Husband isn't motivated
theawill519
Posts: 242 Member
My husband and I started our weight loss journey together, but he quickly fell off the wagon and doesn't seem to want to get back on. We joined the Y together and I go every afternoon, but for 2 weeks he has "passed" every time I've asked him to go with me. I make both of our lunches every morning, but he's "accidentally" leaving them at home more and more. I'm also seeing junk food wrappers and soda bottles in his truck when I ride with him.
I know you can't FORCE someone into being motivated, but is there anything I can do to help him WANT to get back on track? I'm fine going it alone, but we made a promise to each other to get healthy and stay healthy together and it would be really nice to have him by my side through this. TIA
I know you can't FORCE someone into being motivated, but is there anything I can do to help him WANT to get back on track? I'm fine going it alone, but we made a promise to each other to get healthy and stay healthy together and it would be really nice to have him by my side through this. TIA
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Replies
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I started before my dh. He joined in after a big health scare.
Hope it doesn't take that for him to join you but there's nothing to be done until he's ready except lead by example.0 -
Just keep going. I find my husband gets motivated when he sees the effort is paying off for me. Just make it easy for him to rejoin you. JMO
Good luck!0 -
He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.0
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Nope. At least if I knew I'd be using it. Sorry
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No clue. My husband isn't into working out at all. He is super supportive of my efforts tho.0
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nope, it's his own decision
he may get motivated if he sees changes in you but that is definitely not a certainty0 -
mine goes in spurts...eh I don't bother nagging him about it...and yes that is the way he see's it..
I asked if he wants to go for a walk...bike ride etc.
If he says yes great...no..whatever...0 -
You can't thrust motivation upon someone. He wants to or he doesn't. When he wants to, he will join you.
You keep it up, though! Good for you, not stopping because he does.
Who knows? Maybe he will see your success and decide that he wants to succeed, too! But don't count on it.
Keep up the good work!
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Leave him to it and focus on your own journey.0
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If I knew then my other half wouldn't be as large as he is. Just keep up the good work and enjoy the progress that you make, maybe he will be motivated eventually.0
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I was in the opposite situation as you for a little while. I had gained after a move and it took a little while to get my head back in the game. My boyfriend was trying to get me up and running again.
I can tell you that his own success is what eventually inspired me to get going again. His constant attempts to verbally prod me into it didn't do anything at all, however. In fact, our only major fight to date has been about me losing weight.
So, if he's just not in the right mind, I'd communicate your concerns once and then move on. Be your own success and keep updating him about it. He might see your success as an inspiration, too.0 -
I don't have a husband. Maybe he needs a new wagon.-1
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DeguelloTex wrote: »He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.
Why was this flagged? ^ This is some sound truth.Leave him to it and focus on your own journey.
^Also, This!
Lead by example, focus on yourself. When he sees your success and gets fed-up with himself he will motivate himself and get it done. That's all you can do. You don't want it to turn into a situation where he feels forced or you're unhappy with the way he is. He has to do it for himself, just like you are committed and doing it for yourself. Good luck!0 -
You cannot motivate someone else, they have to want it enough themselves. It doesn't sound like you've been nagging him about it and that's good because for most people it just makes them more resistant. I bet you dollars-to-donuts that he's feeling guilty about it, because he knows he made a promise, but he just isn't motivated enough to make it happen. Nagging will just make it worse.
Maybe what you need to think about (or sit him down and ask him about) is why he isn't interested. Did he find the plan you're following too restrictive? Was he not allowed to eat the things he likes even if he stayed within his calorie goal? (Eating less calories while still eating "junk food" is better than eating too much of everything if the main goal is to lose weight.) Some people really do better when starting slowly rather than jumping in and eating only healthy food and working out an hour each day. He might be one.
Perhaps a talk is in order to find out if there's a compromise he'd be happy with. Exercise isn't needed to lose weight. Perhaps he can just eat enough to lose 1 pound per week and you could drop his gym membership? Or he'll eat what he wants but he'll exercise to create a calorie deficit? Only he knows what he finds acceptable and until he's ready to make any sort of commitment he won't make it (you've already seen that he's "sneaking" junk food so you know he will if he wants it).0 -
when he is ready, he will do it.
trying to make him will only lead to major issues.
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You need to have an honest conversation with him, and ask him how much communication he wants on the topic - then respect that.0
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no suggestions.
my husband is same and he is actually obese and im in good shape but still want to do it for my health.
I cook food for both of us and he nags that I m worst cook and he cant eat it and well he make himself something unhealthy or order.
worst when he looks at me suddenly and feels I m getting thin everyday. he get jealous and again nags that he is too busy to work out...um what
so at least you are in better place then me0 -
DeguelloTex wrote: »He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.
Very true. And I really never give him flack about not going to the gym or not eating healthy. I just feel in some ways I'm abandoning him. I know if I were to fall off the wagon, I would want him to encourage me to get back on track, but I don't know how to do it without "nagging" him.0 -
Just keep being supportive is all you can do. My bf recently started lifting to get in better shape and complains consistently about his weight, which makes me feel terrible. I tell him over and over he has to change his eating habits or he won't get results, period. He will go through spurts of healthy eating which are, in my opinion, too restrictive and then can't keep up with it. Which leads back to the issue- you can't force someone else's habits. I just try to offer guidance and help when asked for, and model good behavior. I like to think if and when he is ready, he will join me.0
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Because someone likes to flag my posts. Such is life.Jackie0Marie wrote: »DeguelloTex wrote: »He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.
