Unwanted attention

spirytwynd

Be simple and direct. Don't be ugly or rude about it but simply tell him you are not interested in him. You are there to work out and to reach your goals. Tell him your actions and comments make you feel uncomfortable. Ask him to stop. If he does not, talk to the owner or whoever is his supervisor. I assure you, they would much rather talk to you than to your lawyer. Things like sexual harrassment lawsuits tend to be very bad for business, especially in tough economic times. The suggestion to bring a friend with you is also a good suggestion. It is even better when you have a witness with you so that he can't pull a he said she said kind of thing. Be clear and direct, bottom line up front. No means no.

Jxnsmma

I dont know if this was mentioned already but when Im trying to get the point across that Im not interested I just throw in a comment about "My husband blah blah...." that usually takes care of that...

cuz y'know, this happens to me all the time

ironmonkeystyle

You say "your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. Stop" Period. If it continues or he gets mean you report him immediately. You are not in the wrong whatsoever for doing this. You dictate how others treat you.

^^^^ This.

DawnEH612

Tell him that your really want to focus on getting your workout done and dont have time to socialize as it distracts you from why you're at the gym.
I have told this to people and i have even told one guy,,"you're impeding my workout, maybe you can find someone else willing to talk to you tonight. "
I find some people just dont get the headphones hint.... Also, maybe you can leave the area and do something else if he takes up shop behind you... just to confirm if he was back there to stare at you. if he leaves shortly after you, its confirmed. I have also been direct when a guy has asked me out. I no longer make up some lie, I tell them I am not interested in dating anyone (or anyone from the gym at this time).
Dont worry about hurting feelings. He's not worried about offending you or making you feel uncomfortable. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
Be direct... Its the only way to go!

Raeontherun

Troll.

mustang289

I would suggest being direct.

He asks personal questions, decline to answer. He makes inappropriate comments, tell him you don't appreciate them and that he needs to stop. He stares while you're working out, stop working out and tell him to knock it off.

While headphones and subtle might work. Direct tends to be faster

What SHE said. Exactly.
He doesn't realize its making you uncomfortable, so TELL him. Lots of guys are clueless, and will talk to any female kind enough to talk back.

PhattiPhat

I started going to my gym in January this year and been working out there 4-5 days a week. No one there paid attention to me until last month in May. All of a sudden all the male trainers are stopping by where I am, chatting me up, asking things, flirting....blah blah.

I'm pretty sure they are schilling me into signing up for sessions. Think about it. Are they gonna go solicit the people who will probably go to the gym a few times then quit (while still paying a membership, mind you)? Or are they gonna solicit someone who is starting to look familiar and has been consistently working out for the last 6 months, a guaranteed client?

I love my gym, it's just that the trainers there are shameless hustlers and every couple weeks I'm dodging em

PhattiPhat

Manager talking to you in the gym? I think we can all agree there's only one way to handle this.

haha! Is that a glock?

xinit0

I try to avoid him but as soon as he sees me come into the gym he makes a bee line for me! He stands behind the equipment I am working on, staring at me and its starting to annoy me now.

Tell him you're not interested in anything but working out. Alone.

justwanderful

clareyoung80

I was thinking about this thread last night, especially in regards to my own experience I talked about here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1015528-standing-up-for-yourself-and-harassment

And if you have any issues about the repercussions of standing up to persistent people etc.. you might want to have a look at 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin De Beck and 'When I say No, I Feel Guilty' by Manuel J. Smith.

Yeah, they sound a little over the top but if you're bothered by the whole politeness rules on when and how it's best to tell someone to back off, and you're also scared of the repercussions of doing do, I found both these books very useful (bought them and read some of them last night!!)

'When I say No' doesn't really have any info on dealing with persistent strangers, but it does lay out ground work for being assertive (ie: you have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior, you have the right to change your mind, you have the right to be illogical in making decisions, you have the right to say I don't care).

'The Gift of Fear' is about dealing with people's behaviors that make you feel threatened, it also has a very interesting chapter about persistent people and how to deal with them (don't try and figure out their behavior in regards to what you would/wouldn't do, do not do anything to add fuel to the fire but simply withdraw all interaction - either altogether, or if you have to see them then treat them like the stranger they are and do not interact with them. It also chimes in with the advice given here: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-with-Someone-That-is-Harassing-You which is "Do not get into a dialogue with the harasser,or try to reason with them, or answer their questions. You do not need to respond to diversions, questions, threats, blaming, or guilt-tripping. Stay on your own agenda. Stick to your point. Repeat your statement or leave.")

Also, and I don't know if this applies to your situation, but with regards to dealing with people who you suspect may be somewhere on the Autism spectrum. The advice I've read is to make your requests as clear and verbal as possible, as they will be unable to pick up on subtle hints that you want to be left alone (which is obvious, as if they were able to read you in the first place they wouldn't be coming over and talking to you repeatedly). It's what I think is the issue in my case, and so for any further interaction I'm aiming to clearly and calmly repeat: "You are invading my personal space. Leave me alone."

Anyhoo, that's all obviously food for thought about what to do after you start showing this guy that he's crossing your personal boundaries (I'd go with "I need to concentrate on my workout," then smile and ignore.)

