Ultimatum weight loss.

labgirl26
labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
in Getting Started
I am trying to save my marriage. I have 85 lbs to lose, I pretty much need to lose it or lose my husband. I have been overweight for 15 years of our 25 year marriage and he of course looks great. He was in the military and always worked out and stayed fit, even when deployed several times. I stayed home, worried, raised the kids and ate. Now he is telling me that it's an obstacle to our relationship, that he loves me but.....I am heartbroken but determined. Who knows. Maybe when I am done, I'll look too good for him.
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Replies

  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    Well this just breaks my heart. Your physical body is not all there is to you, and wasn't all this time. If he loves you, he needs to be by your side and work with you, not give you ultimatums. It will take you a long time to lose 85 pounds, and you both need to work through this whole thing together.
  • Galonamission81
    Galonamission81 Posts: 62 Member
    Oh boy. Hugs to you.
  • Damien_Scott
    Damien_Scott Posts: 108 Member
    edited August 2015
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.
  • macgurlnet
    macgurlnet Posts: 1,946 Member
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both. It doesn't sound like the sort of space where weight loss is going to come easy. It's going to take a year or two and I doubt hes going to be prepared for that. I seriously doubt you losing weight is going to magically make things perfect. Although you should still lose, I don't think that your weight is the core problem there.

    +1 for this.

    I'm so sorry he's putting you in this position.

    *hugs*

    ~Lyssa
  • bunsen_honeydew
    bunsen_honeydew Posts: 230 Member
    Damien_Scott wrote: »
    I say lose both.

    Yup.
  • mistycornett5
    mistycornett5 Posts: 5 Member
    You should lose the weight for YOU, your health and your children.
  • ejb06070
    ejb06070 Posts: 276 Member
    So my mom also married an *kitten* (no offense) and he's always telling her how fat she is. It's not healthy for either of them. He'll turn on cooking shows just to comment on how fat the females who are making the food are (like Rachael Ray... "she'd be gorgeous if she only lost 50 pounds"). She's 61, he's 70, and they've been married for 36 years.

    I say if you want to lose the weight, do it for you. If you don't want to lose the husband, get couples counseling. If you still want to lose the weight for him, talk to him about it. Remind him that the weight didn't go on overnight and it's not going to come off that quickly either. Not to add insult to injury, but at your age, I've seen many people say that they struggle to lose 20 pounds a year, despite accurate measuring/weighing, healthy eating, exercise, etc. Have a serious conversation with him and tell him that if it takes you five years to lose the weight, is he willing to be patient with you?, and if not, it's time to assess the situation. The ultimatum may very well be out of love and concern for your health, but it sound like he needs more help than you do.
  • Ready2Rock206
    Ready2Rock206 Posts: 9,488 Member
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3
  • AllonsYtotheTardis
    AllonsYtotheTardis Posts: 16,947 Member
    someone gave me an ultimatum like that, I'll tell them to GTFO. He's already checked out of this relationship. Get out while you can.
  • labgirl26
    labgirl26 Posts: 13 Member
    Thank you all for your support. I will do it for me. The situation is worse than you all can imagine but i won't be a debbie downer with details. I am going to try counseling, not too optimistic. He's "always right". And you are right ejb6070, I am 56 and it is harder and harder, but I lost 22 lbs since Dec (not on fitness pal actively then) just by cutting out sugar and sugar substitutes and I have kept it off so I know I can do it. I want to get off diabetes and cholesterol meds and I want to wear better clothes. FP is great for support, I really appreciate all of you. <3
  • PaulaWallaDingDong
    PaulaWallaDingDong Posts: 4,641 Member
    Much love to you for what you're going through. Whatever happens, you have people. ;)
  • CarrieA180
    CarrieA180 Posts: 903 Member
    Losing weight is hard enough. I can't imagine the pressure you are going through. <3
  • queenliz99
    queenliz99 Posts: 15,317 Member
    Hugs :)
  • shootergirlnc
    shootergirlnc Posts: 50 Member
    Oh, hugs!
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,089 Member
    I'm so sorry. Sounds like an awful situation for you
  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,196 Member
    Ready2Rock206 wrote: »
    Lose the weight for you - you've already lost him. So sorry you have to go through this. <3

    This!

    He's just making an excuse/putting the blame on you/using this as an easy out.

    So sorry that you are faced with this.
  • z304
    z304 Posts: 84 Member
    You deserve a partner who supports you in positive ways and it doesn't sound like that's happening. It's awesome you're trying to be healthier through this though- do right by you & your body!

    & congrats on your weight loss so far!
  • HippySkoppy
    HippySkoppy Posts: 725 Member
    What an awful way to be spoken and treated by someone who supposedly loves you.

    This pressure is really falling into the category of emotional abuse and like others have said do this for yourself not for him nor anyone else - it's your life and your health that is of paramount importance.

    I do wonder what he would do if the boot were on the other foot - life can throw us many curve balls. Health is never a given and accidents happen - What would his expectations be then. You are a human being that is so much more than a number on the scale and a size in your jeans. Don't let him drag you down.

    I would really entreat you to get counselling, even if he won't go; do it for yourself....empower yourself and maybe there will be other options that emerge.....maybe you will choose to let him go, particularly since you have alluded to this comment being the tip of a terribly negative iceberg - A toxic marriage is no marriage at all it's a prison.

    I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself, make sure you eat well and keep up with sleep (if you can due to stress and worry), maybe get out and exercise.....long walks are great ways to de-stress and clear your mind.
  • socioseguro
    socioseguro Posts: 1,679 Member
    Big Hug for you.
    Focus on your children. Lose weight for them and for yourself. You are worthy and deserve to be healthy.
    Unfortunately, the older we become, the longer it takes to lose weight. Please manage your expectations. Slow and steady wins the race.
    God bless you

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