Husband isn't motivated
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Maybe my own experience can help you out, idk, but I'll share anyway.
My husband has been complaining about his weight for a while. We both packed on pounds over the last few years. We would complain together, we would start some half-@ss attempt to lose weight, and then find some excuse to stop.
Well, I finally reached my point of no return and became determined. I joined mfp and I reached my goal, I'm still working towards new goals, but it's been months of great progress. My husband would complain here and there about himself and I would simply state he is the only person that could do something about it, maybe a suggestion, but for the most part I just mention what worked for me nonchalantly. He is very proud of me and the progress I've made.
Finally (after months), he asked me to help him out, he wanted to go to the gym. He has been going consistently. We had a slight hiccup in the beginning, he asked for help with a lifting plan and when we got to the gym he decided he didn't want to do that, but he researched on his own and found something he wanted to do. Which is great! He still won't join mfp and count calories - smh- but, he's making a lot of progress and maybe he'll take that next step when he's ready.
Since you mentioned that you and your husband made an agreement to do this together perhaps you can have a conversation like others have mentioned, just to get it off your chest so you don't have any resentment that he's not living up to his end of the deal and maybe to let him know you don't want it to seem like you're not doing your part (in the agreement) to motivate him. However, in my opinion, one conversation about it is enough and after that you focus on yourself. He can get with the program when he finds his own determination.0 -
Came here for the comments, I'm in the same boat. My husband is generally unmotivated and it is becoming a problem. I am trying not to think about it and just worry about my own motivations, but the respect is slowly melting away. I try to remind myself that it took me 15 years of struggle to finally get to where I am now, mentally. I don't know if it's some sort of a rock bottom you need to hit, or some empowering a-ha moment. For me it was finally growing up and realizing that my actions have direct consequences, my weight is a result of my choices, and no amount of negotiations with myself will change the amount of calories I'm eating. I don't want to drift apart, because sometimes it feels like I'm giving up on my husband, when I quit trying to motivate him. I am just hoping he'll get there before it's too late.0
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I would kill him for wasting money on expensive bad food in secret. Ahem.
He needs to be honest with himself and with you. If he wishes to remain fat right now, he should admit it and not lie.0 -
About all you can do is this: If he is "forgetting" lunch most of the time, ask him whether you should go on making it for him. It takes time and costs money. You could also say that you've noticed the junk food, and ask him what he finds satisfying about it and whether there's some way you could work that into the lunches you make, while still keeping them healthier. In his book The Diet Fix, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff wisely remarks that you're not going to stick with a new diet that makes you feel deprived. Maybe a small bag of potato chips would make the difference. But it might be something else—if he likes to eat with co-workers who go to a restaurant for lunch, there might not be any way to brown bag it.
As for the gym, about all you can do is keep offering. Keep it neutral—"Honey, I'm going to the Y. Wanna come?" No nagging or passive aggression.
I understand your frustration. I think at a certain point, as his wife you are entitled to sit down with him and talk about the promise that you made to get healthy together and how it makes you feel to see that he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously—e.g. you're worried about his health, you want to spend a long happy life together and you're afraid that won't happen, etc. If he responds to that opening, you could ask if he knows why he's not following through; he may not really understand it himself. Maybe he's resisting making a bunch of changes all at once. But that's a conversation that you might want to wait on, unless he has already had a health scare, and you should not do it immediately after he "forgets" lunch or says no to the gym again; it has to come up when you're not frustrated with him.
Thank you for this. It helps to know that someone understands my worries. I truly am concerned about his health. We're nearly 30 and I just want to live long, healthy lives (hopefully with a child!).0 -
I just try to be open about my own journey. I talk about portions, how much I burned in an exercise, how I feel about healthy foods, instead of just saying I don't want another serving I say "No thanks, I feel full" because listening to the body is important, or instead of saying no to dessert I say "I'm all out of calories for the day" because keeping track is important. Values are caught not taught.
Anytime there's something positive in my life I try to share it with others by example. I just feel like that's how we all become better people. Basic life principle.0 -
About all you can do is this: If he is "forgetting" lunch most of the time, ask him whether you should go on making it for him. It takes time and costs money. You could also say that you've noticed the junk food, and ask him what he finds satisfying about it and whether there's some way you could work that into the lunches you make, while still keeping them healthier. In his book The Diet Fix, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff wisely remarks that you're not going to stick with a new diet that makes you feel deprived. Maybe a small bag of potato chips would make the difference. But it might be something else—if he likes to eat with co-workers who go to a restaurant for lunch, there might not be any way to brown bag it.
