Unwanted attention

1duffwf

This is exactly why I don't talk to anyone ever at the gym. :laugh: I go in with my headphones and baseball cap on, and don't even make eye contact.

Anyway if it were me I would start by bringing up my uber hot (pretend) boyfriend. Give him a name like Channing or Ryan or something else you can remember. Bring him up in every conversation (like Ryan and I are going to the movies tonight - better burn some extra calories so I can treat myself to some popcorn).

If he doesn't back off, then next step is to be short and blunt with him. Don't engage him in any conversation and when he talks to you keep your answers brief.

If he still doesn't get it after that then talk to his manager.

kellykw

Telling him to leave you alone won't make you a not-nice person. You can smile, say something like "ok I'm going to work out now, catch you later" and then completely ignore him. If he starts talking while you have headphones on, just point to them, shrug, and go on with whatever you're doing.

It sounds like he isn't taking the hint, so if you don't find a way to break free you're going to end up married to him and having his thickheaded personal-space-invading children.

craigmandu

Just break up!

dp1228

NO.

wtfffff? she does not HAVE to deal with creeps. i for one would sure as HELL not. i dont have time for bs like that. she sould be direct with him or speak with a manager to get it to stop. who gives a crap if he does the same thing to other woman? hes obviously a being a major pain in the *kitten* and she shouldnt have to just deal with it. he sounds creepy just from her description. not friendly. creepy.

I have been a member of my gym for quite a long time and a few months ago the gym manager started to say hi to me and talk to me about exercise and fitness etc... but over the last few weeks he has started to ask more personal questions and has started to drop in inappropriate comments which is now making me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.
I used to love going to the gym but now I dread it because of him. I feel my only option is to find another gym or try to ignore him and hope he gets bored?
Part of me thinks maybe I am making something out of nothing, because he is a really friendly guy but I think some of his comments are crossing the line.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

metacognition

You can just be honest. "Hey, you're a nice guy but I'm just here to work out."

Guaranteed 100% to work.
90% sure it will not offend.

OR

you can give him subtle hints that he will hopefully figure out on his own

Wear a small cubic zirconia "wedding ring" to your next workout. Make sure it's visible when he's around. If he asks about it say you didn't want to ruin it so you don't usually wear it to the gym. Downside is that all of the fit guys at the gym will think you're taken.

Another option is the next time he talks to youdrop a casual line about how you and "your boyfriend" like to go out together.

Had a super creepy guy hit on me at work once...he's old, hideous, and comes in to shop with his wife and children ! We just said hello casually and then he started to ask personal questions about what days I had off. He stood at my sales case and looked as guilty as sin for a few minutes while I tried my best not to say or do anything to give him the wrong message. He's friends with a coworker so I tried not to offend him...but I was so grossed out.

jessicae1aine

Yes i guess we do have a sense if we make someone uncomfortable, it's pretty obvious, but on the other hand some people are just so brain dead they have no clue.

I like your story though, it's a good example as how she was misreading the situation.

If I were to make someone uncomfortable, chances are I wouldn't know unless they said so. I also have offended people by asking questions that I didn't recognize as something that apparently wasn't okay to ask. Often, I'm not even sure what I've said that was the issue - and I won't know unless someone says so. The reason? I have Asperger's. It greatly affects my social skills.

nomeejerome

]
You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

I don't think she is at all. Unless you have been on the receiving end of creepsters, you have no idea how it feels. I didn't have it happen at the gym but at a place I liked to go to a lot. One of the employees would sit down and start talking to me when I was there to do something else. He eventually asked me out and I said no, I have a boyfriend, (which was a lie) but then he still would try to talk to me. Finally, I just started being plain rude to him. One word answers etc. Made me feel totally uncomfortable and a complete *****, but dang, some guys just don't get the hint.

There are many "people" who don't get the hint. Women do the same stuff. There is possibly some guy who you thought was cool and you think he is a good friend, you start to talk to him and what not, later on to find out he thinks you're a creeper. We don't know what the intention the guy at the gym has. He might just be a friendly guy and says weird comments to everyone, not just her.

If she feels uncomfortable okay, i get that... Has every person in this topic been absolutely comfortable in every social situation? Obviously not. It's just how society is, as people we cope and deal with these situations. One question, why is this lady uncomfortable? I am sure there are many women out there who would love the attention. I was in a similar situation with a women who kind of freaked out one time. It was weird...

