Fat, depressed, and anti-social...

brittaney10811

bug1114 wrote: »

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thank you, i will look into it. Like I said, I wouldn't ever inflict physical harm on myself. I just truly don't enjoy being in the body I have. If I were able to be successful with my efforts, then I think I'd be in a better place. It's just the constant failure of my efforts that make me think this is how i'll be forever, and that gets to me.

My ex husband was severely depressed (used to have the same thoughts about driving into oncoming traffic) and was always caught up with how he failed at everything. But he used to say the same thing, that he would never hurt himself because his kids needed him and it wouldn't be fair to them. He took his own life three weeks ago.

Please, go see someone about your depression.

I am so sorry for your loss!!! I wish I had words to help ease your pain...


Yes a year and a half is enough time to lose 70# ... but it didn't work for me. Being honest, I was consistent with working out, but not with counting macros. I did measure and weigh most of my food when I was on track. I need to get back to doing that.

Thank you all for your insight. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. Then husband went into ER for severe chest pains. He's ok now, but still... even the tiniest hint at anything causing him pain sends me into a frenzy. It's not fair to him to have such a depressed wife. I need to change.

Kristinemomof3

By your photos, you have a beautiful smile and look like you'd be fun to hang around, we are so much more critical of ourselves than other people are. Your husband enjoys spending time with you and wants you to be around his friends, make that effort, as hard as it might be, it will make your relationship stronger. Also, when it comes to weightloss, ignore the scale and get a tape measure, sometimes we lose the fat, but build muscle. Maybe the scale is not moving because of this. You CAN do this!!

Sorova

Glad your husband is okay. That sounds stressful!

It sounds like you're having trouble with consistency with food logging might be part of why you're not losing the way you want. You say that when you were on track you weighed and measured most of your food. What does "most" mean? How long did you do that for? What kind of calorie deficit were you aiming for? Having "good and bad days" usually means that you're not keeping a calorie deficit overall.

This is a thing that's common for people with self-esteem issues who do emotional eating or eat without paying attention: they follow the plan 80% of the time, don't realize that the way they're eating the rest of the time is canceling out their calorie deficit, and then they don't understand why they're not losing. Tracking everything accurately, including cheat days and treats and little nibbles here and there, for a month or two would be a good start. See how much you're really eating. Then if you're still not losing after keeping a deficit for 2 months, you can take those food logs to a doctor and try to get some answers.

If you're going to try weight loss again, here is a good overview of how to approach it: community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1080242/a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants/p1

This is also a useful read about accurately logging food, which is a hard skill to develop: community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/872212/youre-probably-eating-more-than-you-think/p1

I still think you need to get some help for your depression. Believe me, weight loss won't fix it.

brittaney10811

Sorova wrote: »

Glad your husband is okay. That sounds stressful!

It sounds like you're having trouble with consistency with food logging might be part of why you're not losing the way you want. You say that when you were on track you weighed and measured most of your food. What does "most" mean? How long did you do that for? What kind of calorie deficit were you aiming for? Having "good and bad days" usually means that you're not keeping a calorie deficit overall.

This is a thing that's common for people with self-esteem issues who do emotional eating or eat without paying attention: they follow the plan 80% of the time, don't realize that the way they're eating the rest of the time is canceling out their calorie deficit, and then they don't understand why they're not losing. Tracking everything accurately, including cheat days and treats and little nibbles here and there, for a month or two would be a good start. See how much you're really eating. Then if you're still not losing after keeping a deficit for 2 months, you can take those food logs to a doctor and try to get some answers.

If you're going to try weight loss again, here is a good overview of how to approach it: community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/1080242/a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants/p1

This is also a useful read about accurately logging food, which is a hard skill to develop: community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/872212/youre-probably-eating-more-than-you-think/p1

I still think you need to get some help for your depression. Believe me, weight loss won't fix it.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think the longest I've logged food consistently was for a few weeks. then I would stop and just keep eating what I was logging (keeping my 'menu' the same all the time). Eventaully without the discipline though i would stray. I think that setting a goal, like your 2 month suggestion, could be what I need to do.

sofaking6

brittaney10811 wrote: »

Thank you all for your insight. I have good days and bad days. Yesterday was a bad day. Then husband went into ER for severe chest pains. He's ok now, but still... even the tiniest hint at anything causing him pain sends me into a frenzy. It's not fair to him to have such a depressed wife. I need to change.

