Husband isn't motivated
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This is how my (ex-) husband was when we were married. Diet coke for breakfast and all day long while he worked all day long out in his truck or outside, then Honey Buns, Ho-hos, other junk snacks after work, and grazed on junk all night long in front of TV. He wasn't lazy -- worked hard, worked in the yard, clean, awesome dad, etc. -- but our lifestyles just didn't mesh. I was constantly trying to get fit & healthy. I would go to the gym and want us to do things together like tennis or a hike or even a walk and there was always an excuse.liz_walkerrr wrote: »I so wish I knew the answer to this. Before our beach trip in May, my husband began working out and was feeling amazing. He was in such a better mood all the time. After the trip, he quit going to the gym (we still pay $40/month for the membership in case he decides to go) and he's always complaining about how tired he is. He does work construction, so the heat definitely gets to him-- but I know most of it is his diet. He eats SO much and SO unhealthy! Soda, chips, packaged snack cakes, fast food, energy drinks, and he's recently picked up smoking as a daily habit.. No wonder he feels so sluggish! I want him to get healthy (it is also easier for me to be motivated when he is) because I worry about him! But I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think that I'm not attracted to him. Such a touchy subject!
When I left him, he started riding his bike and eating Greek yogurt every day and working out. It hurt, actually, that he didn't care enough to get healthy for me/us but was willing to do it once I was leaving. But, hey, what can you do? People will do what they want to do.
I'm not suggesting you leave him, lol, but people have to do things in their own time. I'm sad that my ex-husband's time was after I was gone but glad he'll be healthy for our kids.
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My mother and father both got more motivated to exercise when they scheduled a European vacation that would involve a lot of walking to enjoy to its fullest. They both exercised in preparation for that, and it really helped them to have something they really wanted to enjoy at the end of the line.
Unfortunately, after the vacation my dad stopped exercising. It may be necessary to plan a series of goals that require a certain level of fitness, if "being fit" or "losing weight" isn't enough.
My husband doesn't like to exercise in any standard way. We took up partner dancing, and do it as many nights per week as we can manage. Wanting to get better at dancing and balance has led my husband to take up daily yoga at home, so if your husband finds a good, enjoyable activity, it may serve as an anchor for more kinds of activity.
But in the end, it's up to him.0 -
Ive been trying to get my other half to jump on the health kick with me but has been difficult. I started last year and dropped about 2-3 stone which I would have thought would have motivated her.
Been trying to talk to her about it but its never easy, sometimes you just need to be straight and leave it if you get no where. Im hopeful shes going to start though as she has been making comments on her own weight0 -
Thanks for posting this! I'm in a similar position. There are a lot of good tips out there.... especially the no nagging and lead by example. I know the feeling of feeling like you should do more (my husband has diabetes and kidney problems and I feel like I should be doing more to motivate him), but like the saying goes... "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"
I've been on my journey for 1 year, I invite my husband to walks and offer him tastes of my healthy food, but he always declines. I recently started lifting weights at home and require his support (he has to spot me) and I noticed that when I am in between sets he plays with the weights. I can see his desire, but it's not fully developed yet. I have faith that he will come along when he's ready and my daily habits are little reminders for him to take or leave.
Good luck and congrats at staying in the game without him, I know it's hard when you're supposed to be a team.
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demoiselle2014 wrote: »My mother and father both got more motivated to exercise when they scheduled a European vacation that would involve a lot of walking to enjoy to its fullest. They both exercised in preparation for that, and it really helped them to have something they really wanted to enjoy at the end of the line.
Unfortunately, after the vacation my dad stopped exercising. It may be necessary to plan a series of goals that require a certain level of fitness, if "being fit" or "losing weight" isn't enough.
My husband doesn't like to exercise in any standard way. We took up partner dancing, and do it as many nights per week as we can manage. Wanting to get better at dancing and balance has led my husband to take up daily yoga at home, so if your husband finds a good, enjoyable activity, it may serve as an anchor for more kinds of activity.
But in the end, it's up to him.
We booked a cruise in December and I was hoping that would motivate him... and it did for a while. Maybe I'll forward him one of those "countdown to the cruise" emails the cruise line sends me
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I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
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That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
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nope0
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That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
It's either that, or leave - there are no other viable options.
You cannot run other people's lives for them...nor is it reasonable to make big after-the-fact changes in your life (although frankly and bluntly we have no idea if OP will actually stick with this and be successful) and expect everyone else to tag along.0 -
Both hubby and I have been overweight since we met each other. Getting married and getting into our 30's (34 for him, almost 30 for me) has made us both more interested in our health. It's been a lot of subtle changes. No calorie restriction or anything like that at first. We just started with more produce and whole grains many months ago. I decided I was ready to take some pounds off a few months ago, and he said he would support me and eat whatever groceries I felt I needed to keep around. He's not counting calories, but I'm cooking differently. I'm not forcing anything on him. We still have our occasional fast food nights. I'm packing him lunches he likes but with a few tweaks. I noticed that he has suddenly stopped drinking soda at home this past week or two.