This girl, i known her from a mutual friend, we met a few times. We started to talk online. She came over a few times i fixed her computer. We where talking online one time, i was hungry, i said "you want to go and eat lunch?"(i was hungry). She said, "It sounds like you're trying to date me." I told her NO I am not, i explained to her how she isn't my type. I am very picky with women. She was totally misreading the situation. I think the OP is doing the same thing.

It's not like he's standing behind her with his pants unzipped, having a jolly good time as she works out... Now that would be a problem.

The difference here is this man is in a position of authority. His behavior is not professional. He is not spotting her, which would be fine, he is staring at her! He has a job to do and it is not to stand there ogling. IMAO

The position of authority might be relevant. That can lead in to a whole entire discussion of social psychology, I don't even want to get in to that.

What I will say on topic though is... If she was "really" working out, she wouldn't notice him, I can tell you that. 2nd.. I remember this really really pretty girl who kept on looking at me. For thought is, "she's checking me out." My second thought, "don't jump to conclusions, she might think you look hell of weird and she can't stop staring."

There are many many reasons people look, I was looking at this guy at the gym yesterday, I kept on staring ta him. Not cause i am gay(cause i am not) but because he looked very familiar. I think she's over reacting(THE OP).

Proximity and the added inappropriate comments as well as it not being only once makes this so very different from your experience. She is paying to work out not to have to deal with an over enthusiastic gym manager.

Yes i do understand how this happens often for her. I am still waiting to hear what these comments are. yes you're right, she is paying to workout, she should be working out and stop worrying about other stuff. If someone is hauling butt in the gym then it's pretty obvious they shouldn't be approached.

And once again.....you are right, everybody else is wrong and your experiences should apply to the rest of the population. Hilarious.

Morninglory81

]
You are making something out of nothing. There are creepo guys out there, deal with it, like every other women does. You said he's friendly, how do you know he doesn't say the same thing to other women?

I will really really love to hear these things he says that are crossing the line...

I don't think she is at all. Unless you have been on the receiving end of creepsters, you have no idea how it feels. I didn't have it happen at the gym but at a place I liked to go to a lot. One of the employees would sit down and start talking to me when I was there to do something else. He eventually asked me out and I said no, I have a boyfriend, (which was a lie) but then he still would try to talk to me. Finally, I just started being plain rude to him. One word answers etc. Made me feel totally uncomfortable and a complete *****, but dang, some guys just don't get the hint.

There are many "people" who don't get the hint. Women do the same stuff. There is possibly some guy who you thought was cool and you think he is a good friend, you start to talk to him and what not, later on to find out he thinks you're a creeper. We don't know what the intention the guy at the gym has. He might just be a friendly guy and says weird comments to everyone, not just her.

If she feels uncomfortable okay, i get that... Has every person in this topic been absolutely comfortable in every social situation? Obviously not. It's just how society is, as people we cope and deal with these situations. One question, why is this lady uncomfortable? I am sure there are many women out there who would love the attention. I was in a similar situation with a women who kind of freaked out one time. It was weird...

This girl, i known her from a mutual friend, we met a few times. We started to talk online. She came over a few times i fixed her computer. We where talking online one time, i was hungry, i said "you want to go and eat lunch?"(i was hungry). She said, "It sounds like you're trying to date me." I told her NO I am not, i explained to her how she isn't my type. I am very picky with women. She was totally misreading the situation. I think the OP is doing the same thing.

It's not like he's standing behind her with his pants unzipped, having a jolly good time as she works out... Now that would be a problem.

The difference here is this man is in a position of authority. His behavior is not professional. He is not spotting her, which would be fine, he is staring at her! He has a job to do and it is not to stand there ogling. IMAO

The position of authority might be relevant. That can lead in to a whole entire discussion of social psychology, I don't even want to get in to that.

What I will say on topic though is... If she was "really" working out, she wouldn't notice him, I can tell you that. 2nd.. I remember this really really pretty girl who kept on looking at me. For thought is, "she's checking me out." My second thought, "don't jump to conclusions, she might think you look hell of weird and she can't stop staring."