You say that like you're depressed on purpose, like it's a personal failing. Do you believe that? Accept that you are not in control of everything and that whatever anger you're aiming at yourself is completely non-productive. You can't punish yourself into feeling better. The right thing to do for your husband and family is to get help before you do hurt yourself, because that would cause him more pain than you can imagine.

PHStevenson

A big thing could be your outlook on the situation. You have got to be okay with who you are as a person, with or without the extra weight. What makes you, you. What made your husband fall in love with you? Think about the personality that you have and the way you treat other people. I "dieted" on and off for a long time. I would stick to it for about a week and then I would give up. Finally I decided that I loved the person I am, with a little extra weight or not. I have 100 lbs to lose. My husband only weighs 135 lbs. I know the feeling of not wanting to meet new friends or go out in public but it is a psychological thing that you have to get over. Once I was comfortable with who I was as a person I started to feel better. I feel AMAZING after I workout. I eat right and I LOVE it. I have successfully been on this "life change" for almost a whole month! and Have lost a little over 15 lbs. But its not the amount of weight that is coming off that matters, that will happen in time, its that, for the first time in my whole life, i feel GOOD about myself

DittoDan

brittaney10811 wrote: »

I cannot escape from feeling depressed about my self image.

regardless of what working out does (or rather doesn't do) for me, telling myself to be more positive, trying to see the glass as half full, etc... I always resort to feeling so unbelieveably uncomfortable in my own skin. I have no qualms about my job, my marriage, my home, etc. But i do feel bad for my husband to be seen with me. I'm embarassed for him. I'm not a thin, attractive person. He's pretty fit, is training for a half marathon, and is going to nursing school. He was a gym manager and enjoys fitness. I have done grueling workouts and put in a lot of true, honest hard work consistently for a very long time. Nothing positive happened. A year and a half later I gave up. I hate myself, what i see in the mirror, the way I feel during intimacy, etc. I loathe myself entirely, and I just feel like I don't deserve my husband. He loves me SO much and wants me to help myself, but as much as i try, I never succeed.

I pull myself away from social situations as much as I can. I know it bothers him, and I often find myself telling him to go ahead without me. I don't feel he deserves to be seen with me, especially when I'm meeting friends of his for the first time. He wants me to be so involved, but I back out all of the time. I know this could end up being a bigger issue as time goes on, but I can't stop my brain and emotions from keeping me away... all because I'm uncomfortable with my body.

I don't know what to do... has anyone else had this issue, and how did you overcome it??

(yes i still work out and stay active, but it's not helping...

Brittaney, I feel your pain, been there done that. Up and down my weight has gone over the last 40 years (I'm 58). Each time I dieted, I lost then gained it all back and 10 to 20% more than when I started. I was so depressed and knew that there was something wrong with me. I studied and Googled and talked to four different doctors. They all had a pill for me, but none of them worked. I tried exercise, Weight watchers, and many other fad diets. Then I had to do something, because I got diabetes, asthma, insulin resistance, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and was getting scared that I would die prematurely with a heart attack. Then after much study, I looked into Bariatric surgery. I was ready willing and able to go have my stomach cut in half to stop the madness.... but wait, there's more...

Read my blog. It's Ketogenic or Bariatric! How I Found the Ketogenic Diet

I hope this helps,

Dan the Man from Michigan
Blog #10 Keto: Abbreviations, Acronyms & Terminology Used on the LCD & Keto Discussion Groups
Blog #13 DittoDan's Milestone's, First's And Good Changes Since Starting the Ketogenic Diet
DittoDan's Keto Blogs
How I got Off of Diabetic Prescriptions Drugs Since I Started Keto
Blog #11 Really Good Keto Websites
Low Carb Discussion Group on MFP
Ketogenic Diet Discussion Group on MFP

DittoDan

One more:

The Letter I Wrote My Doctor (if you're squemish ~ don't read)

