Fat, depressed, and anti-social...

brittaney10811

I cannot escape from feeling depressed about my self image.

regardless of what working out does (or rather doesn't do) for me, telling myself to be more positive, trying to see the glass as half full, etc... I always resort to feeling so unbelieveably uncomfortable in my own skin. I have no qualms about my job, my marriage, my home, etc. But i do feel bad for my husband to be seen with me. I'm embarassed for him. I'm not a thin, attractive person. He's pretty fit, is training for a half marathon, and is going to nursing school. He was a gym manager and enjoys fitness. I have done grueling workouts and put in a lot of true, honest hard work consistently for a very long time. Nothing positive happened. A year and a half later I gave up. I hate myself, what i see in the mirror, the way I feel during intimacy, etc. I loathe myself entirely, and I just feel like I don't deserve my husband. He loves me SO much and wants me to help myself, but as much as i try, I never succeed.

I pull myself away from social situations as much as I can. I know it bothers him, and I often find myself telling him to go ahead without me. I don't feel he deserves to be seen with me, especially when I'm meeting friends of his for the first time. He wants me to be so involved, but I back out all of the time. I know this could end up being a bigger issue as time goes on, but I can't stop my brain and emotions from keeping me away... all because I'm uncomfortable with my body.

I don't know what to do... has anyone else had this issue, and how did you overcome it??

(yes i still work out and stay active, but it's not helping...

larlelar

I don't know how old you are, but at almost 27 years old the only thing that fixed my fixation on my "fatness and ugliness" was actively working on it for a long, long time. I wish I could say I knew exactly when and how it happened, but some time in the last few years I just stopped hating myself after feeling that way for my whole life.

And, I think it's an important part of getting healthier. I've never felt more confident that I'll lose the weight and get fit, only because I know I won't hate myself if I don't. You have to learn to love yourself to make change easy and to make change stick.

I even lost the weight once before and I was "beautiful." It didn't matter though, because even thin I felt fat and ugly and hated myself. Regardless of your weight, you need to find your self worth. Focus on anything at all that you like about yourself. Your eyes, your smile. Your smarts. Your humor. Your hobbies. Your job, your family.

After that, it just takes time. Just try a little, every single day, to find reasons to like yourself. You will find yourself caring more about yourself some day, and in turn caring more for your health and body.

(Sorry if this was long, but you struck a chord with me. )

sherry_80

yes I do but my husband is just skinny, he's pretty much done with my excuses. I see a psychiatrist, he gives me pills for the depression. but i feel like it just keeps me going to do what i need to do on a daily. I've worked out daily. but i don't feel good afterwards. What I'm trying now is to day busy to keep my brain & emotions from thinking. I have a full schedule from the moment i wake up till i come home to bed. I'm always busy. the only downside to that I'm stressed a lot. I'm always trying to figure out what needs to be done first. What has priority.
I have 3 kids, sick mom with kidney disease, a job- (massage therapist). I make myself physically exhausted by keeping me busy. I have noticed that I'm not sleeping well, I have a hard time staying asleep. I used to work overnight shift, i would work over 8 hours not sleepy.
I have not overcome this, I'm just taking it a day at a time.

brittaney10811

I am 26 and will be 27 in September, so larlear and i have that in common. I enjoy my job(s), as I keep myself working a minimum of 60 hours a week. I stay very busy, and in evenings my husband and I will ride our bikes, play tennis, go fishing, etc. We cancelled cable and realized how much time we spent in front of the tv. I love spending time with him one on one, but I withdrawl as soon as I hear that others will be there. I don't make plans to go see friends on my own. Like, ever. When I do, I find myself hoping they'll cancel. Not because I don't like them, I just don't see any reason why they should want to hang out with me.

Finding something I like about myself is difficult. I do like my teeth (thank you braces), although even with whitening treatments I wish they were whiter. I like my hair on good days. That's about it. I feel like the only way I'll feel beautiful is to lose my weight. I have NO problem working out, but I do have a problem working out for as long as I did and not seeing any results. Even with a clean diet. It makes me feel that I'm stuck, and the diet and exercise way of losing weight doesn't work for me. It's cliche and stupid and people say it and no one believes that they've tried... but i HAVE. I'm at a loss...

brenn24179

I don't know what you weigh but I lost respect for myself when I was heavy and be glad you got a good husband because I tend to let others disrespect me also when I don't respect myself. It is a lot of work to lose weight but worth it.

vinerie

I don't know if you have access to this through your health care plan, but if you do, I would talk to somebody (counseling). I went through a pretty depressive phase, and the only thing that got me out of it was my therapist. It was a relief to be open and honest about how I was feeling in a non-judgmental setting. She worked with me to get better mentally. It made a huge difference in my life.

