Anyone else experience negativity due to weight loss?

MeganKyGirl82

When you first lost a significant amount of weight, and it became apparent to friends/family that you were committed to this life change, did some of those people treat you differently?

There are some people in my life who seem to have gone from supportive to ... I don't know ... bitter may be a bit too harsh of a word. It's mostly passive aggressive, like little derogatory remarks. Offensive jokes. They almost seem to think that the words "skinny b****" are a compliment. A few laugh about what I eat and throw around words like obsessed.

I could understand if I were rude about it, but honestly I'm never the one to bring up this change in my lifestyle. I spent over a year losing a fairly significant amount of weight so I understand how it could be a bit jarring, but still this bothers me from time to time. Does anyone else encounter this, and how do you deal with it without being snarky back and maintaining the relationship?

BeginnersBootcamp

I have had people ask me if I have lost weight and when I say Yes, they say "oh....why? .... on purpose?.... You're like, 4 pounds now..." etc. Why bother trying if my friends were nicer to me before?

CoffeeNBooze

I had a friend who years ago would call me names like bag of bones, skinny, wasting away, every day. It made me wonder if I had gone too far but I was well within a healthy weight for my height. It made me pretty self conscious but I shrugged it off because I lost weight for me, not for her. I was happy with how I looked.That was 7 years ago. I haven't changed much since then (just up about 5lbs) and she hasn't made any comments besides when I initially lost the weight.
I guess what worked for me was being confident in my choices, and since I have maintained a certain range for years now, I really don't get comments like that anymore.

MeganKyGirl82

It is such an uncomfortable feeling. I just feel like I haven't and wouldn't comment on their choices or appearances, so it shouldn't be okay for them to do the same. I think part of the reason it gets under my skin is because I never expected it. When I had my 3rd child I was 216 when I left the hospital. I got down to the 180s relatively easy, but I stalled there for a long time. As of right now I'm 145. At 5.3 that is definitely not underweight and neither is my goal of 130. At least I don't feel that is drastic or obsessive weight loss. Thanks for commenting. I need to just learn to ignore the remarks because right now they make me want to turn into a recluse.

jodienjayden

I completely understand what you're talking about. My best friend lives four hours away from me, and up until about six months ago we talked on the phone on a regular basis. We would talk about everything. Well, we used to laugh at ourselves in reference to how ridiculous our eating habits were and also complain about how none of our clothes fit anymore and how miserable we were (never ending cycle).... Anyway, I decided to do something about it for me. I had to. I lost weight (70 pounds) and worked my a** off. She didn't and has no desire to, and that's fine with me, but no reason to be mad at me for choosing to change. She hardly talks to me anymore, but saw me for the first time a month ago when I was in town seeing family and was extremely rude and stand off-ish. It hurts my feelings so bad. I hate it.

jodienjayden

kygirl8282 wrote: »

It is such an uncomfortable feeling. I just feel like I haven't and wouldn't comment on their choices or appearances, so it shouldn't be okay for them to do the same. I think part of the reason it gets under my skin is because I never expected it. When I had my 3rd child I was 216 when I left the hospital. I got down to the 180s relatively easy, but I stalled there for a long time. As of right now I'm 145. At 5.3 that is definitely not underweight and neither is my goal of 130. At least I don't feel that is drastic or obsessive weight loss. Thanks for commenting. I need to just learn to ignore the remarks because right now they make me want to turn into a recluse.

Definitely ignore the comments! I'm about the same as you. I'm 5'4, had my last baby last November. I was 209 when I left the hospital, and now have been ranging from anywhere between 137 141 for the last couple of weeks. My goal is 130 as well

librarydebster

I had a friend say she was annoyed with me because I said on fb that I wanted to lose another 20 pounds. (Which I do need to do). She was larger than me and somehow felt pressured because she thought it reflected on her for not losing weight. I told her I want to lose this fat for me. And yep, I have had one friend use the word obsessed (about my exercise) but they do not exercise regularly, whereas I am having so much fun with my activities that I go out hiking and cycling any chance I get. So you just have to enjoy the benefits of eating well and exercising and not worry about others.

MeganKyGirl82

Thanks all. It seems such a shame to me. As if losing the weight wasn't difficult enough without being ostracized for it. I'll ignore it and continue to bite my tongue, but there are times this part of me wants to say, "maybe if I went back to ordering double bacon heart attacks in a bag you would still like me!" Petty I know lol.