I hope this helps,

Dan the Man from Michigan
Fat Head (the History of the Demonization of Saturated Fat)
What If We're Wrong about Diabetes? Peter Attia
First Do No Harm, A video that shows how the Ketogenic diet cures epilepsy. Meryl Streep

woznube7

@brittaney10811,

Thank you for sharing your story! I can relate in so many ways (except for having a supportive s.o. #single). And I too, suffer from "liking myself". I've had the driving into a gaurdrail thought... "would people really care? etc."... it is so draining. And i've been in counseling for a couple months now. Slowly, progress is happening. But I am still very much hung on body image, low self-esteem, etc. Every day I struggle with not overthinking or saying something bad about myself... all day, every day.

Everyone tells me "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes" or "I don't know why you think like that, you are fine" etc. But IT IS SO HARD. I get it, completely.

You have so much support. And you clearly want to get better. Counseling is good. I know when I work out, it also helps me feel better. And so a mix between the two along with uplifting quotes, songs, searching for self-help tips, etc. will also help. Just a few tips that I have been also doing.

It's so assuring for your husband to stick by your side. I do also try to avoid going places and being around friends.. especially the guy that I am into. One, I don't fit in with his crowd, and two, I am afraid they're like "omg.. she is too fat for him"... sound familiar? You are not alone!!

brittaney10811

woznube7 .... exactly!!! I do want to get better, but then i tell myself if i REALLY wanted to... then i Just would!!!... 'so apparently i DON'T want it that bad." yup. that's my conversation with myself. That I'm this miserable and still apparently don't want it bad enough. How is that even possible?!

dubird

So, first off, if you are having suicidal thoughts, talk to your doctor. If it is clinical depression, you may need some kind of medication to allow you to rebalence yourself. If it's not, a therapist or counceler to talk to would be helpful, and your doctor can recommend some for you. Going to do a doctor also means getting a base physical and seeing if you're getting the nutrition you need; that might be an issue too.

Second, just spend a couple of weeks weighing and logging your food. Don't worry about cutting back right now, get a baseline for where you are starting this from. That allows you to see your eating patterns, things you can swap out or cut down on, and helps you start to adjust your eating habits.


I know you mentioned you don't like taking meds. I personally hate it. I hate that I'm dependent on meds to keep me functioning normally. But you know what? It helps. For me, I had no energy, no desire to spend time with people, had anxiety attacks in the middle of crowds, and had basically withdrawn into apathy as a way to try and protect myself. After we got married, HSpoon encouraged me to talk to my doctor and see what's going on. We found out that I was horribly low on vitamins B12 and D, and we started with adjusting that. I also started calorie counting and trying to lose some weight. All of that helped a little, but it still wasn't enough. My doctor added medication to help me with my mental state, and that is what tipped the balance. Here's the thing: it's all connected. Raising my B12 and D back to normal helped with energy levels. Finding a way to restore my mental and emotional balance helps me reconnect with myself and what I need. The two together is what really allowed me to regain control of my eating and even start exercising. That in turn feeds back into my mental state, helping me there. I'll probably never get to the point that I don't need the meds. I still have bad days, anti-social days, and heavy crowds will still trigger claustrophobia (though it does take longer for that now). Clinical depression is a problem with brain chemistry, and that's not always correctable with diet and exercise. You should try those first, but do so with your doctor. Everyone is different, and you can't go by what everyone else says is happening; you need to get a medical opinion.

kar328

Hi, I'm 51 and have always been obese/heavy/fat, whatever you want to call it.

First, let me emphasize what others have said about looking into some counseling. Having that support can be so helpful and I think once the brain starts getting some attention, the body will follow. I walk/run outside a lot and find it mentally beneficial as well as physical. Just me, the ipod and the wildlife. Coworkers have remarked that I seem much happier lately and I think that's a huge part of it - it's certainly not me becoming fond of them.

Also let me emphasize using the advice of all the other posters, everyone's been helpful, check out the links above too, they're great ones.

These are some things that have happened to me on here and on this journey, hopefully you may find some of it helpful. I've been logging on here for 888 days now. Consistency in that is nothing but helpful to me, whether i simply check the same boxes off and eat the same meals or experiment and try new foods. It doesn't take long, I throw foods on the scale without even thinking about it. I've made "friends" who are nothing but supportive, I don't know them in real life, probably never will, but they are priceless. I keep my real life people out of this, this is my place to be honest, to be me and not worry about being judged.

