Help! My 20 year old daughter is a closet eater!
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tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.
I would love for both of us th do counseling together, she just won't do it. We talk about her dad all the time...she carries a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he let her down, robbed her of making future memories, he won't be there to walk her down the isle when she gets married and he won't be there when she has kids....she is ver angry about that.
Have you gone to counseling without her?
I did, after I separated from her dad
Maybe you guys could talk about what your experience with therapy was like?
I just think that she seems to be in a lot of pain - like some have said, maybe there is nothing you can do about it except keep loving her unconditionally, but I can't help but wish she would choose to seek help for her emotional suffering.
Anyway, best to both of you!0 -
I just wanted to say, I can see both sides of this argument. But as a mom myself, who wants nothing more than to see her own daughter be happy, it must be very hard to keep from reaching out even though it could be perceived as overbearing and critical. I hope your daughter can reconcile her issues. Good luck.0
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I didn't read every post, so I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I think her eating/weight is really dancing around the real issue. She's hurting. You can't fix it and as a mother myself, I feel pretty dang worthless when I can't fix my babies' pain. So you focus on the byproduct of that pain and the one thing you might feel is in your control. Her weight/eating. That's just treating the symptoms and not the underlying issue.
I don't think you should leave her alone. I think you should be honest and vulnerable about the REAL issue. Tell her that you feel like a failure as a mother because you can't fix her pain. Tell her that you so desperately want her happiness that you have put your focus on something that can be changed because it is to hard to face what can't be changed (the death of her father). Tell her you are sorry for focusing on her weight because it's not showing her how much you truly love her and how amazing you find her. Show her how to be open and vulnerable for the sake of growth. When you let her see the broken side of you, the cracks and imperfections, she will feel safer about sharing that side of herself. Do not try to point out her imperfections in any way, but point out the wonderful things about her that you love. Then live that love every day. Tell her it's a beautiful day for a walk and you would love her company, but smile and say okay if she says no. Do not pressure her.
I agree with the poster who said to put some "goodies" in your pantry too. Show her you are human, that it is okay to be a mess on occasion, and that it doesn't make you unworthy of love if you do not meet societies standard of beauty.0 -
I truly appreciate everyone's suggestions and comments....both good and bad:)0
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Nottafattie wrote: »I didn't read every post, so I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I think her eating/weight is really dancing around the real issue. She's hurting. You can't fix it and as a mother myself, I feel pretty dang worthless when I can't fix my babies' pain. So you focus on the byproduct of that pain and the one thing you might feel is in your control. Her weight/eating. That's just treating the symptoms and not the underlying issue.
I don't think you should leave her alone. I think you should be honest and vulnerable about the REAL issue. Tell her that you feel like a failure as a mother because you can't fix her pain. Tell her that you so desperately want her happiness that you have put your focus on something that can be changed because it is to hard to face what can't be changed (the death of her father). Tell her you are sorry for focusing on her weight because it's not showing her how much you truly love her and how amazing you find her. Show her how to be open and vulnerable for the sake of growth. When you let her see the broken side of you, the cracks and imperfections, she will feel safer about sharing that side of herself. Do not try to point out her imperfections in any way, but point out the wonderful things about her that you love. Then live that love every day. Tell her it's a beautiful day for a walk and you would love her company, but smile and say okay if she says no. Do not pressure her.
I agree with the poster who said to put some "goodies" in your pantry too. Show her you are human, that it is okay to be a mess on occasion, and that it doesn't make you unworthy of love if you do not meet societies standard of beauty.
Awesome advice!0 -
Nottafattie wrote: »I didn't read every post, so I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this, but I think her eating/weight is really dancing around the real issue. She's hurting. You can't fix it and as a mother myself, I feel pretty dang worthless when I can't fix my babies' pain. So you focus on the byproduct of that pain and the one thing you might feel is in your control. Her weight/eating. That's just treating the symptoms and not the underlying issue.
I don't think you should leave her alone. I think you should be honest and vulnerable about the REAL issue. Tell her that you feel like a failure as a mother because you can't fix her pain. Tell her that you so desperately want her happiness that you have put your focus on something that can be changed because it is to hard to face what can't be changed (the death of her father). Tell her you are sorry for focusing on her weight because it's not showing her how much you truly love her and how amazing you find her. Show her how to be open and vulnerable for the sake of growth. When you let her see the broken side of you, the cracks and imperfections, she will feel safer about sharing that side of herself. Do not try to point out her imperfections in any way, but point out the wonderful things about her that you love. Then live that love every day. Tell her it's a beautiful day for a walk and you would love her company, but smile and say okay if she says no. Do not pressure her.
