Husband won't let me get a dog unless I lose 10 lbs
fitnesstam
Posts: 9 Member
I know this is a strange subject line and the background is long so please bear with me.
I am a total animal person. I grew up with dogs and have always wanted to get a dog in my "adult" life. My husband and I finally moved into a home four years ago. During our home search, one of my criteria was a backyard where we could have a dog. Over the years, I have been essentially begging for a dog. My husband has had sleep issues, etc. so my request was always rejected. He keeps saying it's too much responsibility. We currently have three (senior) cats and a seven year old. Background on my husband: he is obsessed with diet and fitness. He works out during his lunch hour and lately comes home and rides the exercise bike for another 30 minutes or so. He has all kinds of food restrictions (gluten free, dairy free) that are not based on true allergies. He recently told me that he aims to eat 1200 calories a day (he's almost 6 feet tall) and also recently told me (in a separate conversation) that my calorie goal of 1352 a day was too high. He comes from a family with serious eating disorders. I am 5'4", 135 lbs, size 4-6, healthy blood pressure, etc. He has high cholestrol and high BP. I acknowledge that I could lose some weight and am working on it, ideally would like to get to around 121. That is for me, not for him. He is always making not so subtle hints about my weight, looking at the calorie counts on packages as I am eating something, etc. Now middle of last year we got into yet another argument about getting a dog. I admittedly stupidly but half jokingly proposed that if I lose 10 lbs, can I get a dog. Somewhere around that time he also said that he didn't want me to be unhappy so he would agree to it (I honestly can't remember the timing). Obviously the 10 lb. loss has not happened. But, in the last couple of months he has acted more open to getting a dog, looking at websites with me, telling me which ones and what breed he likes, talking to the adoption counselor that came to our house, etc. So I'm thinking that we're on the road to getting a dog (I want to rescue a dog from a rescue organization). There is one rescue organization that desperately needs fosters so I asked my husband about fostering. He flipped out and said that "the conditions have not been met" and that if I could show him that I cared enough about what he wants by keeping an exercise plan then he would be accepting about a dog. I basically told him that he was being mean and that I am not happy nor do I feel attractive to him. This is a big deal to me. This isn't a child wanting a puppy. It's very important to me. I feel like he is at the same time taking away something I desperately want while insulting me . I also resent the control. I know I should have never mixed up the weight loss with getting a dog, but I feel that he is being extremely insensitive and controlling by throwing that "condition" on me. Am I being unreasonable?
I am a total animal person. I grew up with dogs and have always wanted to get a dog in my "adult" life. My husband and I finally moved into a home four years ago. During our home search, one of my criteria was a backyard where we could have a dog. Over the years, I have been essentially begging for a dog. My husband has had sleep issues, etc. so my request was always rejected. He keeps saying it's too much responsibility. We currently have three (senior) cats and a seven year old. Background on my husband: he is obsessed with diet and fitness. He works out during his lunch hour and lately comes home and rides the exercise bike for another 30 minutes or so. He has all kinds of food restrictions (gluten free, dairy free) that are not based on true allergies. He recently told me that he aims to eat 1200 calories a day (he's almost 6 feet tall) and also recently told me (in a separate conversation) that my calorie goal of 1352 a day was too high. He comes from a family with serious eating disorders. I am 5'4", 135 lbs, size 4-6, healthy blood pressure, etc. He has high cholestrol and high BP. I acknowledge that I could lose some weight and am working on it, ideally would like to get to around 121. That is for me, not for him. He is always making not so subtle hints about my weight, looking at the calorie counts on packages as I am eating something, etc. Now middle of last year we got into yet another argument about getting a dog. I admittedly stupidly but half jokingly proposed that if I lose 10 lbs, can I get a dog. Somewhere around that time he also said that he didn't want me to be unhappy so he would agree to it (I honestly can't remember the timing). Obviously the 10 lb. loss has not happened. But, in the last couple of months he has acted more open to getting a dog, looking at websites with me, telling me which ones and what breed he likes, talking to the adoption counselor that came to our house, etc. So I'm thinking that we're on the road to getting a dog (I want to rescue a dog from a rescue organization). There is one rescue organization that desperately needs fosters so I asked my husband about fostering. He flipped out and said that "the conditions have not been met" and that if I could show him that I cared enough about what he wants by keeping an exercise plan then he would be accepting about a dog. I basically told him that he was being mean and that I am not happy nor do I feel attractive to him. This is a big deal to me. This isn't a child wanting a puppy. It's very important to me. I feel like he is at the same time taking away something I desperately want while insulting me . I also resent the control. I know I should have never mixed up the weight loss with getting a dog, but I feel that he is being extremely insensitive and controlling by throwing that "condition" on me. Am I being unreasonable?