As of yesterday I'm down 92 lbs - I was morbidly obese. I have 20 more to get to a "normal" BMI which is my first goal and possibly another 12 after that. As I've gone down and it's been slow, complete with plateaus that last months, one thing finally happened for the first time in my life. I like myself. I can look in the mirror and not cringe. I even get mildly annoyed in some gym classes when the instructor walks around and blocks the mirror There are more pics of me these past 888 days than probably the last ten years. The fat woman is still there and probably will be forever, but I like her now. But all this, even when the danged scale goes the wrong way, is worth it. If I don't lose another pounds, I'm happy with this. The little changes are where to start, you don't have to drop all 80 pounds this year. Sounds like you've got a great hubby who loves you no matter what and I hope you know how luck you are.

You don't have to be perfect here, or right away. Little changes add up to lifelong habits. This week I've started putting snacks into snack bags in the correct portions per the packages and actually only grabbing a bag at a time. Portion control is a big problem for me. And it's a work in progress.

Start small and don't give up. And kudos for opening up here. That's your first step.

sperkins68

Everything you said reminds me of myself. I have social anixiety. I can't stand going to public events or anything I feel like everyone is judgeing me and I always feel people are wondering why he is with me as he is fit and really attractive. I sometimes wonder if I was fat when he met me if we would be together. I went to my dr to seek out help I talked to my husband about wverything and it lifted a huge burden off my shoulder. I still have social anixiety but I am comfortable with my husband once again in an intimate way and find that things have spiced up since as I'm not as uncomfortable with my body around him anywys I still am uncomfortable in public though. I really think you should seek help. The fact that you posted about it on here is a good sign because to sya it out loud is hard. I think you should talk to a professionsl and talk to your husband as well. Good luck

senecarr

brittaney10811 wrote: »

thanks for the input. I have thought about counceiling, but never went through with it for one reason or other. i think i doubt that my mindset can be changed, i don't know. i have 80lbs to lose, so it's a lot.

i have seen docs about hormones being out of whack, checking my thyroid, etc... so far everything always comes back normal. i just haven't figured out that perfect formula that works for me to lose weight. I just keep on gaining...

If you think counseling won't work, it probably won't, it is something that you get out what you put in.
That said, I do recommend, get some counseling. If you get a recommendation for medication, take it. I know you said you don't like to take medication beyond ibuprofen, but the truth is, depressive pain, discomfort, feelings of coldness are all just as real in your brain as those caused by physical things.
I've enjoyed watching Robert Sapolosky's lecture on depression - he's a Stanford professor who deals a lot with biology and neurology. His lecture on depression actually argues that depression may be one of the worst human conditions possible because it involves the loss of the ability to feel pleasure. Even people dying of cancer can have hope - they can even contemplatively say they're grateful because it made them focus on things in their life. Depression takes away that ability from a person.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

jenmovies

LAMCDylan wrote: »

I just want to say too that life is not perfect and doesn't need to be. You can live a happy and meaningful life while not having everything perfect. You gotta learn to accept some things about yourself. Also, no one is going to make you fee good about yourself other than you. You have to define your worth and value as a person.

I agree with this! When you are ready to love yourself as you are now, it will be a lot easier to lose the weight. Do it from the inside, lean on this community and make sure you log all your food. Abs are made in the kitchen and all that. Please keep us updated!

woznube7

jenmovies wrote: »

LAMCDylan wrote: »

I just want to say too that life is not perfect and doesn't need to be. You can live a happy and meaningful life while not having everything perfect. You gotta learn to accept some things about yourself. Also, no one is going to make you fee good about yourself other than you. You have to define your worth and value as a person.

I agree with this! When you are ready to love yourself as you are now, it will be a lot easier to lose the weight. Do it from the inside, lean on this community and make sure you log all your food. Abs are made in the kitchen and all that. Please keep us updated!

This! I am struggling with liking myself and loving myself. And I have done this for a long time... and being almost 27, I want to enjoy life, again.