As for the gym, about all you can do is keep offering. Keep it neutral—"Honey, I'm going to the Y. Wanna come?" No nagging or passive aggression.
I understand your frustration. I think at a certain point, as his wife you are entitled to sit down with him and talk about the promise that you made to get healthy together and how it makes you feel to see that he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously—e.g. you're worried about his health, you want to spend a long happy life together and you're afraid that won't happen, etc. If he responds to that opening, you could ask if he knows why he's not following through; he may not really understand it himself. Maybe he's resisting making a bunch of changes all at once. But that's a conversation that you might want to wait on, unless he has already had a health scare, and you should not do it immediately after he "forgets" lunch or says no to the gym again; it has to come up when you're not frustrated with him.
Thank you for this. It helps to know that someone understands my worries. I truly am concerned about his health. We're nearly 30 and I just want to live long, healthy lives (hopefully with a child!).
Invite him to come along when you go.
Stop making lunches if he won't eat them.
If he whines about being fat, say, "You know what needs to be done about that" if he's not doing much and "You'll lose it in time" if he is.0 -
sophomorelove wrote: »Came here for the comments, I'm in the same boat. My husband is generally unmotivated and it is becoming a problem. I am trying not to think about it and just worry about my own motivations, but the respect is slowly melting away. I try to remind myself that it took me 15 years of struggle to finally get to where I am now, mentally. I don't know if it's some sort of a rock bottom you need to hit, or some empowering a-ha moment. For me it was finally growing up and realizing that my actions have direct consequences, my weight is a result of my choices, and no amount of negotiations with myself will change the amount of calories I'm eating. I don't want to drift apart, because sometimes it feels like I'm giving up on my husband, when I quit trying to motivate him. I am just hoping he'll get there before it's too late.
Yaaasssss. I love him more than life itself, but laziness is NOT an attractive quality.0 -
MamaBirdBoss wrote: »About all you can do is this: If he is "forgetting" lunch most of the time, ask him whether you should go on making it for him. It takes time and costs money. You could also say that you've noticed the junk food, and ask him what he finds satisfying about it and whether there's some way you could work that into the lunches you make, while still keeping them healthier. In his book The Diet Fix, Dr. Yoni Freedhoff wisely remarks that you're not going to stick with a new diet that makes you feel deprived. Maybe a small bag of potato chips would make the difference. But it might be something else—if he likes to eat with co-workers who go to a restaurant for lunch, there might not be any way to brown bag it.
As for the gym, about all you can do is keep offering. Keep it neutral—"Honey, I'm going to the Y. Wanna come?" No nagging or passive aggression.
I understand your frustration. I think at a certain point, as his wife you are entitled to sit down with him and talk about the promise that you made to get healthy together and how it makes you feel to see that he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously—e.g. you're worried about his health, you want to spend a long happy life together and you're afraid that won't happen, etc. If he responds to that opening, you could ask if he knows why he's not following through; he may not really understand it himself. Maybe he's resisting making a bunch of changes all at once. But that's a conversation that you might want to wait on, unless he has already had a health scare, and you should not do it immediately after he "forgets" lunch or says no to the gym again; it has to come up when you're not frustrated with him.
Thank you for this. It helps to know that someone understands my worries. I truly am concerned about his health. We're nearly 30 and I just want to live long, healthy lives (hopefully with a child!).
Invite him to come along when you go.
Stop making lunches if he won't eat them.
If he whines about being fat, say, "You know what needs to be done about that" if he's not doing much and "You'll lose it in time" if he is.
I disagree with the last bit. He already knows that, and saying it is rubbing it in his face, and just not kind. I wouldn't talk to my husband or kids that way.
It's best not to respond at all or with just a sympathetic look.
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You do you and hope he follows your example.0
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@strong_curves can you PM me please? Nothing ominous but I can't seem to PM you
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As others have said. Don't nag ...just let him find his own motivation. Sometimes that will be you looking HOT!!!0
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My girlfriend is like this. Despite my efforts to change how we eat she still goes out and gets family size bags of potato chips and finishes the bag in 2 days. Also she has a huge sweet tooth and I just can't have sweets in the house while I am trying to change my eating habits. This makes every pound I have lost so much harder.0
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Thank you for this. It helps to know that someone understands my worries. I truly am concerned about his health. We're nearly 30 and I just want to live long, healthy lives (hopefully with a child!).
