Cheating vs. Flirting (what's the difference)
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she has crossed the line for sure. Not she has not cheated on you but she was planning on it. A committed person in a relationship does not act inappropriate like that unless there are intentions. Her intent was and still may be to cheat!0
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Shows a lot about her character...move on and dump her *kitten*0
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This is the behavior that leads to cheating. The dishonesty alone is a HUGE red flag.
^^^ this, the door is open that is why you constantly feel like you have to check behind her, once the trust is broken it's hard to rebuild, maybe you both need to discuss why you are in the relationship and what you want/hope for it to become. Then discuss what type of behaviors are helping you both reach that and what behavior isn't.0 -
I really do define cheating in the traditional sense of physical intimacy, but some people believe there's such a thing as emotional cheating. Really the fact that she hid it from you and lied to you when it obviously made you uncomfortable is what I would focus and harp on. Of course the flirting bothered you, but personally the lying and secret keeping would bother me more.
QFT0 -
Eh, I consider cheating doing anything with someone that I would feel the need to hide from my partner, but that doesn't mean that that's something another couple has to live by. Some couples flirt outside of their relationship to keep it fresh! Tyra once said on her own, "My man can look at whoever he wants, but he comes home and only puts it down with me" <<or something to that effect. For some people, that's good enough!
If YOU feel like you were disrespected, voice your opinions in a mature way. Make boundaries/standards for your relationship. If she can't respect the expectations you have, or lies about them, then perhaps you need to rethink your relationship status....
But the lying, hiding and attempting to meet without saying anything....oh she was in it for the D. For sure.
Totally agree. You have to define cheating for yourself, and I always think it is a good thing to define cheating when you get into a relationship. To me, cheating is when you physically OR emotionally get close to someone other than you SO. When you share things with someone else you should be keeping in the relationship.
In my previous relationship we defined it as just physical - so we went along and flirted away with other people, which led to both of us physically cheating. In my current relationship we know better. We both agree that flirting with someone is cheating. Putting yourself in a position where you could possibly cheat is disrespecting the relationship. But that is for us. I know a buttload of people that don't consider flirting, cheating - and it works fine for them.
As long as there is a mutual agreements, it's fine.
ETA: I think her lying to you about it says enough, tbh. Kick her to the curb (lying is an absolute no-no for me).0 -
If you are in an exclusive relationship, and you create the impression in a third party's mind that they can sleep with you if they really try, that's when you've taken flirting into cheating territory -- even if you haven't physically cheated. It shows the same level of disrespect to your own partner.
My thoughts exactly.0 -
I would describe actual cheating as a physical act. However she is setting herself up to be in a position that cheating can happen by keeping this relationship a secret and planning on meeting. You have right to be concerned.0
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OP-- I have been through this very similarly and it, among another things, is what really helped my marriage fall apart. If you're like me, trust is a huge issue. If I can't trust someone, then whats the point of a relationship? Even though nothing physically happened, to me it is still cheating. Emotional cheating to me hurts more than physical simply because its more than just sex or whatever...there's an attachment there.
However, you just have to figure out what's in your heart.0 -
My view is that a relationship is emotional and physical.
She is involved emotionally with this man, I say she's cheating. It's an emotional affair, and my guess is that if they had the opportunity, they would take it further.0 -
In my humble opinion, cheating can be classified as anything you would not do in front of your significant other without shame or embarrassment for either of you. Also, if its something you feel the need to lie about, its probably something you (or in this case she) shouldn't be doing.
^^^^this. Exactly.0 -
I thought this thread was about cheat meals, and I was wondering what on earth they could have to do with flirting.
Anyway. Continue.0 -
she shouldn't lie. but...
insecure & jealous partners are a bigger relationship killer than flirting.0 -
The truth is if there is a "hiding" factor to what a person is doing that you are married/committed to, something is wrong. It's perfectly ok in my mind if my wife flirts with someone online, as soon as that turns into "phone" conversations, that's where I would draw the line. The fact that a meeting of any sort was planned or in the process of being planned, without your knowledge, screams a big problem to me.
The real problem isn't any of this though. The real problem is you have found out about it, and now you have lost trust in her. Trust is key, it is very fundamental. Without trust, there really isn't much else. I would personally tell her this, and say to her that I feel like she is hunting for something outside of our relationship and that I no longer trust her.