@brittaney10811 -- that's what I tell myself all the time too! Oh, so glad that we're on the same brain waves! It's so nice.. just knowing other people know exactly what is going on.

I've lost 4.1lbs.. this week. And i'm five days strong of no fast food/out to eat meals. The guy I like.. well, i'm just letting him be. And just trying to keep learning how to like myself && enjoy my own company. After all, how can I make him like me the way I want to, if I can't like me the way I want him too.. right? My mental state is a lot harder to work with, than my physical state.. and I know that's where you're stalling too!

brittaney10811

talking to all of you definitely helps... knowing i'm not alone!!

the best i've felt has been doing 80% paleo.... but i didn't lose weight on it, so it didn't stick. So what do i do now... go back to eating how i felt best, but then try and love myself with the weight? I can promise that won't happen... so what do i do???

senecarr

brittaney10811 wrote: »

talking to all of you definitely helps... knowing i'm not alone!!

the best i've felt has been doing 80% paleo.... but i didn't lose weight on it, so it didn't stick. So what do i do now... go back to eating how i felt best, but then try and love myself with the weight? I can promise that won't happen... so what do i do???

For losing weigh, only a calorie deficit will cause it.
The thing is though, chances are you're never going to have the willpower until you work to alleviate some of the other issues first.
Right now you seem to have depression and possibly social anxiety disorder. Every social interaction is probably draining your will power and taking your time and planning. Getting treated for that will free up a lot of those mental resources towards achieving weight loss.

brittaney10811

tracked my food yesterday... way above my calorie limit, and that wasn't even that bad of a day for me! good wake up call...

planned better today and it's looking more on track. feeling better.

classicalbk

Yay, Brittaney! You've got this! I have found that myfitnesspal is the single most important ingredient in my ability to lose weight finally because I discovered that I was eating too much even though the food was "healthy." I also use the MFP reports to see how I'm doing in various nutrient categories. Be sure to see if your iron is good in the reports. I have to eat 4 oz of grass fed beef to get it to the minimum level. Iron is one of those important nutrients that can cause depression/exhaustion if it is low. There are a number of other nutrient deficiencies that can influence depression if they are low - Vit D, B-12, Omega 3, etc. So you may want to check those out as well with blood tests if necessary. Keep at it!!

brittaney10811

Thanks for the info! I do know I'm Vitamin D deficcient, so I take a daily supplement for that.

leannems

Oh I feel you. Like really, really FEEL you. All the feels.

I have a thin husband. I'm fat. I work out really hard and try to eat well. I lose weight slowly (super slowly), and I've been depressed before (but am not currently). I can only talk from my experience - yours will be different - but at least you might be able to relate on some of this.

Depression - it's always there. True depression is something you carry with you. So the goal is how to manage it. If you're not seeing a doc on this - think about going to one. There should be no stigma - sometimes you need help, and the hardest part is just asking.

Hating yourself - I still have these days. Bad body days. Bad mental days. They don't disappear either, but you can try to make them less frequent. The body positive movement has been extremely helpful. I started following blogs to help me realize that my body is what it is - if I choose to improve it, that's my decision, but I can be happy with it, and love myself right now. Check out this blog and this blog as places to start.

On losing weight - Damn am I trying to lose weight - but for different reasons now. It's not because I hate myself, it's because I love myself, and I'm not healthy (according to my doc, not by society's standards). So I focus on things other than the scale. How heavy I can lift, how strong I'm getting, how many inches am I losing? It's less about wanting to lose to be skinny and therefore pretty, and more about wanting to lose to lower my blood sugar, wanting to lift more because I LOVE my shoulder muscles, and losing inches because I worked damn hard.

On feeling pretty - at your current weight - when your husband is skinny. I realized that hating myself now doesn't help - just led to less working out and more binge eating. So I decided to try to look good now - and it's awesome. So what if I'm fat? I can still look good. More bloggers that helped me realize this: blog, blog, blog. So whenever I'm worried about being in a social situation with my fit husband, I make sure my outfit and makeup game are on point. When I look that fabulous, there's not need to be embarrassed for him - I'm the best dressed gal at the party, and he's super proud to be there with me.