TheRoseRoss

I have witnessed and experienced this a few times. It's slightly different for me because I am male, but my wife lost over 100 pounds and has experienced this very thing with her "friends" and colleagues. She has a male friend that she has been close with for years. Once her weight loss finally plateaued, his wife forbid him even speaking to her. To put it bluntly, my wife asked "why was it okay for us to be friends 100 pounds ago, but not now?" Because his wife didn't feel "threatened" by her 100+ pounds ago.

I hate making generalizations, but I think that generally speaking, it stems from jealously and insecurity. As a male, it's easier for me to "play it off" when co-workers start with the "how much more weight do you plan on losing?" comments. Even my wife, that feels she needs to lose another 50 pounds, will sometimes ask. I've been too unhappy with myself for far too long to undermine what I have accomplished, and what I hope to accomplish, in order to make other people feel better about themselves. It's faster and easier to beat others down than it is to work hard a sacrifice in order to build ourselves up.

There's "fat shaming," and there's "fit shaming." If someone were to make fun of a person that were overweight, the world would come to the overweight person's rescue. If someone makes fun of a person by calling them a "skinny b****," the world tells the "skinny b****" that she needs to "calm down," "get a sense of humor," and "not take things so personally." It's a double standard, but it definitely exists. If you complain about it, as a "skinny b****," the world will tell you that you need to "stop being so sensitive" and just "take it on the chin." Only you know your situation, but perhaps trying to defuse it and quickly move on will work. I usually ignore the question when asked "how much more weight do you plan on losing?" I know my colleagues like the show "the walking dead," and I can almost guarantee that my weight will be brought up by one employee in particular. Especially during pot lucks. She usually yells it across the room, which I always think is a nice touch, because everyone kinda stops what their doing and waits for my answer. When she asks "How much more weight do you plan on losing?" I quickly answer:

"Have they killed off Daryl on the walking dead yet? I stopped watching during season 2 because I just couldn't stand it any more."

That used to switch the conversation to the topic of tv shows. Unfortunately, she has begun redirecting the conversation back to my weight, refusing to let it go. I don't know what her agenda is, but she clearly has one. "Avoid and/or redirect." And hopefully they get the hint that it's something you don't want to discuss. When this co-worker of mine persists, I simply answer "we'll see where it goes," and move on.

Good Luck.

MeganKyGirl82

That's a great strategy! It's nice to hear a response from a male prospective. I'm sorry to hear about the conflicts each of you shared with me. Thank you for sharing these. Everyone here has worked hard, and you are all incredible in my book! At least we are supported here, even if only through a screen of some sort. If it weren't for mfp, I would be sitting around quoting my 11 year old to myself, "IT'S SO UNFAIR!"

spat095

"Fit shaming," haha - somehow I hadn't heard that term yet, but it's perfect. I've experienced this, too. I don't have much more to say that other posters haven't yet, just know you're not alone.

cwolfman13

people who aren't into fitness and nutrition the way I am give me grief simply because they don't understand what it's like to be passionate about fitness and nutrition...just like I might give them grief for spending weekends on end working on some junker of a car...'cuz I don't get that. People are into different things...

in the end, who the *kitten* cares? you do what you do 'cuz it's what you do.

MeganKyGirl82

Thanks all!! Your thoughts and experiences are much appreciated!

yurlennexo

I lost all my weight after giving birth to my child and went back to my regular size right away, but I recently gained some weight and I told my bff that I was on a strict diet and exercising she told me I shouldn't because I looked too ugly skinny and that I was all bones... She said I look better now that I gained

MeganKyGirl82

OUCH! That's definitely negativity due to weight loss. I'm sorry!! How careless of her.