Basically, he's free to do whatever he wishes. We just have a food environment that is healthier at home. I don't care if he loses weight or not or if he eats a Big Mac at work or not. I just want to make sure my cooking, in general, is nutritious and less processed. No promises or commitments were made to each other. We just both stated we wanted to eat better, and I stated I personally wanted to take some weight off.0 -
afatpersonwholikesfood wrote: »Both hubby and I have been overweight since we met each other. Getting married and getting into our 30's (34 for him, almost 30 for me) has made us both more interested in our health. It's been a lot of subtle changes. No calorie restriction or anything like that at first. We just started with more produce and whole grains many months ago. I decided I was ready to take some pounds off a few months ago, and he said he would support me and eat whatever groceries I felt I needed to keep around. He's not counting calories, but I'm cooking differently. I'm not forcing anything on him. We still have our occasional fast food nights. I'm packing him lunches he likes but with a few tweaks. I noticed that he has suddenly stopped drinking soda at home this past week or two.
Basically, he's free to do whatever he wishes. We just have a food environment that is healthier at home. I don't care if he loses weight or not or if he eats a Big Mac at work or not. I just want to make sure my cooking, in general, is nutritious and less processed. No promises or commitments were made to each other. We just both stated we wanted to eat better, and I stated I personally wanted to take some weight off.
:drinker:
Awesome sauce!0 -
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
It's either that, or leave - there are no other viable options.
You cannot run other people's lives for them...nor is it reasonable to make big after-the-fact changes in your life (although frankly and bluntly we have no idea if OP will actually stick with this and be successful) and expect everyone else to tag along.
Why are you even making it out to be like that? I love my husband, no matter what he chooses to do. I am, first and foremost, concerned for his health. Secondly, I am disappointed that we made a commitment together and he has fallen off the wagon. NEITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS = I don't "accept him for what he is." I've also never dropped one single "passive-aggressive hint."
>>>>>>Why is it that no matter how productive and/or positive a post is, there's always one negative person who has to poo poo on everything?<<<<<<0 -
nvsmomketo wrote: »Just keep going. I find my husband gets motivated when he sees the effort is paying off for me. Just make it easy for him to rejoin you. JMO
Good luck!
THIS!0 -
Working out in a gym obviously isn't for him. Does he like sports? Could you guys join a team instead? I think trying to do both exercise and diet might also be too much of a change for some to handle at the same time.
Maybe it just isn't fun or rewarding for him. Also, pushing the subject probably isn't helping(coming from a fat person who was always pushed to lose weight. It didnt make me want to do it).0 -
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
It's either that, or leave - there are no other viable options.
You cannot run other people's lives for them...nor is it reasonable to make big after-the-fact changes in your life (although frankly and bluntly we have no idea if OP will actually stick with this and be successful) and expect everyone else to tag along.
Why are you even making it out to be like that? I love my husband, no matter what he chooses to do. I am, first and foremost, concerned for his health. Secondly, I am disappointed that we made a commitment together and he has fallen off the wagon. NEITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS = I don't "accept him for what he is."
You are trying to force him to change - that is the walking talking definition of not accepting him as he is.
Let him come to any changes on his own terms, on his own timeline.I've also never dropped one single "passive-aggressive hint."
Forwarding emails about the upcoming trip to drop "hints" is the walking talking definition of passive-aggressive behaviour.
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That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
It's either that, or leave - there are no other viable options.
You cannot run other people's lives for them...nor is it reasonable to make big after-the-fact changes in your life (although frankly and bluntly we have no idea if OP will actually stick with this and be successful) and expect everyone else to tag along.
Why are you even making it out to be like that? I love my husband, no matter what he chooses to do. I am, first and foremost, concerned for his health. Secondly, I am disappointed that we made a commitment together and he has fallen off the wagon. NEITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS = I don't "accept him for what he is."
You are trying to force him to change - that is the walking talking definition of not accepting him as he is.
Let him come to any changes on his own terms, on his own timeline.I've also never dropped one single "passive-aggressive hint."
Forwarding emails about the upcoming trip to drop "hints" is the walking talking definition of passive-aggressive behaviour.
I'm not trying to FORCE him to do anything. Go back and read my original post and I think you'll find it was very clear that I wanted to encourage him to stick with it. I even said "I KNOW YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE..."
Also, you're completely ignoring the fact that we made a commitment to each other. We literally planned a date night for our "last hoorah," sat in the restaurant and promised each other that we were going to change. We promised to eat better, exercise, and encourage each other along the way, so that before it's too late, we can have a child and enjoy a healthy life together. We were both in it 100%. It's not like I decided to change and drug him along with me. In fact, HE is the very one who told me six months ago that HE was ready to have a child. I told him I would NOT be nearly 300 pounds and pregnant, so HE said "let's go on a diet."
And forwarding him an email that says "152 days til our cruise!!" is most certainly NOT passive-aggressive. Now, saying "152 days til our cruise...better get moving!!" would be passive-agressive.