There are many many reasons people look, I was looking at this guy at the gym yesterday, I kept on staring ta him. Not cause i am gay(cause i am not) but because he looked very familiar. I think she's over reacting(THE OP).

Proximity and the added inappropriate comments as well as it not being only once makes this so very different from your experience. She is paying to work out not to have to deal with an over enthusiastic gym manager.

Yes i do understand how this happens often for her. I am still waiting to hear what these comments are. yes you're right, she is paying to workout, she should be working out and stop worrying about other stuff. If someone is hauling butt in the gym then it's pretty obvious they shouldn't be approached.

Not everyone gives of that kind of vibe and it can be difficult to focus when you know it is coming. It is his job to keep the facility running and granted get member feed back but it should be all busness. It is his job to be professional and his conversations and maner should exude nothing less.

junejadesky

I also need advice in this area.

I work at the local gym in my area. There's this girl that started coming, and I started being friendly to her- no more than I would any one else in my gym. (I have a GF.) I started noticing her noticing me. Looking to see where I was. I would smile at her.. she would look away- playing hard to get, I guess. It seems like every time I am working there, she notices me. I feel bad that shes so desperate for my attention. Sometimes when I'm looking at someone behind her or just spaced out- I see her awkwardly smile at me. I'm really getting the creeps. She even takes her ear phones out of her ear when I walk by, so then I feel like I have to talk to her.

Please help.. I'm just trying to do my job!

This would also be a very hard situation, and I bet the farm that she has learned your work schedule so she can come in when she KNOWS that you are there. I would just keep your head down while she is there and focus on your job. It's becoming distracting to you to even have her there which is proably affecting your own productivity. I know that's not always easy, but it might help if you try to avoid her or "disappear" from her line of vision while she is there.

The taking out the ear buds thing would drive me NUTS. 2 pieces of advice on that: First, you can just politley say hello and that you are very busy and scamper (yes scamper) off looking very busy and like you have something to do (and of course you have something to do you are at work!!). Second, just talk non-stop about your girl. Once she hears you talk about a girlfriend it usually causes girls to back off.

I'm not sure if any of this helps, but I've been in the same situation in a past job where a customer had quite the thing for me. It was so hard, so I do wish you the best of luck!

junejadesky

I have been a member of my gym for quite a long time and a few months ago the gym manager started to say hi to me and talk to me about exercise and fitness etc... but over the last few weeks he has started to ask more personal questions and has started to drop in inappropriate comments which is now making me feel uncomfortable. I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.
I used to love going to the gym but now I dread it because of him. I feel my only option is to find another gym or try to ignore him and hope he gets bored?
Part of me thinks maybe I am making something out of nothing, because he is a really friendly guy but I think some of his comments are crossing the line.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I think we are all wanting to hear some of his comments! It would help us give you advice on how to handle it!

Joehenny

Put in ear buds and listen to music. Or just straight up tell him to fu(k off.

She can't say it in a more civil way?

I loved you in Django

missybct

This happens to nearly every girl at the gym other than me. Not by the PT's, but by the other men - they gawp as if the sentence girl, boobs and GYM never existed.

I'm so glad to be the minority - I haven't got time for socialising like the majority of people in my gym. I probably scare them off anyway, because I talk to the weights and give them the finger occasionally. I'm also known to sing out loud unintentionally.

ryry_

New account...2 posts total...over the top scenario...

seems legit.

Come on OP you can do better than 4 pages can't you?

glovepuppet

i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.

if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.

my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.

kmbweber2014

I had something similar happen and here is what I did: first when he would stand there and wait for me to take my headphones off I would only take one out, continue what i was doing and say "Hey". Then I would casually slip in something about my boyfriend ("my boyfriend has those same shoes, do you like them because he isn't too set on them?" ), then when he would say something inappropriate or ask me a personal question I would respond with "well that's a bit inappropriate/personal. Ha ha ha", then follow it with "Good to see you", put the headphone back in and be done. Then your not being rude but you're getting to the point.

junejadesky

Thanks for the replies
I have tried the headphone thing but he just stands there grinning at me until I take them out.
I would love to say 'back off' but I don't want to be rude. I think I'm too nice for my own good, but obviously I need to do something as I don't want this to keep happening.
Will keep trying to ignore him and if the comments do get worse then I will talk to his manager.
I am back at the gym tomorrow so wish me luck....

