Husband isn't motivated
Replies
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Kind of in the same boat here. While DH has certainly made an attempt to eat less, the rest is on me to get his butt up and moving. I admit I haven't been walking in the mornings, myself. I am just supposed to be all the motivation, for the both of us. And not just in exercise, either. He doesn't want to be 370lbs, but he also hates change. We both want to get it in gear for our son, and to have another child. I have lost almost 75lbs, he has lost maybe 30 in this year. It frustrates me because this isn't a team effort, I am expect to be the cheerleader and motivator for both of us. And frankly, it's hard and it sucks that he won't put in as much effort as asking if I want to walk, for a change, instead of me asking.
I really want to have another talk with him, and see if there is anything - a goal, an event, anything - to get him more into losing the weight and moving more.0 -
ogmomma2012 wrote: »Kind of in the same boat here. While DH has certainly made an attempt to eat less, the rest is on me to get his butt up and moving. I admit I haven't been walking in the mornings, myself. I am just supposed to be all the motivation, for the both of us. And not just in exercise, either. He doesn't want to be 370lbs, but he also hates change. We both want to get it in gear for our son, and to have another child. I have lost almost 75lbs, he has lost maybe 30 in this year. It frustrates me because this isn't a team effort, I am expect to be the cheerleader and motivator for both of us. And frankly, it's hard and it sucks that he won't put in as much effort as asking if I want to walk, for a change, instead of me asking.
I really want to have another talk with him, and see if there is anything - a goal, an event, anything - to get him more into losing the weight and moving more.
30 lbs in six to seven months is not that bad. He's doing something. Could be maintaining or even gaining but he's accomplished something positive I think0 -
ogmomma2012 wrote: »he has lost maybe 30 in this year
I realize that your husband's weight carries long term dangers, and I get your frustration with wanting another child. I wanted to say that first.
I would also like to say that for him to lose 30 pounds deserves some recognition. He's averaging nearly a pound per week if the two of you started at the beginning of this year. Slow for his size but healthy. Just that alone has taken so much stress off of his knees and a bit of stress off of the rest of his body as well.
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afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »ogmomma2012 wrote: »he has lost maybe 30 in this year
I realize that your husband's weight carries long term dangers, and I get your frustration with wanting another child. I wanted to say that first.
I would also like to say that for him to lose 30 pounds deserves some recognition. He's averaging nearly a pound per week if the two of you started at the beginning of this year. Slow for his size but healthy. Just that alone has taken so much stress off of his knees and a bit of stress off of the rest of his body as well.
No, a year total starting last year in July. -.-0 -
ogmomma2012 wrote: »Kind of in the same boat here. While DH has certainly made an attempt to eat less, the rest is on me to get his butt up and moving. I admit I haven't been walking in the mornings, myself. I am just supposed to be all the motivation, for the both of us. And not just in exercise, either. He doesn't want to be 370lbs, but he also hates change. We both want to get it in gear for our son, and to have another child. I have lost almost 75lbs, he has lost maybe 30 in this year. It frustrates me because this isn't a team effort, I am expect to be the cheerleader and motivator for both of us. And frankly, it's hard and it sucks that he won't put in as much effort as asking if I want to walk, for a change, instead of me asking.
I really want to have another talk with him, and see if there is anything - a goal, an event, anything - to get him more into losing the weight and moving more.
30 lbs in six to seven months is not that bad. He's doing something. Could be maintaining or even gaining but he's accomplished something positive I think
Sure, it's something. He's not eating until it hurts all the time. We put away the deep fryer. He knows the kind of portions I eat. It's 30lbs in about 12 months. I guess I worded it weird.0 -
I wanted to give you guys an update, especially for those who said they were in the same boat with their partner...
I sat down with my husband last night and had a very postive, productive conversation about why he's lost motivation. I told him up front that there would be absolutely no judgement and no matter what he said or decided to, I would support him fully.
Then I started with an easy question- "would you like me to alter or stop making your lunches?" He said that he knew what he was eating was healthy and he WANTS to eat healthy, but it leaves him feeling hungry and he hates feeling hungry. At this point, I was like, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! LOL. So we made him a new lunch plan- more foods that have fewer calories and more healthy snacks. Also he said he'd like more variety, which I definitely was not giving him because I, personally, don't care about variety. I could eat the same thing everyday and never get tired of it- it's just fuel to me at this point.
Next, I asked him if he'd like for me to stop asking him to go to the gym with me. He said the reason he'd not been to the gym in a while is that he feels awkward at the gym working out by himself. Now, this really shocked me. My husband is ANYTHING BUT shy. He's the most outgoing, 'type A' person I know. So I figured he'd get to the Y on day one, make a bazillion friends/workout bros and kill it. That, however, was not the case. He said he felt like he was too out of shape to workout with the guys that were there on a regular basis and that, unbeknownst to me, he had messaged a few of his friends and was actively trying to find a workout partner... AGAIN, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! Lol.
