Pressure from BF motivates me

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13

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  • wizzybeth
    wizzybeth Posts: 3,573 Member
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    AidenMarie2015 wrote: »
    Hi all,

    Sorry, been busy with work. Thank you for all your encouragement and helpful tips. I'm feeling more back to normal lately and have been enjoying eating better while still indulging, but I just haven't had time to work out. With working 50 hrs/wk and being in grad school full time, it's tough.

    My relationship is long-distance, and I see him tomorrow for the first time in over a month. I think it's going to be a make-or-break date. If he tries to justify what he said, I just don't think it'll work out. I can't wait for him to grow out of this phase, if it even is a phase.

    Thanks again everyone :) I'll update tomorrow night.

    Glad to see you back. Stay strong! :)
  • karen_fitzgibbon
    karen_fitzgibbon Posts: 736 Member
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    AidenMarie2015 wrote: »
    Thank you everyone for your advice!!

    To clarify:
    -my profile says I'm trying to loose weight because when I started my account I entered that. I've since gone back to try and change it but can't figure out how to.
    -I am currently trying to replace fat with muscle, as PAV8888 suggested above.
    -I tend to equate eating healthy with eating fewer calories--which I know is false but I grew up with a mom who was on WeightWatchers so it's been programmed into my brain for a while!

    We've only been dating for four months, so it's not incredibly serious, but he's otherwise a really great guy. I believe in working at relationships, but in the past I've changed too much or overcompensated for a guy not caring about me much, so I'm definitely on my guard in that aspect.

    He says he works out because he thinks I wouldn't be attracted to him if he didn't--which couldn't be more false--and I think that may be where some of his feelings are coming from.

    My suggestion? why not go to the gym together? You can both work out. Gain muscles and bond at the same time?

    As others have said, eat more lol. I hear you with the mum brainwashing us as kids that eating less means healthy. I'm learning slowly that eating more is better for me. I can tell by how tired I am at the end of a shift at work if I haven't eaten properly through the week. It's amazing. Although i always make sure my car has fuel.
    Good luck lovie!!!!
  • Avrilcrx
    Avrilcrx Posts: 1 Member
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    A +1 for lifting weights here. Not only did my body shape change (I'm 5ft 2in and 65kg to 55kg) but I felt utterly fantastic because I was lifting as heavy as, and in better form than, some of my male friends that lift. I couldn't have cared less about whether I lost/gained weight - I looked more toned and was doing something I never dreamed I'd do...and seemed to be doing it well. And providing I ate clean, I could eat until I was full.

    And the boyfriend? He said that he wished he was more physically attracted to you. Sounds like his problem more than yours, chick. I'd concentrate on what makes you feel good, and I'd also suggest you offer to help him find a solution to his problem.

    Good luck x

  • dufus12
    dufus12 Posts: 393 Member
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    Personally, I would say, ' You know where the door is, Use it.'
    It is easy to make allowances and compensate when you feel you need to 'make the relationship work'.....but just after 4 months, it really shouldn't be this difficult so soon........working at it usually comes after years of being together, not 4 months in,,,,,,,,,
    I hate to sound so bluddy negative, but I really am concerned for you. I think we all are. Please don't settle for someone who doesn't deserve you, who doesn't appreciate you and clearly is a bit of a tosser.....(sorry, the latter bit just crept in....!)
  • BodyByBex
    BodyByBex Posts: 3,685 Member
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    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    Honey, 4 months in you should still be in the honeymoon period with him unable to get enough of you. That's a big red flag.

    @AidenMarie2015 Definitely this^^^^

    I dropped a guy who, 3 months in, couldn't stop saying that B cups were his FAVORITE breast size. I'm a J cup. I haven't had breasts that small since the 8th grade. I told him as much and I said that even if I lost weight, my breasts aren't going to go away THAT much without surgery and that he was hurting my feelings. He continued to say/show his preference but in different ways.
    When we spoke on the topic again, he said he couldn't handle my 'mood swings' and I said that was fine. He said he never wanted to see me again and we hung up the phone. And that's how I lost 190 lbs!

    Seems all the 'boob guys' I date are asshats.
  • YanskaNY
    YanskaNY Posts: 103 Member
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    Take it from me- losing weight will not make a guy love you more. The guy has issues that transcend looks and, obviously, a need to make you feel safe in your relationship. He is an idiot. You need to choose not to obsess over his foolish comments. You also need to find someone more worthy of you.
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
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    If he is putting pressure on you to change into something that is his ideal, that is a big red flag, especially so soon in the relationship. If he sees that you are so willing to try and change this what else is he going to try and change about you?
  • cocoa7777
    cocoa7777 Posts: 7 Member
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    Well you've stated that you don't want to lose weight, just get healthy.. I'm thinking toned? You certainly are not overweight, by your height and weight, I'm not sure what he's looking for. Some guys like anorexic thin people with no feminine curves, maybe he's not the right guy for you! & BTW I'm sure there are other guys you find more physically attractive than him, who made him perfect? I wouldn't even get hung up on what he said! If you are trying to get a better shape, maybe you should try yoga or pilates. It's low impact, and gives that lean, long & strong look. Good luck!
  • MrPlate
    MrPlate Posts: 35 Member
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    It wouldn't make for a great date movie. Non-judgmental. That's who you are looking for.
  • PaulaWallaDingDong
    PaulaWallaDingDong Posts: 4,641 Member
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    Bf sounds like a mf. I know damn well my body is not attractive, but my man tells me I'm his beautiful baby every time we see each other. I'm not saying you should look for exactly that, but if he's verbally expressing disappointment with your physique, he either has diarrhea of the mouth, or he's just plain pig-headed and needs to go. There are probably better men in your town. You don't need to go through this over a long-distance relationship.
  • ibamosaserreinas
    ibamosaserreinas Posts: 294 Member
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    carliekitty wrote: »
    Dump your boyfriend. Make yourself happy!