Why does it seem reasonable for you to be unconfortable at the gym? Why are you protecting this guy from (possibly) having his feelings hurt by you if you simply say "Sorry, but I am not here to socialize, and I need to focus on my workout, I need some space" ?

When you can't tell the truth about how you feel (at a commerical establishment that you are paying to use) -- because you are afraid of being seen as 'rude" -- then there is something wrong.

What is stopping you is that your discomfort for standing up for yourself is much greater than the level of discomfort this creeper is causing you. Don't do that, don't reduce your feelings as being less important that this stranger's - not too mention how can you expect him to change his behavior when you've never directly told him it bothers you? He obviously doesn't get the 'hints' - or he is ignoring them under the pretense of not understanding. So make him understand, be plain spoken. It's not rude, its just truthful.

Yes yes yes so well said!! Read this like 5 times and you will find your answer! It's so true that you are NOT being rude... you are being truthful!

amyk0202

It's not fair to him to go straight to his superiors when you haven't even asked him once to stop (what if he got fired? Is that what you want? I guess it would solve your problem but could haunt him for life) . He's probably clueless. Just grow a pair and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable to be watched while you work out, and that you're not there to socialize. Smile while you say it, say "no offense intended, but..." or "It's not you, it's me" if you must, but tell him how you feel. If he continues after that, then go to management.

I agree with this. It is not right to get him in trouble at work when you have not actually tried to solve the problem yourself. Putting in headphones as a way to discourage him when probably 75% of the people there are also wearing headphones is not a hint really.

If he approaches you, tell him upfront that you don't want to talk--you need to work out. If he asks an inappropriate question, tell him upfront that it's not something you are comfortable discussing. If he's watching you, ask him to move along because you don't like him watching you.

I understand not wanting to be rude or hurt someone's feelings, but this is his workplace & how he makes his living. It is wrong to put that at risk because you won't speak up for yourself. He could be a creeper or he could just have bad social skills. You don't know which yet. If you are direct & he keeps up, then you have a reason to complain. Until then, you really don't. If he just has bad social skills, this is a good learning opportunity for him.

csuhar

You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.

^^^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^

Don't use the "subtle hint" method. Save that for people who don't get it that you don't want to talk to them, but who otherwise haven't done anything except want to be a chatterbox.

This is different.

1) You've already established that you're willing to talk. So it's a little late to easily switch that off.

2) He has specifically said something that makes you uncomfortable. He has crossed a line. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but he *could* be thinking that, because you didn't say something, you're okay with what he said.

3) As someone who has spent YEARS commiting the occasional faux pas that upset my mother while having NO IDEA what I did until I'd racked up a series of offenses without knowing I'd upset her because she would bottle it up and not confront me about it, I can say that you'll likely do better to say outright "You crossed the line. That was inappropriate. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Not everyone picks up on hints and nonverbal communications. He may very likely be the type of person who will need to hear this in plain, audible English.

shrinkingWITS

I didn't read the the other posts...but for the love of God, TELL HIM THIS in a polite manner. He may have the impression that his behavior is welcomed...if you haven't said anything or made it clear in other ways that it's not.

iclaudia_g

You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.

^^^^^^THIS!!!!!^^^^^

Don't use the "subtle hint" method. Save that for people who don't get it that you don't want to talk to them, but who otherwise haven't done anything except want to be a chatterbox.

This is different.

1) You've already established that you're willing to talk. So it's a little late to easily switch that off.

2) He has specifically said something that makes you uncomfortable. He has crossed a line. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but he *could* be thinking that, because you didn't say something, you're okay with what he said.

3) As someone who has spent YEARS commiting the occasional faux pas that upset my mother while having NO IDEA what I did until I'd racked up a series of offenses without knowing I'd upset her because she would bottle it up and not confront me about it, I can say that you'll likely do better to say outright "You crossed the line. That was inappropriate. I don't want to talk to you anymore." Not everyone picks up on hints and nonverbal communications. He may very likely be the type of person who will need to hear this in plain, audible English.

^^^ this...I am about to do that to the annoying kid in the produce section of Publix. He seems to be a bit slow and just stares at me and says hi about 3 or 4 times when he sees me at the grocery store every time. I never even speak to him but he is just not very bright and keeps trying. He's probably just 10 years older than my own son. LOL