So, in conclusion, the conversation was a great idea. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but I wanted to share because it worked for us! We were able to openly communicate about the issue and now I know exactly where he's at. He hasn't given up, he's just hit a few bumps along the way. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and good luck to those who are dealing with the same issue!0 -
Again, are you married?
Please stop being negative. You don't really have a right to weigh in on my marriage. You don't know me or my husband. If you did, you'd know that we've been together for 11 years and married for 4. We started out as best friends and remain best friends to this day. We don't really have any secrets- that's why it was "LOL" to me. He said that he didn't want me to think he didn't appreciate my efforts and he also didn't want to admit he felt awkward and gross at the gym.
Also, it sounds like you don't need the advice given on this thread, nor have you given any good advice, so why are you here?0 -
I wanted to give you guys an update, especially for those who said they were in the same boat with their partner...
I sat down with my husband last night and had a very postive, productive conversation about why he's lost motivation. I told him up front that there would be absolutely no judgement and no matter what he said or decided to, I would support him fully.
Then I started with an easy question- "would you like me to alter or stop making your lunches?" He said that he knew what he was eating was healthy and he WANTS to eat healthy, but it leaves him feeling hungry and he hates feeling hungry. At this point, I was like, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! LOL. So we made him a new lunch plan- more foods that have fewer calories and more healthy snacks. Also he said he'd like more variety, which I definitely was not giving him because I, personally, don't care about variety. I could eat the same thing everyday and never get tired of it- it's just fuel to me at this point.
Next, I asked him if he'd like for me to stop asking him to go to the gym with me. He said the reason he'd not been to the gym in a while is that he feels awkward at the gym working out by himself. Now, this really shocked me. My husband is ANYTHING BUT shy. He's the most outgoing, 'type A' person I know. So I figured he'd get to the Y on day one, make a bazillion friends/workout bros and kill it. That, however, was not the case. He said he felt like he was too out of shape to workout with the guys that were there on a regular basis and that, unbeknownst to me, he had messaged a few of his friends and was actively trying to find a workout partner... AGAIN, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! Lol.
So, in conclusion, the conversation was a great idea. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but I wanted to share because it worked for us! We were able to openly communicate about the issue and now I know exactly where he's at. He hasn't given up, he's just hit a few bumps along the way. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and good luck to those who are dealing with the same issue!
Simply outstanding!
I can only speak for myself, but as someone who was always used to being in peak physical condition, walking back into the gym being 70lbs overweight was one of the toughest things for me.0 -
My husband and I are both on the weight loss journey but I would definitely say I am putting in a lot more effort than he is. Rather than nag him, I just encourage him when he does the make good choices (healthy lunch, gym after work, no late night snacking). I also compliment him when he looks like he's lost weight or he's been able to adjust his belt. I also do things like pack his snacks for work, fill his water bottle and put it in his backpack, and make him a protein and greens shake in the morning, when I am making mine. I am losing at a faster rate than he is and when he says something (always positive), I just remind him that he could do the same if he just monitored his eating a little better.
Recently, I made him a chiropractor appointment because he's constantly complaining about his back hurting after weight lifting. It helps that I already have an established go-to person when that happens. So I guess you could say I am pulling him along with me, at a rate that is comfortable for him.
Keep up the good work on yourself and maybe your husband will eventually join you. But if not, you are still making some great choices for yourself.
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Sounds like a good talk!
Have you considered buying workout videos to do at home? P90 might be a good thing to try. Tony Horton (?) is a guy's guy, and it's pretty satisfying to lift weights at home "with" him. I don't like gyms either so the videos were great for me.
Also, do you think he would consider a low carb high fat diet? I ask because I found it hard to feel full on carbs, and even kept eating when I was full... I guess I should say I wasn't often satisfied by low carb meals. When I switched to LCHF, I found I was happier snacking on protein and fat foods (meat, nuts, eggs, cheese, avocados, fish) than veggies. I was more satisfied. I found it MUCH easier to eat at a caloric deficit when I eat LCHF (and am in ketosis). I'll forget to eat for 4 or 5 hours now.
As a bonus, my blood glucose levels have dropped a bunch
Anyway, if he is interested in LCHF eating as a way of life, try googling it. It might fit. If not, I hope your new plan works well for him. 0 -
I'm not being negative, I'm being real. You're hearing what you want to hear, when in reality he's running for cover because he's feeling nagged.
Here's a little secret about guys - when we want to do something, we do it. If you doubt this, go search YouTube for "hold my beer and watch this". If we don't do it, it's because we're really not into it.
And he's really not into this...
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and if this all ends up on a counsellor's couch in a couple of years, remember this conversation!