Then I'd probably start making my own plans for our split up. Cause once she knows you no longer trust her she may just decide to end the relationship herself.0 -
Wow, your husband can sleep with another woman as long as he does not lie to you about it. Holy heck not in my marriage.
I was thinking the same thing. :laugh: I don't think I could handle it. I've been in a relationship where I was lied to and cheated on. I couldn't be OK with my husband sleeping with other women, even if he told me. While I feel to each his own, for me personally, it would defeat the purpose of marriage. To commit to a person and only that person. But again, that's just me. Kudos to you if it works!
OP - I've been in a similar situation. She is lying...that says it all. She didn't want you to know what they were up to. I'd say it's cheating, even they haven't gotten physical yet. Sex isn't the only thing that equals cheating.0 -
I really do define cheating in the traditional sense of physical intimacy.
I do as well. Flirting is okay in my book (and my husbands) BUT she was going to meet the guy without you knowing. She was sneaking around behind your back. That is not okay.
When I get hit on in public I always tell my husband. Even on facebook, I show him. I usually get a high five. Lol. But we have talked about all these issues already. What is okay and what is not. And hiding things is not okay.0 -
bang her friends
thread/
beat me to it0 -
I can speak from experience. I have an ex husband for a very good reason. I knew for a long time that something was wrong I could feel it. We have children together so I ignored it for a long time. Once I had all I could take and all the proof I needed to get him to own up to it. We tried to work it out but I could never trust him again. It wasn't completely because of what he had done in the past it was because no matter what he did I could never trust him again. It was the lies and broken trust that I could never forgive. I left him and I was so very happy and I felt a freedom that was just relieving because I didn't waste all my wondering and worrying about what he was doing. My time and energy is mine again and after I got away from the stress I got my life in order. I found myself and got control of my health and lost 95 lbs and improved my health. The worry and stress would have never gone away if I hadn't left. Life is so much better now for all of us. Trust is everything to me cheating vs. flirting isn't what you are worried about it is about peace of mind and trust and a person has to earn those and once that is broken it is hard to get back.0
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In my humble opinion, cheating can be classified as anything you would not do in front of your significant other without shame or embarrassment for either of you. Also, if its something you feel the need to lie about, its probably something you (or in this case she) shouldn't be doing.
^^^^this. Exactly.
Damnit!!! Looks like I'm going to have to call it quits with Leftie, and her cousin Righty!!! I feel real bad and never thought I was cheating
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Wow, your husband can sleep with another woman as long as he does not lie to you about it. Holy heck not in my marriage.
We're in our 60s now, so this was about thirty years in the past, but yeah, we did have a little recreational sex with good friends. I had one lover, for 15 years, a menage a trois situation, and hubby had a few other women. No kids means more freedom. It was all good. Everything was shared and open. We are still married, happily, best friends, 42 years now. I think the main reason it worked for us was because we are so well suited that there was never any question of leaving for another partner. Neither of us are jealous or insecure. ...good times.0 -
In my humble opinion, cheating can be classified as anything you would not do in front of your significant other without shame or embarrassment for either of you. Also, if its something you feel the need to lie about, its probably something you (or in this case she) shouldn't be doing.
Yep, this.
i'm for this one as well. at the moment i don't have a SO but if i did i would not hide anything from her, i send "playful" messages to someone i met on facebook (and she sends the same to me) just like the OP was saying and we have even made plans to meet up in the future, she too is a few states away,i would be traveling to meet her,sounds the exact same as your situation, only the parts that you don't see is 1. she is married (happily) 2. she is just a crazy friend that i get along with,no interest outside of our jokes, which are a little flirty/ wierd 3. her husband knows we talk, he knows we plan to meet up in the future, basically she DOES NOT HIDE ANYTHING from him, we know what we have as friends and they know what they have as a couple, there is no worry between them,there is no hiding anything from him,just as there would not be from my SO if i had one. and with that i have another little story from another perspective.