larlelar

If you're really properly sticking to a diet and exercise plan that SHOULD be working for you and it isn't, then you should consider seeing a doctor. Chances are that something is off and you're not doing exactly what you think you are though. Even illnesses/conditions that can cause weight gain/make weight loss more difficult are typically only responsible for an extra 15 or 20lbs (I have no idea how much you need to lose though, either! Could be a lot less than me. )

I know that I was working overtime at a very physically active job for a long time and didn't understand how I couldn't be losing weight. I was just taking in more calories than I realized. I was drinking a lot of mine, for one, and just snacking a lot without realizing it. I'm very strict with logging every sip and bite now!

And yeah, believe me, I know how hard it can be to find something to like about yourself. I should note I was on antidepressants for a few years too. I didn't want them to be a permanent solution but they helped me get in the right mindset anyway. I have been off of them for a year now and I feel great. It's another thing to consider! A therapist is never a bad idea either. They were never my cup of tea, but everyone is different and my husband swears by his.

larlelar

sherry_80 wrote: »

I have 3 kids, sick mom with kidney disease, a job-

Just wanted to say I feel you on the kidney disease thing. I am currently pregnant sub my first child and I had so many surgeries when I was young that I wasn't sure how easy any of this would be for me. I'm lucky that my pregnancy has been easy and affected very little by my kidneys/surgeries, but I feel you. Kidney problems are hard as heck to deal with! Keep your head up and keep working on yourself, lady.

brittaney10811

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

jascakes

I feel the same. I haven't found a way to feel better yet either.

renesharenae

I was depressed, now I say I have depressed moments or days. When you are unhappy and not doing what SELF wants/needs. It makes you sick. I know some people to have meds. But truthfully there isn't a happy pill. Meaning if the root to the problem is being unhappy. Until you go after what you want. You'll be unhappy. Hopefully you will start feeling happy, when you put your energy into YOU, and see improvements. I'm on this journey aswell.

larlelar

It's hard to see the future, but believe me when I say your mindset CAN be changed! It's hard for me to believe that just a few years ago I was working up the courage and a proper plan to take my own life. I hated myself and my life so much that every minute hurt. But you can change, you just gotta take it day by day. I love life now.

And there's no "magic formula" for weight loss! In the end, if you're consuming fewer calories than you burn, you WILL lose weight. It's just science! If you're using MFP regularly then I have a few pieces of advice: For one, even if you're somewhat active, tell MFP that your lifestyle is sedentary. That way, if you have off days or anything, MFP isn't assuming that exercise is happening when it isn't. And any exercise that does happen will just get you to your goal a little faster! Plus, if you're like me and you tend to go "over" a day a week or so it'll make up for that...

Also, don't log your exercises on MFP. I've noticed a lot of the "calories burned" are wildly exaggerated. Plus, we shouldn't look at exercise as just a tool to let us eat more anyway. Haha.

If your health is otherwise good, then just making sure you're consuming fewer calories than you burn WILL make you lose weight. Good luck!

P.S. I've lost about 25lbs so far, but I have another 80 to lose so we're in the same boat there too!

bug1114

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

Is it possible that the depression pills you are on are making it hard for you to lose weight? I know some of them are known for weight gain, and others help with weight loss. I don't know how long you've been on them, but if it's been a while and you aren't feeling better, your dose probably needs to be adjusted or you need to try a different kind (but your doctor should be following up with you and helping you with that). I tried somewhere around 8 -10 different ones over the course of a few years before I found one that works well for me. I would also suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your body image issues.

brittaney10811

bug1114 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

Is it possible that the depression pills you are on are making it hard for you to lose weight? I know some of them are known for weight gain, and others help with weight loss. I don't know how long you've been on them, but if it's been a while and you aren't feeling better, your dose probably needs to be adjusted or you need to try a different kind (but your doctor should be following up with you and helping you with that). I tried somewhere around 8 -10 different ones over the course of a few years before I found one that works well for me. I would also suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your body image issues.

I'm actually not on depression pills, sorry if I gave the wrong impression somewhere. I'm not a fan of medications... not on birth control or anything even. They always tend to make me sick. I can do vitamins and ibuprofin. That's about it.

