Pressure from BF motivates me

AidenMarie2015

Hi all,

I've been wanting to get in better shape for a while, but recently I've been feeling as though my boyfriend isn't happy with the way I look. I confronted him about this, and he admits that, while he finds me physically attractive and is even more attracted by my personality and my character, "the stuff that matters," he wishes that he were "more physically attracted" to me. He realized after he said it that it was totally out of line and apologized. I chalk it up to immaturity, but somehow I've not been able to get it off my mind.

I'm 25, 5'7, and 130 lbs., and while I know I need to cut the fast food and start working out for health reasons, I'm afraid that I'll get obsessed with looking better to the extent that I become unhealthy. I only eat about 1200 calories most days (at least five days/week) as it is, but since I've started watching my food intake and walk 30 min a day, I've started to have so little energy and am always hungry.

Any advice on staying healthy while making sure I don't focus on the things he's said? This is something that he will for sure have to grow out of--fast--if we're going to continue the relationship, but even if it ends, I don't know how I'll be able to keep that out of my workout motivation.

techgal128

How old are you two? That can affect the answer quite a bit.

AidenMarie2015

I'm 25, he's 23

snickerscharlie

Don't let pressure from your bf be your motivation. You have to do this for yourself. You can lose a lot of weight very quickly by dumping the bf, too.

ninerbuff

You're not overweight, so what physical attraction is he speaking of?
You should be just doing this for you and your reasons. Not to appease or meet an expectation of someone else.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

gail1961

You seriously think this has anything to do with your weight? At 5'7" and 130 pounds, you should not be looking to lose weight. You are right to be concerned about getting obsessed. You are thinking about doing this because you think this would make your boyfriend be more attracted to you. I know how you can lose 160ish pounds of unwanted fat- lose the boyfriend. 1200 calories at 5'7" 130, no wonder you have little energy. Put your stats into MFP and set it to lose 0 pounds a week. That is your maintenance and you shouldn't go lower than that. Work out to get strong/in shape, not for weight loss. Just my opinion....

AidenMarie2015

To clarify: weight loss isn't my goal with this program--getting healthy is.

If anything, I'd like to gain weight in muscle. For now, I am focusing on getting a little exercise (light walking--I'm a teacher and am on my feet all day anyway) and eating right.

arditarose

130 and 5'7"? You're not overweight.

iwantmydenimback

Uh. I'm 5'3 and my lowest end goal weight is 130. You absolutely do not need to lose weight. If you're not happy with the shape of your body, jump on that weight training. But please don't kid yourself into thinking that your boyfriend will be more stoked about your appearance if you get unhealthily thin.

flawedsoperfectly

Your profile says you're looking to lose weight. I don't think being rail thin is going to make him more attracted to you. Seems to me like he has a problem, not you.

Christine_72

Your boyfriend is obviously one of those "boys" who find stick insects attractive. ..

Don't worry, he'll grow up eventually

999tigger

1. you arent overweight like they all said.
2. You need to do things for you not because of what he says. Do you ask him to go to the gym for you?
3. Less food isnt the way to go if you are going to exercise lift some weights.

FrankiesSaysRelax

If you're not trying to lose weight, there is absolutely 0 reason you should be eating 1200 calories. Even if you are trying to lose weight, that is not enough. If you're unhappy with your physical appearance, I would suggest weight lifting. Also, get a boyfriend who appreciates you and doesn't make you feel like this.

Christine_72

FrankiesSaysRelax wrote: »

If you're not trying to lose weight, there is absolutely 0 reason you should be eating 1200 calories. Even if you are trying to lose weight, that is not enough. If you're unhappy with your physical appearance, I would suggest weight lifting. Also, get a boyfriend who appreciates you and doesn't make you feel like this.

carliekitty

Dump your boyfriend. Make yourself happy!

TheVirgoddess

This makes me sad. I hope you find your mad.

PAV8888

AidenMarie2015 wrote: »

I've been wanting to get in better shape for a while, but recently I've been feeling as though my boyfriend isn't happy with the way I look. I'm 25, 5'7, and 130 lbs., and while I know I need to cut the fast food and start working out for health reasons, I'm afraid that I'll get obsessed with looking better to the extent that I become unhealthy. I only eat about 1200 calories most days (at least five days/week) as it is, but since I've started watching my food intake and walk 30 min a day, I've started to have so little energy and am always hungry.

If you want to get stronger and more fit, the best forum to discuss this would be the Fitness and Exercise forum.

"I eat 1200 Calories, watch my food intake, and walk 30 minutes a day" sounds much more like an attempt to lose weight.

74% of women your age have a higher BMI than you. If you lose 10lbs that number will be 86%. If this is really important for your boyfriend... do you really think you should stick with him?

Newsflash for the both of you: Most women do not maintain a BMI as low as 20.4 throughout their life.

Get healthy because you want to be healthy.

If you were a perfect couch potato, you would need to eat a good 1640 calories. To engage in the basic amount of exercise I would expect a normal 25 year old to want to engage in to replace some of her fat with muscle, you would be looking at more than 2350, if not more than 2800 Calories.

You are eating 1200. I wonder why you may be hungry and have no energy. Could it be that your body is adapting to what you're feeding it?

jimmyb210

Just my $.02 but 5'7" 130 does not even sound close to overweight, it sounds like you are right where you should be...you might need a new BF though

Machka9

AidenMarie2015 wrote: »

To clarify: weight loss isn't my goal with this program--getting healthy is.

If anything, I'd like to gain weight in muscle. For now, I am focusing on getting a little exercise (light walking--I'm a teacher and am on my feet all day anyway) and eating right.

