Pressure from BF motivates me

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  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    AidenMarie2015 wrote: »
    Hi all,

    I've been wanting to get in better shape for a while, but recently I've been feeling as though my boyfriend isn't happy with the way I look. I confronted him about this, and he admits that, while he finds me physically attractive and is even more attracted by my personality and my character, "the stuff that matters," he wishes that he were "more physically attracted" to me. He realized after he said it that it was totally out of line and apologized. I chalk it up to immaturity, but somehow I've not been able to get it off my mind.

    I'm 25, 5'7, and 130 lbs., and while I know I need to cut the fast food and start working out for health reasons, I'm afraid that I'll get obsessed with looking better to the extent that I become unhealthy. I only eat about 1200 calories most days (at least five days/week) as it is, but since I've started watching my food intake and walk 30 min a day, I've started to have so little energy and am always hungry.

    Any advice on staying healthy while making sure I don't focus on the things he's said? This is something that he will for sure have to grow out of--fast--if we're going to continue the relationship, but even if it ends, I don't know how I'll be able to keep that out of my workout motivation.

    The physical attraction part would make sense if you had changed dramatically since he met you. You can love someone and still not like the physical changes in his/her body. But given your age and your weight, I think your boyfriend is trying to tell you the honeymoon phase is over and the attraction is simply gone. This does not sound like something you can fix by losing weight or exercising.
  • Chrysalid2014
    Chrysalid2014 Posts: 1,038 Member
    edited April 2015
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    Physical attraction doesn't just equate to thinness. Maybe a new hairstyle/colour (some men don't find short hair attractive, for example), some more flattering clothes/underwear, or as others have suggested, weight training for body definition. I'm not suggesting you should walk around in 4-inch stillettos all the time, and obviously I have no idea about your current style but if you're always lounging around in a track suit and ponytail then a little mini-makeover could be the answer.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
    edited April 2015
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    Ditch the boyfriend and find someone who will appreciate you. Eat more nutritional food and join a gym and maybe hire a personal trainer to strengthen your body. For heavens sake eat more than 1200 a day.
  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    How long have you been together? And does he undermine you in other ways too?
  • AidenMarie2015
    AidenMarie2015 Posts: 6 Member
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    Thank you everyone for your advice!!

    To clarify:
    -my profile says I'm trying to loose weight because when I started my account I entered that. I've since gone back to try and change it but can't figure out how to.
    -I am currently trying to replace fat with muscle, as PAV8888 suggested above.
    -I tend to equate eating healthy with eating fewer calories--which I know is false but I grew up with a mom who was on WeightWatchers so it's been programmed into my brain for a while!

    We've only been dating for four months, so it's not incredibly serious, but he's otherwise a really great guy. I believe in working at relationships, but in the past I've changed too much or overcompensated for a guy not caring about me much, so I'm definitely on my guard in that aspect.

    He says he works out because he thinks I wouldn't be attracted to him if he didn't--which couldn't be more false--and I think that may be where some of his feelings are coming from.
  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
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    Just make sure that whatever you do, you do it to make yourself happy - and know the difference between that and "making yourself happy by trying to make him happy."

    I still think it was a very very weird comment for him to make no matter how much he apologizes...of course anyone would apologize after saying something douchey like that, but the fact that he said it at all would give me pause.
  • Ready2Rock206
    Ready2Rock206 Posts: 9,488 Member
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    I'd lose weight by dropping that boyfriend. Still early in the relationship and he's already throwing out the red flags. Its not going to get better.
  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    I didn't want to say it - and at your age - I certainly wouldn't want to hear it....but just after 4 months he is saying things like that?? There is nothing wrong with you, but something seriously wrong with him. Trust our collective instincts ( and experience!) and drop him. Nothing you will do will do will be enough. cos he, as they say. just not into you (makes me cringe, saying that, but it true) ...Take the initiative and at least have the drop on him by getting rid of him first.
    I am really sorry - but this is just going to end in tears, but better now than later. I think the men here will agree.
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
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    You also have to read between the lines. He said it, he can't unring that bell now.
    He can apologise a thousand times, or mask his words with love or humour. It still won't make what he said/says untrue...
  • kiittenforever
    kiittenforever Posts: 479 Member
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    Ditch boyfriend.
  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    Unfortunately, you don't even have to read between the lines! You are less than BMI 21.......he cannot say you are fat. He says ' for a while'.you not been physically attractive to him.......You have been going out for 4 months!!!

    He will do what some men do and say, ' it not you, it me'. Trust me, best you say, ' It you. not me'.......and give him a parting shot worthy of suggesting you fat.......
  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    I think you know the writing on the wall - you just wanted reassurance it wasn't cos you were fat and he just an *kitten*.....

    I think the votes are in your favour........ <3
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
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    Honey, 4 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period with him unable to get enough of you. That's a big red flag.
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
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    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    Honey, 4 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period with him unable to get enough of you. That's a big red flag.

    So true!

    I have a 23 old daughter myself, and it would be utterly heartbreaking for me if her boyfriend said this to her. Let a lone how upsetting it would be for her and not to mention what it would do for her self esteem.

    OP I just want to give you a big hug. Please don't let these patterns continue...
  • araya510
    araya510 Posts: 10 Member
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    Oh girl! I couldn't even finish reading that! I don't know you at all but I'm sure your an amazig person! Your boyfriend should NEVER talk to his lady like that! Just know that he dosent deserve you! Keep your head up and smile! Oh and I didn't say this but if you wanna show a little of the lady revenge in ya make a comment about his size...no better revenge than that! Keep smiling!
  • navyrigger46
    navyrigger46 Posts: 1,301 Member
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    Your boyfriend sounds like a real @$$hat. I'd drop the BF, pick up a barbell, and up your calorie intake to 2500-2800 and lift heavy.

    Rigger
  • doctorwho2x
    doctorwho2x Posts: 60 Member
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    ^

    all the time's that I've attempted to loose weight the most successful I've been is when I've done it for my self.

    Good luck!
  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    OP??? Where are you in this?
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
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    dufus12 wrote: »
    OP??? Where are you in this?

    Hopefully she's still reading this...

    Dufus FTR i agree with everything you have said :+1:

  • AidenMarie2015
    AidenMarie2015 Posts: 6 Member
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    Hi all,

    Sorry, been busy with work. Thank you for all your encouragement and helpful tips. I'm feeling more back to normal lately and have been enjoying eating better while still indulging, but I just haven't had time to work out. With working 50 hrs/wk and being in grad school full time, it's tough.

    My relationship is long-distance, and I see him tomorrow for the first time in over a month. I think it's going to be a make-or-break date. If he tries to justify what he said, I just don't think it'll work out. I can't wait for him to grow out of this phase, if it even is a phase.

    Thanks again everyone :) I'll update tomorrow night.

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