I agree with the poster who said to put some "goodies" in your pantry too. Show her you are human, that it is okay to be a mess on occasion, and that it doesn't make you unworthy of love if you do not meet societies standard of beauty.
That is so sweet and so true:)0 -
meganjcallaghan wrote: »This thread hits so close to home for me. I was your daughter, too. Just like lots of others who have come forward to say the same thing. I was 200+lbs at 14. I had an emotionally abusive step father who put locks on the fridge and alarms on the pantry door and give the key to my 7 year old sister because I "couldn't be trusted," who would give me a pb&j sandwich, no breakfast, no lunch money and expected that to last me.
This caused a HUGE issue in my relationship with food into my adult life. I'm almost 23 now and I've just started to find my enjoyment in fitness and health.
She shuts down because she is embarrassed and just wants you to not mention it. At least that's what I did.
You can't control her. She will find her health when it's a good time for her.
dude...that is disgusting. that's not just emotional abuse. That's straight up child neglect. guy should be arrested!
It is sad. But Let go. Just let go. We cannot fix our past. We can acknowledge it got messed up and move on for the sake of better present and even better future.
Peace.0 -
OP,
You are an awesome mom and have handled the comments very well.0 -
I'll throw out an idea and you can take it or leave it. My girlfriend specialized in fostering children with eating disorders of one kind or another. Most were diabetic, and were coming from homes where food was uncertain. They all hoarded to some extent and my ingenious girlfriend worked hard to help them feel safe about food, and let go of that need to hoard.
I notice that she always has a large bowl of fresh fruit available, as well a full pantry. The silent message is that food is always here if you need it.0 -
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jokamaiale wrote: »
You all are awsome!!!0 -
emily_stew wrote: »vinegar_husbands wrote: »
That's a ridiculous statement. There are any number of reasons an adult could still live with their parents-maybe she's already lived on her own and had to move back out of financial difficulty or something else. And she's only 20, that's still pretty young to be out on one's own.
OP, the best thing you can do for your daughter is to be there for her when she realizes for herself that it's time to make a change. I'm sure it's tough to see her treat her body in such a way but she's old enough to make her own choices. It sounds like you two have a good relationship and love each other.
You don't have to blindly support and coddle her with everything, but she's an adult of course so she has to decide this for herself. My mom sat me down one day and laid out her concerns, but then she said I was getting to be an adult now (I was a teenager at the time) so losing weight was something I would have to decide to do for myself and she and my Dad would be there for me when I was ready. And years later, they are
That's great! I feel so moch hope after hearing everyone's stories0 -
I was a child of divorce during my early high school years. It was tough, I did gain weight, along with my low self-esteem. Everyone is saying to back off, but really if my mom would've just actively communicated with me instead of telling me what I should and shouldn't have done alot of what I deal with today wouldn't be an issue. I think the sneaking and eating is just a symptom of the real issue. She is mourning her father. So you just do alot of listening and let her vent....doing something physical with her. She needs an outlet if she can't express what she feels..she still needs to vent. First thing that comes to mind..... Both of you going to a thrift store and buying a bunch of cheap china plates and finding a wall to throw them at...(with safety glasses on though)..... Luck to both of you from a gal that can relate in Oregon :-)0
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This comment might seem out of place, but from what you described, it sounds like your daughter could be potentially bulimic? (they can be overweight too and can be found hiding loads of junk food wrappers) just a thought..0
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When I was in my early 20s I ballooned up and gained 50lbs of fat. It happened over time such that I barely noticed it. Looking back my parents hinted at my weight a couple of times (asking if I was going to start running again) but I just shrugged them off. I wish they would have been more direct and straight up told me I was getting fat and that I should get back into shape as well as outlined health issues related to obesity.
However, that's just me. I respond well when being called out like that but I understand that lots of people would not. I think there are times to spare feelings and times to face the cold hard truth. Some people would view that as a personal attack or being told how to live their life but I would argue that it's a sign of a caring parent who doesn't want to stand by and watch their child destroy themself. I can only imagine how hard that would be to see as a parent who spent the last 20 years trying to help the child become the best version of themself that they can be.
Anyway, I'm not saying that such a direct approach is best for this situation, it's probably not and I know that I'm in a very small minority that would respond positively to such a rude wakeup call.0 -
tinascar2015 wrote: »Seriously, leave her alone. I was your daughter. My mother could not believe she had this fat daughter who ate covertly and she did everything she could to 'help' including taking me to a doctor who put me on diet pills at 15, shaming me, punishing me, bribing me - anything she could think of to keep me from eating. At meals she would tell me that I didn't 'need' something she prepared and put on the table. None of it ultimately worked and it became a life long tug of war between us. I'm 67 now and my mother has been dead for 20 years but I'm still showing her and eating stuff I know is bad for me. Consequently, I have to lose more than 50 lbs yet again. I've done it every decade of my life. I mostly eat well, I go to the gym but in the back of my mind I hear Ma telling me I'm fat. The best way you can help her is to just let her know you love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do in life. I know you THINK you are trying to help her but really, you are making it about you and what you want for her. She needs to figure out what she wants for herself.