when i was dating my ex years ago i was an assistant manager at work, i had to close the store most nights and even on my best night (doing everything before close possible) the earliest i could EVER get out was 12:05, with a 20 minute drive home so 12:25, one night i decided to leave my job about 15 minutes before close, had anyone called or looked at the time i shut down the computers i would have been fired instantly, (my ex knew this). that night i got home at 12:07, with my (then) girlfriend sitting on the couch in boyshorts SHARING the same couch cushion as some guy i'd never met looking at pictures. her first words? "wow, you're home early" .... she told me it was her best friend and that she wasn't expecting me home yet so they were just hanging out, that relationship was over because why in the F*** could she have not sent me a text or gave me a call at work just to say " hey,my friend is in town,were going to hang out til you get home" all i needed was the honesty and i would have been ok with it, especially if he had planed on staying there until i got home, i could have met him, hung out,maybe had a few drinks with her old friend but everything seemed like it was trying to be hidden from me, that was the deal breaker for me. and that being said years later we still talk, and i have zero interest in her now,but i truely believe that was just a very wrong time/wrong place/wrong wording used deal. so my advice assuming anyone is still reading this (haha) is no one can tell you how to feel, looking back on it now knowing what i know i personally would have ended it still because even if nothing is going on why hide it, the chance was there to at least mention it.and to me a relationship without trust is not going to work eventually0 -
Whatever she was or wasnt intending she lied to you. She clearly knew you would be upset by it or why hide it, so the issue is do you want to be with someone who is happy to ride roughshod over your feelings for the sake of a bit of flirty banter? As my lovely Nan used to say... theres no love without trust.0
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I think people in relationships should always have an explicit conversation about which behavior they consider cheating or not and come to an agreement, preferably *before* anything borderline inappropriate forces that conversation.0
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Cheating is not really what's happening here. Disrespect for you, humiliating you, her lack of caring about your feelings are a few that pop to mind. Perhaps she isn't as emotionally invested in you as you'd like or isn't the type of person you would want a relationship with. Of course you need to examine yourself and make sure your not over reacting.
All of the above are not good signs in any relationship.0 -
Is it just the two of them planning to meet up? That doesn't seem quite right, but what do I know? I don't know her intentions. I wouldn't feel comfortable meeting with a guy unless there were others with us. One of my ex's brought his children over to my house one day before he went overseas. I was fine with it as I knew in my heart there was nothing to come of it other than to have the kids play and to chat with a friend. But I know myself and would never cheat on my husband.
The online flirting is something different. And, of course, this is just my opinion but... if it's just chatting and flirting, it could mean nothing. Sometimes it's fun, it can be a self esteem boost. Was your relationship fine before the planning of a meet-up? It may have started out perfectly harmless. If you 're constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure she's not doing something wrong, well that is going to put strain on your relationship. It's going to drive you both crazy and this may or may not end well. Don't invade her privacy, you may have trust issues but to lose her trust as well could be a very bad thing. I speak from personal experience, TALK TO HER!
Are you insecure in your relationship? Would you feel better if she just stopped talking to the opposite sex completely? Doesn't seem quite right to me. Talking can lead to flirting, I honestly feel it's human nature and some people may not even realize that they are doing it. You can't just cut yourself off from the opposite gender, you are not property, you can be social.0 -
Unless there was bodily fluids exchanged then I wouldn't consider it cheating.. However she crossed a line for sure. She shouldn't be exchanging numbers, texting, and making plans to meet up with some dude if she's committed to you.0
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AGREED!This is the behavior that leads to cheating. The dishonesty alone is a HUGE red flag.0
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If you are in an exclusive relationship, and you create the impression in a third party's mind that they can sleep with you if they really try, that's when you've taken flirting into cheating territory -- even if you haven't physically cheated. It shows the same level of disrespect to your own partner.
I agree with this! But I am kind of a jealous person, I've realized. If my boyfriend allowed a girl to believe that he was interested in her, I would probably literally explode with rage.0 -
It's hard to fix "rocky" when there is a lack of trust!0
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for some third parties that could mean eye contact.If you are in an exclusive relationship, and you create the impression in a third party's mind that they can sleep with you if they really try, that's when you've taken flirting into cheating territory -- even if you haven't physically cheated. It shows the same level of disrespect to your own partner.
i don't believe it's about what C thinks A might do, but rather it's about what A would actually do.0 -
line is crossed when she feels the need to hide it.
if its innocent flirting it should be safe to talk to the partner about it.0
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