, advice regarding backing off from overly-interfering parenting in an adults eating / weight / body issues is highly appropriate. And when I left this thread my impression was you accepted that POV which comes from many grown-up daughters' personal experiences

Advice is given based on your question and Your opening post said the opposite, it said you talk to her about her weight, offer her advice and treatment and react to food hidden in her room ...in fact this is what you said "Every time I try to talk to her about it, she shuts down completely and doesn't talk to me for days....I have suggested paying for a nutricionist/personal trainer as she doesn't want to work out with me or even disciss it with me. I have also suggested doing counseling together, refused that too..... This morning I was vacuuming her room and found 4 empty boxes of frosted Valentines day cookies under her bed which promted me to look around in her room"