Wow, I am almost in tears. I was on dexedrine at age 14. That's speed. Black Beauties, they're called on the street, and I hated them. Your story is identical to mine, Karin, and I am so sorry. But I am also comforted knowing there are others out there who had mothers like mine. Ironically, mine turned out to be a very good closet alcoholic and none of us realized it until she was in her 70s. So, loads of dysfunctional family issues going on there.
When my stepdaughters were entering puberty years, they put on some weight. My husband would comment to me about it and wondered if he should say something. I pointed at my butt and told him that's what comes of making an issue of a girl's weight when she's in puberty, a time when all girls fill out. He quickly shut up and he never mentioned it again. Neither did their mother, and both girls are in great shgape, fit, active and gorgeous now that they're in their early 30s.
I don't shame my daughter, I would never do that... I love her dearly. Her father died of alcoholism at age 42 and that is a terrible thing for a child to grow up seeing. I don't want to upset her by pushing the issue, I haven't approached it since she turned 18.... That is why I am on here asking for everyones opinion as I don't want to destroy our relationship.
This is maybe how you get her to a therapist. What about you? Did you ever go to Al-anon or get help for your issues having been married to an alcoholic? Could she be subconsciously "swallowing" the issue because she thinks that you don't want to talk about it?
Maybe you can just say, "hey you're the daughter of addiction and divorce, it's almost impossible that you *couldn't* use some guidance dealing with that" and set her up with an appointment.
I can see a lot of people have a lot of pain due to parents being obsessed with their kids' weight. I don't see that in your posts, nonetheless be really careful about tying your concern just to her eating. The eating is a symptom, you want to address the disease.
I would love for both of us th do counseling together, she just won't do it. We talk about her dad all the time...she carries a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he let her down, robbed her of making future memories, he won't be there to walk her down the isle when she gets married and he won't be there when she has kids....she is ver angry about that.
If your daughter does not feel happy talking to you about her food issues it is highly unlikely she will want to talk to a therapist if you are in the room. By suggesting you go to therapy together she probably thinks you want to use it to find out what the issues she does not want to discuss are. If you allow her to have therapy on her own, she may resolve the issues. But don't invade her privacy by asking her about her sessions. She may already be seeing a therapist and just not want to tell you (as is her right).
I know you think you are helping, but you are not. She is not a child any more, you need to respect her right to choose what she eats, have private therapy sessions if she wishes, and allow her to take responsibility for her own weight. Of course you will worry about her, but that does not give you the right to interfere.
ETA: changed my mind a little after reading another post - see below 0 -
When I was in my early 20s I ballooned up and gained 50lbs of fat. It happened over time such that I barely noticed it. Looking back my parents hinted at my weight a couple of times (asking if I was going to start running again) but I just shrugged them off. I wish they would have been more direct and straight up told me I was getting fat and that I should get back into shape as well as outlined health issues related to obesity.
However, that's just me. I respond well when being called out like that but I understand that lots of people would not. I think there are times to spare feelings and times to face the cold hard truth. Some people would view that as a personal attack or being told how to live their life but I would argue that it's a sign of a caring parent who doesn't want to stand by and watch their child destroy themself. I can only imagine how hard that would be to see as a parent who spent the last 20 years trying to help the child become the best version of themself that they can be.
Anyway, I'm not saying that such a direct approach is best for this situation, it's probably not and I know that I'm in a very small minority that would respond positively to such a rude wakeup call.
I am so happy that you feel that way:) it probably is quite unusual though. I think it's just human nature to get defensive0 -
I was a child of divorce during my early high school years. It was tough, I did gain weight, along with my low self-esteem. Everyone is saying to back off, but really if my mom would've just actively communicated with me instead of telling me what I should and shouldn't have done alot of what I deal with today wouldn't be an issue. I think the sneaking and eating is just a symptom of the real issue. She is mourning her father. So you just do alot of listening and let her vent....doing something physical with her. She needs an outlet if she can't express what she feels..she still needs to vent. First thing that comes to mind..... Both of you going to a thrift store and buying a bunch of cheap china plates and finding a wall to throw them at...(with safety glasses on though)..... Luck to both of you from a gal that can relate in Oregon :-)
I really like the plate idea:)0
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