I will go back to tracking... but it sucks to do so without any excitement.

and larlelar... i've been there too in a way. Never planned anything, but I've envisioned just driving off the side of the road. Scared me to realize how easy it'd be for me to do that. But I do think in many ways my husband would do better with a wife who's more into fitness and can give him a family (yea... docs also think I may have an extremely hard time conceiving, considering I only ovulate a few times a year). He loves me a lot though, and I think right now it'd do more harm than good. I just wonder how long that will last.

slaite1

brittaney10811 wrote: »

bug1114 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

Is it possible that the depression pills you are on are making it hard for you to lose weight? I know some of them are known for weight gain, and others help with weight loss. I don't know how long you've been on them, but if it's been a while and you aren't feeling better, your dose probably needs to be adjusted or you need to try a different kind (but your doctor should be following up with you and helping you with that). I tried somewhere around 8 -10 different ones over the course of a few years before I found one that works well for me. I would also suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your body image issues.

I'm actually not on depression pills, sorry if I gave the wrong impression somewhere. I'm not a fan of medications... not on birth control or anything even. They always tend to make me sick. I can do vitamins and ibuprofin. That's about it.

I will go back to tracking... but it sucks to do so without any excitement.

and larlelar... i've been there too in a way. Never planned anything, but I've envisioned just driving off the side of the road. Scared me to realize how easy it'd be for me to do that. But I do think in many ways my husband would do better with a wife who's more into fitness and can give him a family (yea... docs also think I may have an extremely hard time conceiving, considering I only ovulate a few times a year). He loves me a lot though, and I think right now it'd do more harm than good. I just wonder how long that will last.

Get some professional help. You sound very depressed and like you have some anxiety. Try to remind yourself that all these problems are only your perception. Your husband wants you to go out with him so he's obviously not embarrassed of you. It's probably hard for him to make excuses for you all the time, though. Don't make your insecurities a self fulfilling prophecy.

Is he aware of how you feel? The full extent? I am a very insecure person but it is always a little better once I finally tell my SO. I can hear how ridiculous im being and he is very understanding. At this point he knows to push me to open up and it has been the best thing for our relationship. I still feel I don't deserve him, for many reasons. But i do know he loves me (as you said your husband loves you) and that helps to motivate me to pull out of my bad days and try-bc he deserves so much from me and asks for so little.

You're going through some strife and it sounds like your husband is sticking with you. You both deserve for you to get better. It's hard but you have to take your mental health into your own hands and get out there. Get help. If you need medicine, take it. No shame. And not all of them cause weight gain. Get therapy. And talk to your husband. This is your life-don't let it waste away

Pandapotato

You sound as if you are suffering from depression and therapy is what you need-- not something external to somehow "fix" what's going on inside your head.

highland06

Brittaney, have you told anyone about your suicidal thoughts? It was brave of you to express them here. Please treat your emotional well being as an urgent issue and contact a counselor, therapist or doctor right away. You might want to look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (it is a type of therapy that works on changing your thoughts about yourself and your place in the world). Good Luck.

slaite1

Ps-if you want some support feel free to add me. My diary is open and I am honest about my bingeing, therapy, medication and depression/anxiety. I have months and years where I am exactly like you are-right down to weighing the pros and cons of driving off the road. Their is also a depression group and a binge eating group on here.

brittaney10811

slaite1 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

bug1114 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

Is it possible that the depression pills you are on are making it hard for you to lose weight? I know some of them are known for weight gain, and others help with weight loss. I don't know how long you've been on them, but if it's been a while and you aren't feeling better, your dose probably needs to be adjusted or you need to try a different kind (but your doctor should be following up with you and helping you with that). I tried somewhere around 8 -10 different ones over the course of a few years before I found one that works well for me. I would also suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your body image issues.

I'm actually not on depression pills, sorry if I gave the wrong impression somewhere. I'm not a fan of medications... not on birth control or anything even. They always tend to make me sick. I can do vitamins and ibuprofin. That's about it.

I will go back to tracking... but it sucks to do so without any excitement.

and larlelar... i've been there too in a way. Never planned anything, but I've envisioned just driving off the side of the road. Scared me to realize how easy it'd be for me to do that. But I do think in many ways my husband would do better with a wife who's more into fitness and can give him a family (yea... docs also think I may have an extremely hard time conceiving, considering I only ovulate a few times a year). He loves me a lot though, and I think right now it'd do more harm than good. I just wonder how long that will last.

Get some professional help. You sound very depressed and like you have some anxiety. Try to remind yourself that all these problems are only your perception. Your husband wants you to go out with him so he's obviously not embarrassed of you. It's probably hard for him to make excuses for you all the time, though. Don't make your insecurities a self fulfilling prophecy.

Is he aware of how you feel? The full extent? I am a very insecure person but it is always a little better once I finally tell my SO. I can hear how ridiculous im being and he is very understanding. At this point he knows to push me to open up and it has been the best thing for our relationship. I still feel I don't deserve him, for many reasons. But i do know he loves me (as you said your husband loves you) and that helps to motivate me to pull out of my bad days and try-bc he deserves so much from me and asks for so little.