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Replies
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Sometimes is easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission, if you know what I'm sayin'.0
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I don't think this is the right place for you to be asking this. I think you and your husband need to seek professional help not the opinions of rank amateurs like us.0
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Get the dog, dump the husband. Dogs will love you unconditionally. Although, you are tiny already! I really want to smack him.0
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Lose the husband - get the dog. Seriously. You are an adult. What happens if you lose the weight and get the dog but then you gain a few pounds? Is he going to punish the dog? Why do you let him control you like that?0
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Tell him the dog is going to be your exercise partner.0
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I don't think this is the right place for you to be asking this. I think you and your husband need to seek professional help not the opinions of rank amateurs like us.
^^ This. What he is doing/thinking is not healthy--for you or him. Please think about addressing your relationship issues before you bring a dog into the marriage.0 -
Ditch the jerk, buy your own dog on your OWN terms.0
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Get the dog, dump the husband. Dogs will love you unconditionally. Although, you are tiny already! I really want to smack him.
Definitely!
I respect my man's opinion, and we try to please each other, but no way in hell would either if us be imposing a condition like that!0 -
The dynamic you describe sounds just like my first marriage. You are being treated like a child and that is NOT how a healthy marriage ought to be. For the sake of the dog, do not bring one into the situation. For the sake of yourself and your child, get some individual counseling and give some real thought to whether or not you want to stay in the marriage.0
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I'm trying really hard not to be judgmental but I don't like your husband's attitude towards you. You are his wife, not his child or his pet project. If you want a dog, get a dog. If you want to lose 10lbs then lose 10lbs (btw, by your stats and your pic, you are a beautiful, healthy size!!!). You're husband's weight issues is his own, not yours. Tell him to back off, you're fostering a dog and if he doesn't like it it sucks to be him.He's really pissed me off for you. :mad:0
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Never let a man tell you how to live your life.
How rude of him to tell you to loose weight.
If you want a dog, you get a dog. Well done for going down the rescue route.0 -
You're husband needs serious help for his condition. And yes it is a condition to be that obsessed with not only his weight and diet but yours also. What happens if it bleeds into the rest of the family as it obviously has with his? Get the dog and do NOT apologize for it. He knows th want it and if you take care of it he has nothing to complain about.0
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Sometimes is easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission, if you know what I'm sayin'.
lol
this! ^^^
I've done this with almost every pet ive ever owned, and never had to take one back yet!
though a puppy might be a wiser choice for the cuteness factor. It will also adapt to the senior cats much faster than an adult.
But adopting a stray is a terrific thing, so I do not want to discourage you there!0 -
I love you guys! Thank you for the support, it really makes such a difference. I was concerned I was going to get responses like "a deal is a deal, lose the 10 lbs."
Many of you have touched on the bigger issue, which is the control. I hate conflict but I need to have a serious talk with him. Wish me luck. In the meantime, keep those replies coming, I could use all the support I can get!0 -
also, your Hubby sounds like a controlling jerk.
it's your house too.
and you are an adult.
there's nothing wrong with your weight.
you could play along though and mention that walking the dog 3 times a day is going to make you more fit!
or you could get a new hubby! Or forget the men and get some doggles!
:laugh:0 -
cleverTell him the dog is going to be your exercise partner.0 -
Hmmm... the fact that you say you'd like to be 121lbs... maybe since you suggested losing 10lbs, he is holding you to it so you will be happier with yourself in the end AND happier with the new pet? You obviously don't need to lose weight as you say you are healthy, but maybe just do it (lose the 10lbs) and make sure he knows that you did it for yourself and NOT to gain his permission to get the dog. Then it's a win-win
Also, he is obviously eating very low calories at his height and with being a man and working out- seems he's a bit obsessed about his health because of his family history. Tell him to let loose and live a little!
You both need to compromise good luck in whatever you do 0 -
cleverTell him the dog is going to be your exercise partner.
*nods*
I said the same
and truthfully, If you aren't willing to walk the dog at least twice a day for a decent distance/time, you probably shouldn't get one!
If it's an adult, consider running with it, or biking, or blading even. (don;t do this with a puppy)0 -
I completely understand your need for a dog, if I didn't, I wouldn't have so many. But I think it's important that you two talk and figure out what really is important to you so you guys can work it out or part ways before you bring another, depenant (basically) into your home.
I'm not trying to lecture or act like I know everything or anything like that. I know your situation would not be as extreme as mine but I want you to know that I'm sincere with my answer and would like to share with you a brief piece of my history.