Can you join a gym? Start taking spinning classes once a week ... run on the treadmill for 30 min ... start lifting weights?


Whatever you do, do it for yourself, not your BF. You're the one who has to live in your body. You're the one who has to be happy with you.

Sued0nim

ninerbuff wrote: »

You're not overweight, so what physical attraction is he speaking of?
You should be just doing this for you and your reasons. Not to appease or meet an expectation of someone else.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

hell yes!

5'8 and 160 (at my goal weight) and my husband thinks I'm gorgeous .. he also thought I was gorgeous at 210 ... but if he didn't it wouldn't matter

although tbh your boyfriend sounds pretty decent but you need to find your inner confidence

yesimpson

AidenMarie2015 wrote: »

Hi all,

I've been wanting to get in better shape for a while, but recently I've been feeling as though my boyfriend isn't happy with the way I look. I confronted him about this, and he admits that, while he finds me physically attractive and is even more attracted by my personality and my character, "the stuff that matters," he wishes that he were "more physically attracted" to me. He realized after he said it that it was totally out of line and apologized. I chalk it up to immaturity, but somehow I've not been able to get it off my mind.

You have no obligation to try to fit into anybody's idea of physical perfection. Get fitter and eat better if that makes you happy, but not because you think your boyfriend only thinks you're a 7/10 and wishes you were a 9.5.
To be honest I don't really understand why anyone would think this was an OK thing to say to anyone - which it sounds like your boyfriend realised afterwards. I think you're right, he needs to grow up and realise most humans are not physically perfect - and that's perfectly alright!

LKArgh

AidenMarie2015 wrote: »

Hi all,

I've been wanting to get in better shape for a while, but recently I've been feeling as though my boyfriend isn't happy with the way I look. I confronted him about this, and he admits that, while he finds me physically attractive and is even more attracted by my personality and my character, "the stuff that matters," he wishes that he were "more physically attracted" to me. He realized after he said it that it was totally out of line and apologized. I chalk it up to immaturity, but somehow I've not been able to get it off my mind.

I'm 25, 5'7, and 130 lbs., and while I know I need to cut the fast food and start working out for health reasons, I'm afraid that I'll get obsessed with looking better to the extent that I become unhealthy. I only eat about 1200 calories most days (at least five days/week) as it is, but since I've started watching my food intake and walk 30 min a day, I've started to have so little energy and am always hungry.

Any advice on staying healthy while making sure I don't focus on the things he's said? This is something that he will for sure have to grow out of--fast--if we're going to continue the relationship, but even if it ends, I don't know how I'll be able to keep that out of my workout motivation.

The physical attraction part would make sense if you had changed dramatically since he met you. You can love someone and still not like the physical changes in his/her body. But given your age and your weight, I think your boyfriend is trying to tell you the honeymoon phase is over and the attraction is simply gone. This does not sound like something you can fix by losing weight or exercising.

Chrysalid2014

Physical attraction doesn't just equate to thinness. Maybe a new hairstyle/colour (some men don't find short hair attractive, for example), some more flattering clothes/underwear, or as others have suggested, weight training for body definition. I'm not suggesting you should walk around in 4-inch stillettos all the time, and obviously I have no idea about your current style but if you're always lounging around in a track suit and ponytail then a little mini-makeover could be the answer.

wizzybeth

Ditch the boyfriend and find someone who will appreciate you. Eat more nutritional food and join a gym and maybe hire a personal trainer to strengthen your body. For heavens sake eat more than 1200 a day.

dufus12

How long have you been together? And does he undermine you in other ways too?

AidenMarie2015

Thank you everyone for your advice!!

To clarify:
-my profile says I'm trying to loose weight because when I started my account I entered that. I've since gone back to try and change it but can't figure out how to.
-I am currently trying to replace fat with muscle, as PAV8888 suggested above.
-I tend to equate eating healthy with eating fewer calories--which I know is false but I grew up with a mom who was on WeightWatchers so it's been programmed into my brain for a while!

We've only been dating for four months, so it's not incredibly serious, but he's otherwise a really great guy. I believe in working at relationships, but in the past I've changed too much or overcompensated for a guy not caring about me much, so I'm definitely on my guard in that aspect.

He says he works out because he thinks I wouldn't be attracted to him if he didn't--which couldn't be more false--and I think that may be where some of his feelings are coming from.

wizzybeth

Just make sure that whatever you do, you do it to make yourself happy - and know the difference between that and "making yourself happy by trying to make him happy."

I still think it was a very very weird comment for him to make no matter how much he apologizes...of course anyone would apologize after saying something douchey like that, but the fact that he said it at all would give me pause.

Ready2Rock206

I'd lose weight by dropping that boyfriend. Still early in the relationship and he's already throwing out the red flags. Its not going to get better.

dufus12

I didn't want to say it - and at your age - I certainly wouldn't want to hear it....but just after 4 months he is saying things like that?? There is nothing wrong with you, but something seriously wrong with him. Trust our collective instincts ( and experience!) and drop him. Nothing you will do will do will be enough. cos he, as they say. just not into you (makes me cringe, saying that, but it true) ...Take the initiative and at least have the drop on him by getting rid of him first.
I am really sorry - but this is just going to end in tears, but better now than later. I think the men here will agree.

Christine_72

You also have to read between the lines. He said it, he can't unring that bell now.
He can apologise a thousand times, or mask his words with love or humour. It still won't make what he said/says untrue...

kiittenforever

Ditch boyfriend.