Just curious- are you married?0 -
Okee-dokee then...good luck!
:drinker:
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You kind of have to. You cannot tell a grown man what he can and cannot eat. You cannot force him to exercise.
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
Some people know the health risks and chose to eat poorly, be fat or smoke anyway. It's their choice and you have to respect that.
You cannot force someone to change because you've decided that it's a good idea.
It might even work against you. If you push, they may dig in their heels.
People change when they want to change. Not before.0 -
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
Yup. My SO's doctor has informed him his blood sugar is approaching pre-diabetic numbers and minor physical exertion leaves him badly winded... despite this, apparently today's lunch consisted of hot dogs, potato chips and chocolate bars. I said nothing. What he puts in his mouth is his choice.0 -
You kind of have to. You cannot tell a grown man what he can and cannot eat. You cannot force him to exercise.
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
Some people know the health risks and chose to eat poorly, be fat or smoke anyway. It's their choice and you have to respect that.
You cannot force someone to change because you've decided that it's a good idea.
It might even work against you. If you push, they may dig in their heels.
People change when they want to change. Not before.
If you read my earlier post I said the same things you are. You can't force a spouse to change. You CAN, however, sit him down and gently explain that you're worried about his health and remind him that he made a promise to improve it rather than simply "accept him for what he is". Whether or not that does any good is beside the point. That was the entire point of the quoted post. Nothing more.
We all know that it's usually a slow build up of circumstances that eventually triggers someone to want to make a lifestyle change. A conversation about concerns for a person's health is likely to help that process along if it's done in a loving, and not nagging, way.0 -
You kind of have to. You cannot tell a grown man what he can and cannot eat. You cannot force him to exercise.
That's fine if we're talking about "love handles" or a spare tire but if one's spouse is overweight enough to the point that it becomes a health issue do you really want to simply "accept him for what he is?"I think you'd be better off spending time on learning how to accept him for what he is than sending him passive-aggressive "hints".
IMO, etc.
Some people know the health risks and chose to eat poorly, be fat or smoke anyway. It's their choice and you have to respect that.
You cannot force someone to change because you've decided that it's a good idea.
It might even work against you. If you push, they may dig in their heels.
People change when they want to change. Not before.
If you read my earlier post I said the same things you are. You can't force a spouse to change. You CAN, however, sit him down and gently explain that you're worried about his health and remind him that he made a promise to improve it rather than simply "accept him for what he is". Whether or not that does any good is beside the point. That was the entire point of the quoted post. Nothing more.
We all know that it's usually a slow build up of circumstances that eventually triggers someone to want to make a lifestyle change. A conversation about concerns for a person's health is likely to help that process along if it's done in a loving, and not nagging, way.
Agreed. 0 -
You CAN, however, sit him down and gently explain that you're worried about his health...
Yep....and remind him that he made a promise to improve it...
Nope.
I mean, yes, you can, but it won't work, and can lead to a lot of relationship issues.
All you can really do is lay down your own boundaries of what is acceptable, and stick to them.
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One persons telling you for your own good is another persons nag. Nagging can be seriously counterproductive.0
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No. It's up to him to make the effort. He knows that you're supportive of him making positive changes, so you've done your part by asking if he wants to come with you to the Y and making his lunch for him. The rest is on him and he's not going to change his habits until HE decides he wants it bad enough.
Losing weight and getting healthy together is great, but only if you're both in it for the long haul. I think it's safe to say you're on your own for now.0 -
Just. Break. Up.0
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Just do a search for making foods healthier / lower calorie without the others noticing it. Or if you want to be on the up and up, ask if they wouldn't mind. Otherwise don't get mad if you get busted, though
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Unfortunately you cannot make anyone want to do anything, but you can encourage. I believe most important to making a life change is being dedicated to a plan. You can help him with a plan. There are a few ways you can make planning easier today. One is a smart phone. MFP right? Well, there are apps for workout plans too. Research on here and give him a few suggestions. Also buy a scale and start using it in front of him if not already. I see you have a dog. Maybe ask him to commit to a 30 min walk with the dog everyday. Sounds like he may have to start out slow and progress. You cannot change him. He has to do it for himself. At some point it will click for him if you keep to your plan. Try to incorporate eating in moderation and exercising in your daily life with him. Help him find something he really enjoys that relates to fitness. And do not give up.0
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nvsmomketo wrote: »Just keep going. I find my husband gets motivated when he sees the effort is paying off for me. Just make it easy for him to rejoin you. JMO
Good luck!
Above worked for me too. My hubby didn't want to eat healthy or lose weight. He's not accustomed to "rabbit food."
When he discovered my food was very tasty, he decided to give it another try and he's lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks.
THAT weight loss accomplishment has him motivated to continue.
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EmmaFitzwilliam wrote: »You need to have an honest conversation with him, and ask him how much communication he wants on the topic - then respect that.
I think this is the best advice in the thread.
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