Jen5366mfp

Yep... I get this.... I am very sensitive about my weight I tend to yo yo with crash diets this is proberly the only time ive tried to do properly with a change for life.
When im thin my friends disappear, when im fat they come back.
The comments people make when I loose I find uneccessary and hurtful a simpe oh you look nice I like thst dress would be appreciated .... not oh how much weight have you lost.... how did you do you that... or better not go near those cakes or youll put it all back on!!

scg17

I gained 30ish lbs after being trampled by a horse 6 years ago, then slowly started bringing it down a few years after (I had limited mobility for the first two years). Then I had hip surgery a few years ago to help with some complications from the accident, and packed on a bit more weight (so I was about 25lb more than I weighed before the original accident). After the surgery I had a long recovery, then slowly started losing again, about a lb per month. I'm now 5'5", 132lbs (still 7lbs more than before the accident), and people are telling me I'm too skinny, anorexic, not eating enough, and have body dysmorphia. It stinks, because I'm an athlete (competitive equestrian, though low level), and I want to look and feel athletic. I'm a healthy weight now, and my goal (125lb) is a healthy weight (and one I'm happy to take my time getting to) that I have been before! All I can say is I think people have a hard time with change, and weight loss especially makes them feel self-conscious or ashamed of their own eating/fitness habits. I don't really appreciate the comments though, because it makes me feel like overcoming a major disability doesn't mean much, and they seem to dismiss the fact the doctor has said that the less I weigh as I get older, the easier life will be for me (after so much trauma to my joints). So, assess if your goal is healthy, discuss it with your doctor, and remember that people react badly to change or things that threaten their perception of self, and try to shrug it off.

barbecuesauce

I lost my best friend at the beginning--we started at the same time, she gave up and my success was a knife in her eye. She made a lot of rude comments about my life in general until I just completely cut her out of my life. I've noticed two other close friends pulling away and making comments too. It's crazy--one of them has a hobby that I have never judged (but don't understand and do not engage in), and I see fitness as a hobby now while she still views it as a chore. I devote less time to exercise than she does to her hobby, but I'm the obsessive one in her eyes.

I think the answer for me is to make more fitness-minded friends. I no longer discuss my weight loss/exercise with anyone offline.

I also get a lot of grief from my dad, who is concerned that I am going to develop an eating disorder (not happening).

barbecuesauce

scg17 wrote: »

I gained 30ish lbs after being trampled by a horse 6 years ago, then slowly started bringing it down a few years after (I had limited mobility for the first two years). Then I had hip surgery a few years ago to help with some complications from the accident, and packed on a bit more weight (so I was about 25lb more than I weighed before the original accident). After the surgery I had a long recovery, then slowly started losing again, about a lb per month. I'm now 5'5", 132lbs (still 7lbs more than before the accident), and people are telling me I'm too skinny, anorexic, not eating enough, and have body dysmorphia. It stinks, because I'm an athlete (competitive equestrian, though low level), and I want to look and feel athletic. I'm a healthy weight now, and my goal (125lb) is a healthy weight (and one I'm happy to take my time getting to) that I have been before! All I can say is I think people have a hard time with change, and weight loss especially makes them feel self-conscious or ashamed of their own eating/fitness habits. I don't really appreciate the comments though, because it makes me feel like overcoming a major disability doesn't mean much, and they seem to dismiss the fact the doctor has said that the less I weigh as I get older, the easier life will be for me (after so much trauma to my joints). So, assess if your goal is healthy, discuss it with your doctor, and remember that people react badly to change or things that threaten their perception of self, and try to shrug it off.

Crazy. Did these people know you before your accident? Six years doesn't seem like *that* long to be overweight, in the grand scheme of things. The friends giving me stick about my weight didn't know me when I was slim, but old friends are happy for me.

MeganKyGirl82

Sadly, this is sounding like something that is way more common than I would have thought. It is such a shame that people see it as a threat to their own self worth, rather than just be happy for us. It's summer now. In the south that means barbecue and picnics. Days spent swimming. Honestly I sort of dread it. Especially the swimming. Last year my friends invited me one time. It was so awkward they didn't ask again, and no my swimsuit wasn't skimpy in any stretch of the imagination. Seriously though, so what if one of us did decide to flaunt a bikini after all of that sweat and work?! It shouldn't be an issue .... in a perfect world it wouldn't be.

yurlennexo

I know right! Her comment really hurt my feelings.