Hope some of that helps, or at least puts your mind at ease!

clareyoung80

i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.

if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.

my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.

''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.''

Ooohh - I'm totally adding that to my repertoire!


Part of me wishes that in these situations I could just stand up and yell "STRANGER DANGER!!" then point and scream at them like in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'.

sparrow0716

You should not have to "ignore" or "avoid" someone because they're making you unsafe. As a woman, it's not my job to take men's comments and endure them just because they feel okay saying them. If you feel like what he's saying is inappropriate, tell him, tell a manager, or like others have said, switch gyms. But don't switch gyms without reporting him. It's highly likely that he's doing this to other customers and clients as well, ruining business for whoever actually owns the gym. Everyone deserves to work out in a space in which they feel safe and welcomed. There's enough shame at the gym without snarky guys dropping inappropriate comments all the time.

alisonlynn1976

If he were anyone but the manager, I would complain to the manager about the inappropriate behavior. Since he is the manager, I would find another gym. And tell him why, if you feel comfortable doing so. Women should not have to "just shut up and take it" when sexually harassed, and that's what this is.

Jtorres326

Simple: tell him you don't have time to chat because you just came in to workout. Explain to him that you dont like to socialize at the gym because it's cutting into your limited exercise time. And then just walk away. We, as women, are so afraid as being seen as rude. Who cares? Be assertive. You're there to workout, not chit chat.

clareyoung80

You should not have to "ignore" or "avoid" someone because they're making you unsafe. As a woman, it's not my job to take men's comments and endure them just because they feel okay saying them. If you feel like what he's saying is inappropriate, tell him, tell a manager, or like others have said, switch gyms. But don't switch gyms without reporting him. It's highly likely that he's doing this to other customers and clients as well, ruining business for whoever actually owns the gym. Everyone deserves to work out in a space in which they feel safe and welcomed. There's enough shame at the gym without snarky guys dropping inappropriate comments all the time.

Oh no, I agree about not ignoring or avoiding someone because of their conduct. I'm not talking about enduring bad behavior. I mean once you have told them to leave you alone and they continue to be persistent. Avoid, which is what you suggested anyway with regards to switching gyms.

Yeah - ignoring them is a bit more problematic. I mean it in the sense that if they are an overly friendly stranger then you should not give them any fuel to their fire. So if they keep trying to ask you questions or engaging you in conversation and you don't like it, then you should not feel you need to engage them in conversation back just to be polite. There's probably a better word to use than 'ignore'... Not tolerate? In my head I know what I mean! Not put up with **** out of fear of seeming rude, not engaging in chit chat for fear of seeming rude, not entering into a debate or discussion about you telling them to leave you alone...that's what I mean.

Mustang_Susie

I've had a similar situation but in a different environment.
I don't think guys truly understand how this can make a woman feel.

What helped me was to research the dynamic of stalking.
I know that sounds like I'm taking it to the extreme and we visualize stalkers as terrorizing women.
But stalking has increasing levels of encroachment and I saw that this guy was slowly but surely escalating.
It helped me to see that I wasn't imagining things and I needed to set my boundaries to be safe.

I agree with the direct approach to begin with and bring a friend if it difficult for you to confront someone.
At least give him the chance to apologize and change his ways.
If that doesn't work, then definitely take it to the next level of management.

It has been my experience that these kind of guys don't respect women, think its their "right" to treat women in this manner and will need more than just your polite confrontation.
But do it yourself first just to know in your mind that you gave him the chance and he ignored your request.
That will give your complaint more legitimacy when you take it to the next level.

This is a good article.
Even though it's "Teen Advice", I think it applies to all women.
http://teenadvice.about.com/library/weekly/aa052002a.htm

yksdoris

i used to hate offending people but, a few stalkers & sexual assaults down the line, offending people doesn't bother me at all. lots of creeps see you not telling them to jog on as you accepting their attention.

if somebody says something inappropriate i just look them right in the eye and say, ''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.'' and i don't mind if it makes them uncomfortable.

my general personality gives plenty enough hints that i'm interested in nothing more intimate than common civility.

''that's completely inappropriate. i'm here to _____.''

Ooohh - I'm totally adding that to my repertoire!


Part of me wishes that in these situations I could just stand up and yell "STRANGER DANGER!!" then point and scream at them like in 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'.

me too! Could definitely use it with a colleague of mine. Next time he makes a green nipples joke, laughs at himself and then shiftily apologizes. He KNOWS he did wrong but he did it anyways... *sigh*

However, in the OP case, it could be unintentional. Neither men nor women are mind readers; and it could be that he's just being friendly. It could also be that he's genuinely interested in you - however, in both cases it's best to let him know that you're not comfortable with the attention you're receiving. Maybe you can approach him after your training session; privately (nobody likes to be told these kinds of things in front of everybody) and explain that you are getting mixed messages from him and you'd appreciate it to have it clear for once and for all: is he interested in you or not? If he's not to maybe think about toning down his communication - and if he is, then let him know that you're not looking for a relationship, just the workout. And no, "workout" is not a euphemism for something else.