About 7 years ago I was like your husband in some ways. I was about 50 pounds overweight and it was beginning to affect my health. I cooked from scratch, mostly, and I got some exercise—walking and the occasional bike ride—but that didn't change the fact that I was obese. When I reached my heaviest, the summer after my father died, and the suit that had been the right size a couple years before was uncomfortably tight, I decided I had to do something.
I'm grateful to my wife for not pointing out that I was getting fat—which I knew very well—and that I wasn't doing anything about it—which I also knew very well. I had to make the decision.
At first, I got fit without losing much weight. I had lost weight by taking up exercise in grad school, and thought that would be enough, but what worked in my 20s wasn't working in my 40s. However, finding an activity that I loved—bicycling—made a huge difference in my motivation, and led me to the point where I was ready to seriously commit to weight loss, too.
Having been there myself, I think I understand where your husband is coming from. If he can find some way to be active that he really enjoys, and doesn't think of as a chore, it would be a huge help. Good luck!0 -
@Thea519 Well there's your motivation. I'm 6'4" and started at 277, down about 50 lbs since starting. My motivation is to be a good example for our kids (7, 5, and 1). It's a lot more fun playing with your kids and not getting tired, than just sitting on the sidelines and watching.0
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If I were depending on my husband's motivation, I would have failed a long time ago.
I started first. He got inspired by me and started tracking his food with me. Then he stopped. Now he kind of tracks again.
I can't only do this if he's doing it too. I'm doing this because I want to and if he wants to join me, then great. If not, then his loss. We eat the same foods no matter what, I just measure out my portions. For him it depends on the day whether or not he puts his plate on the scale or on the counter. Or a weird mix. For instance, last night he weighed out the pork he was eating, but didn't weigh the potato or the veggies. I don't understand his methods. But it doesn't change the fact that I weigh out all of my food.0 -
I so wish I knew the answer to this. Before our beach trip in May, my husband began working out and was feeling amazing. He was in such a better mood all the time. After the trip, he quit going to the gym (we still pay $40/month for the membership in case he decides to go) and he's always complaining about how tired he is. He does work construction, so the heat definitely gets to him-- but I know most of it is his diet. He eats SO much and SO unhealthy! Soda, chips, packaged snack cakes, fast food, energy drinks, and he's recently picked up smoking as a daily habit.. No wonder he feels so sluggish! I want him to get healthy (it is also easier for me to be motivated when he is) because I worry about him! But I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think that I'm not attracted to him. Such a touchy subject!0
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SingRunTing wrote: »If I were depending on my husband's motivation, I would have failed a long time ago.
I understand this completely. My other half would get this sort of sad pensive look when I brought up a desire to be healthier, (and since we're completely open with each other) as well as concern over how much extra floof was there compared to before. It's been a series of stops and starts with her, and I was sort of flailing and lacking concrete goals before finding MFP. Since I enjoy numbers, it's been a great tool! I do wonder how long her motivation is going to last this time though.
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SingRunTing wrote: »If I were depending on my husband's motivation, I would have failed a long time ago.
I understand this completely. My other half would get this sort of sad pensive look when I brought up a desire to be healthier, (and since we're completely open with each other) as well as concern over how much extra floof was there compared to before. It's been a series of stops and starts with her, and I was sort of flailing and lacking concrete goals before finding MFP. Since I enjoy numbers, it's been a great tool! I do wonder how long her motivation is going to last this time though.
My issue is kind of the opposite. He's always been thinner, fitter, and healthier than me. He's just not terribly consistent with eating or exercising, but he's in good shape, so I can't tell him to do otherwise.
But if I was trying to follow his lead, I would fail. I need to measure my food and stick to my workout schedule. I need to do this to solidify the habits that I'm building to change my lifestyle. He already had the lifestyle, so it's less work for him (for now, we're still young so that might change in the future).
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I'm in the same boat, my DH is pre-diabetic and I've encouraged him to join a gym and he did for a while then he stop but he never changed his eating habit.
my only resource now is to cook healthy food and just enough for 1 meal so there's no left over or opportunity to go for second. If it's a big portion, I make sure to put them away before we sit down to eat so that way they are cooled down and marked as lunches.0
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