:drinker:
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I'm not being negative, I'm being real. You're hearing what you want to hear, when in reality he's running for cover because he's feeling nagged.
Here's a little secret about guys - when we want to do something, we do it. If you doubt this, go search YouTube for "hold my beer and watch this". If we don't do it, it's because we're really not into it.
And he's really not into this...
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and if this all ends up on a counsellor's couch in a couple of years, remember this conversation!
:drinker:
IT WAS HIS IDEA.
For the third time, are you married?
And if you're not going to answer my question, stop trolling my post.
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You kind of have to. You cannot tell a grown man what he can and cannot eat. You cannot force him to exercise.
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
Some people know the health risks and chose to eat poorly, be fat or smoke anyway. It's their choice and you have to respect that.
You cannot force someone to change because you've decided that it's a good idea.
It might even work against you. If you push, they may dig in their heels.
People change when they want to change. Not before.
Pardon me for saying it, but you *CAN* give ultimatums. If something is important enough to a person that they would not want to remain in a relationship with their partner if the partner's behavior doesn't change, then it is fair to insist on change . . . or else. But then you'd have to be prepared to follow through.
It seems to me that having a healthy lifestyle before having kids is a pretty big commitment, and I'd be disappointed if my spouse didn't follow through on a promise like that.0 -
afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »EmmaFitzwilliam wrote: »You need to have an honest conversation with him, and ask him how much communication he wants on the topic - then respect that.
I think this is the best advice in the thread.
Yes, this is solid advice.
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demoiselle2014 wrote: »afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »EmmaFitzwilliam wrote: »You need to have an honest conversation with him, and ask him how much communication he wants on the topic - then respect that.
I think this is the best advice in the thread.
Yes, this is solid advice.
That's kind of what I did and it worked out great! Read my update from earlier this morning; it's a few posts up^0 -
I'm not being negative, I'm being real. You're hearing what you want to hear, when in reality he's running for cover because he's feeling nagged.
Here's a little secret about guys - when we want to do something, we do it. If you doubt this, go search YouTube for "hold my beer and watch this". If we don't do it, it's because we're really not into it.
And he's really not into this...
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and if this all ends up on a counsellor's couch in a couple of years, remember this conversation!
:drinker:
IT WAS HIS IDEA.
Operative word: "'WAS".
-1 -
I'm not being negative, I'm being real. You're hearing what you want to hear, when in reality he's running for cover because he's feeling nagged.
Here's a little secret about guys - when we want to do something, we do it. If you doubt this, go search YouTube for "hold my beer and watch this". If we don't do it, it's because we're really not into it.
And he's really not into this...
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, and if this all ends up on a counsellor's couch in a couple of years, remember this conversation!
:drinker:
IT WAS HIS IDEA.
Operative word: "'WAS".
But really though. Go away. You're not helping anyone. Go be miserable by yourself; stop trying to drag others down with you.0 -
demoiselle2014 wrote: »afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »EmmaFitzwilliam wrote: »You need to have an honest conversation with him, and ask him how much communication he wants on the topic - then respect that.
I think this is the best advice in the thread.
Yes, this is solid advice.
That's kind of what I did and it worked out great! Read my update from earlier this morning; it's a few posts up^
I just read it. It seems like you had a very productive talk.
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I wanted to give you guys an update, especially for those who said they were in the same boat with their partner...
I sat down with my husband last night and had a very postive, productive conversation about why he's lost motivation. I told him up front that there would be absolutely no judgement and no matter what he said or decided to, I would support him fully.
Then I started with an easy question- "would you like me to alter or stop making your lunches?" He said that he knew what he was eating was healthy and he WANTS to eat healthy, but it leaves him feeling hungry and he hates feeling hungry. At this point, I was like, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! LOL. So we made him a new lunch plan- more foods that have fewer calories and more healthy snacks. Also he said he'd like more variety, which I definitely was not giving him because I, personally, don't care about variety. I could eat the same thing everyday and never get tired of it- it's just fuel to me at this point.
Next, I asked him if he'd like for me to stop asking him to go to the gym with me. He said the reason he'd not been to the gym in a while is that he feels awkward at the gym working out by himself. Now, this really shocked me. My husband is ANYTHING BUT shy. He's the most outgoing, 'type A' person I know. So I figured he'd get to the Y on day one, make a bazillion friends/workout bros and kill it. That, however, was not the case. He said he felt like he was too out of shape to workout with the guys that were there on a regular basis and that, unbeknownst to me, he had messaged a few of his friends and was actively trying to find a workout partner... AGAIN, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! Lol.
So, in conclusion, the conversation was a great idea. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but I wanted to share because it worked for us! We were able to openly communicate about the issue and now I know exactly where he's at. He hasn't given up, he's just hit a few bumps along the way. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and good luck to those who are dealing with the same issue!