You're going through some strife and it sounds like your husband is sticking with you. You both deserve for you to get better. It's hard but you have to take your mental health into your own hands and get out there. Get help. If you need medicine, take it. No shame. And not all of them cause weight gain. Get therapy. And talk to your husband. This is your life-don't let it waste away

You and I sound so much like we're on similar tracks. And to clarify, I wouldn't ever genuinely hurt myself, I could never cause that kind of pain to my husband. I do openly tell him how I'm feeling, and he worries about my self-confidence being pratically non existant. I've brought up talking to someone before, but just never did. I think I probably should. Who knows. Days I feel I'm losing weight I am an entirely new person. It's just the majority of the time I know i'm not, and that gets to me.

noclady1995

Hi Brittaney...I don't know you, but I'm worried about you. Your words are disconcerting and you seem to have a higher level of depression and some anxiety, as someone else mentioned. Please, please, talk to a professional. I had post partum depression after both my kids, and the 2nd one was the worst. And I sounded just like you are sounding. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't want to have anything to do with meds or counseling, but I promise you, I don't ever regret taking them. You sound like you have a great husband who only wants you to be happy. And, as another person said, include him. You deserve to be happy and healthy. We're here to cheer you on!

slaite1

brittaney10811 wrote: »

slaite1 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

bug1114 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

Is it possible that the depression pills you are on are making it hard for you to lose weight? I know some of them are known for weight gain, and others help with weight loss. I don't know how long you've been on them, but if it's been a while and you aren't feeling better, your dose probably needs to be adjusted or you need to try a different kind (but your doctor should be following up with you and helping you with that). I tried somewhere around 8 -10 different ones over the course of a few years before I found one that works well for me. I would also suggest seeing a therapist to help you with your body image issues.

I'm actually not on depression pills, sorry if I gave the wrong impression somewhere. I'm not a fan of medications... not on birth control or anything even. They always tend to make me sick. I can do vitamins and ibuprofin. That's about it.

I will go back to tracking... but it sucks to do so without any excitement.

and larlelar... i've been there too in a way. Never planned anything, but I've envisioned just driving off the side of the road. Scared me to realize how easy it'd be for me to do that. But I do think in many ways my husband would do better with a wife who's more into fitness and can give him a family (yea... docs also think I may have an extremely hard time conceiving, considering I only ovulate a few times a year). He loves me a lot though, and I think right now it'd do more harm than good. I just wonder how long that will last.

Get some professional help. You sound very depressed and like you have some anxiety. Try to remind yourself that all these problems are only your perception. Your husband wants you to go out with him so he's obviously not embarrassed of you. It's probably hard for him to make excuses for you all the time, though. Don't make your insecurities a self fulfilling prophecy.

Is he aware of how you feel? The full extent? I am a very insecure person but it is always a little better once I finally tell my SO. I can hear how ridiculous im being and he is very understanding. At this point he knows to push me to open up and it has been the best thing for our relationship. I still feel I don't deserve him, for many reasons. But i do know he loves me (as you said your husband loves you) and that helps to motivate me to pull out of my bad days and try-bc he deserves so much from me and asks for so little.

You're going through some strife and it sounds like your husband is sticking with you. You both deserve for you to get better. It's hard but you have to take your mental health into your own hands and get out there. Get help. If you need medicine, take it. No shame. And not all of them cause weight gain. Get therapy. And talk to your husband. This is your life-don't let it waste away

You and I sound so much like we're on similar tracks. And to clarify, I wouldn't ever genuinely hurt myself, I could never cause that kind of pain to my husband. I do openly tell him how I'm feeling, and he worries about my self-confidence being pratically non existant. I've brought up talking to someone before, but just never did. I think I probably should. Who knows. Days I feel I'm losing weight I am an entirely new person. It's just the majority of the time I know i'm not, and that gets to me.

Yup-when I'm feeling even a little better about myself I tend to have better days. Let me tell you, though, it's not enough. Because once you lose the weight or "fix" whatever you want to fix-youll find something else. I was in bikini competitor shape with a six pack and wearing a size 0- and I was so depressed bc I didn't like my butt and felt like my legs were fat. I felt no better about myself then when I'm overweight. Don't get me wrong-it's important to take care of yourself and it does help. But you need more.

I wish you the best. I'm having a good week and can see clearly for the first time in six months. I've never stuck to medication or therapy and am trying to this time around. Try to make yourself make an appointment-and stick to it. I'm still skeptical of the therapy-but am doing it anyway. Because I'm going to age. I'm going to gain and lose weight. And I want a good life-one that isn't contingent on my dress size.