I have 18 dogs that live at our house. 14 of them belong to my mom and me. We had the bad habit of taking in strays and because of the horror stories of people adopting animals for the sole purpose of abusing them and well meaning people who adopt them just to neglect them, we just kept keeping them and their puppies. At one point my mom and I owned 23 dogs.
***It's not illegal where I live. Believe it or not.***
I'm tied to my family and can't even date people seriously because our dogs really are family to me. I would never choose someone over them. I have yet to meet a man or woman who is cool with that.
Dogs are very sensitive to what goes on around them. I agree with most of the people here about dumping him and getting the dog, however, since I don't really know your life, I agree that you should go to a marriage counselor.
Also it's important to remember that the cats and your 7 year old if they are not already being affected by this situation, most likely they will be.0 -
No, he's the one being very unreasonable. To be so controlling over something like that isn't good-- it's not like he's doing it for the benefit of your health (i.e., you're obese with high cholesterol, diabetes, etc.).
Also, in my opinion, his eating habits aren't healthy
Know your worth, beautiful! If you want to lose the weight for YOURSELF, then use what he said as motivation. (regardless if you want to or not, I would talk to him about how you feel)0 -
I agree with the above comment. I think your husband has a bit of an obsession, and its one thing to be obsessive with his own body but its another to be forcing his ideas onto you! What happens if you have children? Will he force his health obsession on them too?? That is a recipe for disaster!
Throughout my teens I was constantly harassed by my mother about my weight. (I was chubby from 13)
While I look back now and realize she was just trying to help me be healthy, I know she was going about it the wrong way.
I remember her yelling at me once "your never going to get a boyfriend coz your fat" "boys dont like fat girls" "how do you think I feel having the fattest daughter in our church"
This kind of nonconstructive criticism led to;
'Bulimia '
'Going of the rails' and being used and abused by guys (I thought no one would ever love me because 'I was fat' - thanks mum!)
a severe lack of self confidence
and a constant obsession/phobia about putting on weight
My husband constantly tells me I am obsessive about my weight (along with his family). He thinks I am beautiful the way I am but I cant always see it. I am lucky to have such a supportive husband but I really feel for you! I never comment about what my husband or daughter eats as my obsession is really only about myself.... I do however make sure the cupboards and meals are as healthy as possible. Health is important to me.
One thing I vow is that I will NEVER be negative about my children's weight, if weight becomes a problem I will not critisise them like I was criticised as I never want them to have the same problems as..I want them to be happy in their skin!!!
Sorry if I have made this about me but I just thought this reminds me of my story with my mother!!!
Dont let your husband give you an eating disorder!!!! Just be yourself & be happy!!!!
P.S My two sisters also have weight obsessions due to our upbringing, even though the are skinny and beautiful!0 -
It sounds like there are much bigger issues here than whether or not you should get a dog. I think that you should both see a counselor regarding control issues and your differences in thought on diet and fitness (not saying anyone is right or wrong, just that you seem very opposite in that respect.) Getting the dog might make you feel better short-term, but the other differences really need to be resolved to be happy long term.0
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Drop the husband, get the dog.0
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PFFFT. When people ask me if I "let" my husband do this or that, I like to reply, "I'm his wife, not his warden."
Same here. If you really want a dog, and you're willing to take the lead in taking care of it... he has no business placing a weight loss condition on it. I can just imagine if I wanted to get my hair highlighted or something, and my husband said, "IF you lose ten pounds!"
They'd never find his body.0 -
You already have a dog..................it's your husband.
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Please don't put a dog in the mix of this co-dependent relationship. You have way bigger issues to worry about and the dog will end up suffering.0
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Get the dog, dump the husband. Dogs will love you unconditionally. Although, you are tiny already! I really want to smack him.
For real. Your husband sounds like a real winner.0 -
P.S. - If I weighed what you did, I'd walk around all day butt nekkid with a rose between my teeth. Lose ten pounds? FROM WHERE?
Send your husband to me. I'll give that boy a "Come to Jesus Meeting" he won't soon forget, and he'll buy you that dog and say, "Thank you, ma'am" to you as he does it. That boy needs an attitude adjustment, southern girl style.
:::SMH:::0 -
I don't think this is the right place for you to be asking this. I think you and your husband need to seek professional help not the opinions of rank amateurs like us.
^^^ I agree with this comment. It sounds like your husband is playing the father and you are the child.
Heck, the dog would help you lose weight because you'd be walking it.0 -
PFFFT. When people ask me if I "let" my husband do this or that, I like to reply, "I'm his wife, not his warden."
Same here. If you really want a dog, and you're willing to take the lead in taking care of it... he has no business placing a weight loss condition on it. I can just imagine if I wanted to get my hair highlighted or something, and my husband said, "IF you lose ten pounds!"
They'd never find his body.
Lmao
:drinker:0
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