    +1

    Most of us girls put enough pressure on ourselves. Don't need it from the boys too...
  • callsitlikeiseeit
    callsitlikeiseeit Posts: 8,627 Member
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    leave his *kitten*.
  • daisyverma
    daisyverma Posts: 234 Member
    edited April 2015
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    You need to have another discussion with him and let him know your happy with the way you are. There is nothing wrong with eating healthy and getting some exercise for long term health but do that for yourself.

    Sometimes people will also put others down a bit so the person doesn't have the confidence to leave their partner. Frankly it's insecurity at times...in his mind your a good looking and desirable person and he knows it ...since its a long distance relationship,he might be afraid you will find someone else, so he is using psychological tactics to lower your self confidence

    You need to decide what's good for you in the long term.
  • sllm1
    sllm1 Posts: 2,114 Member
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    arditarose wrote: »
    130 and 5'7"? You're not overweight.

    AGREED!
  • Shazzyb71
    Shazzyb71 Posts: 16 Member
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    5 ft 7 and 130 lb is fabulous, no way you need to lose weight. Sorry but your BF needs to shut up !!!!
  • AidenMarie2015
    AidenMarie2015 Posts: 6 Member
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    Hey all,

    Thanks for the support. I bought it up and we discussed it, he apologized again and attributed it to needing to leave behind the shallowness that rubbed off on him from who he hung out with in high school.

    I've pretty much cut off from the relationship emotionally, but don't want to end things just yet. He moves to my town in a month and I think things will quickly change--better or worse. Meanwhile I need to focus on building myself up emotionally and spiritually so that I can do my part to be the right kind of girl for the right guy, whether it's this guy or someone else.

    Anyone with practical tips on how to eat healthier at work when there's not a lot of time to prepare things, lay on the advice! Again, not looking to loose weight, just be healthier.

    :)
  • Christine_72
    Christine_72 Posts: 16,049 Member
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    I used to make my lunch the night before, as I never had the time or could be bothered doing it in the morning!
    A roast turkey, salad roll and a piece of fruit or small tub of yogurt were my regular go to's.

    I'm glad to hear your head is on straight in regards to your boyfriend. What will be, will be you won't have to force anything. .. :wink:
  • jmichaelminton
    jmichaelminton Posts: 47 Member
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    AidenMarie2015 wrote: »
    Hey all,

    Thanks for the support. I bought it up and we discussed it, he apologized again and attributed it to needing to leave behind the shallowness that rubbed off on him from who he hung out with in high school.

    I've pretty much cut off from the relationship emotionally, but don't want to end things just yet. He moves to my town in a month and I think things will quickly change--better or worse. Meanwhile I need to focus on building myself up emotionally and spiritually so that I can do my part to be the right kind of girl for the right guy, whether it's this guy or someone else.

    Anyone with practical tips on how to eat healthier at work when there's not a lot of time to prepare things, lay on the advice! Again, not looking to loose weight, just be healthier.

    :)

    As a guy, I can say this guy is an idiot. You can get better, I'm sure. Anyway, as others have said, 130 lbs at 5'7" is a healthy weight. If he says "you're physically attractive to me but not as physically attractive as I wish you were," he isn't talking about your weight; he is a shallow person with unrealistic expectations and isn't worth your time.

    Do what you want, but if he's making you feel insecure, it's best to walk out now.
  • hncary
    hncary Posts: 176 Member
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    I'm around your age and was with a guy once who would say things about how he dated a model before me and how he's just used to really skinny girls. And he would say that I just needed to work on my lower stomach or boast about how he would do some crunches/push ups before I came over. Those comments hurt and they are wrong. You've been with this guy for 4 months and in a long distance relationship no less where he's already making comments that bring you down and hint that he wants you to change. In my experience I think it will just get worse as time goes and you should save yourself some time and get out now. Just my 2 cents from the crap relationships I've been in. I hope you can see that this is his problem and not yours and find someone who really appreciates you and isn't using excuses about how he hung out with *kitten* people 5 years ago... Because lets get real, that excuse sucks and he's been out of high school for a while and is a big boy now.

    And on another note, if you want to start weight training then go for it. But do it on your terms and because you want to. And please don't let him bring your confidence down. Its a lot harder to rebuild than you might think...

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