Why was this flagged? ^ This is some sound truth.
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just do your thing and possibly seeing you doing it will motivate him more
if not well you can't force him and you cant focus on him just focus on yourself
he will do it if and when he wants too0 -
Yeah, you can't force someone. He will have to decide to do it or not.
I would talk to him about how you don't have to have the same approach to food or health. I would discuss that if he wants to lose weight he can do it eating foods he likes in appropriate portion sizes that fit his calorie goal... even "junk" food and soda. Don't label food as bad. Healthy means different things to different people. However, you don't want to waste your time, money, etc making food he isn't going to eat so he should be honest and tell you what he wants. Tell him MFP is a great tool no matter what he eats.
The gym isn't for everyone and isn't the only way to be active. If your dh still wants to exercise maybe he'd prefer to do something else on his own. If he doesn't want to exercise then so be it.
Don't bring up promises. After this conversation, drop the subject. Do your own thing. Find a different diet/exercise buddy if you need one.0 -
I would just keep pressing on. My wife refuses to get fit and complains about being out of shape but I just keep doing my thing. There's no guarantee he will go again, but maybe seeing you progress will motivate him, or not, but fitness like any major life change has to be done for ourselves and nobody else. Keep plugging along0
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The only person you can "control" is you. You can not amp up his motivation. He's telling you quite clearly where he is on the subject by forgetting his lunch and "sneaking" snacks & sodas in his truck. He's not into it. Keep being healthy yourself and be ready to celebrate whatever steps he does decide to take toward healthful living....when/if it happens.0
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DeguelloTex wrote: »He'll do it or he won't. It's very possible that any encouragement will be seen as nagging.
This! (Can't imagine why someone flagged this.) When it comes to weight loss, exercise, even personal grooming habits - we have to make our own choices in our own time. Keep up your good work - chances are he'll join you in the future.0 -
You can't give him the long term desire to do it, and you shouldn't try to force him. If he wants to do it, there may be some days when your encouragement is essential to him succeeding, but if he doesn't want to do it, it will almost always feel like nagging.
That said....
When two people make an agreement to do something together, and one of them doesn't keep up their end of the bargain, it can quickly lead to resentment. You made an agreement to do this together, that he is clearly not keeping, but not renegotiating the agreement either. It is definitely not acceptable for him to let you make him a healthy lunch every day if he has no intention of eating it, and he should really be talking to you if he is struggling to stick to your new lifestyle.
My suggestion would be to speak to him about your concerns, namely that you agreed to do this together but you don't feel he has been as motivated as you lately. Try to find out what the issue is - is he struggling to stick to a very restrictive diet, was he doing it just to make you happy without a desire to actually do it for himself, is now just not the right time for him to be making big changes? Does he want you to help encourage him, rethink the diet or exercise programme with him so that he is better able to manage it?
Make it clear that it's his choice, but you'd like to know where you stand in terms of whether you should be helping him get motivated or leave him to it, and even if he decides he's not up for it himself, you would still appreciate support and encouragement for yourself.0 -
You cannot motivate someone else, they have to want it enough themselves. It doesn't sound like you've been nagging him about it and that's good because for most people it just makes them more resistant. I bet you dollars-to-donuts that he's feeling guilty about it, because he knows he made a promise, but he just isn't motivated enough to make it happen. Nagging will just make it worse.
Maybe what you need to think about (or sit him down and ask him about) is why he isn't interested. Did he find the plan you're following too restrictive? Was he not allowed to eat the things he likes even if he stayed within his calorie goal? (Eating less calories while still eating "junk food" is better than eating too much of everything if the main goal is to lose weight.) Some people really do better when starting slowly rather than jumping in and eating only healthy food and working out an hour each day. He might be one.
Perhaps a talk is in order to find out if there's a compromise he'd be happy with. Exercise isn't needed to lose weight. Perhaps he can just eat enough to lose 1 pound per week and you could drop his gym membership? Or he'll eat what he wants but he'll exercise to create a calorie deficit? Only he knows what he finds acceptable and until he's ready to make any sort of commitment he won't make it (you've already seen that he's "sneaking" junk food so you know he will if he wants it).
This!
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My husband and I started our weight loss journey together, but he quickly fell off the wagon and doesn't seem to want to get back on. We joined the Y together and I go every afternoon, but for 2 weeks he has "passed" every time I've asked him to go with me. I make both of our lunches every morning, but he's "accidentally" leaving them at home more and more. I'm also seeing junk food wrappers and soda bottles in his truck when I ride with him.
I know you can't FORCE someone into being motivated, but is there anything I can do to help him WANT to get back on track? I'm fine going it alone, but we made a promise to each other to get healthy and stay healthy together and it would be really nice to have him by my side through this. TIA
What is your motivation? Is it just to lose weight?
You two need to find a mutual motivator - some larger goal that requires a level of fitness.
He may simply not be interested. Don't push as it will likely be perceived as nagging and will make things worse. Let him make his own decision.0
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