You have to try to start changing the conversation in your head. You've been telling yourself all this bad stuff for years, and society has heaped it on to. Your battle will never end, but neither will eating better and working out, so it's all part of the same goal - healthy lifestyle, both in body and mind.

mbaker566

1) see a doctor now and get treated for your depression. you need help.
2) depression leads to stress and stress has been shown to make losing weight more difficult. even create gain. I think it was something with cortisol
3) you need to love you first and foremost and that's hard to do with depression
4) medication is not always needed with depression and not all depression medications are right for all people, but therapy can give you help and a support system
5) don't beat yourself up.
6) track your food, track your exercise. weigh your food too
7) look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you love you. even if it makes you cry. do it every day. and one day you will mean it.

scottiesgirl1

Oh my dear friend, I don't know of anyone who has not looked in the mirror at some point in their life and felt the way you are feeling. I certainly have! What has worked for me when I feel like that is to try and focus on the one who created me. Your husband obviously loves you and how much more love do you think the one who created you has for you. We are the hardest on ourselves and our battle is from within. When we realize who we really are the focus is off of our outside and changes to who we are on the inside. We just need to change our "stinkin' thinking" so to speak. Know that you are special , not only to your spouse but to the one who created you and the weight will start to come off.
It's not easy , but it will happen!

Psalm 139:13-14 ESV
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

brittaney10811

leannems wrote: »

Oh I feel you. Like really, really FEEL you. All the feels.

I have a thin husband. I'm fat. I work out really hard and try to eat well. I lose weight slowly (super slowly), and I've been depressed before (but am not currently). I can only talk from my experience - yours will be different - but at least you might be able to relate on some of this.

Depression - it's always there. True depression is something you carry with you. So the goal is how to manage it. If you're not seeing a doc on this - think about going to one. There should be no stigma - sometimes you need help, and the hardest part is just asking.

Hating yourself - I still have these days. Bad body days. Bad mental days. They don't disappear either, but you can try to make them less frequent. The body positive movement has been extremely helpful. I started following blogs to help me realize that my body is what it is - if I choose to improve it, that's my decision, but I can be happy with it, and love myself right now. Check out this blog and this blog as places to start.

On losing weight - Damn am I trying to lose weight - but for different reasons now. It's not because I hate myself, it's because I love myself, and I'm not healthy (according to my doc, not by society's standards). So I focus on things other than the scale. How heavy I can lift, how strong I'm getting, how many inches am I losing? It's less about wanting to lose to be skinny and therefore pretty, and more about wanting to lose to lower my blood sugar, wanting to lift more because I LOVE my shoulder muscles, and losing inches because I worked damn hard.

On feeling pretty - at your current weight - when your husband is skinny. I realized that hating myself now doesn't help - just led to less working out and more binge eating. So I decided to try to look good now - and it's awesome. So what if I'm fat? I can still look good. More bloggers that helped me realize this: blog, blog, blog. So whenever I'm worried about being in a social situation with my fit husband, I make sure my outfit and makeup game are on point. When I look that fabulous, there's not need to be embarrassed for him - I'm the best dressed gal at the party, and he's super proud to be there with me.

You have to try to start changing the conversation in your head. You've been telling yourself all this bad stuff for years, and society has heaped it on to. Your battle will never end, but neither will eating better and working out, so it's all part of the same goal - healthy lifestyle, both in body and mind.

so very helpful, especially the last couple parts, thanks so much. Once again, its amazing knowing i'm not alone.

brittaney10811

scottiesgirl1 wrote: »

Oh my dear friend, I don't know of anyone who has not looked in the mirror at some point in their life and felt the way you are feeling. I certainly have! What has worked for me when I feel like that is to try and focus on the one who created me. Your husband obviously loves you and how much more love do you think the one who created you has for you. We are the hardest on ourselves and our battle is from within. When we realize who we really are the focus is off of our outside and changes to who we are on the inside. We just need to change our "stinkin' thinking" so to speak. Know that you are special , not only to your spouse but to the one who created you and the weight will start to come off.
It's not easy , but it will happen!

Psalm 139:13-14 ESV
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

You're absolutely right!! Thank you for those words.