JanetMMcC

I've been lucky, and haven't had to face "fit shaming." I don't know if this would help, but what about mentally translating the comments? As in

THE UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR FOR FIT SHAMING
skinny b!tch = you're thinner than I am and it terrifies me
you're all bones = look at how much fat you've lost!
you're obsessed = you're paying attention to your health (and I'm not)
bag of bones = unpadded figure

Any other suggestions? <g>

Ross - a couple more possible answers to "How much more weight are you going to lose?" might be
As much as my doctor advises.
As much as I'm comfortable with.
As much as I need to.
And you can feel virtuous about not telling her "Oh, about X percent of the weight you should lose."

vdobbo1

My mum always says things like are u doing it for your bloke, why are you doing it or u won't do it cos you've tried and failed before and such but I just ignore her.
I have lost over a stone and I just ignore her negative comments.
Others have said I look good so I listen to them instead.
People see u as u was and change to them is hard to take, debit for u and dont care what they say:)

TheRoseRoss

JanetMMcC wrote: »

Ross - a couple more possible answers to "How much more weight are you going to lose?" might be
As much as my doctor advises.
As much as I'm comfortable with.
As much as I need to.
And you can feel virtuous about not telling her "Oh, about X percent of the weight you should lose."

I'd prefer to kill em with kindness. Sniping back at her isn't worth the animosity that it will create in the environment that we have to share. I work with several people that are overweight, her included, but she's the only one that picks on me. Whatever her reasons, or whatever her issues, they're hers, no mine. If nothing else, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she got a rise out of me/made me defensive. I've seen others elsewhere go through that, and have their justifiable reactions dismissed as "she's just in a bad mood cuz she's starving. She'd be happier if she got off her high horse and ate something other than that rabbit food." The best revenge is living well.

tomatoey

Most people think you have to be totally crazy to actually lose weight, because their own attempts have failed (because society is set up to promote obesity and the diet fads they might have tried don't work).

Losing weight successfully - just them looking at your body - challenges their assumptions. So they'd rather explain the difference away by saying you're vain, eating disordered, neurotic, or if you're a woman, sometimes even worse things.

That way, they can continue to not change anything. They don't want to do the work. Or might not know what's involved in successful weight loss, either way, you're getting the brunt of it.

tomatoey

it's more a reflection of tensions in our society than anything to do with you.

if you're up for it, and if they re open - actually maybe only if they ask, because no one wants advice - you can share your knowledge. but yeah people usually hate that too

shrinkingletters

I'm not very overweight (just a 10-15lbs goal, of which I'm down nearly 9), and made the mistake of explaining why I didn't partake of the offfice cupcakes.


You'd think I told them I want to amputate both of my legs. "YOURE SKINNY YOU DONT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT WHATS WRONG WITH YOU" then of course some commentary about how I'm making them feel bad for being overweight. I was cornered by three coworkers! It was nuts! I might understand if I'm underweight and it were coming from a place of concern, but I'm not. My goal weight is still on the higher end of the bmi for my height/age.

MeganKyGirl82

Not that I'm pleased to see so many other people deal with this, because it's ridiculous, but I have to say this conversation has given me some peace about the situation. More understanding as well. It'll probably always bother me to some degree, but I don't feel as alone or singled out now. Thanks to all of you!

JanetMMcC

@Ross - I didn't think the first three were sniping, just deflective. And I don't think there's anything wrong in thinking a snipe but feeling virtuous for not letting it out.

kerbeya1

Don't know if this was said im not going read through all the comments. So I use to weight 350 pounds at my heaviest and at my lightest I was 286. 306 now with the gain of 20 pounds of muscle. But yes I have at first everyone was supportive. Now say I get rolling of eyes and guilt trips because I commit to a life style and not hobby. To do this you have to be selfish it's the only way and sooner or later your friends will be friends that go to the gym more than they go to the bar or ones that eat out and don't care about health. And when you do you don't feel as selfish and you have a real group of supporters!

MeganKyGirl82

JanetMMcC wrote: »

I've been lucky, and haven't had to face "fit shaming." I don't know if this would help, but what about mentally translating the comments? As in

THE UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR FOR FIT SHAMING
skinny b!tch = you're thinner than I am and it terrifies me
you're all bones = look at how much fat you've lost!
you're obsessed = you're paying attention to your health (and I'm not)
bag of bones = unpadded figure

Any other suggestions? <g>

Ross - a couple more possible answers to "How much more weight are you going to lose?" might be
As much as my doctor advises.
As much as I'm comfortable with.
As much as I need to.
And you can feel virtuous about not telling her "Oh, about X percent of the weight you should lose."

Perfect!

kerbeya1 wrote: »

To do this you have to be selfish it's the only way and sooner or later your friends will be friends that go to the gym more than they go to the bar or ones that eat out and don't care about health.

There is a ton of truth to that statement!