I've found that talking about things that are sensitive (like body weight and how we feel socially) can be really difficult, even with someone that makes you feel safe in a general way. Good for you for creating a conversation where he could admit these things. Obviously you guys have a good connection. I know that in my relationship, if my man thinks I'm mad about something he won't talk about it, but if I bring it up and make it very clear what my intentions are (conversation without blame or pressure, to come to an understanding/agreement without damaging our relationship or each other's pride, etc.) he's much more likely to be honest and we can have a real conversation. This is just normal human behavior.
All you can do from here is support him. Do you feel like you could work out beside him/with him and feel awkward together (or are you on a different training program)? I also like the idea of offering something like P90X (you could both do it at home) until he feels more confident in his skills and shape.
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Katiebear_81 wrote: »I wanted to give you guys an update, especially for those who said they were in the same boat with their partner...
I sat down with my husband last night and had a very postive, productive conversation about why he's lost motivation. I told him up front that there would be absolutely no judgement and no matter what he said or decided to, I would support him fully.
Then I started with an easy question- "would you like me to alter or stop making your lunches?" He said that he knew what he was eating was healthy and he WANTS to eat healthy, but it leaves him feeling hungry and he hates feeling hungry. At this point, I was like, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! LOL. So we made him a new lunch plan- more foods that have fewer calories and more healthy snacks. Also he said he'd like more variety, which I definitely was not giving him because I, personally, don't care about variety. I could eat the same thing everyday and never get tired of it- it's just fuel to me at this point.
Next, I asked him if he'd like for me to stop asking him to go to the gym with me. He said the reason he'd not been to the gym in a while is that he feels awkward at the gym working out by himself. Now, this really shocked me. My husband is ANYTHING BUT shy. He's the most outgoing, 'type A' person I know. So I figured he'd get to the Y on day one, make a bazillion friends/workout bros and kill it. That, however, was not the case. He said he felt like he was too out of shape to workout with the guys that were there on a regular basis and that, unbeknownst to me, he had messaged a few of his friends and was actively trying to find a workout partner... AGAIN, DUDE- why didn't you just tell me that?! Lol.
So, in conclusion, the conversation was a great idea. I'm not saying it would work for everyone, but I wanted to share because it worked for us! We were able to openly communicate about the issue and now I know exactly where he's at. He hasn't given up, he's just hit a few bumps along the way. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and good luck to those who are dealing with the same issue!
I've found that talking about things that are sensitive (like body weight and how we feel socially) can be really difficult, even with someone that makes you feel safe in a general way. Good for you for creating a conversation where he could admit these things. Obviously you guys have a good connection. I know that in my relationship, if my man thinks I'm mad about something he won't talk about it, but if I bring it up and make it very clear what my intentions are (conversation without blame or pressure, to come to an understanding/agreement without damaging our relationship or each other's pride, etc.) he's much more likely to be honest and we can have a real conversation. This is just normal human behavior.
All you can do from here is support him. Do you feel like you could work out beside him/with him and feel awkward together (or are you on a different training program)? I also like the idea of offering something like P90X (you could both do it at home) until he feels more confident in his skills and shape.
We're on completely different programs.
He likes to do weight training and I would love to do it with him, but I just can't hang lol. I've got a partial tear in the rotator cuff in my right shoulder, so I have a really hard time with lifting weights. I do mainly cardio- Zumba, which, of course, he has no interest in and walking/jogging on the treadmill or around our neighborhood. He does walk with me sometimes, but he gets bored with that.
The home workout vid thing is a great suggestion. We actually do 30 Day Shred at home together sometimes. I do it 3 days a week (my shoulder can't take anymore than that) and he'll do it with me maybe once a week.
I'm just glad, like you said, he felt comfortable admitting his struggles. Now that we're both on the same page again, hopefully we'll be able to encourage each other and keep going. 0 -
After years I finally talked my wife into weight training and she loves it! She does TRX and I stick to a more military regimen (calisthenics, swimming, running), but ran my first TRX class last night - good stuff. Unfortunately we can't work out together due to kids and schedules now, but we try to do more physical activities over the weekend - especially with the kids.0
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Show long term advantages of losing weight and disadvantages of not losing weight. Men are at risk of CAD, Diabetes, HTN, dyslipidemia, dementia, sleep disorders, Arthritis, Cancers and many other issues including cosmetic issues. Moreover, you feel so good.0
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Absolutely nothing you can do, so don't. Just do your own thing or you'll drive yourself mad.0
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Great update! Sounds like he ran into a roadblock and didn't troubleshoot, and you helped make it happen! Too many people lose motivation when things get hard or monotonous. Sometimes there's a very simple fix, sometimes it takes more. I think he's got an excellent advantage with you in his corner!0
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Did you consider any device that would be able to motivated you?0
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